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Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

i blame myself for everything

To some degree, self-blame is normal.

Most people wrestle with self-blame from time to time, especially when under high stress. Sometimes the self-blame is warranted, sometimes it isn’t. But when you struggle with chronic self-blame, it’s as if everything (including the actions, feelings, and motivations of other people) automatically gets categorized as “my responsibility” and therefore, “my fault.” The constant self-blame can feel like you’re always carrying around a tremendous weight, or under a crushing load of pressure. When you believe it’s your job to control everything, you easily end up feeling overwhelmed and out of control on a regular basis.

Chronic self-blame can arise for a lot of different reasons. For some people, it was regularly modeled by others in their lives, so they naturally picked up the habit. For others, self-blame may be learned through social, cultural, or religious circles where it gets equated with politeness or humility. However, in some cases, chronic self-blame can also stem from trauma and/or childhood attachment wounds.

In his book “Trauma Model Therapy,” Dr. Colin Ross refers to something called “the locus of control shift,” which happens specifically with trauma survivors who struggle with severe self-blame. Locus of control is a fancy term that essentially means “the location of control.”  An internal locus of control assigns control to “me” or to what’s inside/the self. An external locus of control assigns control to what is outside of “me,” such as other people or the environment.

Young kids naturally start out with a strong internal locus of control. Until their brains become more fully developed, they assume that everything centers around them and they control it all. This isn’t bad or narcissistic, it’s just a natural part of the developmental process. As they grow older, their internal locus of control starts to balance out more with an external locus of control. They learn that they can control some things (internal locus), but not everything (external locus). They have an easier time understanding many different perspectives at once, and noticing multiple factors beyond them that can influence a situation.

The problem is, when young kids grow up in unsafe environments with unsafe relationships – such as households where abuse, neglect, addiction, or severe mental illness are present – they end up having to face a situation where the very people they need in order to survive are also the same people who frighten or harm them. This can create so much inner conflict for a young child, and so much constant loss of control, that the internal locus of control gets overused as a survival mechanism.

Rather than face intense and constant feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, they learn to adapt by thinking, “What’s happening is my fault.” Claiming the blame automatically gives a sense of perceived control. For example, assuming, “I’m a bad kid, but if I try to be a good kid, I won’t get hurt anymore,” feels far less hopeless than, “I can’t trust these people and I’m in danger, but I’m trapped here because I’m only 6 years old.”

Kids who learn to adapt this way effectively ward off some of the intense emotions they aren’t equipped to handle yet on their own. The internal locus of control keeps them moving forward. However, later on in life, without much external locus of control to balance it out, they can go on to assume the blame for everything even when relationships and circumstances have changed. The internal locus of control gets overgeneralized. This can lead to a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, missing red flags, lacking boundaries, people-pleasing, feeling trapped, and feelings of shame and worthlessness.

The good news is, it’s never too late to begin balancing out an internal locus of control that’s become too strong. Part of trauma counseling involves shifting this perspective. In therapy, you can begin to better understand how your survival mechanisms benefitted you, and in what areas they may hold you back in the present. You can begin to safely explore where to let go of self-blame and embrace self-compassion instead. This is a process that can involve feeling anger and grief for the first time, but working through it often brings a tremendous sense of relief and freedom from shame. Self-blame at last gives way to a healthy and balanced sense of self-acceptance.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is the point of therapy?

The point, my friend – is to become a friend to yourself.

You come in with pain, right? All sorts of aches and pains, nervous systems screaming at you; sleepless nights, or detached days, where nothing really feels alive anymore, and you wonder: is this what living is supposed to be? You compare your insides to others’ outsides, and you think, I’m a freak, I’m a loser, I’m a weirdo. You feel alone, like no one else seems to have these feelings, these problems. You feel compulsive, apathetic, insecure, enraged at traffic, or you shout expletives at your spouse, AGAIN, and you’re just… tired.

We get lots of tired people in therapy.

Because everyone’s tired. The human condition is tiring. Interpersonal neurobiology tells us that the brain is wired to detect threats. Something bad happens and we’re wired to, at least, attempt to save ourselves from it happening again. So we attempt, and attempt, and attempt, until all that energy poured into attempting becomes a black hole. We sink down into it. It rends us limb from limb, into oblivion.

Interpersonal neurobiology also tells us about social baseline theory: Humans “find it easier and less energetically taxing to regulate emotion and act when in proximity to familiar and predictable others.” 1 In short, this exhaustion, this black hole collapsing on us- becomes less taxing simply by having a relationship at our side.  So we get to therapy, we cultivate a relationship with a stable other, and then the exhaustion lightens
up. Just enough so we can take a good look at it.

And once we look at it, we become the stable other to the exhaustion itself. We befriend it. We learn to love it. And behind that exhaustion, is the fear of pain. So what do we do next? We befriend the fear of pain. That fear wants to spare us, doesn’t it? But it does so in ineffective ways. So we learn to love the fear as we would a small, panicked child.  We calmly and lovingly accept and soothe that child.

And then what next? With the fear soothed, we are calm enough take a square look at our pain, and… learn to love the pain. The pain is initially blinding, and we’re afraid it’ll sear us, but we take one breath, and then two, and we discover that our pain is far more intricate, far more complex, brilliant and… alive than we imagined. It’s a force of nature inside of us. The pain brings messages to us. It teaches us what we love, what we care about most. It tells us what we value. To encounter the pain, with the calming presence of a stable other, with the tools we’ve learned in therapy at our side, that actually …brings us to life.

And then the thing that felt impossible actually happens: we encounter our joy. The joy that is our birthright. The joy that’s just as much a part of the human condition, but ever so much quieter. The joy that is free. The joy that is intertwined with pain and grief, but also with delight, vitality, passion, and realness. The joy that leads to honest, resilient, courageous and interconnected living.

So to befriend ourselves, in all our pain and our joy. In a nutshell – I think that’s the point of therapy.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

direct therapy

There are different kinds of help we all need.

Sometimes, we need the help of being listened to, being understood, being heard, being in a space with someone who will hold us in our pain and give us room to find our own way through the process. There are other times where we need someone who will actively engage us – maybe question us
in ways we’ve never considered, or challenge us when we feel stagnant, or acknowledge something in us we’re not aware of and bring it to light. What kind of support are you looking for?

Therapists can provide both kinds, and often, they go hand in hand. But some therapists tend to be more direct and active in helping you make change, and some therapists tend to be more indirect – trusting your change to unfold without needing to directly form it.

What’s important for you as the client is to become aware of what you’re needing in session. If you’ve been with a therapist for two years, two weeks, or two minutes – know a good therapist will care about what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to directly address your therapist regarding how they are helping you. Are you looking for more engagement from your therapist? More direction? Do you need some concrete help along your pathway of growth? Or are you feeling afraid of input and need the space to find what you experience with an affirming presence ? Maybe you wonder if it’s possible for your therapist to sit back and observe together where your own intuition and exploration takes you.

With a good therapist, there’s always, always, always an open invitation for you to express your desires for what kind of therapeutic relationship you’re wanting. Take ownership of your therapy and ask for what you need! A good therapist will encounter your desires with openness, receptivity, and a willingness to help you gain the support you’re looking for.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
About, Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

benefits of acceptance and commitment therapy

CBT is probably the type of therapy you’ve heard the most about. It’s the one that has been researched the most so doctors recommend it. And it is really affective! It helps people change their behaviors by changing the way they think.

Our very own Stacey Shoemaker uses this approach in her therapy with kids, teens and adults. Check out her method here!  I have recently been on a journey to learn more about a new (to me) approach to therapy. If you are a client, you’ve heard me beat this drum every session! 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is just as affective at helping clients see change in their lives.

But what I love about it is it considers a persons deepest motivations and how to create a more meaningful life (not just more happiness). It’s a joy to see clients move toward a set of values that they can see in their day to day life. Sometimes therapy can feel ethereal and all in your head. ACT therapy makes it a bit more concrete so that you can see change in your life. But it also helps with those thoughts and beliefs that block you from getting to where you want to go. 

Here are a couple books I love that use ACT:

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris Get it here!

The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris Get it here!

Then if you want to read a bit more about it, see below:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are both evidence-based approaches to psychotherapy, and their efficacy often depends on the condition being treated, the individual’s preferences, and the context in which the therapy is delivered. Below is a comparison based on existing research:

 Efficacy of CBT

-Strengths: CBT is highly effective for treating anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mood-related conditions. It is also well-supported in treating eating disorders and substance use disorders.

– Mechanism: CBT focuses on identifying and modifying maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. It helps individuals recognize unhealthy thought patterns and develop healthier, more constructive thinking patterns.

– Evidence: CBT has a robust evidence base from decades of clinical trials and is often considered the “gold standard” for many mental health conditions.

Efficacy of ACT

– Strengths: ACT is particularly effective for chronic pain, stress, burnout, and conditions involving emotional avoidance or psychological flexibility, such as PTSD and some forms of depression and anxiety. It is also used effectively in workplace wellness and in addressing general quality-of-life issues.

– Mechanism: ACT focuses on increasing psychological flexibility by helping individuals accept their internal experiences, commit to values-based actions, and not being controlled by limiting beliefs.

– Evidence: ACT has a growing evidence base and is considered equally effective as CBT for many conditions, such as anxiety and depression, according to several meta-analyses. It often excels in helping individuals with issues related to meaning and values.

Key Differences in Approach

– Focus on Change vs. Acceptance: CBT emphasizes changing negative thought patterns, while ACT emphasizes accepting them and focusing on values-driven behavior.

– Skills Development: CBT often involves more structured skills training, while ACT encourages experiential and mindfulness-based processes.

Comparison in Research

– Equally Effective for Many Conditions: For depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders, meta-analyses suggest that ACT and CBT are equally effective.

– ACT’s Strength in Comorbid and Chronic Conditions: ACT is sometimes preferred for conditions involving comorbidities, chronic pain, or when fostering psychological flexibility is a priority.

– Long-Term Outcomes: Some studies suggest ACT may lead to more sustained changes in psychological flexibility over time, whereas CBT may have slightly faster symptom reduction initially.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

trapped in an anxiety loop

Anxiety is a powerful word that describes a wide range of behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

When it’s working for us, anxiety is a great tool that helps us get things done and manage future outcomes. A little touch of anxiety can get us going on an important deadline, muster the courage to have a difficult conversation or manage a full schedule. Turn up the volume a little bit and anxiety will get us through an emergency injury for one of our children, engage in a conflict we didn’t expect, or resist injustices in our society, school, or workplace. But turn up the volume even more and anxiety quickly turns from helping us control outcomes to quickly controlling us.

Many of us get stuck in that high volume setting, due to distressing events that asked the managerial part of our brains to keep going, and keep going, and keep going… and suddenly the noise of anxiety became so loud we found ourselves unable to do anything else. It’s as if our brain and body are in overdrive and we can no longer access anything but this accelerated state. Often, even noticing this induces more distress – and then we’re applying more control and rigidity to reduce these painful feelings… which leads to even more anxiety! Signs of this can include being unable to sleep well, an inability to focus, racing heart, a sense of hyperactivity, or panic attacks.

When you feel trapped in an anxious loop, it is useful to ground yourself in your body and remind yourself that anxiety is a tool for managing the future…. Not the present. Ask yourself: what needs attention right now? Likely the answer to that is you. Take a moment to pay attention to yourself. What signs are showing you that you’re in overdrive? Can you compassionately witness your anxiety and look at it with loving eyes? What do you see? Listen to your mind and your body for a moment – what do you need in this very moment?

Even with these questions, it can be hard to calm down during this cognitive practice of self-compassion. So we turn toward the body: using grounding and breathing techniques we can invite a sense of physical calm:

1) Notice you’re anxious. Acknowledge the anxiety, just that it’s there. No need to fix it.

2) Notice the room around you, your environment, what colors, shapes, textures there are, and describe them to yourself. Notice your body and how it feels – what your hands feel like, what your feet feel like, what your back and shoulders and face feel like.

3) Notice your breath and use it as a tool to calm your nervous system. When you intentionally slow your breathing, taking a longer exhale than inhale, your brain sees that as a cue to send out safety signals to your body and engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of us that calms down). Try to breathe in for four and out for six. Do this several times slowly until it feels more natural and calming.

4) Get back into the present with some sort of activity that requires no analysis. Listening to music, dancing, going for a walk, taking a bath, spending time with a pet are all good examples.

Anxiety is a helpful emotion, and it tells us something external needs our attention. But too much anxiety robs of the opportunity to be present with ourselves as it insists on external action instead of internal presence. Gently thank your anxiety for being there for you, but get back in charge by allowing yourself to compassionately connect with the present moment.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

your holiday recovery plan

Finding yourself struggling after the holidays is a tough spot to be in.

There’s work or school to jump back into, but you might feel like no matter how hard you push, you can’t motivate yourself to move.

Maybe you’ve tried a lot of different tactics for eliminating stress during the holiday season. You cut back on events, budget for gifts, and prioritize time with the people you enjoy, but somehow you still feel overwhelmed. You may even plan a fun vacation, but as soon as you get back, you feel exhausted.
 
Managing stress over the holidays is important, but sometimes no matter what you do, it’s still going to take a toll – and that’s okay! Instead of pressuring yourself to come up with the perfect stress-free holiday season, it may help to take a gentler approach. Anticipate that it may be draining at times, and try building your own recovery plan to help you bounce back from it.
 
Here’s a template you can adjust to suit your needs:
1.      What will help me take time to recover?
·         Get home a day or two earlier than usual.
·         Say no to last-minute events.
·         Block off some free time in my schedule in advance.
·         Reframe rest as a necessary recharge instead of “lazy.”
·         Get family in on the recovery plan too.
 
2.      What can help my body slow down?
·         Take a walk
·         Spend some time in nature
·         Go to the park
·         Gardening
·         Gentle exercise
·         Go to bed early
·         Sleep in
·         Schedule a stay-at-home day
·         Plan some easy meals
·         Listen to soothing music or sounds, ex: rain, ocean waves, classical music, chillhop/lofi
·         Practice deep breathing
 
3.      What can help my mind catch up?
·         Reflect on what the holidays were like
·         Take inventory of what you need
·         Journal
·         Talk to a friend
·         Reflect on the past year
·         Express through creativity, ex: painting, drawing, music
·         Practice mindfulness, ex: yoga, meditation, grounding
·         Allow your mind to disengage for a bit, ex: watch a movie, read
 
4.      What can help me feel ready for routine again?
·         Plan a day for rest and a day to prepare
·         Jot down future goals
·         Make a to-do list
·         Talk to others for ideas, support, or accountability
·         Complete some easy tasks for a quick sense of accomplishment
·         Ease back in
Just like managing stress during the holiday season, your recovery plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Give yourself permission to experiment and tweak your plan when needed. Keep it flexible. Also keep in mind that recharging looks different for everybody – some people need a couple hours of alone time in a quiet space, others need time to vent or decompress with friends. Your plan doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else’s. Do what works best for you.
 
If you feel unmotivated to get back into the routine, that’s okay too! Whether you didn’t get to do everything you wanted over the holidays, transitions in general are hard for you, or you had such a great experience you don’t want it to end yet, give yourself some space to feel what you feel. A recovery plan is about giving yourself the time and resources you need to adjust. And that adjustment is allowed to look messy! You may find it much more sustainable in the long run than jumping from one busy season straight into the next.
 
If you find that the holidays brought up far more emotions than you expected, or you’re still having trouble managing your motivation, consider reaching out for support. A therapist can help you discover more tools for recovery.  
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

holiday guilt

With so many joyful songs and celebratory events, there can come the unspoken expectation that the holidays should be full of cheer.

But what if you just don’t feel happy?

Sometimes the holidays are complicated. Being far away from home, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing a past relationship or phase of life, and difficult family interactions are just a handful of the kinds of circumstances that can contribute to the holiday blues. Then guilt over not feeling happy enough adds to the pile of uncomfortable emotions.
 
It can be tempting to try to push all the unwanted emotions away, but sometimes that can backfire. Tears come out of nowhere, you snap at someone unintentionally, or you start feeling cranky and wonder if you’re turning into a grinch.
 
It can help to reduce the pressure on yourself: let your feelings come and go naturally. The holiday season doesn’t have to come with a rule that everyone must feel happy at all times. When you’re no longer spending so much energy on trying to push the feelings away, that gives your body more energy to process them and begin to transition into a different mindset. It’s a bit of a paradox, but letting yourself feel the difficult emotions for a little while can actually bring the happy, calm, and peaceful emotions back online too.
 
On the flip side, maybe you’re going through a lot and feel guilty for enjoying yourself at all over the holidays. Sometimes feelings of happiness are jarring when they come in the middle of a season of grief or chronic stress – but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Moments of happiness can give you a brief break and the fuel you need to weather the next wave.
 
It’s common to feel mixed emotions, or to go back and forth between feeling cheerful and upbeat, to feeling down and depleted, especially over a season that is filled with so many plans, social engagements, and changes in routine. All emotions cycle through. That’s normal. And all are natural, even over the holidays.
 
No matter where you find yourself emotionally this holiday season, practice allowing yourself to accept what you’re experiencing without putting the pressure on yourself to feel something you don’t yet. Give yourself time, take breaks when you feel overwhelmed, and reach out for support when you need to. Sometimes reducing the pressure is all that’s needed for a shift to take place.
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Deconstruction, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

resilience during times of adversity

Many families encounter various trials and hardships, some more than others.

During difficult times , each family member’s experience is unique and becomes and integral part of their life narrative.
  • Relocating/New school
  • Traumatic event
  • Changing of parental roles
  • Divorce
  • Terminal illness
  • Financial stress
  • Death of a loved one
  • Mental illness in parent/sibling

Resilience has been described as the ability to successfully adapt and overcome extremely adverse life experiences (Happer, Brown, & Sharma-Patel, 2017). Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes and does not have to be extreme to make an imprint. The individual, their families, and their social environment all play an important role in the development and nurturing of resilience. In addition, each person’s individual genetic makeup dictates how one reacts and navigates through adversity.

Recognizing opportunities to foster resilience within your child or adolescent plays an important role in parenting. Allowing your child the freedom to make mistakes enables them to rely on their inner strength and tenacity- which promotes independence. Children that possess a healthy sense
of control within normal limits and protective measures in place can flourish in this type of environment.

As parents, we can help shape our child’s negative experiences into lifetime lessons. Children are resilient by nature yet at the same time are deeply impacted by positive and negative factors which exist within their upbringing.

Consider these characteristics found in resilience:

  • Possessing a sense of purpose
  • The ability to set and maintain goals
  • Perseverance
  • Self-motivation

What life experiences has your family endured? Where did you notice resilience within yourself?  What characteristics of resilience do you see within your child/adolescent?

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt

are you living in fear?

Are you living in fear? Transforming Fear into Confidence

1. Self-Doubt = Fear

Fear can really mess with our decision-making, often pushing us away from what we truly want. When we let fear drive our choices, we end up reacting to it rather than moving forward intentionally. For instance, you might avoid being open with your partner because you’re scared of getting hurt, or you might hold back your opinions on social issues because you’re afraid of being judged.

Research supports that acknowledging your fears can help reduce their power. For example, a study published in the *Journal of Anxiety, Stress & Coping* found that naming and confronting fears can significantly decrease their intensity and improve emotional resilience (Roemer & Orsillo, 2009). By naming your fears—like saying, “I’m scared of being vulnerable because I might be rejected,” or “I worry that sharing my views on social justice will make me seem judgmental”—it can make them feel less overwhelming and more manageable.

2. Challenge the Inner Critic: Disobeying Limiting Beliefs**

We all have that little voice inside that tells us what we “should” do or not do, often limiting our potential. This inner critic might say things like, “You shouldn’t speak up in meetings,” or “You should keep your opinions to yourself.” Following these rules can really box us in and keep us from growing.

Research suggests that these self-imposed limits can increase anxiety and reduce self-efficacy. The *Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry* highlights that strict self-restrictions often contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety (Hofmann et al., 2012). To break free, try ignoring that inner critic every now and then. If you feel you “shouldn’t” share your thoughts, go ahead and speak up anyway. By challenging these internal restrictions, you can boost your confidence and feel more empowered.

3. Distinguish Between Fear and Wisdom: Making Informed Decisions**

It’s important to tell the difference between fear and wisdom when making decisions. Fear often makes things seem worse than they are, projecting negative outcomes into the future and distorting reality. On the other hand, wisdom involves careful thinking, being open to new information, and taking risks wisely.

Studies have shown that wisdom involves evaluating risks realistically and combining cognitive and emotional insights for better decision-making. Research published in the *Journal of Decision Making* emphasizes that wisdom includes gathering information, consulting others, and trusting your instincts (Schaie & Willis, 2018). By focusing on wisdom rather than fear, you’ll be able to make decisions that are both thoughtful and confident.

In short, overcoming self-doubt means facing your fears head-on, challenging the rules you set for yourself, and choosing wisdom over fear. By doing these things, you’ll find yourself making more confident, deliberate choices in your life.

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

should i go no contact with family?

You don’t get to choose your family, so it’s natural that you may not get along with every single member.

Each family comes with its own set of struggles, and for some families that means members with toxic ways of relating to others. Interacting with them can be tiring at best. At worst, these relationships can threaten to completely overwhelm you.

Social media can sometimes promote a “no-negativity” approach that urges cutting off the relationships that don’t work for you. As simple as this solution may sound, it isn’t always that easy.
Every situation is unique, and you may find that totally cutting off contact with family isn’t the answer for you – but neither is continuing in the same hurtful patterns of relating with them.
 
Deciding what to do when you’re dealing with a complex family situation is rarely simple, so it’s totally okay if you need time to carefully weigh the available options. Here are just a few to consider:
 

Boundaries

 
Setting boundaries with family means clearly and calmly communicating how they can best connect with you. Boundaries are essentially requests. If the other person refuses those requests, have a plan for what to do to protect yourself.
 
For example, that may mean letting the other person know you’re open to communicating only if there’s no name-calling or shouting involved. If they continue to do so, let them know you have to leave and can continue the conversation when tempers have cooled.
 
If family members agree to meet you halfway or show respect for your boundaries, let them know how much you appreciate them. Foster the kind of connection you wish to have with them.
 

Distance

 
Boundaries can take time for family members to warm up to. It’s natural if you experience some pushback at first. But there may also be some relationships where no matter how many boundaries you set, the other person will keep barreling through them. Or worse, they may see the boundaries as a challenge and intensify their efforts to bait you into unproductive conflicts.
 
In those situations, getting some distance may be the more realistic option. It’s okay to call or text less. Keep interactions short. Instead of visiting for a whole week, stay for only two or three days. Distance can help provide time to recover and prepare for your next interaction.
 
Getting more distance in the relationship can also help when cutting off one family member would mean losing many other relationships that you’re not wanting to give up.
 

Temporary Separation

 
Perhaps the options above didn’t work and you’re reaching a point where you have to try something different. Or perhaps your family has changed for the better over time, but every time you’re around them, you experience very intense emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks or depression. If breaking off contact with family would bring more pain and trouble than it’s worth, consider taking a short break from them instead.
 
Get some time to heal first. You may need to work through past hurts or grieve the relationship you wish you had with them before you can reach a point of acceptance. Or you may simply need more time to recover between interactions in order to still function from day to day. Cutting off communication can help, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.
 

No-Contact

 
Sometimes no matter what you do to try to change the pattern, it’s simply too dangerous to keep the relationship going. Some family situations are too unpredictable, hostile, and damaging to warrant putting yourself in harm’s way. You may also be worried about family interactions compromising the safety of your loved ones, such as your partner or kids. Going no-contact may be what’s necessary to protect yourself and to keep from enabling the toxic behaviors of others.
 
When you cut off all contact with family, you may experience instant relief. It’s also natural to go through grief and strong feelings of guilt too – that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
 
There are many different reasons why people may decide that going no-contact is the safest course of action. There are also all sorts of reasons – financial, religious, cultural, etc. – why people may choose to remain in contact with family members who consistently demonstrate harmful behaviors.
 
No matter what you choose to do, finding support either from other family members or friends is crucial. All the different options come with their own benefits and downsides, and it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of unease or self-doubt regardless of the decision you make.  
 
If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a tough family relationship and would like some additional support, consider scheduling an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com. Sometimes having an outside perspective can bring some much-needed clarity. We’d love to help!
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

why can’t i remember what happened?

Sometimes after you’ve been through trauma, you might find it difficult to recall what took place.

Maybe you remember fragments or flashes of it, but none of it feels connected or in order. It’s like someone picked up a bunch of puzzle pieces and scattered them all over the room – everything is out of sorts. Even when you do get an image, feeling, or sensation connected to what happened, it’s hard to put the story into words.

Sometimes it isn’t just the details that go missing – it’s whole gaps of time. For example, you may have trouble remembering anything at all from before the age of 10. Or all of grade 4 is somehow missing in your memory even though you can still recall grades 3 and 5. A gap doesn’t always mean trauma occurred, but for some people, memories of trauma get blocked out. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your brain isn’t broken. In fact, it was doing exactly its job when the trauma occurred.

When all is well, our brains encode the memories most important to our survival in ways that allow us to recount the memory in words and in chronological order. We can make sense and meaning out of our memories. But when trauma occurs, memory doesn’t get encoded the same way.

This is because the parts of our brain (such as the amygdala), that deal with threat are prioritized and kicked into high gear. Our body and brains go into an automatic response mode. Just like when you touch a hot surface and instantly pull your hand back – you don’t have to think about how to respond, because your body’s automatic functions take over.

What that means, though, is that during a traumatic experience, the parts of the brain (such as the frontal lobe), that deal with planning and analyzing go offline. And the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that helps with memory and time sequencing, also gets impaired in the moment. Your body becomes fully focused on survival instead.

Missing some details and memories after trauma is natural. However, when you can’t remember precisely what happened, and you find yourself experiencing intense emotions and reactions to triggers, it can be tempting to dismiss what you’re going through as irrational just because you don’t have an orderly, chronological story of what happened to connect everything to.

Sometimes people get caught up trying to do a memory hunt. But memory, even when encoded normally, is often imperfect. Especially when it comes to trauma, diving into the details and memories of what happened doesn’t always help, and it doesn’t always validate as much as we think it will. More often, it tends to confuse and overwhelm us instead.

If you’re missing memories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be lost forever. Sometimes old memories you haven’t thought of in forever come back when something in the environment triggers the memory – like revisiting a place from childhood, or seeing an old friend again after many years apart. Memories can come back naturally without you having to search for them.

Sometimes memories don’t come back, and that’s okay too. It can be frustrating not being able to recall a piece of your history, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from beginning to recover. The good news is, you don’t have to remember everything perfectly in order to heal from trauma.

Trauma therapy isn’t about digging up every detail from the past. It’s not about putting you on trial to assess whether or not what you went through matters. Trauma therapy is about processing the emotions related to the trauma, making them more manageable, and learning how to feel safe in the present moment. It involves beginning to find and create meaning again, regardless of what you do or don’t remember.

For more on how trauma impacts the body and brain, check out Bessel van der Kolk’s book, “The Body Keeps the Score.”
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

 I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.
 

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
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