Self-Care, Trauma

Exhausted from Caretaking?

Caretaking is an others-focused way of living where you spend most of your time and energy trying to help people. On the surface, it may look a lot like caring, but there are some key differences. For one, caretaking behavior is accompanied by the nagging underlying belief that “I don’t matter.”

Consider whether any of these signs of caretaking apply to you: 

·         I never ask others for help. 

·         I tend to be the giver in all my relationships. 

·         I believe if I can fix somebody’s problem, I must. 

·         I find myself listening to everyone else’s problems, but I rarely talk about my own.

·         I feel guilty telling others “no.”  

·         I believe others matter more than I do.

·         I tend to ignore my own needs. 

People who struggle with caretaking come across as very selfless. They listen more than they speak. They are quick to empathize and lend a helping hand. They shower others with encouragement. But too often, the compassion they extend to others is not something they give to themselves. 

The result? Exhaustion. It is common for those who caretake to live in a constant cycle of burnout. When they have energy, it’s quickly spent on those who’ve come to depend on them. That can cause the person caretaking to feel depleted, fearful, depressed, or even resentful. They may isolate themselves from others until they finally have energy to spend again, only to be drained once more.  

There are many reasons why you might find yourself trapped in this cycle. Maybe you grew up in an environment that overemphasized self-sacrifice and labeled getting your needs met as selfish. Or maybe you took on the parentified role in your family, expected to look after your siblings or parents from a very young age. Caretaking is also a common result of trauma. Feelings of shame reside at the core of trauma, and often those who carry shame try to battle against it by people-pleasing to gain approval. But the sense of finally being good enough is always fleeting. 

So how do you break the cycle? Start to focus more on you. Putting forth the effort to heal and grow frees us up to be more caring to others! When we learn how to meet our own needs, there is less exhaustion, fear, and shame holding us back. 

It also helps to remember the motto, “never do for others what they can do for themselves.” Encouraging others to use the tools they have empowers people to feel more capable and confident in themselves. For example, rather than making it your life mission to cheer up a depressed friend, truly caring for them might still involve listening, but also reminding them of the things they can do that help them feel better.

You’ll be much better prepared to care for others when you’ve had time to tackle your own problems, recharge, and show compassion to yourself. Caretaking comes from a place of depletion, but caring comes from a place of wholeness.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt

Family and COVID and Boundaries and Christmas

I wrote on this topic last year. I am just coming back to look over what I wrote for Christmas 2020, and it strikes me how much has changed. So much of our emotional experience has had to stay beneath the surface since the world turned upside down. We haven’t had the chance to process all that we have just experienced. But those emotions are still there: the uncertainty about the future, the self-doubt in our decisions, the fear, and the outrage at other’s decisions about politics or wearing a mask. 

Not only are we processing the Covid-world, but the holidays always stir up our past family experiences. We can be sent back to that child-version of ourselves when we get around family. (You can read more about this in my post about this from last year) As we try to make plans for the holiday this year, it can leave us feeling frozen in making decisions, or wanting to run away, or wanting to say yes to everything to please everyone. 

If there was EVER a time to get clear about what you need (your boundaries), it’s now.

So I encourage you to take a minute and listen to your own voice- what you need. I list a few ways to do this below. It can be so easy to get swept away in our family’s plans or our own fears. So when you think about how to handle the holidays, where to spend your time, or what to say no to, take a pause before you respond. If you’ve already responded and regret it, it’s ok to change your mind. Of course we have to consider our physical health and other’s health. But then make sure to consider emotional health. What your heart might need this year is to celebrate with people safely or what you may need is a quiet holiday with a few loved ones. It’s ok to speak up for those needs. 

This year will be the ultimate test in boundaries for us all.

You are forced to speak up for what you need knowing you might disappoint people. You might take more risks and face the judgement of friends. Or you might be more cautious and face judgement from family. But listening to your needs will ultimately lead you to a place of confidence and security. You’ll feel happier and more authentic in your relationships. You’ll be able to be present during this beautiful and restorative season.

If we can be reflective and slow down, we can embrace this season with our whole hearts. So when you have a quiet moment of reflection, here are some ways to acknowledge your emotions during the holidays without letting them run the show:

  • In a safe, quiet place (so probably not in the laundry room while everyone is waiting for you to come back so they can open presents), try to identify your fears, anxieties, and needs.
  • Remind yourself you are not that child anymore. You have more tools, more control, and more awareness now.
  • Reflect on what your own nuclear family needs and make space for those needs.
  • Open up your hand to what the holiday can be now so you don’t get stuck in what it used to be or what you imagined it would be. Stay flexible.
  • Know the difference between wisdom and fear. Wisdom can take a calculated risk- it can image a positive outcome, as well as an unfortunate outcome. Wisdom is slow and reflective. Fear is reactive and visceral. It can’t image a positive outcome and gives you tunnel vision. Wisdom is the path that leads to more joy even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes. Fear leads to anxiety and hiding.

If you need to process wisdom and fear in your life, reach out. We want to hear your story. Email me morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or click here to book an appointment.

Anxiety, Self-Care

How to stress less during the holidays

How do you relax when you…

Have family expecting things of you, have kids running around, messes everywhere, your diet is off, you aren’t exercising, you’re trying not to feel guilty for what you’re eating, you’re taking off work, you’re trying to work and take off work, you’re financially stressed, you’re physically stressed, you’re emotionally stressed AND you’re mentally stressed!!!

We’re all facing stress this year like no other year. It feels like every decision we make could have detrimental consequences and yet many of us are so ready to be with family and relax and celebrate during a season of (supposed) joy!

Over on our Instagram I spoke with a local chiropractor, Dr. Bethany Roggendorf at Family Wellness at White Rock about how to reduce our stress during this season. She talked about how stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol aren’t “bad” but they can be overactive in our bodies and it’s our job to regulate them.

Here are some of her tips for relaxation:

  1. Take time for your freakin self! However that looks for you!
  2. Give yourself grace with your diet and consider not weighing at all during this season.
  3. Remember its not what you do in one day that matters as much as what you do DAILY. So one day (as in Christmas Day) won’t break your health, it’s those daily choices throughout the year.
  4. Think about getting OUTSIDE to walk or exercise
  5. Do low tech or no tech activities.

Some helpful resources on stress

From Dr. Roggendorf

Read more about Dr. Roggendorf here.

Parenting, postpartum, Self-Care

3 Things to Remember as Your Kids Get Back to School

By Morgan Myers, LPC therapist to burned out mamas (read more about Morgan here)

1. Your kids are as anxious as you are!

We’re all anxious as we think about the risks of returning to school during a pandemic! The visual of walking up to your kids school, everyone in a mask, no one social distancing, germs, and coughing and all of it! It’s overwhelming! Your kids are taking in all of that too. They are processing the fact that they haven’t been in a classroom for 6 months. We all know what our anxiety feels and looks like. Kid’s anxiety can look like:

  • Whining and complaining
  • Fixating on the plan and the variables
  • Wanting to escape
  • Getting aggressive
  • Extra tired
  • Overly emotional
  • Bigger fits and meltdowns

2. Your kids NEED socialization

Whether you’ve decided to send your kids back in person or keeping them home until the risk lessens, we’re all having to juggle all of our kid’s needs. Obviously their physical health is really important, but consider their emotional health and social development. In case you’re feeling guilty about planning play dates, or getting them back in school, they will benefit from being with other kids. Their brains need to be reminded about social skills, self-control in the classroom, not being bossy (speaking from experience!), learning competence, etc etc. So as their parent, remember not to leave out this aspect of their little bodies and brains! It’s easy to focus on the physical risks, but there are benefits to being around other kids too!

3. In light of all of this above, be kind to your self and show your kids some grace.

We’re all taking in A LOT of change right now! Our lives are almost unrecognizable from what it was this time last year. So show yourself some grace, and when your kid is balling on the floor, or whining for another snack, or trying to control the outcome of everything, give them some grace too. This is how kids respond to situations out of their control (and I would guess its the way we respond to situations out of our control too).

For more on parenting and motherhood, check out my side project @Motherlift on instagram.

Parenting, Self-Care, Uncategorized

5 Tips for Talking to Your Child about their Differences

You (& your child) get to decide how and when to share your child’s diagnosis and details related to their functioning with people even when they ask. Being curious doesn’t entitle someone to an answer. It can be helpful to have a planned response for such times, such as: “ Thanks for being concerned/interested in (child’s name). We choose not to discuss that with you right now.” 

1. Have an “elevator pitch answer” ready to go.

Sometimes people will ask about your child’s difference and you may want a quick way to explain it. Think of this like the elevator pitch that salespeople learn. They have a speech where they can pitch their product in the time it takes the elevator to get them to their floor. I have Cerebral Palsy and my elevator speech to a curious adult is, “Thanks for asking. My diagnosis is Cerebral Palsy. It is a neurological problem caused by premature birth and it affects my balance and the tightness of the muscles in my legs.” I also explain this to kids a lot, in the playroom at work and in public places like the grocery store. I usually say something like this, “ You’re really paying attention! You noticed that I walk differently from other people. I have Cerebral Palsy, that means that my brain which is like a big computer has a little difference. Instead of telling my muscles to work like most people’s do, my brain tells my muscles to be tight all the time and my body is always a little off balance.”

2. Look to your child to see how much is appropriate to share.

If your child is able, discuss with them how and when they want to discuss their difference with friends, classmates, etc. If they are unable to communicate verbally, pay attention to the ways they do communicate with you to gauge their awareness and level of comfort with these conversations and adjust accordingly. 

3. Sometimes it’s helpful to officially share about your child’s differences

For some families, it feels most helpful to have the child address their class at the beginning of the school year and explain their difference so that they can have some more control over how their difference is understood. 

4. This isn’t the end all be all, you can adjust the way you communicate at each developmental stage.

These conversations will need to be tweaked over time as your child grows both developmentally and socially. Sometimes different people or situations will require different conversations. Be willing to shape and change your explanations, as it feels right to you, your child and your family. Trust yourself and your child when navigating these situations. Also, be patient with yourself and your child. These conversations may bring up difficult feelings or painful interactions. 

5. Remember to prioritize self-care!

Having conversations where you or your kid explain their difference can be difficult but even when they are good conversations they can still leave you feeling depleted. Self-care is important. This could be journaling, going for a run or making time to talk to trusted friends. Your child also needs self-care during this time. It can be time alone doing a favorite activity  or  engaging with family or friends to play or talk through their feelings. 

Book an appointment with Kate Miller, LPC
Self-Care

Self-Care = Selfish?

One of my favorite and most recommended “homework” assignments for clients who recently had a baby is self-care. This is simply taking time to do something that is restorative for yourself. It’s a time for you to listen to that inner voice that makes you, you. This helps you remember yourself in a season of life where you and your needs seem to be pushed to the bottom of the list. Note: to learn more about the particulars of postpartum depression read this post about it. 

Sacrificial Love Does Not Equal Sacrificing Self

The line between sacrificial love and losing ourselves is a narrow divide. New mothers fall in love with their little bundles of joy! Their mothering instincts kick in and they snuggle, protect, and attach to their babies. It’s a roller coaster ride. When I was a new mom I found that just about every part of my body was taken over by the needs of my little one. Every minute of my  day was altered, crunched, and squeezed for every last drop of energy and nurturing I could muster. Our babies get their physical and emotional needs met from us almost exclusively- depending on how much support we get from our significant others. 

Can we all be honest and say, motherhood is not what we see on instagram or in magazines?

With their nowhere-in-sight baby gear and gorgeous white sofas? And there is a faulty assumption in our culture that as soon as we have children we will no longer have needs and we’re totally fine with it!  And when we are faced with the choice of ours or our child’s needs, we will probably choose our child’s needs.

The biggest hurdle on the journey toward self care is quieting that voice inside that says “selfish.” When we fly on an airplane we are all told to put our oxygen masks on first before our children! We have to fill ourselves up so we have something to give. As we care for ourselves we cultivate our inner identity, energy, confidence, and passion. When we listen to our needs we refill what has been drained from us in caring for others. In doing this we model for our families what a fulfilling life looks like, and we also show them that they are separate, but securely attached individuals. Maybe as we refill ourselves it gives us some energy back give to our significant others. This also models for our children healthy relationships and creates a safe and secure environment for our families.

4 tips for self care:

  1. Stop ignoring your needs and start ignoring the “selfish” voice. Advocate for your needs.
  2. Make a plan and schedule it
  3. Don’t apologize for it and ignore the guilt!
  4. Incorporate your support system.

 

For a consultation about self-care in the postpartum season, contact me.
Depression, Self-Care

What is Postpartum Depression?

Post Partum depression (PPD) happens either during pregnancy (called peripartum) or in the months after having a baby. PPD can look like a general dark or down feeling. It can feel like you are under water and can’t come out of it. Some common symptoms:

  • You might have trouble sleeping or sleep too much, or
  • might not eat or eat more than usual.
  • You might not feel like doing anything and yet feel trapped at home.
  • It’s a hopeless feeling.
  • Sometimes mothers have anger or rage rise up unexpectedly- where they want to scream or run away from their situation.

It’s a roller coaster ride. Some mothers are nervous to share what thoughts they have had. I am here to tell you, I won’t judge you. I have personal experience with postpartum depression and I have had those dark moments. Seeking help when you have postpartum depression is a process of stepping out of the shame and guilt and choosing to trust someone else- which can be scary, I know.

Each person has a unique set of symptoms. As a therapist, I have seen mothers come out of these symptoms and find tools that they can carry with them in their lives. The next time they experience depression they have new tools and ways of thinking that bring them hope. I like to approach postpartum depression from all sides. I use therapy to talk through those thought patterns and emotions but we also talk about advocating for your needs, changing your lifestyle, helping you communicate with your partner and support system, and we try to add in new activities that can get you out of that rut. If needed, we can talk about getting evaluated for medication as well. 

When a person is depressed it is like their brain is stuck in a chemical rut. The longer their brain is in that state the more difficult it is to recover. There are internal and external causes for post partum depression. According to an article from Harvard Medical School*, these can include, “faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems.”

In the months following having a baby there are so many overlapping factors that create a perfect storm.  If you identify with these symptoms please reach out to me at morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or 469-203-1533.

 *Read more of the above mentioned article here.

Morgan Myers, LPC-intern
Supervised by Jessica Taylor, LPC-S

Morgan is a therapist at East Dallas Psychotherapy specializing in mothers with young kids overwhelmed by life, figuring out relationships, and dealing with depression and anxiety. For more about her click here.

Parenting, Self-Care

The Importance of Being Present

As a counselor working with kids one of the most important parts of my job is being present with my clients. My mind is swirling with to do lists, my expectations of myself and the client, my hunger, my body language, even my language! I continually push it aside over and over so that I can show my clients: I’m here, I see you, I’m with you.

This was never more apparent than when I had to film a play session with my first born. She is 4 years old. She commands a lot of attention. She is constantly saying, mommy? Proclaiming: Mommy! Yelling: MOMMY! SCREAMING: MOMMY! And I snap back to attention. I am constantly fixated on the future- anticipating dinner, cleaning house, planning, worrying, dreaming, self-helping myself mentally. Meanwhile, my 4 year old is eternally in the present, as  is my 5 month old whose immediate physical needs are basically all she knows.

After that play session with my daughter, I have started to think about how we all actually live only in the present moment, we create, feel and experience everything in this moment. Our relationships are built in the present- the current second, minute, hour, and day we spend with our children. In the present is where we all relate to each other. Each moment we spend fixated with the past or future is a moment we are not “with” others.

So, as a quick and simple parenting strategy- try to be aware of where you are mentally. Are you in the room? Are you wishing or hoping or worrying about something else? Turn your attention to the little one (or medium or big one) in front of you and engage. You’ll find the present is full of surprises. There are moments to connect and deepen your relationship with that child that you might miss otherwise. Sometimes you are wrestling with your child’s flaws, they might be throwing a tantrum or complaining. Sometimes your attention sparks a conversation, a hug, or allows them to process an idea. It’s not always heavenly, but your kids will notice even if they don’t let on that they notice.

5 tips for Being Present

  1. Get on eye level with the child.
  2. Put phone on silent- Phones are time machines that take you everywhere BUT the present
  3. Be with the emotion they are feeling. Let them express how they feel without questions or a lesson. (Read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk for more on this!)
  4. Practice mindfulness- Bring your awareness to your body and your breathing. Take a deep breath in 5 seconds. Hold 5 seconds, Out 10 seconds. Click here for free audio guides or open spotify
  5. Take care of yourself first. Just like the flight attendant says, put your oxygen mask first, we have to take care of ourselves so that we have something to draw from. That means meeting your present needs so that you can meet their present needs.

Morgan Myers is an LPC-intern at Hope Child & Family Center of Texas. Morgan Myers got her Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health from Texas A&M-Commerce. She has received training in adolescent counseling, play therapy, sandtray and group therapy. She has worked with a wide range of people including the homeless, young adults in a community college, and adolescents. She has worked with moms dealing with postpartum depression and she is passionate about helping people find hope through self discovery and healing. She provides a safe and accepting environment for all her clients.