Uncategorized

Perfectionism in unusual places

by Morgan Myers, LPC-intern

I wondered today, as I was making my lunch, if most of us deep down inside have some perfectionistic tendencies. I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist in the classic sense, because I don’t care much about living up to other people’s view of me. But I’m noticing I have very high expectations for myself. While I was making a mediocre chicken salad for lunch today I was thinking, this just isn’t good enough. It’s not creative, I don’t have the ingredients I need, or the energy to make it better. Then I thought, no one is here telling me this isn’t good enough. It was coming from my own desire to do more. It’s a silly example, but I think it illustrates my point. We all want to live up to the vision in our heads. We want to achieve our goals. Or we want to live up to other’s goals for us, and the potential others see in us. I think that’s human nature to want to improve. We want to show ourselves as perfect to others and ourselves. We probably don’t say it so bluntly, but you can find the message of perfectionism in the always and never statements we tell ourselves. I want to ALWAYS be professional, I want to ALWAYS be on time, I NEVER want to make a mistake like this again. 

Another example is a client I had a while ago who wanted to be successful as a mother so bad. She spent all her time with her kids, and couldn’t give herself a break. Then she got completely frustrated and exhausted and had to leave for the weekend to recharge. It was all or nothing. She was either a successful mom at home day and night, exhausted or had to feel guilty if she took some time away. She couldn’t see that she could care about her family and herself. She could be a good mom and do things she enjoyed that recharged her.

Photo by Todd Diemer from Unsplash

The ALWAYS and NEVER framework (perfectionism) has a rigid view of self. That rigidity can be crippling. It’s like a bowling alley where the edges of the lane move closer and closer. If you roll the ball in a very straight line, you win! If it falls in the gutter, you lose. It’s a trap. 

Maybe it’s time to consider widening the lane. Health comes in a FLEXIBLE view of self. Peace and rest come with it too.

In counseling I like to say people are a constellation of themselves. They aren’t strictly one thing. We can be any one of the stars in the constellation, depending on the day, the mood, the fact that you’re hungry or tired. It can vary depending on the life stage. All of it is you. If we can view ourselves as a constellation, we can loosen the grip on who we think we should be, and just be.  

Photo by Eidy Bambang-Sunaryo on Unsplash

If you’d like to explore this more for yourself, begin to notice when you feel those lanes closing in. It might be an ALWAYS or NEVER statement. It might be an area where you keep criticizing yourself.

Slow down.

You can be more than one thing. You can make mistakes. Your constellation will have some contradictions. (For example, fun and serious, prompt but sometimes forgetful, mom

If you have time, draw a constellation. Put at least 20 stars. Label each one with qualities you possess- good and not-so-good. Allow for contradictions. You might begin to notice some themes about who you are. Practice self-compassion and reflection.

Morgan Myers, LPC-intern
Supervised by Jessica Taylor, LPC-S

Morgan is a therapist at East Dallas Psychotherapy specializing in mothers with young kids overwhelmed by life, figuring out relationships, and dealing with depression and anxiety. For more about her click here.

Uncategorized

Soul-searching for Soul-care

My background in working as a therapist for college students at the Texas A&M University Student Counseling Service, as well as my work in college student ministry has given me an appreciation for the journey from adolescence to adulthood. This season in every person’s life often comes with a unique set of challenges. Emerging adulthood is ripe with opportunity, possibility, and potential. The hard work in this phase of life is discovering your unique identity while not molding yourself into an imitation of someone else. Emerging adulthood provides an opportunity to thoughtfully examine our lived experiences, growth edges, and symptoms with wonder and curiosity, discovering the potential that is latent within us.

One book that has influenced my work as a therapist is Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life. In it, he writes about approaching each day with mindfulness, learning how to gain greater depth and meaning from our experiences in the world through reflection. Rather than medicating pain, smoothing out abnormalities, or alleviating discomforts, he recommends approaching adversity with acceptance and stillness that he believes leads to greater insight. Moore states, “Our symptoms allow us to ask questions about what our soul needs.”

 

In practice, care of the soul is about the ongoing process and work of learning what we need to function and thrive, seeking to meet those needs in adaptive ways. Moore believes that our symptoms, if explored and reflected upon, could enlighten us to aspects of our lives where growth can occur. In my experience working with young adults, I’ve noticed that their primary focus is external, of goal attainment, skill acquisition, and self-improvement.  Moore’s book, on the other hand, suggests an inward focus for realizing our own gifts and abilities and allowing space for them to emerge.

I genuinely hope that, wherever you are on your journey, you would graciously accept the person you are today and thoughtfully and courageously examine your dreams and desires for what your soul truly needs.

Uncategorized

What is sand tray therapy??

One of my favorite activities as a therapist is to use sand tray with my clients- typically I use this once my clients are really comfortable in counseling and have gotten to know me well. Sometimes people can’t really identify what it is that’s going on- they might be overwhelmed, confused, or uncertain. Sand tray can be a way to get those emotions out without having to say a word. We use the metaphor of the figures instead. We often use verbal metaphors to describe our emotional situations. You’ve probably heard this before: I feel like I’m under water and I can’t seem to get my head above water, my life has lost it’s color, I feel like I won the jackpot, I feel like I live on an island and no one understands… etc. These are all ways we use metaphor to describe something that’s difficult to say.

Sometimes my clients can expand the metaphor through creative activities like sand tray. We use figures and sand- these are all symbols of what is going on inside. Clients are often fascinated by what they’re drawn to as they choose a figure to represent their situation. I have all kinds of figures: people, objects, animals, props, sets (like bridges, fences, ladders, trees, etc). These have incredible meaning, and seeing them in a tray all together usually creates a powerful moment of perspective. I like to think of it as a mental or emotional diorama. 

I have been trained in this technique and would be happy to answer any questions. If you’re interested in learning more about this, please email me at: morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or book an appointment online.

Book Online
Uncategorized

For parents of teens…

The counseling process depends on your goals and your teens goals (which can sometimes be different from each other). Many of my teen clients come in with teen depression or anxiety, social anxiety, or grief from losing someone close to them. Sometimes they’re processing the future like what career path to choose. I bet you have questions about this process- I’m happy to answer any questions before we book our first appointment. I want you to be involved as much as you would like. Call us to ask questions or click to book.

Book Online

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just I am, then I can change” -Carl Rogers

Common Teen Clients:

  • teen depression
  • teen anxiety
  • fear
  • withdrawal
  • problems in relationships like bullying, assertiveness, social media
  • test anxiety
  • grief from recent death
  • insecurity/self-confidence
Book Online
Uncategorized

A letter to the teens reading this…

You’re probably reading this because you are totally overwhelmed with life (or your parents want you to get unstuck in some way). In my office, counseling is for you. Whatever you come in with, I want to hear it and carry it with you. I’m not shocked or overwhelmed by much. I’m not thrown off by awkwardness either. I get that gaining your trust takes time and I’m willing to wait. I want to meet you right where you are. It might feel more comfortable to have your hands busy with sand, paint, drawing, or games. Or if you want to sit and talk we could do that too. I let you choose. Whatever you come in with, I’m honored you’re willing to trust me enough to show up.

Teens often come see me because they’re depressed, anxious, fearful, or someone has died and they’re grieving. You might relate to those things or you might need more self-confidence or assertiveness or want to learn how to have good relationships. Or maybe you don’t know what you want to do when high school is over and want some help to figure that out. You might identify with this or it might be totally different. I want to walk with you through whatever is going on.

“What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” -Hagrid

For parents of teens, click here
Uncategorized

The Firsts and the Foreign

Have you ever thought about what it must be like to be a kid experiencing the world for the first time? If you’ve ever been in a foreign country you remember the feeling of looking out the window and there are signs with symbols you’ve never seen and letters that seem to be pushed together to form some word that has meaning to everyone else but you. Then you see that everyone seems to be behaving in similar ways but you can’t seem to fall in line. Maybe you don’t want to fall in line. Maybe you want to rebel! Or you wish they drove on the right side of the rode and followed the appropriate amount of personal space, and didn’t talk so loudly or so quietly. You wish they were like the people in your own country.

I’ve been thinking about how a kid might encounter our world and its unspoken rules at each developmental stage with newfound awareness/confusion. We assume they will fall in line with our mini-culture in our family. We try to speed through the “learning” then “modeling” process that is our job as parents. When they learn to talk we are surprised, sometimes irritated when they speak too loudly. They scream their new words happily in the car, but then they do it in the middle of church. We forget they don’t know the difference between the car and a nice restaurant.

When they begin to have an opinion, they get to have choices. They choose their shirt for the day, they choose what drink to order. But then they think they can choose to paint on the wall too! Right? We forget they don’t know there’s a difference between those choices.

Oh lordy, what about puberty? When they begin to open their eyes to romantic relationships. This has to be like visiting the Italian Riviera for the first time, having never stepped foot out of the monotonous suburbs! They see everything in brilliant emotional color. We forget they’ve never experienced this kind of admiration, love, infatuation- even if it’s just with their own reflection! The newness of all the hormonal firsts is all consuming.

We forget that at the beginning of each of those developmental stages they get saturated by the newness. They don’t know the rules and boundaries. It’s our job to show them without judgement. Give grace. And Model! Maybe we can relive some of those moments with them. The firsts. The firsts that cause all the conflict in a family and cause us to set new limits as parents. But the firsts are where they stretch their legs and grow into the humans we hope they will be. And isn’t it exciting!?