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Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

holiday guilt

With so many joyful songs and celebratory events, there can come the unspoken expectation that the holidays should be full of cheer.

But what if you just don’t feel happy?

Sometimes the holidays are complicated. Being far away from home, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing a past relationship or phase of life, and difficult family interactions are just a handful of the kinds of circumstances that can contribute to the holiday blues. Then guilt over not feeling happy enough adds to the pile of uncomfortable emotions.
 
It can be tempting to try to push all the unwanted emotions away, but sometimes that can backfire. Tears come out of nowhere, you snap at someone unintentionally, or you start feeling cranky and wonder if you’re turning into a grinch.
 
It can help to reduce the pressure on yourself: let your feelings come and go naturally. The holiday season doesn’t have to come with a rule that everyone must feel happy at all times. When you’re no longer spending so much energy on trying to push the feelings away, that gives your body more energy to process them and begin to transition into a different mindset. It’s a bit of a paradox, but letting yourself feel the difficult emotions for a little while can actually bring the happy, calm, and peaceful emotions back online too.
 
On the flip side, maybe you’re going through a lot and feel guilty for enjoying yourself at all over the holidays. Sometimes feelings of happiness are jarring when they come in the middle of a season of grief or chronic stress – but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Moments of happiness can give you a brief break and the fuel you need to weather the next wave.
 
It’s common to feel mixed emotions, or to go back and forth between feeling cheerful and upbeat, to feeling down and depleted, especially over a season that is filled with so many plans, social engagements, and changes in routine. All emotions cycle through. That’s normal. And all are natural, even over the holidays.
 
No matter where you find yourself emotionally this holiday season, practice allowing yourself to accept what you’re experiencing without putting the pressure on yourself to feel something you don’t yet. Give yourself time, take breaks when you feel overwhelmed, and reach out for support when you need to. Sometimes reducing the pressure is all that’s needed for a shift to take place.
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Deconstruction, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

resilience during times of adversity

Many families encounter various trials and hardships, some more than others.

During difficult times , each family member’s experience is unique and becomes and integral part of their life narrative.
  • Relocating/New school
  • Traumatic event
  • Changing of parental roles
  • Divorce
  • Terminal illness
  • Financial stress
  • Death of a loved one
  • Mental illness in parent/sibling

Resilience has been described as the ability to successfully adapt and overcome extremely adverse life experiences (Happer, Brown, & Sharma-Patel, 2017). Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes and does not have to be extreme to make an imprint. The individual, their families, and their social environment all play an important role in the development and nurturing of resilience. In addition, each person’s individual genetic makeup dictates how one reacts and navigates through adversity.

Recognizing opportunities to foster resilience within your child or adolescent plays an important role in parenting. Allowing your child the freedom to make mistakes enables them to rely on their inner strength and tenacity- which promotes independence. Children that possess a healthy sense
of control within normal limits and protective measures in place can flourish in this type of environment.

As parents, we can help shape our child’s negative experiences into lifetime lessons. Children are resilient by nature yet at the same time are deeply impacted by positive and negative factors which exist within their upbringing.

Consider these characteristics found in resilience:

  • Possessing a sense of purpose
  • The ability to set and maintain goals
  • Perseverance
  • Self-motivation

What life experiences has your family endured? Where did you notice resilience within yourself?  What characteristics of resilience do you see within your child/adolescent?

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

should i go no contact with family?

You don’t get to choose your family, so it’s natural that you may not get along with every single member.

Each family comes with its own set of struggles, and for some families that means members with toxic ways of relating to others. Interacting with them can be tiring at best. At worst, these relationships can threaten to completely overwhelm you.

Social media can sometimes promote a “no-negativity” approach that urges cutting off the relationships that don’t work for you. As simple as this solution may sound, it isn’t always that easy.
Every situation is unique, and you may find that totally cutting off contact with family isn’t the answer for you – but neither is continuing in the same hurtful patterns of relating with them.
 
Deciding what to do when you’re dealing with a complex family situation is rarely simple, so it’s totally okay if you need time to carefully weigh the available options. Here are just a few to consider:
 

Boundaries

 
Setting boundaries with family means clearly and calmly communicating how they can best connect with you. Boundaries are essentially requests. If the other person refuses those requests, have a plan for what to do to protect yourself.
 
For example, that may mean letting the other person know you’re open to communicating only if there’s no name-calling or shouting involved. If they continue to do so, let them know you have to leave and can continue the conversation when tempers have cooled.
 
If family members agree to meet you halfway or show respect for your boundaries, let them know how much you appreciate them. Foster the kind of connection you wish to have with them.
 

Distance

 
Boundaries can take time for family members to warm up to. It’s natural if you experience some pushback at first. But there may also be some relationships where no matter how many boundaries you set, the other person will keep barreling through them. Or worse, they may see the boundaries as a challenge and intensify their efforts to bait you into unproductive conflicts.
 
In those situations, getting some distance may be the more realistic option. It’s okay to call or text less. Keep interactions short. Instead of visiting for a whole week, stay for only two or three days. Distance can help provide time to recover and prepare for your next interaction.
 
Getting more distance in the relationship can also help when cutting off one family member would mean losing many other relationships that you’re not wanting to give up.
 

Temporary Separation

 
Perhaps the options above didn’t work and you’re reaching a point where you have to try something different. Or perhaps your family has changed for the better over time, but every time you’re around them, you experience very intense emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks or depression. If breaking off contact with family would bring more pain and trouble than it’s worth, consider taking a short break from them instead.
 
Get some time to heal first. You may need to work through past hurts or grieve the relationship you wish you had with them before you can reach a point of acceptance. Or you may simply need more time to recover between interactions in order to still function from day to day. Cutting off communication can help, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.
 

No-Contact

 
Sometimes no matter what you do to try to change the pattern, it’s simply too dangerous to keep the relationship going. Some family situations are too unpredictable, hostile, and damaging to warrant putting yourself in harm’s way. You may also be worried about family interactions compromising the safety of your loved ones, such as your partner or kids. Going no-contact may be what’s necessary to protect yourself and to keep from enabling the toxic behaviors of others.
 
When you cut off all contact with family, you may experience instant relief. It’s also natural to go through grief and strong feelings of guilt too – that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
 
There are many different reasons why people may decide that going no-contact is the safest course of action. There are also all sorts of reasons – financial, religious, cultural, etc. – why people may choose to remain in contact with family members who consistently demonstrate harmful behaviors.
 
No matter what you choose to do, finding support either from other family members or friends is crucial. All the different options come with their own benefits and downsides, and it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of unease or self-doubt regardless of the decision you make.  
 
If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a tough family relationship and would like some additional support, consider scheduling an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com. Sometimes having an outside perspective can bring some much-needed clarity. We’d love to help!
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

why can’t i remember what happened?

Sometimes after you’ve been through trauma, you might find it difficult to recall what took place.

Maybe you remember fragments or flashes of it, but none of it feels connected or in order. It’s like someone picked up a bunch of puzzle pieces and scattered them all over the room – everything is out of sorts. Even when you do get an image, feeling, or sensation connected to what happened, it’s hard to put the story into words.

Sometimes it isn’t just the details that go missing – it’s whole gaps of time. For example, you may have trouble remembering anything at all from before the age of 10. Or all of grade 4 is somehow missing in your memory even though you can still recall grades 3 and 5. A gap doesn’t always mean trauma occurred, but for some people, memories of trauma get blocked out. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your brain isn’t broken. In fact, it was doing exactly its job when the trauma occurred.

When all is well, our brains encode the memories most important to our survival in ways that allow us to recount the memory in words and in chronological order. We can make sense and meaning out of our memories. But when trauma occurs, memory doesn’t get encoded the same way.

This is because the parts of our brain (such as the amygdala), that deal with threat are prioritized and kicked into high gear. Our body and brains go into an automatic response mode. Just like when you touch a hot surface and instantly pull your hand back – you don’t have to think about how to respond, because your body’s automatic functions take over.

What that means, though, is that during a traumatic experience, the parts of the brain (such as the frontal lobe), that deal with planning and analyzing go offline. And the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that helps with memory and time sequencing, also gets impaired in the moment. Your body becomes fully focused on survival instead.

Missing some details and memories after trauma is natural. However, when you can’t remember precisely what happened, and you find yourself experiencing intense emotions and reactions to triggers, it can be tempting to dismiss what you’re going through as irrational just because you don’t have an orderly, chronological story of what happened to connect everything to.

Sometimes people get caught up trying to do a memory hunt. But memory, even when encoded normally, is often imperfect. Especially when it comes to trauma, diving into the details and memories of what happened doesn’t always help, and it doesn’t always validate as much as we think it will. More often, it tends to confuse and overwhelm us instead.

If you’re missing memories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be lost forever. Sometimes old memories you haven’t thought of in forever come back when something in the environment triggers the memory – like revisiting a place from childhood, or seeing an old friend again after many years apart. Memories can come back naturally without you having to search for them.

Sometimes memories don’t come back, and that’s okay too. It can be frustrating not being able to recall a piece of your history, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from beginning to recover. The good news is, you don’t have to remember everything perfectly in order to heal from trauma.

Trauma therapy isn’t about digging up every detail from the past. It’s not about putting you on trial to assess whether or not what you went through matters. Trauma therapy is about processing the emotions related to the trauma, making them more manageable, and learning how to feel safe in the present moment. It involves beginning to find and create meaning again, regardless of what you do or don’t remember.

For more on how trauma impacts the body and brain, check out Bessel van der Kolk’s book, “The Body Keeps the Score.”
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

 I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.
 

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

i’m bored

Summertime is finally here! 

School is out, no more tests, and the next thing parents hear from kid is “ I’m bored”!   Although summer is a time for relaxing, kids thrive on routine. It is important as a family to find a balance that works, especially during the summer months.

When kids become grumpy, frustrated, annoying a sibling, going against rules, or simply just wandering around, it’s time to suggest an option. Having a “bag of tricks” so to speak is key in helping your child find constructive things to do when bored. Providing choices enables your child to have ownership in how their time is spent.
Formulating a simple daily routine at home will foster responsibility and help curb the inevitable feeling of boredom. Below are some helpful tips:
 
~ map out a predictable routine together as a family and post it in kitchen
~ brainstorm simple tasks or activities kids can do alone and write down on
small pieces of colored paper. Place in a jar and when someone asks”
what can I do?” the Summer fun time jar will be waiting!
~ make a chore chart and earn small amounts of money for each chore.
This builds independence and kids can practice their math skills !

Examples of tasks/activities:

  • Board game
  • Puzzle
  • Find toys to donate
  • Call a relative
  • Help a neighbor
  • Go to the public library
  • Build something with random items
  • Organize something
  • Write someone a letter

Staying connected as a family and avoiding Summer time stress is important! Reach out to us at East Dallas Therapy for additional support. We look forward to working with our ongoing clients once school is back and can’t wait to meet someone new that may want to give therapy a try!

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

setting boundaries with yourself after trauma

Part of healing from relational trauma involves learning how to set healthy boundaries with others.

Those boundaries help keep us safe, and they allow us to communicate to others what we need in order to stay connected with them. Another important step in recovery, though, is learning how to set boundaries with yourself.

Relational trauma plays a big role in damaging our understanding of how to properly care for ourselves. You may find yourself swinging between two opposite extremes: either you’re too hard on yourself and never rest, or you’re so focused on giving yourself a break that you never complete important tasks. The first leads to burnout, and the second leads to a perpetual sense of falling behind.

Boundaries teach us how to re-prioritize. To set healthy boundaries with yourself, begin by asking the question: “What would be most helpful and least harmful to me in this moment?” Most situations are both helpful and harmful in some ways, but this question gives us the opportunity to discern what choices would be most sustainable for us in the long run.  

Setting boundaries with ourselves sometimes involves doing something we don’t like. For example, when you’re in that mode where you feel like you have to be productive at all costs in order to be worthy, telling yourself, “It’s time to take a 15-minute break,” can feel threatening. Or on the opposite end, when you’ve come out of a controlling relationship and have been enjoying the freedom to do whatever you want, telling yourself, “It’s time to get some work done,” can be triggering.

It may help in those moments to remind yourself that boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. The goal of setting boundaries with yourself is to care for, nurture, and challenge yourself in ways that most benefit you. That means building yourself up, not tearing down or shaming yourself.

It’s totally okay if you go to set a boundary with yourself and it brings up feelings of fear, discomfort, anger, and distress. You’re allowed to dislike slowing down, completing tasks, and even the boundaries themselves. Validate your emotions. Give them some space. Then do whatever it is you need to do to best take care of yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Trauma tries to take away confidence and replace it with self-doubt, but boundaries remind you that you aren’t abandoned or unseen. They take some practice and definitely some getting used to, but over time, healthy boundaries rebuild self-trust. There’s a greater sense of freedom that comes from knowing even trauma can’t take that away.

For a extra boost of self confidence check out this short 5-minute meditation for boosting self-confidence video.
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

i’m divorced and our child is graduating

The end of the school year seems to be the most stressful time for busy families.

End of school parties, awards ceremonies, talent shows, exams, field day, graduation parties, high school graduations and college move outs and graduations. The calendars are full and if you are a parent who is divorced, your thoughts may be more focused on the navigation of these milestones and celebrations rather than the joy. Sound familiar?

Attending functions at your child’s school or attending a graduation are milestones parents do not want to miss. So how do parents embrace these sometimes difficult, awkward, yet necessary encounters? As a divorced parent, I have learned and am still learning what my kids most need during these times. Divorce is painfully complex and each member of the family unit carries a personal narrative- even young children. Leading up to an event may be dreadful and even seem unmanageable.
 
Remind yourself of the actual purpose of the occasion:

Who is it for?

What are we celebrating?

 

The joy and excitement of having family events is a privilege. Keep the focus on that. Set aside past hurts and resentment for the time being and focus on your child. Leave behind your vulnerability and insecurity during these moments.
For children of divorce, it can mean alot to merely see their parents exchanging a greeting or sitting near one another during a special event~ doesn’t mean the parents have to carry on a lengthy conversation. These small positive interactions slowly can begin to patch a child’s wounds from the traumatic experience of divorce. So, as a healthy parent not only are you healing pain and resentment within your own heart, you are allowing space for your children to begin the difficult journey of healing.
 
You will make mistakes, so plan on it; forgive yourself, apologize if necessary and continue to move forward. Hopefully, each encounter over the years will become a little easier, a new normal.
 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

shame spirals

Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.

Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.

Sound familiar? If you’ve experienced a shame spiral before, you know how paralyzing they can be. Feelings of shame are hard enough to manage on their own at times, but a shame spiral occurs when constant feelings of shame spin us out of control. The bottom of this spiral looks different for everybody, but it can result in a panic attack, over or undereating, withdrawing from others, a depressive episode, or even self-harming thoughts and behaviors.
 
When shame spirals hit, they keep us stuck. They limit us and prevent us from moving forward by convincing us that we’re out of options. They give us feelings of hopelessness and the belief that nothing will solve our problems because we are the problem.

The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:

 
·         What happens when you’ve reached the bottom? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors show you that your shame spiral has reached a critical point?
 
·         Right before you’ve hit the bottom, what signs in your body show you that you’re almost to that point? Which muscles may feel tense or numb? Do you feel shaky or out of breath? Is your mind racing or going blank?
 
·         Taking a step up the spiral from there, what thoughts, emotions, and sensations are you experiencing? Are you more or less talkative? Are you just beginning to feel anxious or depressed?
 
·         Then at the top of your spiral: how do you know when you’re just beginning to feel a sense of shame? Are you more irritable? Do you get a sinking sensation in your chest or start focusing on a specific thought such as, “I shouldn’t be this way.”
Once you map out your shame spirals, it takes practice catching them early and discovering which methods give you some relief. The earlier you catch it, the faster you can take a break, recharge, call a friend, get some sleep, or do something else to help soothe or distract yourself until you’re in a better frame of mind.
 
When you’re not in a shame spiral, it’s so much easier to return to the original issue and begin problem-solving. It’s easier to think and consider your options. You can figure out what in the situation you can control vs. what you can’t control and make a plan from there.
For an extra activity you can use to decrease shame, try this short, 5-minute meditation on extending loving kindness to self and others: 5-minute meditation
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

mastering the madness: confronting anxiety and racing thoughts

Ever feel like there’s a relentless and chaotic storm brewing inside you?

That’s how it feels for me. It’s as if this unceasing tempest is constantly whirling, making it hard to find calm or clarity.  Imagine an endless list of worries or a barrage of terrible outcomes that disrupt your sleep and trigger a deep sense of panic, overwhelming your mind with fear and uncertainty and threatening to gobble up your entire life.

If this is something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Anxiety is something more and more of us are grappling with it. Recognizing that you’re facing an issue is a significant first step. The path that follows can feel challenging, filled with therapy sessions, medications, and self-help techniques, all with one goal—getting the reins of your whirling thoughts and intense emotions back in your hands.

Let’s Talk about Your High Standards and Feelings of Inadequacy

Anxiety might seem complex, but it often starts with a straightforward narrative—I’m not enough. These self-esteem-crushing feelings can be fueled by sky-high expectations imposed by others or ourselves. Maybe it’s an insatiable pursuit of perfection, an impossible standard set by others, or a deep-rooted belief that you’re destined to fail unless you’re extraordinary.

These persistently lofty standards are a breeding ground for anxiety and racing thoughts. When life becomes an ongoing test with an unreachable passing score, it’s not surprising that our minds start sprinting, scared of the fallout of perceived failure.

The Birthplace of Anxiety and Racing Thoughts

Several factors can ignite anxiety, like genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. For some, it ignites during childhood when their parents hammer in the need to excel and succeed. Others might be genetically disposed to anxiety disorders, which makes them more likely to develop them when they encounter stressful situations.

Racing thoughts, a regular symptom of anxiety, surface when our minds scramble to cope with severe feelings of fear and worry. They make it immensely hard to relax, focus, or even carry on a conversation. In severe cases, racing thoughts can trigger panic attacks, a terrifying experience
that feels like everything is spiraling into chaos.

Ways to Tackle Racing Thoughts

Dealing with racing thoughts is all about having tested tools ready to help refocus your mind and break the cycle of fear and worry.

Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation

Cultivating mindfulness can transform the way you manage anxiety. By directing your attention to the present moment through meditation, you learn to observe the flurry of thoughts in your mind without getting carried away. This habit can distance you from the relentless wave of racing thoughts, providing a much-needed moment of clarity and peace.

Set a Worry Time

Designating a specific “worry time” is a psychological technique to curb racing thoughts. Pick a time each day when you’ll focus entirely on your anxieties. If anxious thoughts sneak up for the rest of the day, remind yourself to address them during your worry time. Having a fixed time for
worries helps you dictate and manage those thoughts rather than allowing them to control you.

Integrate Relaxation Techniques

Incorporate relaxation techniques into your day to combat racing thoughts. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises and indulging in pleasurable hobbies can help reduce your overall stress. Regularly practicing these methods can teach your body to chill out more effectively when anxiety strikes.

What’s Next?

Anxiety and racing thoughts can feel debilitating, but they aren’t unbeatable. By identifying the triggers and effects of anxiety and equipping yourself with practical tools, you can start to regain control over your mental health. Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Therapy can serve as a support system and a catalyst for growth, empowering you to rewrite your anxiety story and take control of your life.

By taking one step, one thought at a time, you can lead a calmer life, free from the overpowering influence of anxiety and racing thoughts. The silence you”ll experience in a mind that once was in a constant race is a blessing—a free space that lets contentment and joy flourish. You deserve nothing less when it comes to your health and well-being.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!
Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what now?

So, you have graduated college and now onto  the world of “adulting”! 

I have checked all of the boxes. Now, I update my resume and  apply for the job I have always wanted and so deserve because I have worked so diligently to get where I am today.  Three months have passed and I still do not have a job. What now?  How did this happen to me?  Where did I go wrong?
 
Sound familiar?  The world is a much larger place than it appeared while you were a college student,  possibly “ living your best life”.  Coming to the realization of being a new college graduate is not always easy. In fact, it can be overwhelming, increase your anxiety, cause depression, and even self-doubt. You are not alone. 
 
Facing the reality of job searching is not what the college years prepared you for.  Researching  career paths and applying for jobs is like a part time job in itself. It takes persistence and confidence, which yours may be wavering at this point.  If you are feeling lost in what to do next or where to turn for help; you are not alone. I work with many college graduates who have been right where you are today.  Through a therapeutic relationship, we build on your strengths, learn to recognize what your are passionate about, and navigate this unexpected journey together. 
 

Reach out today so we can find the next step for you! 

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what if they don’t accept my boundaries?

Healthy boundaries help maintain respect, mutuality, and connection in relationships.

You get to decide which boundaries are most important for you to set with others.

For instance, you can choose to set physical boundaries around who you feel comfortable accepting affection from. Or you may choose to set boundaries on your time by declining to attend one event, while prioritizing another commitment elsewhere.
 
In relationships with people who are generally healthy and safe, setting boundaries may feel more effortless. They already accept your limits and are open about theirs as well. Negotiating and making compromises with them takes place naturally and doesn’t feel like you’re tiptoeing around a landmine.
 
Unfortunately, the people you need to set boundaries with most are often those who are least likely to respect them. You tell them you’re busy, they show up anyway. You ask them not to bring up a sensitive topic, and they talk about it at every opportunity. That may leave you wondering, what’s the point in setting boundaries at all?

It’s important to remember that boundaries are requests, not demands.

 
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior, it’s about keeping  yourself safe and managing your resources wisely. People can (and often do) say no when you try to set boundaries with them.
 
When it comes to those in your life who tend to ignore, dismiss, or reject your boundaries, make sure you have a plan. You can’t control their behavior, but you can come up with ideas for how to better protect yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Then, present your boundaries to the other person in the form of options.
 
For example:
 
“I want to figure this out with you, but I feel overwhelmed when you call me names. If you can talk about it without calling me that, I can stay on the phone, but otherwise I’m going to hang up and take a break for now.”
 
“Could you please not do that when I’m in the room? I start to panic whenever this happens, so if it continues, I’ll have to leave until I can calm down. I don’t mind staying otherwise, as long as this stops.”
 
Let the person know how they can best connect with you in the situation and what you’ll do if they choose not to accept your boundaries. Then – and this is key – make sure you follow through! If you tell them you have to go home if they continue to cross your boundaries, go home if they continue. If you don’t follow through on what you say, the person will assume you’re not serious and they’ll keep pushing past your limits. The more you stick to what you say, the more likely they will be to adjust to your requests in the future.
 
Of course, you’ll also come into contact with some people who push your boundaries constantly. If you can get distance from them, that’s great, but in some situations that isn’t always possible. For example, maybe there’s someone at work or school that you have to interact with on a regular basis. Maybe you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing a boundary every five minutes. Realistically, catching them on every single thing may be exhausting or even impossible. Choose your battles. Take time to consider which boundaries you’re willing to let slide at times and which are non-negotiables for you.
 
Especially if you’re not used to doing it, setting healthy boundaries takes practice. Consider working with a professional for extra support. 
You can also check out this free workbook for more tools on how to set boundaries: Workbook
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
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