If the integrity of your relationship has been violated due to a harmful choice or behavior by either party, there are steps that you can take to restore trust and intimacy within the relationship. 

There is no one size fits all approach for handling a trust violation in a relationship, however, there are ways to begin the process of repairing the relationship. 

Here are 4 actionable steps that you can take to begin the process of healing:

Step 1:
Take 100% accountability. 

Accountability is twofold. Accountability includes (1) acknowledgement of your wrongdoings and (2) not offering excuses to suggest that you couldn’t help doing what you did. 

Developing empathy in a relationship is crucial. The most effective way to do so is to imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes. Ask yourself, how did my actions affect my partner’s life? Did my behavior cause damage to their sense of self-worth? 

Taking accountability for your mistakes and acknowledging the impact helps you to avoid invalidating your partner’s emotions. 

Step 2:
Offering an apology and asking your partner what can be done to rectify the situation and repair the damage. 

Create an amends plan or contract to demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. An amends plan is a guide for navigating a breach of trust or betrayal; it  generally includes an outline for what changes will be made on a personal and relational level. It will include actions and activities that indirectly restore your partner’s faith and trust in you.  

For example, “Allow access to social media passwords, computer, phone, etc.” “Increase quality time with my partner and enjoy a date night every Friday.” 

Your amends plan will need to be tailored to your relationship’s specific needs. Including your partner in the creation of the plan helps to show your devotion to your partner’s needs. 

Step 3:
Making a promise to not betray your partner in the future and to follow-through with the actions you have promised. 

Relationship check-ins at various intervals can help keep you on track and provide you with more of an understanding of what relationship needs are not being met and what promises have not been kept. 

Step 4:
Communicating with your partner if you feel you are unable to follow through with promises made. 

Increasing communication and vulnerability with your partner promotes emotional connection and intimacy. In order to repair and reconnect, you have to give your partner something to connect to. Secrecy, blame, anger, disengagement, and control do not provide connection points for repairing trust and faith in a relationship.

 In seeking to mend a fractured relationship, the willingness to work on the relationship and reconstruct the trust that was broken is crucial.