why can’t i remember what happened?
Sometimes after you’ve been through trauma, you might find it difficult to recall what took place.
Maybe you remember fragments or flashes of it, but none of it feels connected or in order. It’s like someone picked up a bunch of puzzle pieces and scattered them all over the room – everything is out of sorts. Even when you do get an image, feeling, or sensation connected to what happened, it’s hard to put the story into words.
Sometimes it isn’t just the details that go missing – it’s whole gaps of time. For example, you may have trouble remembering anything at all from before the age of 10. Or all of grade 4 is somehow missing in your memory even though you can still recall grades 3 and 5. A gap doesn’t always mean trauma occurred, but for some people, memories of trauma get blocked out. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your brain isn’t broken. In fact, it was doing exactly its job when the trauma occurred.
When all is well, our brains encode the memories most important to our survival in ways that allow us to recount the memory in words and in chronological order. We can make sense and meaning out of our memories. But when trauma occurs, memory doesn’t get encoded the same way.
This is because the parts of our brain (such as the amygdala), that deal with threat are prioritized and kicked into high gear. Our body and brains go into an automatic response mode. Just like when you touch a hot surface and instantly pull your hand back – you don’t have to think about how to respond, because your body’s automatic functions take over.
What that means, though, is that during a traumatic experience, the parts of the brain (such as the frontal lobe), that deal with planning and analyzing go offline. And the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that helps with memory and time sequencing, also gets impaired in the moment. Your body becomes fully focused on survival instead.
Missing some details and memories after trauma is natural. However, when you can’t remember precisely what happened, and you find yourself experiencing intense emotions and reactions to triggers, it can be tempting to dismiss what you’re going through as irrational just because you don’t have an orderly, chronological story of what happened to connect everything to.
Sometimes people get caught up trying to do a memory hunt. But memory, even when encoded normally, is often imperfect. Especially when it comes to trauma, diving into the details and memories of what happened doesn’t always help, and it doesn’t always validate as much as we think it will. More often, it tends to confuse and overwhelm us instead.
If you’re missing memories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be lost forever. Sometimes old memories you haven’t thought of in forever come back when something in the environment triggers the memory – like revisiting a place from childhood, or seeing an old friend again after many years apart. Memories can come back naturally without you having to search for them.
Sometimes memories don’t come back, and that’s okay too. It can be frustrating not being able to recall a piece of your history, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from beginning to recover. The good news is, you don’t have to remember everything perfectly in order to heal from trauma.
Trauma therapy isn’t about digging up every detail from the past. It’s not about putting you on trial to assess whether or not what you went through matters. Trauma therapy is about processing the emotions related to the trauma, making them more manageable, and learning how to feel safe in the present moment. It involves beginning to find and create meaning again, regardless of what you do or don’t remember.
don’t be afraid of what you think
“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”
Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.
It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?
But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.
When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.
But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.
When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.
When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.
The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.
i’m bored
Summertime is finally here!
School is out, no more tests, and the next thing parents hear from kid is “ I’m bored”! Although summer is a time for relaxing, kids thrive on routine. It is important as a family to find a balance that works, especially during the summer months.
~ brainstorm simple tasks or activities kids can do alone and write down on
small pieces of colored paper. Place in a jar and when someone asks”
what can I do?” the Summer fun time jar will be waiting!
~ make a chore chart and earn small amounts of money for each chore.
This builds independence and kids can practice their math skills !
Examples of tasks/activities:
- Board game
- Puzzle
- Find toys to donate
- Call a relative
- Help a neighbor
- Go to the public library
- Build something with random items
- Organize something
- Write someone a letter
Staying connected as a family and avoiding Summer time stress is important! Reach out to us at East Dallas Therapy for additional support. We look forward to working with our ongoing clients once school is back and can’t wait to meet someone new that may want to give therapy a try!
setting boundaries with yourself after trauma
Part of healing from relational trauma involves learning how to set healthy boundaries with others.
Those boundaries help keep us safe, and they allow us to communicate to others what we need in order to stay connected with them. Another important step in recovery, though, is learning how to set boundaries with yourself.
Relational trauma plays a big role in damaging our understanding of how to properly care for ourselves. You may find yourself swinging between two opposite extremes: either you’re too hard on yourself and never rest, or you’re so focused on giving yourself a break that you never complete important tasks. The first leads to burnout, and the second leads to a perpetual sense of falling behind.
Boundaries teach us how to re-prioritize. To set healthy boundaries with yourself, begin by asking the question: “What would be most helpful and least harmful to me in this moment?” Most situations are both helpful and harmful in some ways, but this question gives us the opportunity to discern what choices would be most sustainable for us in the long run.
Setting boundaries with ourselves sometimes involves doing something we don’t like. For example, when you’re in that mode where you feel like you have to be productive at all costs in order to be worthy, telling yourself, “It’s time to take a 15-minute break,” can feel threatening. Or on the opposite end, when you’ve come out of a controlling relationship and have been enjoying the freedom to do whatever you want, telling yourself, “It’s time to get some work done,” can be triggering.
It may help in those moments to remind yourself that boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. The goal of setting boundaries with yourself is to care for, nurture, and challenge yourself in ways that most benefit you. That means building yourself up, not tearing down or shaming yourself.
It’s totally okay if you go to set a boundary with yourself and it brings up feelings of fear, discomfort, anger, and distress. You’re allowed to dislike slowing down, completing tasks, and even the boundaries themselves. Validate your emotions. Give them some space. Then do whatever it is you need to do to best take care of yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Trauma tries to take away confidence and replace it with self-doubt, but boundaries remind you that you aren’t abandoned or unseen. They take some practice and definitely some getting used to, but over time, healthy boundaries rebuild self-trust. There’s a greater sense of freedom that comes from knowing even trauma can’t take that away.
i’m divorced and our child is graduating
The end of the school year seems to be the most stressful time for busy families.
End of school parties, awards ceremonies, talent shows, exams, field day, graduation parties, high school graduations and college move outs and graduations. The calendars are full and if you are a parent who is divorced, your thoughts may be more focused on the navigation of these milestones and celebrations rather than the joy. Sound familiar?
Who is it for?
What are we celebrating?
shame spirals
Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.
Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.
The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:
mastering the madness: confronting anxiety and racing thoughts
Ever feel like there’s a relentless and chaotic storm brewing inside you?
That’s how it feels for me. It’s as if this unceasing tempest is constantly whirling, making it hard to find calm or clarity. Imagine an endless list of worries or a barrage of terrible outcomes that disrupt your sleep and trigger a deep sense of panic, overwhelming your mind with fear and uncertainty and threatening to gobble up your entire life.
If this is something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Anxiety is something more and more of us are grappling with it. Recognizing that you’re facing an issue is a significant first step. The path that follows can feel challenging, filled with therapy sessions, medications, and self-help techniques, all with one goal—getting the reins of your whirling thoughts and intense emotions back in your hands.
Let’s Talk about Your High Standards and Feelings of Inadequacy
Anxiety might seem complex, but it often starts with a straightforward narrative—I’m not enough. These self-esteem-crushing feelings can be fueled by sky-high expectations imposed by others or ourselves. Maybe it’s an insatiable pursuit of perfection, an impossible standard set by others, or a deep-rooted belief that you’re destined to fail unless you’re extraordinary.
These persistently lofty standards are a breeding ground for anxiety and racing thoughts. When life becomes an ongoing test with an unreachable passing score, it’s not surprising that our minds start sprinting, scared of the fallout of perceived failure.
The Birthplace of Anxiety and Racing Thoughts
Several factors can ignite anxiety, like genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. For some, it ignites during childhood when their parents hammer in the need to excel and succeed. Others might be genetically disposed to anxiety disorders, which makes them more likely to develop them when they encounter stressful situations.
Racing thoughts, a regular symptom of anxiety, surface when our minds scramble to cope with severe feelings of fear and worry. They make it immensely hard to relax, focus, or even carry on a conversation. In severe cases, racing thoughts can trigger panic attacks, a terrifying experience
that feels like everything is spiraling into chaos.
Ways to Tackle Racing Thoughts
Dealing with racing thoughts is all about having tested tools ready to help refocus your mind and break the cycle of fear and worry.
Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation
Cultivating mindfulness can transform the way you manage anxiety. By directing your attention to the present moment through meditation, you learn to observe the flurry of thoughts in your mind without getting carried away. This habit can distance you from the relentless wave of racing thoughts, providing a much-needed moment of clarity and peace.
Set a Worry Time
Designating a specific “worry time” is a psychological technique to curb racing thoughts. Pick a time each day when you’ll focus entirely on your anxieties. If anxious thoughts sneak up for the rest of the day, remind yourself to address them during your worry time. Having a fixed time for
worries helps you dictate and manage those thoughts rather than allowing them to control you.
Integrate Relaxation Techniques
Incorporate relaxation techniques into your day to combat racing thoughts. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises and indulging in pleasurable hobbies can help reduce your overall stress. Regularly practicing these methods can teach your body to chill out more effectively when anxiety strikes.
What’s Next?
Anxiety and racing thoughts can feel debilitating, but they aren’t unbeatable. By identifying the triggers and effects of anxiety and equipping yourself with practical tools, you can start to regain control over your mental health. Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Therapy can serve as a support system and a catalyst for growth, empowering you to rewrite your anxiety story and take control of your life.
By taking one step, one thought at a time, you can lead a calmer life, free from the overpowering influence of anxiety and racing thoughts. The silence you”ll experience in a mind that once was in a constant race is a blessing—a free space that lets contentment and joy flourish. You deserve nothing less when it comes to your health and well-being.
what now?
So, you have graduated college and now onto the world of “adulting”!
Reach out today so we can find the next step for you!
what if they don’t accept my boundaries?
Healthy boundaries help maintain respect, mutuality, and connection in relationships.
You get to decide which boundaries are most important for you to set with others.
It’s important to remember that boundaries are requests, not demands.
healthy boundaries while staying connected with your teen
It can be hard to know how to setup healthy boundaries with your teen. You don’t want to invade their space, but you want to make sure they are safe. We get this question a lot in therapy. How do I setup healthy boundaries for my teen, respect their boundaries, but stay connected to them?
Respecting their privacy/space
Teens prefer to have time and space either alone or with friends. Parents can be on the lookout for opportunities to engage with their teenager. Oftentimes, these are late at night or when you least expect it. Practice asking open ended questions and limit questions right after school. Be open and honest (within reason) regarding your teenage years, this will help build trust between you and your teen. Get to know your teen’s friends. Invite them over and cook a meal, order pizza, or make brownies. A creative parent can engage with teenagers while still maintaining the desired privacy of a teenager’s world.
Influence in decision making
Adolescents are in the process of maturing and becoming independent. Creating opportunities for teens to participate in decision making will help shape their critical thinking skills, build rapport between parent and teen, and demonstrate respect within the relationship.
Example: discussion of curfew in high school years. Make list of pros and cons regarding proposed times. Evaluate options and make a plan. Possibly allow for extended curfew on special occasions/improved grades/respectful attitude among family members. Ongoing communication is key!
Establishing healthy boundaries during the teen years takes practice and requires much patience. Expect there to be ups and downs, be willing to make changes as needed, and know that it’s okay to make mistakes. Parents that choose to hold their teens accountable within a loving environment foster responsibility and resilience.
Withdrawn vs typical teen behavior
Teenagers often display big feelings and reactions! What is considered normal? When do we need to seek help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents? It is normal for teenagers to sleep more, make poor choices in eating habits, display “moody” behavior, and at times turn your world upside down. Watching for changes in these normal adolescent behaviors can help parents identify when it might be time to seek help. The adolescent brain is working in overtime as transformation is taking place and studies show half of all genetic mental disorders begin to develop by age 14.
Here is what anxiety/depression can look like:
Overall disruption within family dynamics
Changes in friend groups/having no plans with friends
Withdrawn more than usual
Not turning in assignments/drop in overall grades
Changes in eating habits
Sleeping more than normal or not being able to fall or stay asleep
Angry outbursts over small matters
If your teenager is exhibiting any of these signs and your gut tells you something seems “off” it is time to find support. Normal adolescent behavior vs. possible signs of a mood disorder can be determined by a mental health therapist. Working alongside families with teenagers, meeting with teens on an individual basis, and providing additional education and resources is something I am passionate about. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.
ADHD & parenting: when to seek a diagnosis
ADHD is one of those strange things that feels like it’s everywhere…
and it seems like everyone has either a formal or informal diagnosis of ADHD.
Here are some things to consider:
-Has my child always had difficulty with focus, impulsivity or executive functioning tasks?
-Does my child seem emotionally delayed compared to his/her friends?
-Do I (or does my child’s other parent) have an ADHD diagnosis, or would this diagnosis make sense for other family members?
-Does your child have gross motor difficulties (would you call them clumsy or accident prone)?
-Is your child or family going through a time of stress, loss or transition?
-Is there a significant spike in the number of students suggested diagnosis in your child’s class or school?
-Do you have a gut feeling one way or another? As a parent you are the expert on your child and your parent gut is very important and we want to make sure that is given space.
Please reach out if you would like to discuss a possible ADHD diagnosis for your child.
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Recent Posts
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Morgan’s Latest Updates August 21,2024
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why can’t i remember what happened? August 15,2024
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don’t be afraid of what you think August 13,2024
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i’m bored July 15,2024
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setting boundaries with yourself after trauma July 15,2024
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i’m divorced and our child is graduating July 15,2024
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shame spirals June 24,2024
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