Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is emotional abuse

Emotional abuse has a sneaky side. It can slip by unnoticed, especially if it was something you got used to experiencing growing up or in a long-term relationship.

But just because it isn’t always obvious, that doesn’t mean it can’t cause a lot of damage. Emotional abuse – even without any other forms of abuse present – can lead to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other issues over time.
Pinpointing emotional abuse can also be tough because the term itself is a little vague, leading to plenty of misconceptions. But here’s what emotional abuse doesn’t mean:

· Experiencing or expressing emotions that upset other people

· Taking a step back from providing emotional support for others when you’re feeling too drained

· Telling someone “No”

·Having a disagreement or argument

·Making normal mistakes in relationships at times (ex: losing your temper, saying something you don’t really mean, snapping when you’re feeling hangry, getting defensive first before apologizing, etc.)

Emotional abuse is insidious, and different from the natural ups and downs experienced in most relationships. It’s when someone consistently and actively tries to emotionally harm someone else. Here’s what it can look like:
· Manipulation
· Controlling behaviors such as how you spend your time or who you spend time with
· Constant criticism
· Passive-aggressive jokes and put-downs
· Gaslighting – convincing you that what you experience and/or feel isn’t real or didn’t happen
· Triangulating you against others and vice versa
· Frequent lying
· Emotional invalidation
· Shaming
· Purposefully humiliating you in front of others
· Constant blaming instead of taking responsibility for their own actions
· Name calling and frequent insults
· Threatening
· Baiting you into arguments
These are just a few examples. Sometimes one or two of the above behaviors can show up briefly in a relationship, such as in times of stress or during major conflicts, but then get resolved. It’s when these behaviors become persistent, frequent, and prolonged that they can really begin to take a major toll.
Those who have suffered under prolonged emotional abuse can develop many of the same symptoms as those who have experienced physical abuse – including hypervigilance, low self-worth, self-harm, suicidality, eating disorders, flashbacks, nightmares, social anxiety, panic attacks, and difficulty trusting others.
When emotional abuse is experienced on a repetitive basis, it can turn you against yourself. The barrage of guilt messages and invalidation can get internalized to the point where even when you’re free from an emotionally abusive relationship, you end up telling yourself those same messages.
What helps? For starters, experiencing safe, healthy relationships. That may mean a relationship with a partner, family, friends, or a counselor – people who can begin to help you rewrite the negative messages you received from the emotional abuse you experienced. This takes time and repetition, but in the long term brings renewed confidence and connection.
Associated media for more signs and symptoms of emotional abuse:  https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#what-to-do
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

defining diagnosis in relationships

Recently I went out for breakfast with a friend who has been dealing with a degenerative diagnosis for the past several years. She talked about the struggle with getting her family to understand the role that her diagnosis should play in their relationships.
She told me something that is so relatable. Her family doesn’t often talk about her diagnosis, but they respond to it in two extremes: one is to totally ignore it even when the diagnosis is displaying itself clearly or to treat it as if the diagnosis is the only thing in the room and her personhood is displaced. They speak to one another about her and what they should do without bringing the person who carries the diagnosis into the conversation. These two responses are not intentionally dismissive, uncaring or mean even though it may feel that way and those feelings are valid.
This is the kind of situation that so many people understand. As a person who grew up with a disability it was often viewed as the elephant in the room. I often oscillated between someone who was merely a diagnosis (this was usually in medical settings or sometimes with educators who considered themselves to be experts). Or people ignored my disability ‘treating me no differently’ even when I needed things to be different (i.e., walking slower, taking rests, feeling like I could ask for and get the things I needed).
If these two extremes were my experience alone, this wouldn’t be worth writing about, but it isn’t. In fact, this friend of mine who was diagnosed later in life with a degenerative diagnosis was experiencing the dizzying oscillation between these two extremes as she tried to explain to her family what she really needed. I resonated deeply with her. We talked about how we wanted our disabilities to have a place in the room.
Sometimes they need to sit in a place of prominence while we discuss something like whether or not to try a new treatment or how to accommodate disability on a vacation to a new place. We talked about how sometimes disability diagnoses can sit quietly in the corner, but they always need a place in the room. They need to be acknowledged as a part of the person with the disability whether they take up a large part of the room or a small part of the room.
Here are some ways to make sure your diagnosis is given space in the room you are in:
  1. Ask for the things you want and need. If it would be helpful for you to take a break, sit in a certain chair, go for a walk if sitting still is difficult for your brain or body, etc. Ask for these things.
  2. Have meetings before important meetings, if you are going to meet with your doctor and your spouse, team, etc. pre-game the meeting about what your major concerns are to make sure your questions are given priority. You also may want to hear what other people’s questions or concerns are so that you can make sure these are ways you want your body talked about or it may be a question you would rather ask than have someone else ask on your behalf.
  3. You can also make jokes about making space for your ‘dx’ or feeling like you might need to use the pull-out couch to make space for it after a taxing activity.
  4. You also may need to ask for the emotional support you would like. For instance, saying to your friends, “I love hearing about your job/kids/house, etc. but it would mean a lot to me if you could ask about how my treatments are going, etc.
  5. Be gracious with yourself and the people that love you. Making space for something you would never choose like a diversely abled diagnosis whether old or new is often hard. It also can be something you are really used to with your spouse and current friends but reconnecting with old friends or having to explain it to the kids in your life can bring new challenges and can make old griefs feel new again, for you and for the people who love you. There’s space for this too. Here’s one of my favorite examples of being gracious with yourself and those that love you from Paul Reiser in Familyhood:
Discussing his pre-teen son’s view on his wheelchair Reiser said,
“...He does on occasion share simply that he hates it, and wishes it wasn’t so. In those moments I have nothing remotely helpful to say. I remind him that I’m with him on that; I hate it too. And more than anything in the universe, I wish it weren’t the case. But we don’t talk about it much beyond that. We just sit together in the midst of the loudest quiet there is. In the center of that quiet, there’s a dull thumping; a perceptibly pulsing emptiness that announces we’ve traveled to the farthest reach of our combined reasoning. At that point, we just stay there, until we’re ready to move on” (Reiser 73).
While it is possible and necessary to make meaning out of suffering it is very personal and it takes time. It is normal to want to push ourselves or our loved ones to make meaning out the difficulty of disability, this takes time and is exceedingly personal. It may be important to take some time to sit in the loudest quiet there is with those who feel these difficult feelings with you. This can be a friend, a family member, a therapist or a support group.
Anxiety, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

how to process trauma

You might have heard before that trauma needs to be processed in order for healing to fully take place.

 But what does that mean, exactly? When you have a rough day at work, processing might look like coming home and venting to a spouse or calling a friend. You talk about what happened in detail, how you felt about it, and maybe what you want to do in the future as a result. Afterwards you might feel some relief, like you got it off your chest.
Processing trauma, however, is very different from that scenario. You might feel the same urge to rip off the Band-Aid, tell the full story, and get it all out as if purging it from your system. The problem, though, is that trauma doesn’t get processed in quite the same way as other issues. The emotions, memories, and symptoms that result from trauma are typically much more intense.
For that reason, you might find yourself telling the full story in detail, only to realize that the whole time you were speaking, you felt numb. The emotions just wouldn’t come. Or you may try to talk about what happened and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a flashback, panic attack, or shut down. That can make you shy away from ever talking about it at all, and for good reason.
In the first instance, the trauma doesn’t actually get processed because you can’t connect to your emotions enough to work through them. In the second, it doesn’t get processed because you’re connected to so many intense emotions at once, it feels like you’re reliving the trauma instead of healing it.
Thankfully, recalling the memories, explaining everything in detail, or recounting your experiences in chronological order aren’t necessary to heal from trauma. To fully process trauma, the most important thing you can do is work through the emotions you felt during and as a result of what happened. The emotions are key. But it’s also just as important to work through those emotions at a slow pace and in a safe environment. If you try to process too much at once, it will make things worse instead of better. If you’re getting panic attacks and flashbacks when trying to work through your trauma, that’s a sign that you’re moving too fast and need to slow down.
A trained professional can help you learn how to better understand your limits and find the balance that works for you. It takes learning to connect to your emotions in a way that feels safe and manageable rather than overwhelming. That means processing the past while remaining mindful of the present moment – no reliving required. Sometimes the work will feel like it’s progressing at a snail’s pace, but a gentle and gradual approach is much more effective in the long run.
If you have any questions about trauma processing, reach out to summer@eastdallastherapy.com
Here’s a video on how to widen your window of tolerance for stress: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNVlppGz0zM
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

you can’t do it all and do it well

I remember reading this years ago and even when I knew it was true, I found myself arguing with it.

“I can get better at multitasking.”
“I can get more efficient.”
“I can hack this.”
 
Even that word “hack” gives us a clue to how we think about our lives and our priorities. It Assumes we can find the secret code that unlocks our potential. We’re attempting to be limitless and outside of time and space. This is not possible! This belief is that we can be all and do all. It just leads us to feel weaker and like we have failed when we do reach the end of our energy, skill, time, patience, etc.
 
A few thoughts to help you as you wrestle against this:
 
1. How do you make space for yourself to recharge? When you plan for rest, you are acknowledging your limits and believing in your value and worth no matter your productivity.
2. pay attention to the messages you’re receiving. Some of the mantras and encouragements we read can, in the end, be shaming if we don’t acknowledge our needs.
3. Don’t assume you can do it all or even most of it by yourself. We weren’t made to accomplish all of our goals alone. We are wired for connection.
 
So, assuming you ARE NOT limitless… how do you know what to focus your energy on? It all comes down to your values. We have to identify our values in order to prioritize. 
 
Pick your top 3 to 5 values/priorities from the values list linked above and see how you can spend time daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly toward these priorities.
 
Examples:
 
Family time
daily around the dinner table
Weekly movie night
Monthly one on one time with each child
Yearly weekend or week away
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

i’m stuck in my thoughts

When you get stuck thinking about the same thing over and over again, that’s called ruminating.

 Sometimes people get caught in a negative thought loop, or they stay awake at night remembering one embarrassing moment after another. People also ruminate about conversations, problems, or worries about the future.
 
When it lasts for a few minutes, it can be pretty annoying, but when ruminative thoughts last for days or weeks, you can really start to feel out of control. When you’re ruminating, it’s hard to stay present in your own life. You’re distracted and it’s easy to forget things. Ruminative thoughts can rob you of sleep, time, and peace.
 
So just stop the ruminative thoughts and think of something else, right? It would be nice if it were that simple! These kinds of thoughts are like magnets with an attractive pull that keeps them going on and on, even if they’re distressing. But thankfully, getting unstuck is possible.
 
Here are two methods you can use to get out of exhausting thought loops:
 
1.       Get Into Your Emotions:
 
What makes ruminative thoughts so magnetic is that they usually cover up something even more uncomfortable: unpleasant emotions. When we’re feeling emotions that are intense, overwhelming, or that we’re ashamed of, ruminative thoughts often function as the perfect distraction.
 
When you catch yourself stuck in your thoughts, try asking yourself: “What am I feeling?” or “What am I trying not to feel, and why?”   Oftentimes, the moment we stop to give those feelings some space, the ruminative thoughts clear up. Given a little time, the emotions pass as well, and we start feeling better again.
 
If the emotions are too overwhelming or feel too threatening, consider working with a counselor who can help coach you through them in a way that feels safer for you.
 
2.       Get Into Your Body:
 
Ruminative thoughts tend to take us out of our bodies, keeping us stuck in our minds instead. So we can combat unwanted thoughts by shifting focus to our bodies. This can be done through a variety of ways:
 
·         Deep breathing
·         Exercise
·         Sports
·         Yoga
·         Gardening
·         Tasting a strong flavor
·         Smelling a pleasant scent
·         Using fidget toys
 
When you focus on your five senses, it grounds you to your body and the thoughts begin to lose their power. Getting into your body can also help you recharge after processing difficult emotions. This method and the previous one work best when used together.
 
If your ruminative thoughts stem from anxiety and end up keeping you awake at night, here’s a link to some free guided progressive muscle relaxation, an excellent tool for getting back into your body and back to sleep:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HUcX8ZtAk&t=12s
 
Centering yourself in your emotions and body can help keep your thoughts from running the whole show.
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

i can’t prioritize

I often find myself having trouble focusing on what’s most important. Especially in the morning. My mind is racing with all of the things I want to accomplish in a day.

 It’s really hard to prioritize what’s needs to be done right away. Sometimes I can pause long enough to think about the simplest, basic needs first. I remember this hierarchy of needs that I learned about in my graduate program. The concept is that in order to get to higher levels of functioning, you have to address all of your basic needs first.
 
On Maslow’s hierarchy, the bottom level is shelter and security, food and water. The basic physiological needs. The next layer up is safety and emotional connection. Alllll the way at the top is self-actualizing – which is to live fully in what you are capable of. I would love to constantly live at that highest level and often I try to! But in order to do that, I have to make sure my home is safe and pulled together, I eat breakfast, I feel safe and secure, and I’ve connected with family and friends.

All of these habits are essential for your brain to be able to engage in creativity, new challenges, personal growth, stay healthy and to build your self-awareness. The end goal is to live into your full potential, but it all starts with your basic needs. You might notice that when you’re hungry or tired you have more trouble accomplishing challenging tasks. Or when your home is a wreck or under construction or you’ve recently moved, you may not be ready to take on a new project at work.

You may not have the energy for those bigger dreams you have for yourself. When your basic needs go unmet, your mind and body is preoccupied with those gaps in your needs. You can put off your basic needs for a while, but eventually it will all catch up with you and result in burn out, resentment, health issues, or anxiety.

So, take care of yourself, check in with your body. Attune yourself to the rhythms of your needs. The next time you find your mind racing or you’re getting overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done, start with the basic needs first. This will set you up for success for those bigger things you want to accomplish.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

dissociation

Chances are high that you’ve dissociated before. Most people have.

 Dissociation happens when we disconnect from ourselves and the world around us. Sometimes it can be a helpful way to unwind. Other times it can get in the way of what we want to do.
 
You may have heard that dissociation is a trauma response, and to some extent that’s true. But it isn’t always a trauma response – otherwise that would mean almost everybody is traumatized!
 
Dissociation occurs on a spectrum. On the one end, there’s the more commonplace dissociation: daydreaming during a boring lecture, getting completely absorbed in a suspenseful Netflix series, or losing track of time while playing a videogame. After a particularly rough day at work, you might catch yourself zoning out rather than concentrating on a conversation. This kind of dissociation is normal. Sometimes our brains need that time to disconnect and recharge.
 
The farther along the spectrum you go, however, the more dissociation may interfere with your day-to-day activities. Instead of zoning out every now and then, you might spend hours completely oblivious to time passing, your mind blank. Or when a stressful event occurs, you find yourself suddenly immobilized and feel lost. Sometimes dissociation can make you feel like you’re not real, or like the world around you is constantly blanketed in a fuzzy haze.
 
Dissociation is very natural. That’s why the body uses it sometimes during traumatic events. When dissociation is used to cope with trauma it can manifest in multiple ways such as:
 
  • Dissociating from painful memories to the point where you forget long gaps of your history
  • Dissociating from your body so you don’t feel physical or emotional pain
  • Dissociating from your identity so essentially the trauma “didn’t happen to me”
 
This kind of dissociation starts out as adaptive and helpful. It’s your body’s way of trying to spare you from painful sensations and feelings that are far too overwhelming to process at once. It only gets in the way when the trauma remains unprocessed, and you try to go about your everyday life again only for the dissociation to keep happening. That’s when you may feel totally disconnected from who you are, from others, and from life in general.
 
When dissociation is at the more severe end of the spectrum, you may lose track of time on a regular basis, have trouble remembering the details of your day, or come to in the middle of an activity you don’t remember ever starting. You may also feel internally conflicted about who you are, as if there are multiple sides to you all arguing over who is really “me.”
 
Regardless of where you find yourself on the spectrum of dissociation, if you feel like it’s beginning to interfere with your life, it may be time to seek support. A counselor can help you learn the skills needed for your body to reorient to the present moment and for you to find safety in connection again.
 
For more on dissociation, check out this workbook: “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation” by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, and Onno van der Hart
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

disruptions

I recently moved and I experienced what so many other people experience when they move, I was holding on to a lot of stuff. 
 
Some of it totally made sense because it’s stuff I used everyday or it was family photos that I inherited when my mom died.  Some of it was a bathmat that I bought years ago, never really liked but just kept or there was the bottle of Tylenol that I kid you not, expired in 2014. 
 
The disruptive occasion of moving alerted me to the need to take stock of stuff.  I had to take physical boxes and decide what I wanted to keep, what I wanted to donate and what I wanted to keep but change to make it work in my new home or to make it fit the person I have become instead of the person I was when I first bought it.
 
There are moments in our lives that are disruptive and that draw our attention to the philosophical framework, spiritual beliefs and emotional histories that drive our present, whether we are cognizant of them or not. A disruption can be many things but here are some examples:
 
-Getting married
-Getting divorced
-Adopting or giving birth to a child
-Changing jobs
-Becoming a stay at home parent
-Having a teen or older child question your families beliefs or values
-The death or aging parent or loved one
-Buying a new home and either upsizing or downsizing
-Reaching an important milestone in your career
-Having a child reach a new milestone like last kid to kindergarten or first kid to college
 
We can get lost in the business of re-orienting ourselves in one of these times that knocks us off kilter and just strap everything we have accumulated to our hearts and minds and take it into the new season with us in the midst of our grief, excitement, anxiety, anticipation and many other emotions.
 
We can look at the framework we were given as children or the faith journey we have had so far or at parenting philosophies that were helpful when our kids were babies over a decade ago and think, what of this is my core self, what of this was helpful for a season but really doesn’t fit now and what of this was never really mine, but I carried it out of family obligation or social pressure?
 
These are big questions and sorting through these kinds of things can be a difficult process and therapy can help it all feel less overwhelming and you can rebuild a more intentional, purposeful life for yourself (and your family, if that fits).
Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

setting limits with teenagers

The unique and ever so challenging population of teenagers has desired independence for generations.

The freedom from outside control or support (Merriam-Webster, 2023) is an intimidating thought for any parent raising teens today. I like to think of independence as a process; one that is carefully nurtured from birth. From the time a child is born, believe it or not, our sole responsibility as a parent is to provide a safe and loving environment which instills emotional and physical growth within our tiny human.
 
We actually begin by letting go, piece by piece, step by step, in hopes of our child one day being a caring and responsible human being, who has the desire to give back to this world. Quite a job description!
 
So, how do we get from point A to Z you may be contemplating?  Parenting is beautiful, it’s complicated, and messy; not what you expect or plan for.  There will be ups and downs, mistakes, and lessons learned along the way.  All the while, we are providing more and more opportunities for our teen to become self- sufficient.
 
Teenagers want to be trusted, they beg and plead for this. “Trust me!”  How many times have I heard this as a parent?  Too many to count!  I recall conversations with my teenagers where I would explain there are certain things I can trust you with now, and there will be more things I can trust you with later.  I am by no means saying this was music to their ears, but finding areas where we as parents can say “yes” helps the “no’s” seem less restrictive.
So, let’s take technology as an example- that’s a big one, right?  I propose including your teenager while creating limits for your household.  Don’t worry, it’s not too late to start now I promise. We are fielding the world of technology as it comes, and even as adults it is a challenge!
 
You may be thinking, “Why would I include my teenager when I am the one setting the rules?”. Good question!  Allowing teenagers to have ownership within limit setting promotes responsibility and autonomy.  Put the responsibility on them by saying, “We are going to be making some new house rules for technology and I would really value your input”. 
 
So now, you have them thinking and wondering, “What in the world is going on with my parents?  They want to ask my opinion and my opinion might matter.”  Of course, expect the response, “I don’t need limits,” “I know how to set my screen time,” etc.”.  And yes, it is important to set your own limits and we want to keep the conversation going; however, as parents we have to walk the fine line of making the final decision and sticking to it whether they like it or not.
 
Once my third child was a teenager and in middle school, technology had drastically changed, and I realized the only way to protect him “after hours”, so to speak, was to remove all technology and have the plug in at the kitchen counter.  Initially, this did not go over so well and there was some arguing and some tears.  I gave a fair warning- meaning, the week before school starts or starting a week from now, the new limits will be in place.  I discussed how as his parent; it was my job to keep him safe and ensure a restful night’s sleep.
 
In the beginning, it was stressful to have to revisit the “Why,” and “my friends’ parents don’t do this”.  Hold your ground and be confident in your parenting ability.  Weekend nights might look different but on school nights- phone and computer in kitchen by 10:30. These limits seemed to work for us, and at times exceptions were made, like for late night sports games or a project that was due.  By the time my son was a junior in high school, I stopped removing the technology and would monitor his bedtime routine.
Is this recipe for every teenager or family?  No. Consider other factors such as your child’s homework load, their grades, do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Find what works for you and your teen!
 
Removing technology from tweens/teens on school nights fosters their own ability to later set healthy limits for themselves. My son, is now almost 20 and I asked him the other day this very question, “Do you feel that me taking your phone and computer away at night when you were younger has helped you later in setting limits?” I anticipated him responding with, “No it did nothing” or “Why do you want to know?” Surprisingly, he responded “Yes, absolutely”.
 
He went on to explain how the early technology limits evolved his thought process around technology, more specifically his phone. He went on to say, “It is difficult for younger people, even my age, to get off the phone in social settings”.  Shocking right?  By my third child, I suppose I had done at least one thing right!
 
So, independence – yes, they want it and will take it whenever it is granted. Parents, I encourage you to tread these waters with a loving confidence while allowing more chances for your child to prove their blooming independence!
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I feel the emotions of others

If you have high empathy, spending time around people can feel like a roller coaster ride.

You walk into a room and instantly read everyone’s emotions. You can tell who feels uncomfortable and who is enjoying everything. You may have become an expert at changing the environment or conversation to help put others at ease. And when they’re not at ease, you feel it too. Anxiety, despair, grief, it can all hit you pretty hard.

High empathy presents some challenges. For instance, you may find yourself accidentally getting pulled into others’ dilemmas and crises without meaning to. Setting boundaries is tough when the moment you tell someone no, you feel their disappointment to the very core. Burnout is also a common experience, especially after sensing a ton of intense emotions at once.

High empathy doesn’t have to be a struggle, though! It’s a valuable trait that, when nurtured, enhances your life and the lives of those around you. Here are three common myths about high empathy and their corresponding truths for more clarity:

1. Myth: If you can feel what others are feeling, it’s your responsibility to make them feel better.

Truth: People are responsible for their own emotions. You can choose to offer help if you’d like, but you’re not obligated to fix what they’re feeling. If you struggle with this, try visualizing others working through their difficult emotions on their own and feeling better afterwards. Imagine them taking a walk to let off steam or giving themselves a five-minute break.

2. Myth: If you have high empathy, it means you’re too sensitive, and that needs to change.

Truth: Sensitivity is a neutral trait. Those high in emotional sensitivity can perceive subtle details others miss and often come across as warm and caring, though they may struggle at times with feeling overstimulated or taking things personally. Those low in sensitivity are able to navigate harsh environments more easily and are good at setting boundaries. However, they may not notice subtle cues in relationships and can come across as blunt or indifferent. Both have strengths and weaknesses, and both types of people are needed!

3. Myth: You have no choice but to take on others’ emotions.

Truth: You can practice noticing others’ emotions without fully taking them on as your own. Try imagining a glass wall between yourself and the other person, where their emotions bounce lightly off the wall back toward them before reaching you. This can help you distinguish between your own feelings and theirs, and can also give you time to think about the situation without immediately feeling overwhelmed.

High empathy is what allows you to deeply connect with those around you in a way that feels exhilarating, meaningful, and fulfilling. Empathy is also key to qualities like kindness and generosity. It’s a gift to be celebrated and it’s part of your charm.

Associated media: https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-and-emotional-empathy-4582389  

(This article helps define what empathy is and the different types)

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I don’t want to be selfish

There are some households where everything revolves around one person.
 
Maybe a family member is chronically ill, addicted to substances, or just has a tendency to run the whole show. In any case, what you learn from a young age is to always focus on someone else. Stay small. Don’t rock the boat. Make sure everyone is happy.
 
And sometimes focusing entirely on someone else feels good at first. Self-sacrifice is often celebrated as one of the ultimate acts of love or altruism. People may even compliment your selflessness. But over time, it drains you. Exhaustion, depression, and burnout can set in. You find yourself beginning to crave things like time, space, sleep, and support.
 
But if you take that step and reach out for what refuels you, suddenly the guilt sets in. You may wonder, “Am I selfish?”  Tuning in to your own needs or harder yet – standing up for those needs, is, after all, making it about you, right?
 
When you’re used to ignoring what you need and how you feel, it makes sense that taking care of yourself feels unnatural. Thankfully, self-care and selfishness aren’t the same thing – though at first it may be difficult to tell the two apart. Selfishness means thinking only of yourself to the exclusion of others, or even to their detriment. Selfishness says, “I’m better than everyone else!”
Self-worth says, “I’m equal to others.” It involves respecting yourself as a human being, recognizing your limits, and honoring your boundaries. Self-worth recognizes that it’s okay to take breaks, get a bite to eat, and say no when you need to. In the same way, it honors and respects the needs and boundaries of others.
 
Of course, sometimes your needs will conflict with someone else’s. Self-worth acknowledges that everyone’s needs matter, including yours, and seeks to make a compromise. That may mean choosing to sacrifice some of your needs at times to prioritize someone else’s – but that’s just the thing. It’s a choice, not an obligation. Choosing to sacrifice your rights isn’t the same as believing you don’t have any. And self-worth also allows others to make the same choice to prioritize your needs over theirs sometimes.
 
How do you figure out what rights you have?  Check out this list of personal rights and see what stands out to you. Which ones are easiest for you to claim? Which are the hardest? Keeping the list on hand or posting it on your fridge or mirror can help remind you what healthy self-worth looks like.
 
Check out this “Personal Bill of Rights” handout: https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf
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