Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I don’t want to be selfish

There are some households where everything revolves around one person.
 
Maybe a family member is chronically ill, addicted to substances, or just has a tendency to run the whole show. In any case, what you learn from a young age is to always focus on someone else. Stay small. Don’t rock the boat. Make sure everyone is happy.
 
And sometimes focusing entirely on someone else feels good at first. Self-sacrifice is often celebrated as one of the ultimate acts of love or altruism. People may even compliment your selflessness. But over time, it drains you. Exhaustion, depression, and burnout can set in. You find yourself beginning to crave things like time, space, sleep, and support.
 
But if you take that step and reach out for what refuels you, suddenly the guilt sets in. You may wonder, “Am I selfish?”  Tuning in to your own needs or harder yet – standing up for those needs, is, after all, making it about you, right?
 
When you’re used to ignoring what you need and how you feel, it makes sense that taking care of yourself feels unnatural. Thankfully, self-care and selfishness aren’t the same thing – though at first it may be difficult to tell the two apart. Selfishness means thinking only of yourself to the exclusion of others, or even to their detriment. Selfishness says, “I’m better than everyone else!”
Self-worth says, “I’m equal to others.” It involves respecting yourself as a human being, recognizing your limits, and honoring your boundaries. Self-worth recognizes that it’s okay to take breaks, get a bite to eat, and say no when you need to. In the same way, it honors and respects the needs and boundaries of others.
 
Of course, sometimes your needs will conflict with someone else’s. Self-worth acknowledges that everyone’s needs matter, including yours, and seeks to make a compromise. That may mean choosing to sacrifice some of your needs at times to prioritize someone else’s – but that’s just the thing. It’s a choice, not an obligation. Choosing to sacrifice your rights isn’t the same as believing you don’t have any. And self-worth also allows others to make the same choice to prioritize your needs over theirs sometimes.
 
How do you figure out what rights you have?  Check out this list of personal rights and see what stands out to you. Which ones are easiest for you to claim? Which are the hardest? Keeping the list on hand or posting it on your fridge or mirror can help remind you what healthy self-worth looks like.
 
Check out this “Personal Bill of Rights” handout: https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Stacey

Silver Lining

It sounds good…” just look for the silver lining in that dark cloud”, “think happy thoughts”.

We as a culture are slowly surfacing from this well of toxic positivity, we are finding freedom within the dark places.
 
Freedom meaning: the freedom to feel, not free from our present issue or the Mount Everest hovering over us. Finding relationships which allow expression of our gut feelings and emotions, sitting with ourselves and with others in spaces that are mentally draining and uncomfortable, this is where we find our true selves.  This is where we notice emotional growth.
 
Toxic positivity eliminates what we need most during a difficult time: validation, acceptance, and empathy. Toxic positivity is the easy way out to brush past one’s current state, toxic positivity is selfish, and it is unnatural.

I often wonder how certain people sit in their own dark spaces with all the silver linings swirling around them.

Never worked for me, in fact someone pointing out positives usually creates a state of anger and distrust in that person. I want to surround myself with people who will withstand the storm with me, no matter how long that storm may last. 
 
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Summer

Here are two reasons why I despise toxic positivity: 

 

1. It can sound disturbingly similar to the same messages people receive from abusers: “Your feelings don’t matter.” “You’re not allowed to feel anything that inconveniences me.” “Only my problems matter; you don’t have any problems.”  It’s emotionally invalidating and can be very triggering.

2. Toxic Positivity sends the message that your problems are simply due to a lack of willpower (essentially: “your fault”). Just push harder to think differently, and you can. That quickly induces a deep sense of shame in people struggling with issues that require more interventions because of factors beyond their control. It makes it sound like if you need any other interventions (such as medication, relational support, therapy, relaxation techniques, rest, etc.) you’re somehow weaker than other people. 
 
It also keeps people from offering care to others, from asking for help when they need it, and it promotes a standard of emotion regulation that is neither natural nor achievable. If we only allow ourselves to feel happy all the time, we miss out on crucial information our bodies and emotions are trying to give us, such as what we value in life or when it’s time to set boundaries. 
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Kate

Toxic Positivity teaches children that the way we deal with difficult emotions is not to give our feelings space and work through them to acceptance. 

Instead, it teaches them to shove our true feelings down and put a superficial spin on them in the moment. i.e., those girls are being mean to you because they are intimidated by your beauty and confidence. Instead of saying, you feel hurt and disappointed that you didn’t get invited to the party when most of the girls in your class did.

Making space for these feelings teaches children that their feelings are valid.

After they explore their feelings then they can come up with a plan that makes them feel better like inviting friends from their YMCA soccer team for a sleepover that night and coming up with a ‘script’ together with mom to tell the other girls how being left out made her feel, if it will likely be accepted by the other girls. 

In the differently abled community, there’s a lot of the “you’re so strong, you never complain” kind of sentiments when it would help to know that it is ok to be tired and frustrated by compensating for neurodivergence or physical disability.

Navigating a world that wasn’t built for the body and/or brain that you have isn’t always a fun adventure and it is important to be able to ask for the support you need and to be confident you’ll be met with understanding and not empty, pseudo positive, spin. 

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Morgan

3 positivity statements and why I hate them. 

The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.

This statement is not only unrealistic but promises an outcome that’s not true.  I’m wondering if the person wrote this has any family members at all. Or has been in public spaces?  Negative people are everywhere.  We can all probably name someone in our family who has been negative at times.  We can all think of a time WE have been negative at times. 

What is it like to just not respond to negative people? Does it give you more peace? I think it’s possible to find peace by picking your battles with people. But this is usually with people you aren’t in regular contact with or aren’t in a long-term relationship with-like your grandma or neighbor. 

Another issue with this statement is that it can be enabling someone to continue their pattern of negativity, which steals your peace overtime. It wears down your serene bubble until it bursts and you’re more tense, angry and hurt than ever before.  So maybe responding to someone’s negativity actually brings you more peace???

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

This one makes me want to 🤢.  Should I just leave it at that?  For anyone who has seen hardship of any kind, this can be tone deaf to our experience. 

We all struggle with how to be grateful for what we have.  We want to see the beauty in our everyday life, but it’s not at the exclusion of the difficulty, the struggle.  It’s an oversimplification of life and makes it seem like there is a space of happiness we confined if we just look.  I.E., if you’re not happy, you’re not trying hard enough. 

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

I have so many problems with this.  Do YOU always feel like sunshine? Does your best friend always feel like sunshine?  

First of all, this is (obviously) unrealistic, but secondly, it’s encouraging us to distance ourselves from those who challenge us.  If everyone did this, no one would grow or change and no one would to to therapy. 

Surrounding ourselves with people who are kind and caring is important, but friction in relationships helps to sharpen us. It is a sign of maturity to have the emotional resilience to withstand conflict and challenge in relationships.

Toxic positivity is based in an assumption that we can go through life without struggle, without friction, without uncertainty, and without pain.

Toxic positivity attempts to sidestep all of these so we can find real peace, happiness, and sunshine. This works as long as you don’t go through anything hard. But as soon as you face something that hurts like when a friend betrays you or someone says a negative comment, you realize you can’t find all those happy feelings. 

What’s worse, you begin to blame yourself for losing touch with that peace, that happiness and that sunshine. It also becomes a problem when you act contrary to these mantras. Like when YOU ARE the negative person in someone’s life, or when YOU ARE causing someone else to feel unhappy, and you ARE NOT the sunshine that someone needs.

We shame ourselves for being “negative and ungrateful” and feel inferior to others. Toxic positivity does so much damage to us. Even as I googled these images, I was feeling pretty good about myself. But the more I saw, I see that it doesn’t offer any real hope. A joy-filled, gritty, messy, but fulfilling life is really what I’m after.

At East Dallas Therapy we hope that you can find those people in your life who give you constructive feedback and support- not negativity.  We hope that you can show gratitude (generally) but don’t force yourself to feel happy all the time.


We hope that you show grace to others when they can’t be all you need.

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Are you gaslighting yourself?

It’s normal and healthy to question your own judgment sometimes. Nobody is perfect when it comes to decision-making, so it’s wise to consult with others and consider alternative perspectives. But when does self-questioning evolve into anxiety-inducing self-doubt?

A lot of different factors can lead to chronic self-doubt, but one major contributor is a toxic relationship where gaslighting is the norm. Gaslighting occurs when someone attempts to deceive you into believing that what you’ve seen, experienced, heard, or felt isn’t true. It’s essentially saying, “That never happened, you’re just imagining things!”
 
This isn’t the same thing as correcting a misunderstanding or attempting to explain a different perspective on an issue. Gaslighting is when someone knowingly lies about reality. Often people will gaslight to avoid taking responsibility for a wrongdoing. To distract from their behaviors, they claim that others are crazy or delusional.
 
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship – whether with a romantic partner, parent, friend, boss, or even system within society itself. But the more often it occurs in the relationship, the more likely the person on the receiving end will begin to experience self-doubt. This is because gaslighting plays on our natural instinct to check and make sure we’re doing the right thing. When someone else is constantly questioning you, it’s easy to begin second-guessing everything you do!

That’s when gaslighting gets internalized. Pretty soon, the person doing the gaslighting doesn’t even have to be around anymore for the self-doubt to persist, because you begin gaslighting yourself:

                “Was that person rude? No, I’m probably being too sensitive again.”

                “I don’t think this career is right for me. Of course, I’m probably just

                 taking things too seriously.”

                “I shouldn’t feel this way. Why do I always have to be so dramatic?”

The messages you end up telling yourself are that you’re not capable, not good enough, and not trustworthy. But even if you’ve experienced gaslighting, you’re not doomed to remain stuck in self-doubt forever. Part of healing is learning how to trust your gut again.
Here are some steps you can take to rebuild trust in yourself:
1.       If you catch yourself gaslighting your own experience, ask yourself, “where did I first learn this message?”
2.       Think about times in your life when you’ve made decisions for yourself that turned out well.
3.       Follow through on your word to yourself. For example, if you tell yourself you’re going to take a break after a busy day, make sure you take a break.
4.       Listen to your body’s needs. Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full. Stay hydrated. Check your energy levels and get good rest.
5.       Check with people you trust to see if they agree with your judgment. The words of people who are validating can help replace the words of the person gaslighting.

For more information about gaslighting, read this article on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

What You Resist, Persists

It’s a paradox but it’s true. The more we try to push something away the more is seems to follow us. We do this with negative thoughts or bad memories. We feel it coming on and we try to push past it. Depending on how you’re wired, you might struggle against those thoughts. Or you might give in and let them flood you. Either way, it is persisting in your mind, sometimes getting caught in your body.
 
I struggle with self-doubt. Sometimes I feel not good enough. I strive to be better and be more. I feel like I need to earn my rest, and I think I have to prove that I belong.
 
These kinds of thoughts pop up all the time. I have let anxiety take me under in times of my life. And I have wrestled with it and tried to rise above it in other times in my life. But after trying both of these, I can tell you, my fears and limiting beliefs still persisted.
 
I have discovered that what seems to take the power out of these thoughts is acceptance as I’ve read about acceptance and commitment therapy created by Dr Russ Harris. These thoughts are like a giant scary monster towering over me, when I choose acceptance rather than to wrestle, the air is released, and it deflates.
 

A few things about acceptance:

  • It doesn’t mean you are letting yourself live according to that belief, fear or though.
  • It doesn’t mean it will never change.
  • It won’t make you feel instantly happier.

But what acceptance DOES DO:

  • It regulates the nervous system so you can make choices rather than reacting out of emotions.
  • After acceptance you can commit to a different action, behavior or thought.
  • It helps you accept where you are now, then commit to changing.
  • You build self-compassion rather than shaming yourself.
Wanna know more about this??
Read The Happiness Trap
 
Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Discovering Your Relationship Values

If you struggle with trusting yourself when it comes to finding a healthy romantic relationship, here’s an exercise you can use to tune in to what’s most important to you:

1. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns.

2. Title the first column: “Red Flags”

In this column, make a list of warning signs that show you somebody probably isn’t right for you. Consider what traits or qualities about past relationships you didn’t like. Red flags can include certain words or phrases, character qualities, specific behaviors, or lack thereof. You can also include things you just don’t prefer in a partner.

Examples: “rarely apologizes” “lack of affection,” “tells me I’m too sensitive,” “criticizes my appearance,” “doesn’t like sports,” “always wants to stay at home,” “always wants to go out,” “doesn’t like my friends”.

Begin comparing potential partners to this list. The more red flags you notice, the more likely the relationship won’t be rewarding for you in the long run.

3. Title the second column: “Green Flags”

For green flags, list what you’re looking for in a partner. What values are important to you that you want them to share? What character qualities make you feel safe to be yourself? If you have trouble coming up with any, think about friends, family members, or others in your life who you’ve felt safe with in the past. What led you to feel that way? Remember, these are the things you value and prefer. It’s okay if your list doesn’t look the same as someone else’s. 

Examples: “honest,” “loves animals,” “good listener,” “kind,” “let’s me know how they feel,” “gives good hugs,” “enjoys traveling,” “likes the same music,” “works hard,” “volunteers for similar causes,” “laughs easily”

You may not find someone who shows every green flag on your list, but the more green flags you notice, the better!

4. Title the third column: “Dealbreakers”

Dealbreakers are similar to red flags, but much more serious. You may meet someone who has one or two red flags, but they have so many green flags the relationship is still worth pursuing. Dealbreakers, however, are your signs that the relationship must end immediately. The person can have all the green flags in the world, but if they cross even one of these lines, it’s over. Dealbreakers are the qualities and behaviors you absolutely cannot live with.

Examples: “hates my family,” “physically abusive,” “manipulative,” “wants me to quit my job and move,” “doesn’t want to start a family,” “controlling,” “refuses to work,” “criminal behaviors,” “compulsive liar,” “unwilling to travel”

 Note that some of the examples, such as not wanting to start a family, are personal preferences. Again, your dealbreakers don’t have to look like everybody else’s. Think about what you specifically wouldn’t be able to tolerate in a relationship.

Identifying what you personally value in relationships can help you begin to develop an internal compass and point you in a more intentional direction.

Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry for Being Sorry

Do you ever find yourself over-apologizing?

 In his book on complex PTSD, Pete Walker tells the story of a time he accidentally ran into a chair and found himself apologizing to it. That moment opened his eyes to a deeper issue: constantly apologizing even when unnecessary.

If this sounds like your experience, you may find yourself apologizing for many things that are totally outside your control. Family and friends may call you out on it just to hear the response once more: “I’m sorry!”

While there can be many different causes to this issue, chronic over-apologizing can also be a sign of a trauma response. For those who have been through relational trauma in particular, the underlying message of “sorry” is often

“I’m sorry for being here. I’m such a problem. I’m sorry for being me.”

It can initially develop as a survival skill when you’re stuck in a toxic relationship. The apologies involve blaming yourself to appease the other person and prevent their rage, punishment, or neglectful behaviors. Sometimes this survival skill works, or at least lessens the damage. However, it often becomes overgeneralized. Due to the constant fear of getting in trouble, you find yourself apologizing everywhere you go, no matter who you’re with. And after blaming yourself for everything so many times, shame sets in.

When you’ve been over-apologizing for so long, how do you break the habit? The first thing to do is notice yourself apologizing. Whenever you catch yourself saying sorry, take a moment to ask yourself some questions:

  • What am I apologizing for?
  • Would I expect someone else to apologize for the same thing?
  • What do I want my apology to accomplish?
  • How do I feel right now?
  • What do I sense I need most in this moment?

These questions can help you figure out if you’re apologizing for healthy reasons (such as for missing a deadline or losing your temper with a friend) or if it’s because you’re triggered. And once you know you’re triggered, you can begin taking steps to help calm your nervous system and re-regulate.

The shame messages underlying chronic over-apologizing can be tough to combat. For more strategies, read Pete Walker’s book: “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.” You can also schedule a session with a counselor at eastdallastherapy.com.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

6 Places to Make Friends

I have noticed a trend in the last few years as a therapist.  So many people talk about feeling isolated and lonely. I think we don’t know how to make friends as adults! It’s like dating, but with less social structure around it.
 
Finding a new friend requires you to show up to “dates” with new friends (strangers), not knowing what they are like. It can feel vulnerable, boring, and time consuming! So, this is your encouragement to keep trying!  Commit to those people in your life regularly. Convenience is sometimes more important than finding someone you perfectly click with.
 
Relationships are based in shared experiences. That means you have to show up over and over and build those memories together.  There are people out there with the same desires as you. I KNOW people in your community want connection and real relationships that will last a lifetime just like you do. None of us want to go into the next few decades of your life as an island trying to be self-sufficient.

Here are some easy ways to meet new friends.

1. Join a running club or workout group. Some of my faves are: Caulfield Dance, Bar Method, and Dallas Running Club
2. Attend an artsy workshop- Rachel Larlee Creates, Dallasites list of art workshops
3. Attend an art opening or lecture- Art House Dallas has so many amazing events
4. Start a book club in your neighborhood (remember convenience is important!)
5. Throw a patio party. Invite who you know and have them invite someone else!
6. For new moms, join your neighborhood moms’ group- most areas have one that holds events for you with or without babies.
With most of these activities this won’t launch you into deep relationships. It will take you stepping out and engaging with people. So, after getting comfortable in some of these settings ask if people to do something else. It WILL NOT feel natural at first, but it will grow over time.

I want to normalize how weird this process is as an adult! But it’s possible to build a community that brings you fulfillment and connection.

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

It Wasn’t That Bad

Some days you might look at your symptoms and triggers and think to yourself, “I’ve been through so much it’s overwhelming!”

Trauma feels like the perfect word to describe it. But then the next day or even the next hour rolls around, and you find yourself thinking the total opposite: “I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” After all, you can easily point to someone else who’s had it worse.  

You feel like a ping pong ball, going back and forth about what happened to you. At this point, you may assume that if you can’t settle on whether your experience was that bad, it must not be. Wouldn’t someone with real trauma feel certain about what happened to them?

Actually, no.

It’s very common for people who have experienced trauma – whether mild, moderate, or severe – to question whether anything significant really happened to them. Even those who have endured years of violence and abuse find themselves discounting their experiences.

In some ways, this is highly adaptive. Sometimes people develop a part of themselves that pretends nothing occurred so they can go on with normal life for a time. It’s too hard to feel grief, shame, or fear while you’re trying to work or study in school. Denying the trauma helps.

However, usually the person has another part of themselves that still feels all those difficult emotions, and even if that part is hidden away for a time, it never really goes away. The result can feel like an inner battle. One part of you functions well in day-to-day life by ignoring the trauma, and the other part feels crushed by the trauma and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge it.

Whenever you’re feeling divided like that, take a moment to notice which side seems to be winning out and which side is getting stifled.

Try not to judge either one. Remind yourself that both parts have helped you in the past and it’s normal to have doubts. What feelings might you be avoiding? Are there other ways you can get through the day without invalidating the hurt you still feel? Lean into your support network while you focus on bridging the gap between the two sides.  

If you want to read more about how reconcile different parts of yourself in the aftermath of trauma, check out Janina Fisher’s book: “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.”