Anxiety, Kids Mental Health

What does kid’s anxiety look like?

Parents, I know back to school is a stressful time for everyone. ESPECIALLY right now, we’re all facing fears and changes that aren’t easy.

When your kid isn’t coping very well- it can be tough to figure out what’s going on.

  • Is it anxiety?
  • Is it just worry?
  • Is it rebellion?

We want to clarify what anxiety looks like in kids. Anxiety in kids looks different than it does in adults. Our in house child therapist, Kate Miller, explains the difference…

Anxiety can look like hyperactivity

Anxiety in kids (especially young kids) can look like the inability to be still (in ways that are usually normal for them) and the inability to focus. This can sometimes be identified as ADD or ADHD when it is really anxiety. 

Anxiety can look like regression.

Anxiety in kids can look like regression in development, which can be, having accidents after being consistently potty trained, returning to baby talk or renewed separation anxiety.

Anxiety can look like becoming withdrawn or frozen.

Anxiety in kids can look like a lack of interest in the things that they used to be important to them. This can be school, sports or friendships. 

So what can you do about it?

It’s important to try to identify what’s going on with your kid. Sometimes we see the “negative” behaviors our kids have and think it’s an attitude problem or something that needs to be corrected. But if you see these more specific behaviors, it may be anxiety. As a parent when your kid is anxious what they need most is someone to listen- even to the irrational fears. “My teacher hates me” or “I’m never going back to school!” They can try to release that tension in irrational ways- but if we can respond with compassion first, they will feel heard. When a kid feels heard, it’s much easier for them to calm down. Once they’re calm, you can talk about how to express their emotions differently, you can bring in consequences (it’s ok to feel anxious about going back to school, but it’s not ok to refuse to get in the car in the morning).

One more thing to remember: when you’re dealing with your kid’s mental health, always reach out for more help! Ask the school counselor or talk to a family therapist. 

Anxiety, Deconstruction, Faith, Self-doubt

What does over-moralizing feeling like? (scrupulosity)

I remember growing up in the church having this idea that every decision I made was a path toward sin or righteousness. Even the clothes I wore were seen as bad or good. A value statement was put on what movies I watched (I’m talking like Disney movies, not X rated), we had to be careful about what we wore and what slang words we used (oh my gosh was too close to oh my god). I started to view my life like I was preparing for judgement. Whether before God or before the people around me- my community, my leaders. It was all about my performance, the choices I made were a sign of whether I was devoted enough my christianity.

I think this is a common experience in the modern church. The message you receive is that your choices and your behavior prove whether I belong (more on belonging in the church later…). This over-scrupulousness is what can attach itself to us, even after we’ve moved out of that kind of religious culture. It can feel like there is one narrow path you must walk down to be “enough” or to be “good enough.”

Our past religious experiences teaches us to submit to a moral and virtuous life. As I have walked with clients through these experiences, I see there is so much value in letting your life be guided by a moral code and by the love of a higher power. I think it can lead to growth and health and a love for your God. It’s also is an important part of your story and identity.

But I have also seen people deeply wounded by the church of their past. Sometimes the church can engulf our sense of self and holds us to an impossible standard in order to belong.

Many of my clients process this kind of inner conflict. In therapy we work on letting go of legalism and self-criticism, and holding on to those beliefs that bring hope and healing. It’s a necessary step in taking ownership of our faith as adults.

I talk more about deconstructing your faith and how to handle doubt here.

Written by Morgan Myers, LPC

A little about me… I help people who feel boxed in by self-doubt, criticism and the expectations of others. Some people come to me burned out and wanting to understand where they went wrong. Some come in to process their past pain from church and religion- rejection, dark night of the soul, legalism, or doubt in God. It can be so difficult to even know what we need, let alone asking for those needs to be met. Many of my clients are trying to cope with depression or stress from this season of life. Sometimes we work on healing their past pain so they can grow and move on. More about me here.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-doubt

3 Ways to release the self-doubt that holds you back

1. Self-doubt=fear- Let go of fear by naming it for what it is.

And no one ever made a good decision out of fear.

It’s easy to let our lives take the shape of whatever we’re reacting to, whatever we’re retreating from. Like being afraid to take a risk in a relationship and feeling more isolated, afraid to speak up for what you believe and let the conversation continue while you’re feeling more and more unconfortable. Being led by fear inevitably leads you down path you never intended to go down. If you want to change course, you have to release your fear first. This looks like naming it. “I’m afraid to be vulnerable with my husband because he may reject me.” “I’m afraid to say what I think about social justice because I’ll be labeled as liberal or judgmental.” Sometimes just naming your fears to yourself can be freeing.

2. Disobey that voice inside that says you “should _________”

In an effort to grow or change, we cut ourselves off at the knees and box ourselves in. One little life-hack I like to do is disobey that little voice. We all have the subconscious rules for ourselves- we can only speak for so long in conversations, we can’t disagree with someone, we aren’t the kind of person who speaks up for what we need. This can really begin to box you in. Try to disobey these rules sometimes and see how it feels! If your self-doubt keeps you from speaking up, try disobeying it. If you have a rule about how much you speak in a conversation, go on talking!

3. Know the difference between fear and wisdom.

Fear overgeneralizes, projects into the future (when we actually have no idea what the future holds), fear has a negative bias about the possibilities and our capabilities. Wisdom sounds like cautious consideration and openness. Wisdom does it’s due diligence but is willing to take risks. Wisdom is usually found by asking around, doing research, AND trusting your gut.Does this make sense? Does this hit home?

A little about me:

A little about me… I help women who feel boxed in by self-doubt, criticism and the expectations of others. Some women come to me burned out and wanting to understand where they went wrong. Sometimes women come in to process their past pain from church and religion- rejection, dark night of the soul, legalism, or doubt in God. It can be so difficult to even know what we need, let alone asking for those needs to be met. Many of my clients are trying to cope with depression or stress from this season of life. Sometimes we work on healing their past pain so they can grow and move on. More about me here.

I walk along side you through the pain and self-awareness into a happier more hopeful life.

I also have a side-project called Motherlift. I founded it alongside my Doula sister- Macy Morrow. Motherlift is an educational platform for mothers in every stage of motherhood. We help women from pregnancy through parenting cope with all the changes, chaos, and challenges that come with the role of motherhood. It’s a total blast! Check it out here.

Parenting, postpartum, Self-Care

3 Things to Remember as Your Kids Get Back to School

By Morgan Myers, LPC therapist to burned out mamas (read more about Morgan here)

1. Your kids are as anxious as you are!

We’re all anxious as we think about the risks of returning to school during a pandemic! The visual of walking up to your kids school, everyone in a mask, no one social distancing, germs, and coughing and all of it! It’s overwhelming! Your kids are taking in all of that too. They are processing the fact that they haven’t been in a classroom for 6 months. We all know what our anxiety feels and looks like. Kid’s anxiety can look like:

  • Whining and complaining
  • Fixating on the plan and the variables
  • Wanting to escape
  • Getting aggressive
  • Extra tired
  • Overly emotional
  • Bigger fits and meltdowns

2. Your kids NEED socialization

Whether you’ve decided to send your kids back in person or keeping them home until the risk lessens, we’re all having to juggle all of our kid’s needs. Obviously their physical health is really important, but consider their emotional health and social development. In case you’re feeling guilty about planning play dates, or getting them back in school, they will benefit from being with other kids. Their brains need to be reminded about social skills, self-control in the classroom, not being bossy (speaking from experience!), learning competence, etc etc. So as their parent, remember not to leave out this aspect of their little bodies and brains! It’s easy to focus on the physical risks, but there are benefits to being around other kids too!

3. In light of all of this above, be kind to your self and show your kids some grace.

We’re all taking in A LOT of change right now! Our lives are almost unrecognizable from what it was this time last year. So show yourself some grace, and when your kid is balling on the floor, or whining for another snack, or trying to control the outcome of everything, give them some grace too. This is how kids respond to situations out of their control (and I would guess its the way we respond to situations out of our control too).

For more on parenting and motherhood, check out my side project @Motherlift on instagram.

Parenting, Self-Care, Uncategorized

5 Tips for Talking to Your Child about their Differences

You (& your child) get to decide how and when to share your child’s diagnosis and details related to their functioning with people even when they ask. Being curious doesn’t entitle someone to an answer. It can be helpful to have a planned response for such times, such as: “ Thanks for being concerned/interested in (child’s name). We choose not to discuss that with you right now.” 

1. Have an “elevator pitch answer” ready to go.

Sometimes people will ask about your child’s difference and you may want a quick way to explain it. Think of this like the elevator pitch that salespeople learn. They have a speech where they can pitch their product in the time it takes the elevator to get them to their floor. I have Cerebral Palsy and my elevator speech to a curious adult is, “Thanks for asking. My diagnosis is Cerebral Palsy. It is a neurological problem caused by premature birth and it affects my balance and the tightness of the muscles in my legs.” I also explain this to kids a lot, in the playroom at work and in public places like the grocery store. I usually say something like this, “ You’re really paying attention! You noticed that I walk differently from other people. I have Cerebral Palsy, that means that my brain which is like a big computer has a little difference. Instead of telling my muscles to work like most people’s do, my brain tells my muscles to be tight all the time and my body is always a little off balance.”

2. Look to your child to see how much is appropriate to share.

If your child is able, discuss with them how and when they want to discuss their difference with friends, classmates, etc. If they are unable to communicate verbally, pay attention to the ways they do communicate with you to gauge their awareness and level of comfort with these conversations and adjust accordingly. 

3. Sometimes it’s helpful to officially share about your child’s differences

For some families, it feels most helpful to have the child address their class at the beginning of the school year and explain their difference so that they can have some more control over how their difference is understood. 

4. This isn’t the end all be all, you can adjust the way you communicate at each developmental stage.

These conversations will need to be tweaked over time as your child grows both developmentally and socially. Sometimes different people or situations will require different conversations. Be willing to shape and change your explanations, as it feels right to you, your child and your family. Trust yourself and your child when navigating these situations. Also, be patient with yourself and your child. These conversations may bring up difficult feelings or painful interactions. 

5. Remember to prioritize self-care!

Having conversations where you or your kid explain their difference can be difficult but even when they are good conversations they can still leave you feeling depleted. Self-care is important. This could be journaling, going for a run or making time to talk to trusted friends. Your child also needs self-care during this time. It can be time alone doing a favorite activity  or  engaging with family or friends to play or talk through their feelings. 

Book an appointment with Kate Miller, LPC