Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I don’t want to be selfish

There are some households where everything revolves around one person.
 
Maybe a family member is chronically ill, addicted to substances, or just has a tendency to run the whole show. In any case, what you learn from a young age is to always focus on someone else. Stay small. Don’t rock the boat. Make sure everyone is happy.
 
And sometimes focusing entirely on someone else feels good at first. Self-sacrifice is often celebrated as one of the ultimate acts of love or altruism. People may even compliment your selflessness. But over time, it drains you. Exhaustion, depression, and burnout can set in. You find yourself beginning to crave things like time, space, sleep, and support.
 
But if you take that step and reach out for what refuels you, suddenly the guilt sets in. You may wonder, “Am I selfish?”  Tuning in to your own needs or harder yet – standing up for those needs, is, after all, making it about you, right?
 
When you’re used to ignoring what you need and how you feel, it makes sense that taking care of yourself feels unnatural. Thankfully, self-care and selfishness aren’t the same thing – though at first it may be difficult to tell the two apart. Selfishness means thinking only of yourself to the exclusion of others, or even to their detriment. Selfishness says, “I’m better than everyone else!”
Self-worth says, “I’m equal to others.” It involves respecting yourself as a human being, recognizing your limits, and honoring your boundaries. Self-worth recognizes that it’s okay to take breaks, get a bite to eat, and say no when you need to. In the same way, it honors and respects the needs and boundaries of others.
 
Of course, sometimes your needs will conflict with someone else’s. Self-worth acknowledges that everyone’s needs matter, including yours, and seeks to make a compromise. That may mean choosing to sacrifice some of your needs at times to prioritize someone else’s – but that’s just the thing. It’s a choice, not an obligation. Choosing to sacrifice your rights isn’t the same as believing you don’t have any. And self-worth also allows others to make the same choice to prioritize your needs over theirs sometimes.
 
How do you figure out what rights you have?  Check out this list of personal rights and see what stands out to you. Which ones are easiest for you to claim? Which are the hardest? Keeping the list on hand or posting it on your fridge or mirror can help remind you what healthy self-worth looks like.
 
Check out this “Personal Bill of Rights” handout: https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Stacey

Silver Lining

It sounds good…” just look for the silver lining in that dark cloud”, “think happy thoughts”.

We as a culture are slowly surfacing from this well of toxic positivity, we are finding freedom within the dark places.
 
Freedom meaning: the freedom to feel, not free from our present issue or the Mount Everest hovering over us. Finding relationships which allow expression of our gut feelings and emotions, sitting with ourselves and with others in spaces that are mentally draining and uncomfortable, this is where we find our true selves.  This is where we notice emotional growth.
 
Toxic positivity eliminates what we need most during a difficult time: validation, acceptance, and empathy. Toxic positivity is the easy way out to brush past one’s current state, toxic positivity is selfish, and it is unnatural.

I often wonder how certain people sit in their own dark spaces with all the silver linings swirling around them.

Never worked for me, in fact someone pointing out positives usually creates a state of anger and distrust in that person. I want to surround myself with people who will withstand the storm with me, no matter how long that storm may last.