Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

you can’t do it all and do it well

I remember reading this years ago and even when I knew it was true, I found myself arguing with it.

“I can get better at multitasking.”
“I can get more efficient.”
“I can hack this.”
 
Even that word “hack” gives us a clue to how we think about our lives and our priorities. It Assumes we can find the secret code that unlocks our potential. We’re attempting to be limitless and outside of time and space. This is not possible! This belief is that we can be all and do all. It just leads us to feel weaker and like we have failed when we do reach the end of our energy, skill, time, patience, etc.
 
A few thoughts to help you as you wrestle against this:
 
1. How do you make space for yourself to recharge? When you plan for rest, you are acknowledging your limits and believing in your value and worth no matter your productivity.
2. pay attention to the messages you’re receiving. Some of the mantras and encouragements we read can, in the end, be shaming if we don’t acknowledge our needs.
3. Don’t assume you can do it all or even most of it by yourself. We weren’t made to accomplish all of our goals alone. We are wired for connection.
 
So, assuming you ARE NOT limitless… how do you know what to focus your energy on? It all comes down to your values. We have to identify our values in order to prioritize. 
 
Pick your top 3 to 5 values/priorities from the values list linked above and see how you can spend time daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly toward these priorities.
 
Examples:
 
Family time
daily around the dinner table
Weekly movie night
Monthly one on one time with each child
Yearly weekend or week away
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

i’m stuck in my thoughts

When you get stuck thinking about the same thing over and over again, that’s called ruminating.

 Sometimes people get caught in a negative thought loop, or they stay awake at night remembering one embarrassing moment after another. People also ruminate about conversations, problems, or worries about the future.
 
When it lasts for a few minutes, it can be pretty annoying, but when ruminative thoughts last for days or weeks, you can really start to feel out of control. When you’re ruminating, it’s hard to stay present in your own life. You’re distracted and it’s easy to forget things. Ruminative thoughts can rob you of sleep, time, and peace.
 
So just stop the ruminative thoughts and think of something else, right? It would be nice if it were that simple! These kinds of thoughts are like magnets with an attractive pull that keeps them going on and on, even if they’re distressing. But thankfully, getting unstuck is possible.
 
Here are two methods you can use to get out of exhausting thought loops:
 
1.       Get Into Your Emotions:
 
What makes ruminative thoughts so magnetic is that they usually cover up something even more uncomfortable: unpleasant emotions. When we’re feeling emotions that are intense, overwhelming, or that we’re ashamed of, ruminative thoughts often function as the perfect distraction.
 
When you catch yourself stuck in your thoughts, try asking yourself: “What am I feeling?” or “What am I trying not to feel, and why?”   Oftentimes, the moment we stop to give those feelings some space, the ruminative thoughts clear up. Given a little time, the emotions pass as well, and we start feeling better again.
 
If the emotions are too overwhelming or feel too threatening, consider working with a counselor who can help coach you through them in a way that feels safer for you.
 
2.       Get Into Your Body:
 
Ruminative thoughts tend to take us out of our bodies, keeping us stuck in our minds instead. So we can combat unwanted thoughts by shifting focus to our bodies. This can be done through a variety of ways:
 
·         Deep breathing
·         Exercise
·         Sports
·         Yoga
·         Gardening
·         Tasting a strong flavor
·         Smelling a pleasant scent
·         Using fidget toys
 
When you focus on your five senses, it grounds you to your body and the thoughts begin to lose their power. Getting into your body can also help you recharge after processing difficult emotions. This method and the previous one work best when used together.
 
If your ruminative thoughts stem from anxiety and end up keeping you awake at night, here’s a link to some free guided progressive muscle relaxation, an excellent tool for getting back into your body and back to sleep:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HUcX8ZtAk&t=12s
 
Centering yourself in your emotions and body can help keep your thoughts from running the whole show.
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

i can’t prioritize

I often find myself having trouble focusing on what’s most important. Especially in the morning. My mind is racing with all of the things I want to accomplish in a day.

 It’s really hard to prioritize what’s needs to be done right away. Sometimes I can pause long enough to think about the simplest, basic needs first. I remember this hierarchy of needs that I learned about in my graduate program. The concept is that in order to get to higher levels of functioning, you have to address all of your basic needs first.
 
On Maslow’s hierarchy, the bottom level is shelter and security, food and water. The basic physiological needs. The next layer up is safety and emotional connection. Alllll the way at the top is self-actualizing – which is to live fully in what you are capable of. I would love to constantly live at that highest level and often I try to! But in order to do that, I have to make sure my home is safe and pulled together, I eat breakfast, I feel safe and secure, and I’ve connected with family and friends.

All of these habits are essential for your brain to be able to engage in creativity, new challenges, personal growth, stay healthy and to build your self-awareness. The end goal is to live into your full potential, but it all starts with your basic needs. You might notice that when you’re hungry or tired you have more trouble accomplishing challenging tasks. Or when your home is a wreck or under construction or you’ve recently moved, you may not be ready to take on a new project at work.

You may not have the energy for those bigger dreams you have for yourself. When your basic needs go unmet, your mind and body is preoccupied with those gaps in your needs. You can put off your basic needs for a while, but eventually it will all catch up with you and result in burn out, resentment, health issues, or anxiety.

So, take care of yourself, check in with your body. Attune yourself to the rhythms of your needs. The next time you find your mind racing or you’re getting overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done, start with the basic needs first. This will set you up for success for those bigger things you want to accomplish.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

dissociation

Chances are high that you’ve dissociated before. Most people have.

 Dissociation happens when we disconnect from ourselves and the world around us. Sometimes it can be a helpful way to unwind. Other times it can get in the way of what we want to do.
 
You may have heard that dissociation is a trauma response, and to some extent that’s true. But it isn’t always a trauma response – otherwise that would mean almost everybody is traumatized!
 
Dissociation occurs on a spectrum. On the one end, there’s the more commonplace dissociation: daydreaming during a boring lecture, getting completely absorbed in a suspenseful Netflix series, or losing track of time while playing a videogame. After a particularly rough day at work, you might catch yourself zoning out rather than concentrating on a conversation. This kind of dissociation is normal. Sometimes our brains need that time to disconnect and recharge.
 
The farther along the spectrum you go, however, the more dissociation may interfere with your day-to-day activities. Instead of zoning out every now and then, you might spend hours completely oblivious to time passing, your mind blank. Or when a stressful event occurs, you find yourself suddenly immobilized and feel lost. Sometimes dissociation can make you feel like you’re not real, or like the world around you is constantly blanketed in a fuzzy haze.
 
Dissociation is very natural. That’s why the body uses it sometimes during traumatic events. When dissociation is used to cope with trauma it can manifest in multiple ways such as:
 
  • Dissociating from painful memories to the point where you forget long gaps of your history
  • Dissociating from your body so you don’t feel physical or emotional pain
  • Dissociating from your identity so essentially the trauma “didn’t happen to me”
 
This kind of dissociation starts out as adaptive and helpful. It’s your body’s way of trying to spare you from painful sensations and feelings that are far too overwhelming to process at once. It only gets in the way when the trauma remains unprocessed, and you try to go about your everyday life again only for the dissociation to keep happening. That’s when you may feel totally disconnected from who you are, from others, and from life in general.
 
When dissociation is at the more severe end of the spectrum, you may lose track of time on a regular basis, have trouble remembering the details of your day, or come to in the middle of an activity you don’t remember ever starting. You may also feel internally conflicted about who you are, as if there are multiple sides to you all arguing over who is really “me.”
 
Regardless of where you find yourself on the spectrum of dissociation, if you feel like it’s beginning to interfere with your life, it may be time to seek support. A counselor can help you learn the skills needed for your body to reorient to the present moment and for you to find safety in connection again.
 
For more on dissociation, check out this workbook: “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation” by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, and Onno van der Hart
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

disruptions

I recently moved and I experienced what so many other people experience when they move, I was holding on to a lot of stuff. 
 
Some of it totally made sense because it’s stuff I used everyday or it was family photos that I inherited when my mom died.  Some of it was a bathmat that I bought years ago, never really liked but just kept or there was the bottle of Tylenol that I kid you not, expired in 2014. 
 
The disruptive occasion of moving alerted me to the need to take stock of stuff.  I had to take physical boxes and decide what I wanted to keep, what I wanted to donate and what I wanted to keep but change to make it work in my new home or to make it fit the person I have become instead of the person I was when I first bought it.
 
There are moments in our lives that are disruptive and that draw our attention to the philosophical framework, spiritual beliefs and emotional histories that drive our present, whether we are cognizant of them or not. A disruption can be many things but here are some examples:
 
-Getting married
-Getting divorced
-Adopting or giving birth to a child
-Changing jobs
-Becoming a stay at home parent
-Having a teen or older child question your families beliefs or values
-The death or aging parent or loved one
-Buying a new home and either upsizing or downsizing
-Reaching an important milestone in your career
-Having a child reach a new milestone like last kid to kindergarten or first kid to college
 
We can get lost in the business of re-orienting ourselves in one of these times that knocks us off kilter and just strap everything we have accumulated to our hearts and minds and take it into the new season with us in the midst of our grief, excitement, anxiety, anticipation and many other emotions.
 
We can look at the framework we were given as children or the faith journey we have had so far or at parenting philosophies that were helpful when our kids were babies over a decade ago and think, what of this is my core self, what of this was helpful for a season but really doesn’t fit now and what of this was never really mine, but I carried it out of family obligation or social pressure?
 
These are big questions and sorting through these kinds of things can be a difficult process and therapy can help it all feel less overwhelming and you can rebuild a more intentional, purposeful life for yourself (and your family, if that fits).
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I feel the emotions of others

If you have high empathy, spending time around people can feel like a roller coaster ride.

You walk into a room and instantly read everyone’s emotions. You can tell who feels uncomfortable and who is enjoying everything. You may have become an expert at changing the environment or conversation to help put others at ease. And when they’re not at ease, you feel it too. Anxiety, despair, grief, it can all hit you pretty hard.

High empathy presents some challenges. For instance, you may find yourself accidentally getting pulled into others’ dilemmas and crises without meaning to. Setting boundaries is tough when the moment you tell someone no, you feel their disappointment to the very core. Burnout is also a common experience, especially after sensing a ton of intense emotions at once.

High empathy doesn’t have to be a struggle, though! It’s a valuable trait that, when nurtured, enhances your life and the lives of those around you. Here are three common myths about high empathy and their corresponding truths for more clarity:

1. Myth: If you can feel what others are feeling, it’s your responsibility to make them feel better.

Truth: People are responsible for their own emotions. You can choose to offer help if you’d like, but you’re not obligated to fix what they’re feeling. If you struggle with this, try visualizing others working through their difficult emotions on their own and feeling better afterwards. Imagine them taking a walk to let off steam or giving themselves a five-minute break.

2. Myth: If you have high empathy, it means you’re too sensitive, and that needs to change.

Truth: Sensitivity is a neutral trait. Those high in emotional sensitivity can perceive subtle details others miss and often come across as warm and caring, though they may struggle at times with feeling overstimulated or taking things personally. Those low in sensitivity are able to navigate harsh environments more easily and are good at setting boundaries. However, they may not notice subtle cues in relationships and can come across as blunt or indifferent. Both have strengths and weaknesses, and both types of people are needed!

3. Myth: You have no choice but to take on others’ emotions.

Truth: You can practice noticing others’ emotions without fully taking them on as your own. Try imagining a glass wall between yourself and the other person, where their emotions bounce lightly off the wall back toward them before reaching you. This can help you distinguish between your own feelings and theirs, and can also give you time to think about the situation without immediately feeling overwhelmed.

High empathy is what allows you to deeply connect with those around you in a way that feels exhilarating, meaningful, and fulfilling. Empathy is also key to qualities like kindness and generosity. It’s a gift to be celebrated and it’s part of your charm.

Associated media: https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-and-emotional-empathy-4582389  

(This article helps define what empathy is and the different types)

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I don’t want to be selfish

There are some households where everything revolves around one person.
 
Maybe a family member is chronically ill, addicted to substances, or just has a tendency to run the whole show. In any case, what you learn from a young age is to always focus on someone else. Stay small. Don’t rock the boat. Make sure everyone is happy.
 
And sometimes focusing entirely on someone else feels good at first. Self-sacrifice is often celebrated as one of the ultimate acts of love or altruism. People may even compliment your selflessness. But over time, it drains you. Exhaustion, depression, and burnout can set in. You find yourself beginning to crave things like time, space, sleep, and support.
 
But if you take that step and reach out for what refuels you, suddenly the guilt sets in. You may wonder, “Am I selfish?”  Tuning in to your own needs or harder yet – standing up for those needs, is, after all, making it about you, right?
 
When you’re used to ignoring what you need and how you feel, it makes sense that taking care of yourself feels unnatural. Thankfully, self-care and selfishness aren’t the same thing – though at first it may be difficult to tell the two apart. Selfishness means thinking only of yourself to the exclusion of others, or even to their detriment. Selfishness says, “I’m better than everyone else!”
Self-worth says, “I’m equal to others.” It involves respecting yourself as a human being, recognizing your limits, and honoring your boundaries. Self-worth recognizes that it’s okay to take breaks, get a bite to eat, and say no when you need to. In the same way, it honors and respects the needs and boundaries of others.
 
Of course, sometimes your needs will conflict with someone else’s. Self-worth acknowledges that everyone’s needs matter, including yours, and seeks to make a compromise. That may mean choosing to sacrifice some of your needs at times to prioritize someone else’s – but that’s just the thing. It’s a choice, not an obligation. Choosing to sacrifice your rights isn’t the same as believing you don’t have any. And self-worth also allows others to make the same choice to prioritize your needs over theirs sometimes.
 
How do you figure out what rights you have?  Check out this list of personal rights and see what stands out to you. Which ones are easiest for you to claim? Which are the hardest? Keeping the list on hand or posting it on your fridge or mirror can help remind you what healthy self-worth looks like.
 
Check out this “Personal Bill of Rights” handout: https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Stacey

Silver Lining

It sounds good…” just look for the silver lining in that dark cloud”, “think happy thoughts”.

We as a culture are slowly surfacing from this well of toxic positivity, we are finding freedom within the dark places.
 
Freedom meaning: the freedom to feel, not free from our present issue or the Mount Everest hovering over us. Finding relationships which allow expression of our gut feelings and emotions, sitting with ourselves and with others in spaces that are mentally draining and uncomfortable, this is where we find our true selves.  This is where we notice emotional growth.
 
Toxic positivity eliminates what we need most during a difficult time: validation, acceptance, and empathy. Toxic positivity is the easy way out to brush past one’s current state, toxic positivity is selfish, and it is unnatural.

I often wonder how certain people sit in their own dark spaces with all the silver linings swirling around them.

Never worked for me, in fact someone pointing out positives usually creates a state of anger and distrust in that person. I want to surround myself with people who will withstand the storm with me, no matter how long that storm may last. 
 
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Summer

Here are two reasons why I despise toxic positivity: 

 

1. It can sound disturbingly similar to the same messages people receive from abusers: “Your feelings don’t matter.” “You’re not allowed to feel anything that inconveniences me.” “Only my problems matter; you don’t have any problems.”  It’s emotionally invalidating and can be very triggering.

2. Toxic Positivity sends the message that your problems are simply due to a lack of willpower (essentially: “your fault”). Just push harder to think differently, and you can. That quickly induces a deep sense of shame in people struggling with issues that require more interventions because of factors beyond their control. It makes it sound like if you need any other interventions (such as medication, relational support, therapy, relaxation techniques, rest, etc.) you’re somehow weaker than other people. 
 
It also keeps people from offering care to others, from asking for help when they need it, and it promotes a standard of emotion regulation that is neither natural nor achievable. If we only allow ourselves to feel happy all the time, we miss out on crucial information our bodies and emotions are trying to give us, such as what we value in life or when it’s time to set boundaries. 
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Kate

Toxic Positivity teaches children that the way we deal with difficult emotions is not to give our feelings space and work through them to acceptance. 

Instead, it teaches them to shove our true feelings down and put a superficial spin on them in the moment. i.e., those girls are being mean to you because they are intimidated by your beauty and confidence. Instead of saying, you feel hurt and disappointed that you didn’t get invited to the party when most of the girls in your class did.

Making space for these feelings teaches children that their feelings are valid.

After they explore their feelings then they can come up with a plan that makes them feel better like inviting friends from their YMCA soccer team for a sleepover that night and coming up with a ‘script’ together with mom to tell the other girls how being left out made her feel, if it will likely be accepted by the other girls. 

In the differently abled community, there’s a lot of the “you’re so strong, you never complain” kind of sentiments when it would help to know that it is ok to be tired and frustrated by compensating for neurodivergence or physical disability.

Navigating a world that wasn’t built for the body and/or brain that you have isn’t always a fun adventure and it is important to be able to ask for the support you need and to be confident you’ll be met with understanding and not empty, pseudo positive, spin. 

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Morgan

3 positivity statements and why I hate them. 

The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.

This statement is not only unrealistic but promises an outcome that’s not true.  I’m wondering if the person wrote this has any family members at all. Or has been in public spaces?  Negative people are everywhere.  We can all probably name someone in our family who has been negative at times.  We can all think of a time WE have been negative at times. 

What is it like to just not respond to negative people? Does it give you more peace? I think it’s possible to find peace by picking your battles with people. But this is usually with people you aren’t in regular contact with or aren’t in a long-term relationship with-like your grandma or neighbor. 

Another issue with this statement is that it can be enabling someone to continue their pattern of negativity, which steals your peace overtime. It wears down your serene bubble until it bursts and you’re more tense, angry and hurt than ever before.  So maybe responding to someone’s negativity actually brings you more peace???

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

This one makes me want to 🤢.  Should I just leave it at that?  For anyone who has seen hardship of any kind, this can be tone deaf to our experience. 

We all struggle with how to be grateful for what we have.  We want to see the beauty in our everyday life, but it’s not at the exclusion of the difficulty, the struggle.  It’s an oversimplification of life and makes it seem like there is a space of happiness we confined if we just look.  I.E., if you’re not happy, you’re not trying hard enough. 

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

I have so many problems with this.  Do YOU always feel like sunshine? Does your best friend always feel like sunshine?  

First of all, this is (obviously) unrealistic, but secondly, it’s encouraging us to distance ourselves from those who challenge us.  If everyone did this, no one would grow or change and no one would to to therapy. 

Surrounding ourselves with people who are kind and caring is important, but friction in relationships helps to sharpen us. It is a sign of maturity to have the emotional resilience to withstand conflict and challenge in relationships.

Toxic positivity is based in an assumption that we can go through life without struggle, without friction, without uncertainty, and without pain.

Toxic positivity attempts to sidestep all of these so we can find real peace, happiness, and sunshine. This works as long as you don’t go through anything hard. But as soon as you face something that hurts like when a friend betrays you or someone says a negative comment, you realize you can’t find all those happy feelings. 

What’s worse, you begin to blame yourself for losing touch with that peace, that happiness and that sunshine. It also becomes a problem when you act contrary to these mantras. Like when YOU ARE the negative person in someone’s life, or when YOU ARE causing someone else to feel unhappy, and you ARE NOT the sunshine that someone needs.

We shame ourselves for being “negative and ungrateful” and feel inferior to others. Toxic positivity does so much damage to us. Even as I googled these images, I was feeling pretty good about myself. But the more I saw, I see that it doesn’t offer any real hope. A joy-filled, gritty, messy, but fulfilling life is really what I’m after.

At East Dallas Therapy we hope that you can find those people in your life who give you constructive feedback and support- not negativity.  We hope that you can show gratitude (generally) but don’t force yourself to feel happy all the time.


We hope that you show grace to others when they can’t be all you need.

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