my loved one has trauma
While some people may choose to disclose what they’ve been through, there are many who don’t talk about the trauma they’ve experienced.
And this isn’t because they’re trying to keep secrets or trick anybody. A lot of times, just talking about it can bring up overwhelming symptoms like flashbacks or panic attacks, or maybe they fear being the “odd one out” if they bring up something intense that happened to them.
But even if someone doesn’t tell you the full story, when they’ve been through a lot of trauma and you’re a close friend, spouse, or family member, you will often see signs of it anyway. Sometimes they become extremely irritable about the smallest change in plans. They may withdraw suddenly for long periods of time or display unexpected explosions of emotion. Tasks that may seem simple to those around them don’t always come easily to them – even things like eating regular meals, taking a shower, or going to the store. They seem anxious and like they’re always “on,” or ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.
Supporting a loved one who has been through trauma is hard, especially if you’re unfamiliar with how trauma works and what it tends to do to people and relationships. This doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. What makes it difficult is all the misunderstandings, confusion, sudden outbursts or shutdowns, all the ways you try to connect with the person that somehow don’t turn out the way you’d intended.
This isn’t their fault – and it’s not yours either. But when neither of you knows that trauma is the culprit, it can be easy to point fingers at each other. The person who has been through trauma may accuse you of not understanding or not loving them if you don’t avoid triggering them at all costs. You may end up feeling controlled and like there are too many unspoken rules in the relationship to keep track of. Miss one, and suddenly everything is falling apart. And when it does, your loved one may jump to conclusions and worry that you’re going to leave them forever.
Trauma strains friendships and relationships because it convinces both of you that you’re not enough and you’re not doing enough for the other person. Sometimes what may seem like a “red flag” in the relationship is actually trauma lurking under the surface, making it difficult for both of you to relate the way you want to.
What will help the relationship? For one, trauma treatment. The care of a trauma-informed professional can help the person who has been through trauma recognize how it’s impacted them, and how to work through the shame trauma tends to heap onto survivors. Treatment can be a slow process, sometimes very slow, taking several years depending on the length and severity of the trauma. What does help it go faster, though, is when the person has a good support system in place – and you’re a part of that!

Supporting someone who has been through trauma takes patience, perseverance to work through misunderstandings and shame spirals, and reassurance that even when it gets rough, you’re in it together for the long haul. It takes both of you learning how to work together, focusing on trauma as the main problem in the room, not each other.
The thing about trauma, though, is that it demands a deep dive. When you’re one of the main supports for someone with trauma, it challenges both of you to really get to know yourselves, your emotions, your limits, and your values. For the person recovering from trauma, it takes a lot of detangling old, painful messages and confronting uncomfortable feelings. For you, living in the reality of what happened to them may evoke very strong emotions like anger and grief. Supporting them can also mean learning how to set healthy boundaries, and how to show up for them at times when both of you feel scared and confused.
It’s okay if you don’t always have the answers or know what to do. Sometimes if you ask the other person, they may be able to help you learn. Other times, they may feel just as confused or too exhausted to explain. This is why the best thing both of you can do is get support.
When you both have a healthy support network in place, it eases some of the pressure trauma can put on both of you. The person who has been through trauma needs support to recover, but it is also just as important that you get the support you need. Trauma has a way of pushing past your limits, and if you aren’t careful, both you and your loved one can go through some serious burnout.
If you’ve got someone close to you who has been through trauma and you’re noticing that it’s impacting your relationship with them, consider speaking with a trained professional. A trauma-informed counselor can provide education, skills and tips for managing the impact, and they can also provide you with a safe space to check in with yourself and process what you’re going through as you face this with your loved one.
You’re not alone. There are ways to work through the impact of past trauma – it doesn’t have to signal the end of the relationship. In fact, you may find that as you work through it together, your connection will deepen, and you’ll both come out the other side having learned a whole lot more about yourselves and each other.