Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Our Most Recommended Books By Age Group

Littles and Pre-K Kids

No Drama Discipline – By Daniel J. J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson 

  • This is a parenting book on how to stay calm when your child isn’t calm. This book helps you combine connection and clear limits every time your child needs discipline.

The Way I Feel – By Janan Cain

  • A simple book on feelings. We like to read it to our kid clients and ask them about times they’ve felt those feelings.

Charlotte and the Quiet Place – By Deborah Sosin and Sara Woolley 

  • A great description of what it feels like when you’re overstimulated and overwhelmed and what they can do about it.

Moody Cow Meditates – By Kerry Lee MacLean

  • This books is really cute and I think many parents with more “outspoken” kids will relate to it! It does a really good job describing anger and how to calm the internal storm.

Elementary

Jabari Jumps – By Gaia Cornwall

  • This is an inspiring story of a kid struggling with anxiety around trying a new skill, his dad supported him and celebrated with him when he did it. 

Sitting Still Like a Frog – By Eline Snel

  • This book introduces mindfulness techniques in a child-friendly way

Blessing of a Skinned Knee – By Wendy Mogel, PhD

  • This book is helpful for parents struggling with over-parenting, wanting to raise self-controlled, self-reliant children.

Whole Brain Child – By Daniel Siegel & Tina Bryson

  • This book explains the Interpersonal Neurobiology of Children and how to work with them to help regulate their emotions and enjoy childhood more mindfully. 

9-12 Tweens

Brainstorm – By Daniel J Siegel

  • This explains the changes that happen in the adolescent brain and it also provides discussion guides for parents and children. 

Untangled – By Lisa Damour, PhD

  • This book guides parents through seven important transitions from childhood to womanhood addressing a girl’s inner and outer world. 

The Care and Keeping of You (Revised): The Body Book for Younger Girls – By Valorie Schaefer

  • This book is forthright description of a girls changing body. I recommend parents read it first so that they’re prepared to answer questions and discuss the topics further with their girls.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt

Gratitude

“You should be grateful” is a phrase you may tell yourself sometimes, or you may hear it from others. On the surface, it seems harmless enough. After all, gratitude is a virtue. But the unspoken message behind it is often “You should be grateful instead of feeling upset.” That kind of message easily leads to shame: “I’m a bad person because of the way I feel.”

But gratitude doesn’t have to be so invalidating. You’re allowed to feel upset. You don’t have to celebrate the heartbreaking moments in life in order to be grateful, and you don’t have to ignore them either.

True gratitude isn’t a ban on all difficult emotions, it’s just a way of balancing out what we feel. When feeling depressed or angry, it can be easy to forget the positive things in life and fall into despair. Practicing gratitude is a way to keep us from forgetting the things we actually do enjoy. It reminds us that even when times are hard there are still good things in life. Even when we feel upset, there’s still hope.

For more information, contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com.

Uncategorized

Parenting From a Place of Value

Parenting is difficult in every generation. Currently though, it is so hard because we are dealing with not only how our parents parented us, how our friends are parenting their kids, and what the latest parenting book says. We are also faced with how influencers on social media, experts on podcasts and literally every person we’ve met since high school (thank you social media) is handling every minute problem of parenting. There are so many voices and they all have an air of importance and authority. How can you know what is best for your family? How can you get off this wild carousel?

What about learning to parent from a place of personal values instead of peer pressure or indecisiveness?

Consider these questions and process them with your co-parent to identify your values:

  • Where do we spend the majority of our time and our money? When we have to choose between two important things, which one usually wins out?
  • If I have a day where I feel like a great mom/dad what have I spent the day focused on or what feedback did I get from my kids?
  • Whose approval really matters to me as a parent (note: not whose approval should matter or whose I wish matters but whose really does).
  • If I have a rough parenting day, when my head hits the pillow I think, “that was a dumpster fire of a day but I hope my kids still know__________________.”
  • Imagine that your child is a young adult coming home for a visit with the person they are seriously dating. You have some time alone with their significant other, and they say to you, “I’m grateful to be in a relationship with someone who (fill in the blank).” Try to come up with a list of at least three and no more than five things. It could be hardworking, empathetic listener, gracious with those in need, spiritually attuned, etc. Try to be as specific as you need to to identify what it will take to parent this kind of person. 

Once you identify your values, quiet the voices that go against your parenting values. This may mean unfollowing some social media accounts, taking certain books to the used book store for resale or repeating a mantra when your Aunt Karen gives you parenting advice that doesn’t fit for you. It could be something like, “We will parent from a place of value, not of pressure.”

If you need more help sorting through your value system in order to parent from a place of value consider seeing a therapist for parental coaching. If you have any questions about this topic, feel free to contact me (Kate) here at East Dallas Therapy!

Anxiety

What’s the difference between fear and wisdom?

It’s hard to know the difference between feeling unsafe or uncomfortable and when we’re actually in danger. When we feel unsafe we’re bringing in our past experiences and our anxieties. But when we’re in danger we’re actually at risk.

It’s important to define what wisdom is and what it sounds like to you. As situations come up and you have to make a decision, wisdom will always lead you with courage and caution. Here are some helpful ways to differentiate fear and wisdom:

  1. Wisdom can take a calculated risk- it can imagine a positive outcome, as well as an unfortunate outcome.
  2. Wisdom is slow and reflective.
  3. Fear is reactive and visceral. It can’t image a positive outcome and gives you tunnel vision.
  4. Wisdom is the path that leads to more joy even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes.
  5. Fear leads to anxiety and hiding.

So for you, how do you know which mode you’re in?? Take a moment and write down what fear feels like in your body, how do you show that you are afraid? Is it jumpiness? Tension in your neck? Shutting down? getting busy?

What does fear sound like in your head? What do your thoughts sound like? Racing thoughts? Overgeneralizing the negative outcomes? Triggering past memories? Maybe it’s minimizing the risks and you fight through it? Not stopping to consider the possible outcomes?


Then take a moment and ask yourself what does wisdom feel like in your body? How does it express itself? And what does wisdom sound like in your head? 

We can all be led to take calculated risks and embrace change when we understand what wisdom feels like and what wisdom sounds like. We can also be led into hiding and anxiety if we let fear take control. But between the stimuli and the reaction there is space to choose. You can choose wisdom and joy!

If you want to process your fears and how you make decisions reach out to us! Email us at morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or click here read more about us.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Stressed About What Others Think

Sometimes unhealthy relationships give you weird skills. For instance, you may realize you pick up on the tiniest changes in facial expressions. Others don’t even notice, but you’re already registering someone else’s body language and slight variations in tone. You can guess what others are thinking and feeling before they even say a word.

That’s called mindreading, and many people do it. In fact, sometimes people expect you to do it. That’s how you acquired the skill in the first place. Maybe you grew up in a family where direct communication was discouraged. If you didn’t guess what people wanted before they said something, you got in trouble or were accused of not loving them enough to figure it out.

Or maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship that required a lot of mindreading. You may have gotten used to constantly scanning conversations for warning signs of the next meltdown or blowup. In any case, mindreading helped you avoid danger. You learned to read the cues so you could either step in to prevent something bad from happening or run away from it.

As useful as it is, though, mindreading comes with its own problems. For one thing, accurately guessing what others think 100% of the time is impossible! Spending so much energy on reading between the lines can be exhausting. Plus, the more you try to guess what other people think, the more likely you are to eventually misunderstand them.

While mindreading may have been a useful tool to have in a toxic relationship, it may no longer work as well in other relationships. This is because abusive relationships teach you to expect the negative. For example, if a friend doesn’t reply to your text, you automatically assume the negative – they don’t like you anymore – rather than assuming the positive – they’re just busy and will get back to you later.

When you feel tempted to mindread, it can be helpful to remind yourself:

·         Mindreading helped me survive…

·         …but it’s an impossible task that puts too much pressure on me.

·         It’s not my responsibility to guess what others want/think/feel.

·         If others want something, they can clearly communicate their needs to me.

·         Instead of stressing and guessing, I can ask others what they think.

Mindreading can happen so automatically you don’t notice when you’re doing it. If you’d like some help figuring out how to let go of stressing over what others think, set up an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com or contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com.

Uncategorized

Trying to be Perfect

“I have to keep running toward my goals to catch up. I already feel so behind.” “I need to keep smiling and pretending I have it all together. No one can see my flaws.”  “Everyone expects me to be the helper. I can’t disappoint them.” “If I make a mistake, I am a failure. And no one likes a failure.” Do you recognize any of these scripts? Do they reflect your internal dialogue?


In the world of perfectionism and performance, these high-stakes scripts can be the water we swim in. When we slow down and hear these messages out loud, their false arguments can easily be spotted . However, some of us live with these tapes running on repeat through our minds, unchecked. 


There are likely good reasons some of us have these scripts. Maybe a parent, coach or mentor sent the message that we must never fail loud and clear. Maybe we experienced mistakes paired with rejection and vowed never to experience that pain again. Maybe the belief of not being enough was adopted somewhere along the way. Thus, striving to be perfect, to hide flaws, to always provide value became auto-pilot. 


The perfectionism mindset can be very helpful in some ways. It can push us to be good students, athletes, moms, business owners, etc. We can be highly motivated by messages of shame and rejection. Unfortunately, this way of operating can also lead to severe anxiety, burn out, depression, and anger. So, how do we rewrite our internal dialogue? How do we hire a new internal voice?


1. Practice radical self-acceptance.
If we come from a place of value and worth, we can parent, work, and live well without the emotional and mental fallout.
2. Align values with actions.
Living a value driven life looks much different than a perfectionism driven life. Determine your deepest values and consistently remind yourself that living congruently with them is important.
3. Get comfortable with failure. 
Story after story in history tells us that perfectionism does not lead to success, but that failure, risk, and resilience do. Try things you are not good at and be willing to make mistakes. 

Mistakes, needs, limits, strengths, abilities, resilience, and all the qualities that make up each of us, are woven together in a beautiful tapestry that we call humanity. Let’s give ourselves the freedom to be human today and let perfectionism fall away.

Anxiety, Deconstruction, Faith

Deconstruction is Destabilizing

Deconstruction. What does that mean? We don’t see deconstruction in every day life. The closest thing might be ground zero, an imploded building or a bunch of computer parts pulled out. What is deconstruction anyway? I think we all hear about this word a lot and I haven’t seen many able to reconstruct after the destruction,  hmmmhmmm I mean deconstruction is done. 

It is very destabilizing when people begin to take away long held beliefs that once provided a firm foundation to your identity. Everything comes into question. Questioning these things coupled with shame that usually originates from the church, makes it difficult to distinguish what we really believe anymore. 

With my clients we talk about holding on to those aspects of faith and religious life that still feel authentic. Not just those things you “make yourself believe” but those concepts and beliefs about God that feel real and essential. Deconstruction can often feel like you are tossed from doubt to shame to anger to bitterness to doubt again, then grasping for hope and finding it is ill-fitting for the present version of yourself.

One thing that has seemed to help people walking through this time is to ask,

What do you know? What do you believe? What seems important in your spiritual walk?

I know there is a lot you don’t know- a lot of uncertainty. Take away the shoulds. Let yourself express those beliefs you hold now. 

I’ve never encountered someone who couldn’t come up with at least one belief that remains. Even if it’s more ambiguous than it once was, or more gray. It’s ok. You can’t should your way through deconstruction. You have to let yourself be right where we are. 

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Uncategorized

Our Nerves Are Fried

Our nerves are fried.


It’s been one of the most challenging years. We have faced a lifetime of ups and downs within the span of a few months. If you are squeezed in any one essential area of life it can feel like your whole foundation has been rocked. These essential areas are what we build our lives on: our financial security, our health, our close relationships, our view of God, our views of the world. They have been flipped on their heads during the pandemic.

And now we’re facing a second or third wave of COVID. Which brings a second or third wave of fear, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, outrage at our politics, and uncertainty about our future.
We’re all feeling it. 

Even in the middle of the fear though, we have to remember we’ve been here before. We learned some things the first time. If we hadn’t learned to cope with this the first time, we would still be curled up in a ball on the floor. Maybe we did curl up in a ball for a bit. But we figured out how to get back up. 

So I wonder, what helped you get back up? What fear did you learn to soothe? What white hot anxiety did you learn to abate? Remembering that can help you this time. 

I think it has something to do with bringing your attention to what you can control. For me it’s this belief: If my family, my kids, my garden, and my dog are here with me, I’m ok. I can be ok when the world is not ok.

I can be ok when the world is not ok.

It could be this: 
Other’s judgements and opinions have nothing to do with me. I don’t have to doubt my decisions because someone else does.

I don’t have to doubt my decisions just because someone else does.

Marriage Counseling, Trauma

Under the Anger

Sometimes anger feels like a runaway train that has gone off the rails and is barreling into a village of innocent bystanders. Sometimes shame can creep in and envelop our whole world when we receive an offhand comment from a spouse, are left out by a group of friends, or don’t get the promotion we wanted. Rarely do these reactive emotions connect us to loved others. What Les Greenberg and Sue Johnson label as “secondary emotions,” are these feelings that come up as defensive and protective reactions to “primary emotions.” Vulnerable, primary emotions often lie under the surface, being shielded from our awareness because we don’t feel safe to experience emotions like hurt or fear. 


In relationships, secondary emotions can lead to defensive or aggressive behaviors that create distance rather than connection. So, why do we lash out when it would be more helpful to share vulnerably? Some of us have learned that it is not safe to share these tender feelings with others (in childhood or in other intimate relationships) because we tried and were ignored, shut down, or squashed in the process. Thus, shame, anger, and their friends stepped in to keep us a little safer and more distant from people in our lives. 


Because of the way our brains love to make strong pathways, these secondary emotions can feel automatic and guide so much of how we respond to others. Thus, we are left feeling isolated, guarded, and defensive. However, when we  can compassionately observe our true, primary feelings and share them vulnerably with trusted others, we can be heard, empathized with, and feel truly connected. 

If you want to learn more, you can contact brylee@eastdallastherapy.com or go to eastdallastherapy.com to set up an appointment. 

Anxiety, Self-doubt, Trauma

Why didn’t I fight back?

You may have heard about the body’s danger responses: fight and flight. But there’s another secret weapon the body uses to defend itself: the freeze response.

The freeze response can make you feel paralyzed and numb. Instead of fighting or running away from a threat, you’re simply stuck, unmoving. You may panic on the inside and feel trapped in your head, or you may blank out, go limp, or feel like you’re floating away from yourself. In any case, the freeze response can also leave you riddled with self-blame, asking yourself, “Why didn’t I move? Why did I just let that happen to me?”

 

 

But the freeze response isn’t a conscious choice. It’s a totally automatic response to danger, just like fight or flight. When your body detects an immediate threat, it makes a split-second judgment on how to respond to best protect you.

For example, think about if you accidentally rest your hand on a hot stovetop. You don’t get a chance to stop and think about all your options while your hand burns. No, your body immediately jumps into action before you can blink! You may shout or pull your hand away before you realize what’s happening. The part of your brain that deals with planning and decision making doesn’t get a chance to figure out what to do in the situation – and that’s exactly what keeps your hand from getting burned even worse. Automatic responses are crucial to survival.  

 

 

The freeze response is the same way. It’s your body’s way of managing a threat it has judged as inescapable. Freezing can come in handy when you’re faced with a wild animal (holding still so maybe it ignores you) or an opponent much larger than you are (where fighting might just get you more hurt). In a hopeless situation, it can even protect you from feeling physical pain. Kids are especially likely to experience a freeze response when faced with a threat because they don’t have as much strength or as many options open to them as adults do.

But even as an adult faced with a situation where you can clearly get away or win a fight, your body might freeze instead. Again, it’s an automatic response your body chooses for you, not a conscious decision on your part. If your body is used to freezing to survive danger, it’s more likely to resort to that same familiar response.  

Others may have different automatic responses than you do to similar situations. It can be hard to resist the urge to compare, but one response isn’t better than any other. Fight, flight, and freeze are all necessary physical responses to threat.

If you want to learn more about what to do when you freeze, you can contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com or go to eastdallastherapy.com to set up an appointment. 

Self-Care, Trauma

Exhausted from Caretaking?

Caretaking is an others-focused way of living where you spend most of your time and energy trying to help people. On the surface, it may look a lot like caring, but there are some key differences. For one, caretaking behavior is accompanied by the nagging underlying belief that “I don’t matter.”

Consider whether any of these signs of caretaking apply to you: 

·         I never ask others for help. 

·         I tend to be the giver in all my relationships. 

·         I believe if I can fix somebody’s problem, I must. 

·         I find myself listening to everyone else’s problems, but I rarely talk about my own.

·         I feel guilty telling others “no.”  

·         I believe others matter more than I do.

·         I tend to ignore my own needs. 

People who struggle with caretaking come across as very selfless. They listen more than they speak. They are quick to empathize and lend a helping hand. They shower others with encouragement. But too often, the compassion they extend to others is not something they give to themselves. 

The result? Exhaustion. It is common for those who caretake to live in a constant cycle of burnout. When they have energy, it’s quickly spent on those who’ve come to depend on them. That can cause the person caretaking to feel depleted, fearful, depressed, or even resentful. They may isolate themselves from others until they finally have energy to spend again, only to be drained once more.  

There are many reasons why you might find yourself trapped in this cycle. Maybe you grew up in an environment that overemphasized self-sacrifice and labeled getting your needs met as selfish. Or maybe you took on the parentified role in your family, expected to look after your siblings or parents from a very young age. Caretaking is also a common result of trauma. Feelings of shame reside at the core of trauma, and often those who carry shame try to battle against it by people-pleasing to gain approval. But the sense of finally being good enough is always fleeting. 

So how do you break the cycle? Start to focus more on you. Putting forth the effort to heal and grow frees us up to be more caring to others! When we learn how to meet our own needs, there is less exhaustion, fear, and shame holding us back. 

It also helps to remember the motto, “never do for others what they can do for themselves.” Encouraging others to use the tools they have empowers people to feel more capable and confident in themselves. For example, rather than making it your life mission to cheer up a depressed friend, truly caring for them might still involve listening, but also reminding them of the things they can do that help them feel better.

You’ll be much better prepared to care for others when you’ve had time to tackle your own problems, recharge, and show compassion to yourself. Caretaking comes from a place of depletion, but caring comes from a place of wholeness.

Marriage Counseling, Trauma

How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Partner

“Oh no, it’s happening again. I want to tell him I’m upset, but I can’t seem to speak.”

“I just threw a tantrum over nothing, like some little kid. I feel so silly! What’s wrong with me?”

 

 

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not crazy. It’s common for childhood trauma to show up in unexpected ways, especially in close relationships with others. A certain tone or phrase from your partner can trigger an intense reaction that feels out of place in the moment. Even if you know your partner didn’t mean any harm, you may find yourself overwhelmed with such strong emotions that you feel out of control. Often, these feelings stem from the past. Even if they’re buried deep down, unprocessed emotions have a tendency of leaking out again when we least expect it.

 

 

Because childhood trauma so often involves our earliest relationships, it makes sense that old patterns of coping show up in our most intimate relationships. Your mind is always vigilant, ready to protect you from any perceived relational threat. Even if your partner is supportive, your trauma may convince you that you don’t deserve their love. If your partner has a hard time understanding, invalidating messages like “you’re too sensitive” or “stop being so emotional” can trigger you all over again. So how do you keep past trauma from wreaking havoc in the here and now?

 

 

This is why it’s so important to find a counselor you feel safe with. Working with a trauma counselor can help you identify old relational patterns and triggers, and cope with the overwhelming emotions that follow. When you experience new ways of relating in the context of a safe relationship, old patterns begin to change, promoting healthier relationships with others. Past trauma affects the present – but it doesn’t always have to. 

If you would like to hear more about how childhood trauma can affect your relationship with your partner, you can contact Summer Greenlee, LPC Associate.

Here is the link to learn more about Summer:

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