Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

What You Resist, Persists

It’s a paradox but it’s true. The more we try to push something away the more is seems to follow us. We do this with negative thoughts or bad memories. We feel it coming on and we try to push past it. Depending on how you’re wired, you might struggle against those thoughts. Or you might give in and let them flood you. Either way, it is persisting in your mind, sometimes getting caught in your body.
 
I struggle with self-doubt. Sometimes I feel not good enough. I strive to be better and be more. I feel like I need to earn my rest, and I think I have to prove that I belong.
 
These kinds of thoughts pop up all the time. I have let anxiety take me under in times of my life. And I have wrestled with it and tried to rise above it in other times in my life. But after trying both of these, I can tell you, my fears and limiting beliefs still persisted.
 
I have discovered that what seems to take the power out of these thoughts is acceptance as I’ve read about acceptance and commitment therapy created by Dr Russ Harris. These thoughts are like a giant scary monster towering over me, when I choose acceptance rather than to wrestle, the air is released, and it deflates.
 

A few things about acceptance:

  • It doesn’t mean you are letting yourself live according to that belief, fear or though.
  • It doesn’t mean it will never change.
  • It won’t make you feel instantly happier.

But what acceptance DOES DO:

  • It regulates the nervous system so you can make choices rather than reacting out of emotions.
  • After acceptance you can commit to a different action, behavior or thought.
  • It helps you accept where you are now, then commit to changing.
  • You build self-compassion rather than shaming yourself.
Wanna know more about this??
Read The Happiness Trap
 
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

6 Places to Make Friends

I have noticed a trend in the last few years as a therapist.  So many people talk about feeling isolated and lonely. I think we don’t know how to make friends as adults! It’s like dating, but with less social structure around it.
 
Finding a new friend requires you to show up to “dates” with new friends (strangers), not knowing what they are like. It can feel vulnerable, boring, and time consuming! So, this is your encouragement to keep trying!  Commit to those people in your life regularly. Convenience is sometimes more important than finding someone you perfectly click with.
 
Relationships are based in shared experiences. That means you have to show up over and over and build those memories together.  There are people out there with the same desires as you. I KNOW people in your community want connection and real relationships that will last a lifetime just like you do. None of us want to go into the next few decades of your life as an island trying to be self-sufficient.

Here are some easy ways to meet new friends.

1. Join a running club or workout group. Some of my faves are: Caulfield Dance, Bar Method, and Dallas Running Club
2. Attend an artsy workshop- Rachel Larlee Creates, Dallasites list of art workshops
3. Attend an art opening or lecture- Art House Dallas has so many amazing events
4. Start a book club in your neighborhood (remember convenience is important!)
5. Throw a patio party. Invite who you know and have them invite someone else!
6. For new moms, join your neighborhood moms’ group- most areas have one that holds events for you with or without babies.
With most of these activities this won’t launch you into deep relationships. It will take you stepping out and engaging with people. So, after getting comfortable in some of these settings ask if people to do something else. It WILL NOT feel natural at first, but it will grow over time.

I want to normalize how weird this process is as an adult! But it’s possible to build a community that brings you fulfillment and connection.

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

It Wasn’t That Bad

Some days you might look at your symptoms and triggers and think to yourself, “I’ve been through so much it’s overwhelming!”

Trauma feels like the perfect word to describe it. But then the next day or even the next hour rolls around, and you find yourself thinking the total opposite: “I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” After all, you can easily point to someone else who’s had it worse.  

You feel like a ping pong ball, going back and forth about what happened to you. At this point, you may assume that if you can’t settle on whether your experience was that bad, it must not be. Wouldn’t someone with real trauma feel certain about what happened to them?

Actually, no.

It’s very common for people who have experienced trauma – whether mild, moderate, or severe – to question whether anything significant really happened to them. Even those who have endured years of violence and abuse find themselves discounting their experiences.

In some ways, this is highly adaptive. Sometimes people develop a part of themselves that pretends nothing occurred so they can go on with normal life for a time. It’s too hard to feel grief, shame, or fear while you’re trying to work or study in school. Denying the trauma helps.

However, usually the person has another part of themselves that still feels all those difficult emotions, and even if that part is hidden away for a time, it never really goes away. The result can feel like an inner battle. One part of you functions well in day-to-day life by ignoring the trauma, and the other part feels crushed by the trauma and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge it.

Whenever you’re feeling divided like that, take a moment to notice which side seems to be winning out and which side is getting stifled.

Try not to judge either one. Remind yourself that both parts have helped you in the past and it’s normal to have doubts. What feelings might you be avoiding? Are there other ways you can get through the day without invalidating the hurt you still feel? Lean into your support network while you focus on bridging the gap between the two sides.  

If you want to read more about how reconcile different parts of yourself in the aftermath of trauma, check out Janina Fisher’s book: “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.”

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

A New State of Grace

The crisp smell of Autumn brings a newness to my senses each year. 

It is during these early mornings where I find my greatest hideaway. Taking a walk and feeling the leaves crunching under my boots, breathing the cool air, and closing my eyes helps me to re-center my thoughts for that moment.  Anxiety and depression so often tend to resurface for many of us during this season.  Tasks to be completed, friends we want to spend time with, complex family dynamics, planning get togethers, work functions, family/kid schedules, all are part of our lives but can steadily begin to feel burdensome and overwhelming. 

Allowing ourselves to step away from our daily schedules, even if for 10 minutes can allow our mind and body the freedom to recharge. From here, we may gain new perspectives, feel the uncomfortable, and grant ourselves the grace to just exist. By creating a regular practice of self-care, we can begin to push away tendencies such as negative self-talk, getting stuck in the details, or comparing ourselves to others.  Self-care does not have to be a bathtub with candles and a book, instead self-care can be quite simple! 

Here are a few of my favorite calming practices, coupled with some input from the 20 something’s in my life:

  1. Gardening
  2. Driving with the windows down and my dog in the back seat, listening to music

  3. Organizing

  4. Playing guitar

  5. Crafting

  6. Playing piano

  7. Walk in nature

  8. Meditative Mind on Spotify

  9. Yoga

  10.  Looking at old photos

  11. Hot tea

  12. Reading a new book

During this holiday season, I encourage you to discover what calms you, what makes you feel light, and begin to let go of toxic expectations we tend to place on ourselves.  

Anxiety, Parenting, postpartum, Self-Care

Self-care… What does that even mean??

“Self-Care” has become a buzz word. It can mean so many different things. I have seen some people talk about spa days being self-care, and others talking about deeper self-care, like finding freedom from old ways of thinking or healing from past trauma as self care. 

As a therapist, my perspective is that self-care is all about asking for what you need. It’s about learning to show up fully in your life and not let other’s agenda, expectations, or your own people pleasing get in the way of you living a full and joyful life. I have created a step by step guide to self-care that dives into habits, scripts for how to ask for what you need, and even a visual activity that helps you think about those relationships in your life that are restorative and those that are draining. 

Download it below!

Download the Self-Care PDF

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Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

On Humans and Holidays

Take a moment to think about what it’s like being human. What is it that makes you human? There’s your physical body. You also possess certain gifts that come with being human, like the ability to reason, plan, and relate with others. Then there are shortcomings all humans face. For example, you’ve only got a limited amount of strength, time, and resources.

This may all seem pretty obvious, but it can be easy at times to forget about being human. Instead, we begin operating in one of two ways:

  1. Superhuman: Take the holiday season, for instance. You may experience an enormous amount of pressure to operate outside of your limits: stretch the finances, attend every event, make everybody happy, do everything just right to create the perfect memories. And those aren’t bad things to desire – the only problem is that if we push ourselves to perform at a superhuman capacity, eventually our resources hit rock bottom, and that’s when feelings of failure and shame can creep in. The message we keep telling ourselves is, “You should be more than this!”
  2. Subhuman: When you struggle to meet expectations for yourself, or if you were treated poorly growing up or in important relationships, you can find yourself falling into a mindset that you’re somehow less than other people. Feeling subhuman can also happen during the holiday season, especially if we’re around others who put us down or bulldoze over boundaries. We may end up avoiding setting boundaries at all or try to fade into the background as guilt and shame set in. The message we end up telling ourselves here is, “You’ll never be enough.”   

Giving yourself the time and space to be human can be liberating. Instead of reaching for unattainable perfection or feeling so much despair you avoid reaching for anything at all, you get to be you. Being human means, you’re allowed to make mistakes without it being a sign of total personal failure. You also have the right to dignity and respect. The message for ourselves and everyone around us becomes, “It’s okay to be you.”

Pete Walker has a list on his website of specific rights all humans have: http://www.pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm.  If you take a moment to skim through the list, what stands out to you? Which rights are easiest for you to claim? Which ones do you wrestle with? Think about which human rights you want to keep in mind this holiday season as you relate to others and to yourself.

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

When shutting down kept you safe

Movies make emotional expression look easy.  If a character feels something, they always clearly show it, whether by crying, balling their hands into fists, frowning, laughing, or smiling.

Now imagine taking all that away. You’re left with a character who displays a neutral facial expression, an even tone of voice, and zero body language. How do they communicate what they’re feeling? They may say, “I’m having a bad day,” but without any other cues, we’re left with a lot of questions. Exactly how bad was their day? Was it slightly irritating or absolutely devasting?

For many who have experienced relational trauma, this kind of thing happens all the time. They may say the words, “I’m sad” or “I’m not okay,” but their tone of voice and body language give no indication of how serious the situation is. In relationships, this can cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. They may feel like they’re communicating clearly, but the other person doesn’t know how to read the cues – because there aren’t any.

There’s a good reason for this. Relational trauma teaches people that emotional expression isn’t safe. They quickly learn how to fly under the radar to keep out of danger. Shutting down facial expressions, tone, and body language becomes a survival skill that, when practiced repeatedly over time, can become automatic. In a toxic relationship, hiding emotions is a great survival skill to have! The problem is, when the person tries to engage in healthy relationships later on, their body is still shut down. It’s hard to get emotions to show again.

Counseling can help bring emotional expression back online. But what do you do in the meantime when you’re trying to communicate how you feel to loved ones?

If you struggle with emotional expression, here are some tips you can try out:

  • Use an emotion chart to find words that express how you feel more precisely
  • Come up with a code (ex: green, yellow, red; or a number from 1-10) to tell the person how intensely you’re experiencing that emotion.
  • Give the person some ideas on how to best help you at each level of intensity (ex: green means you need a hug, red means you need time and space to recover).
  • Ask the other person for feedback on how they’re interpreting what you’re communicating and why.
  • Be kind to yourself. It’s frustrating when you want to express but struggle to do so. Remind yourself that your body has been trying to keep you safe and it just takes time for it to learn new patterns of relating.

Try using this emotion wheel: https://hilarioushumanitarian.com/products/wheel-of-emotions-sticker?variant=42917560484065&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjbyYBhCdARIsAArC6LJWARJk0aUxmUVIITuVVtxyuZ3KtxPHo06pzLnO-QXMvGg5zxAn534aAoI6EALw_wcB

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

Know Your Triggers

If you keep catching yourself overreacting to normal situations, feeling guilty for being “too sensitive,” and finding yourself inexplicably overwhelmed at the strangest moments, you might be triggered.

Triggers can be anything that remind you of past trauma to the point where you react like you’re in danger. The reminder might not be conscious, but your body registers the cue from the environment as a threat.

The problem is, when you don’t know you’re triggered, it’s super easy to judge yourself as being “crazy” or “too emotional.” And that kind of self-condemnation can stir up feelings of shame, which can trigger you too!

Knowing your triggers is the first step to healing. Consider some of the following types:

  1. Neutral triggers:  These triggers aren’t safety issues, just normal aspects of everyday life. For example, let’s say you survived a terrible fire in the past. Now you’re out camping when you smell campfire smoke. Suddenly your heart starts racing, it’s hard to breathe, and fear consumes you. Logically you know there’s no real threat from the contained campfire, but your body is reacting the same way it did to the fire in the past. In this instance, it can help to remind yourself that you’re safe in the present moment.
  2. Dangerous triggers:  It’s important to be able to differentiate harmless triggers from truly threatening ones. For example, an abusive and controlling friend might remind you of a past relationship that was also toxic. Sometimes being triggered is a sign you’re in danger and need to reach out for help.
  3. Upsetting but not dangerous triggers:  Imagine you and your partner are stressed, a conversation gets heated, and your partner gets so upset they ask to take a break from the argument. Without warning, you’re flooded with intense feelings of worthlessness. Part of you knows your partner just needs time to cool off, but the other part is convinced they hate you and are going to leave you. In this scenario, feeling upset makes sense to some degree. Most people feel frustrated during an argument or dislike having to wait to resolve a problem. But the emotional intensity signals a deeper issue.

When you’re triggered and don’t know it, you might accidentally assume the trigger is to blame for how you feel. For instance, in the previous example, the feelings of worthlessness aren’t caused by your partner, they’re caused by past trauma. Past emotions from traumatic events can break through into the present even if the trauma occurred years ago.

When this happens, it helps to validate both your emotions that fit the situation (such as irritation with your partner), and your emotions from the past (such as fear of abandonment from a neglectful caregiver). Remind yourself that how you feel about the past is okay, it just may not apply very well to your current situation.

For more information on triggers, read “Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma” workbook by Janina Fisher.

Anxiety, Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?

A previous post explored the dysfunctional relationship roles described by Dr. Stephen Karpman’s “Drama Triangle” – the perpetrator, victim, and rescuer. People can get stuck in these roles especially when they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Thankfully, there’s a way out of the dysfunction. The “Empowerment Triangle” explains how to jump off the Drama Triangle and into healthier ways of connecting with others:

1. The Challenger:

  • Is no longer a perpetrator
  • Becomes assertive rather than aggressive
  • Stands up for their own needs and the needs of others
  • Takes responsibility for their own actions and consequences

2. The Creator:

  • No longer overgeneralizes victimization
  • Recognizes when they do have control
  • Begins making their own choices
  • Pursues dreams and goals to create the life they want to live

3. The Coach:

  • No longer rescues by enabling
  • Recognizes their own needs and practices self-care
  • Supports others by empowering them and teaching them skills
  • Encourages others by reminding them of their own strengths

Unlike the Drama Triangle roles, everyone on the Empowerment Triangle has learned how to take responsibility for their own emotions and problems. This leads to a healthy way of relating that involves mutual respect, support, and deeper connection.

Jumping from the Drama Triangle to the Empowerment Triangle can be tricky at first while you’re still learning how to differentiate the two. The more you practice, the easier it gets. However, just because you successfully jump off the Drama Triangle doesn’t mean everyone else on the triangle is automatically going to follow suit.

Sometimes they’ll notice the changes you make, and they’ll want to change too. But you may also run into people who have no intention of leaving their dysfunctional role. When that happens, they may even intensify their efforts to get you back onto the Drama Triangle, because otherwise it becomes unbalanced.  

Which of the Empowerment Triangle roles do you identify with the most? And who in your life have you noticed consistently practicing one of the healthy roles? You can use the Drama Triangle and Empowerment Triangle to figure out who fits best into your support network.

For more information on the Drama Triangle as well as healthy roles, read this article by Lynne Namka: https://lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/drama-triangle/

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care

The garden’s healing force

There seems to be a broad assumption that our internal world and our external world are two separate things. When struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout, we often want to analyze ourselves, fix our thinking, or get some medication to help the brain function seamlessly. We walk around like a brain on a stick believing that when our mood changes, or we feel something we don’t want to feel, our brain can think its way out of it. We assume that a physical problem needs a physical solution and a mental problem needs a mental solution. It makes logical sense. But I want to propose another healing agent: the natural world around us. More specifically, the garden right outside your front door.

Being outdoors makes you feel good. Hearing the overlapping songs of birds swooping from trees, noticing the settlement of minerals in the rock formations of a canyon, plunging your hand in the soil to mix in compost, denting the surface to plant a seed. Is there anything more centering?

Human beings are the only living organisms that need to “go be in nature.” Most of us live in a tidy air-conditioned space, and when we’re ready to engage with nature, we plan a trip to a park, we go on a hike, get in a kayak, or plant a seed in the soil. But we have that wrong. We don’t visit nature; we are nature. It’s so simple, but we forget. There is a strong connection between our outer world, our relationship with the natural world, and our brain and body chemistry.

In my own life, I have been on a path toward understanding this more fully. It is a simple truth, that we are nature, and that nature can heal us. And yet, so many of us partition it off from our daily lives. This is why I decided to pursue horticultural therapy. To read the full article published in the Dallas Morning News, click here. (you have to have a DMN subscription to read it)  And see below for some simple garden activities to begin to engage with nature in a new way.

Here are two practices you can do in your garden space that may help you in your personal growth. For the purposes of this exercise, a garden space just means: your backyard, your back porch, your patio, your courtyard, or a balcony with a potted plant. It can be 12 square feet or half an acre. Remember that we don’t go into nature, we are nature. It is all around us and it is in us. Therefore, it is the most natural thing in the world to be present to your natural surroundings.

A practice for someone who is burned out, stressed or anxious.

Description: Burn-out and stress can be caused by a mismatch of your values and gifts, and what is asked of you in your daily life. We often have to devote our attention to a task that we are too tired or ill-equipped to handle. A person who is burned out and stressed out is longing for some restoration and mental rest. In nature, we can use “involuntary attention” to create a sense of relaxation. Involuntary attention is what happens when you sit on your patio watching the birds or mindlessly weed your garden. You are just aware enough of the task at hand, while the rest of your mind gets a breather.

Reflection:

Check in with your body as you begin this practice in nature. What are you carrying with you into this moment? Where do you feel it in your body? Try not to analyze yourself, or fixate too much, and try not to solve any problems mentally. Take a breath and picture breathing into those tense places in your body. After the nature activity, return to this exercise. See what has changed and check in with your body again.

Activity:

Go throughout your outdoor space finding leaves, flowers, sticks, and petals. Whatever material you see. See if you can get one piece of plant material for every item on your to do list. Or choose one to represent each burden you are carrying today. As you lay them out, think about how you can release your worries and open up your grip of control over your life. After you have finished laying out the design. Take a moment, then blow them all away as a symbol of letting go of your stress.

A practice for someone who is depressed or grieving.

Description:

Depression is a complete lack of hope for the future. There is a felt sense of permanence to it when you are in the middle of it. I often notice that the more a person attempts to pull themselves out of it by thinking more positively, it only shines light on how powerless they feel to do anything about it. For those reasons, this reflection and activity focuses on acceptance and acknowledgment of depression.

Reflection:

Take a moment to acknowledge your depression. It might feel like discouragement, sadness, grief, or disappointment. What does it feel like today? Write that word down. Let yourself feel it for a moment. Remember that emotions aren’t permanent, they come and go live the waves of the sea.

Activity:

For this activity you will need a seed or small plant, soil, small pot or space to plant and a small piece of paper towel or toilet paper.

On the piece of paper towel or toilet paper, write one hope you have about yourself even as you are experiencing depression. This can be something concrete: “I hope this plant grows.” Or a deeper longing: “I want my life back.”

Place your paper in the bottom of the pot or in a hole in the ground. Plant it in with the plant or seed. When you start to grow something you cultivate the seedlings, but you also have to trust that the water and sunlight will make it grow. In the same way, we set our intentions for our own growth and healing, but we have to trust that healing happens in its own time, and our body and mind will find a way through.

Morgan Myers is a family counselor in Dallas. She wrote this for The Dallas Morning News.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

For Us Givers at Heart

Some filtering questions for those of you who are Givers at heart (and maybe sometimes over-functioning) 🙂

Many of us (we therapists know we’re In this category too!) find ourselves giving beyond our means and in ways that are unsustainable. People sometimes take more than they give back. And there is always a need that arises among the people we care about. We can find ourselves running around trying to meet these needs and we can get so tired and drained! We sometimes don’t stop to think if it’s something we want to do or something we can do.

If you relate to this, here are a few questions to ask yourself that might help you filter through these situations. Sometimes you can give sacrificially to others and sometimes you may need to practice saying no to others and saying yes to yourself and your needs. 

Sidenote: We believe the end goal in our relationships is to be generous to others in a sustainable way.  We aren’t advocating for you to be self focused, but to tend to your needs so that you have more to give to those around you.

So ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is the person asking for your help? Sometimes when we hear about something difficult we want to fix it. But sometimes people don’t need anything from you than just to listen.
  2. Do you have it to give? Do you have the food in the pantry to be able to make someone a meal? Do you have the time to sit and listen to someone without being late something else? Do you have the patience and energy to give to this person without losing patience for those that you know you must give it to (aka your kids or spouse)
  3. Can you give joyfully? Without resentment or bitterness.
  4. Can you give without expecting something in return?

This feels like a sucker punch even as a write this, but when I’ve tried to follow my instincts with how much I can realistically give I end up feeling more rested and centered. Try this out and see how your emotional (and financial and mental) reserves seem to change.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma

What if I Spiral?

“I know I’m supposed to let myself feel what I feel…but whenever I try, I get depressed for days.”


It’s true that processing your emotions means allowing yourself to feel them. But here’s the thing: when you’ve been stuffing down your feelings for so long, there can be so many intense emotions trapped on the inside that feeling them all at once leads to overwhelm.


And that can make you feel stuck. Stuffing your emotions means invalidating them, and that doesn’t feel good, but then feeling your emotions means inviting a flood of them so strong you either spiral downward or shut down entirely. That doesn’t feel good either.  Where does the relief come in?


If feeling your emotions tends to do this to you, that may be a sign to take things slower. You don’t have to feel everything at once. Take it step by step. Give yourself space to feel just a little piece at a time, and as soon as you’ve had a moment to feel a little bit, take a step back. Give yourself permission to take a break, recharge, and do something you enjoy. You can go back to feeling your emotions later when you’re feeling rejuvenated and ready again.


Here are some tips for how you can feel your emotions safely:

  • Write down what each step of your downward spiral looks like. Know the signs that you’re getting too overwhelmed and need a break.
  • Create a plan for how to recharge after feeling your emotions. What’s something that truly helps your body feel better? Do you need to take a walk? Listen to some upbeat music? Watch a favorite movie?
  • Set a timer for as long as you want – a minute, 5 minutes, 15, whatever feels safest and most doable for you. While the timer is running, notice your emotions and how they feel in your body. Allow them to be there without judging them. When the time is up, take a break.
  • Visualize putting your emotions away somewhere safe. You can imagine storing them in a vase, a treasure box, or some other container that marks them as precious and important.
  • Remind yourself that you can revisit them later.

You’ll notice that with repetition, the time you can spend feeling your emotions gets longer. The more you practice, the easier it gets!

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