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Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

i blame myself for everything

To some degree, self-blame is normal.

Most people wrestle with self-blame from time to time, especially when under high stress. Sometimes the self-blame is warranted, sometimes it isn’t. But when you struggle with chronic self-blame, it’s as if everything (including the actions, feelings, and motivations of other people) automatically gets categorized as “my responsibility” and therefore, “my fault.” The constant self-blame can feel like you’re always carrying around a tremendous weight, or under a crushing load of pressure. When you believe it’s your job to control everything, you easily end up feeling overwhelmed and out of control on a regular basis.

Chronic self-blame can arise for a lot of different reasons. For some people, it was regularly modeled by others in their lives, so they naturally picked up the habit. For others, self-blame may be learned through social, cultural, or religious circles where it gets equated with politeness or humility. However, in some cases, chronic self-blame can also stem from trauma and/or childhood attachment wounds.

In his book “Trauma Model Therapy,” Dr. Colin Ross refers to something called “the locus of control shift,” which happens specifically with trauma survivors who struggle with severe self-blame. Locus of control is a fancy term that essentially means “the location of control.”  An internal locus of control assigns control to “me” or to what’s inside/the self. An external locus of control assigns control to what is outside of “me,” such as other people or the environment.

Young kids naturally start out with a strong internal locus of control. Until their brains become more fully developed, they assume that everything centers around them and they control it all. This isn’t bad or narcissistic, it’s just a natural part of the developmental process. As they grow older, their internal locus of control starts to balance out more with an external locus of control. They learn that they can control some things (internal locus), but not everything (external locus). They have an easier time understanding many different perspectives at once, and noticing multiple factors beyond them that can influence a situation.

The problem is, when young kids grow up in unsafe environments with unsafe relationships – such as households where abuse, neglect, addiction, or severe mental illness are present – they end up having to face a situation where the very people they need in order to survive are also the same people who frighten or harm them. This can create so much inner conflict for a young child, and so much constant loss of control, that the internal locus of control gets overused as a survival mechanism.

Rather than face intense and constant feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, they learn to adapt by thinking, “What’s happening is my fault.” Claiming the blame automatically gives a sense of perceived control. For example, assuming, “I’m a bad kid, but if I try to be a good kid, I won’t get hurt anymore,” feels far less hopeless than, “I can’t trust these people and I’m in danger, but I’m trapped here because I’m only 6 years old.”

Kids who learn to adapt this way effectively ward off some of the intense emotions they aren’t equipped to handle yet on their own. The internal locus of control keeps them moving forward. However, later on in life, without much external locus of control to balance it out, they can go on to assume the blame for everything even when relationships and circumstances have changed. The internal locus of control gets overgeneralized. This can lead to a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, missing red flags, lacking boundaries, people-pleasing, feeling trapped, and feelings of shame and worthlessness.

The good news is, it’s never too late to begin balancing out an internal locus of control that’s become too strong. Part of trauma counseling involves shifting this perspective. In therapy, you can begin to better understand how your survival mechanisms benefitted you, and in what areas they may hold you back in the present. You can begin to safely explore where to let go of self-blame and embrace self-compassion instead. This is a process that can involve feeling anger and grief for the first time, but working through it often brings a tremendous sense of relief and freedom from shame. Self-blame at last gives way to a healthy and balanced sense of self-acceptance.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is the point of therapy?

The point, my friend – is to become a friend to yourself.

You come in with pain, right? All sorts of aches and pains, nervous systems screaming at you; sleepless nights, or detached days, where nothing really feels alive anymore, and you wonder: is this what living is supposed to be? You compare your insides to others’ outsides, and you think, I’m a freak, I’m a loser, I’m a weirdo. You feel alone, like no one else seems to have these feelings, these problems. You feel compulsive, apathetic, insecure, enraged at traffic, or you shout expletives at your spouse, AGAIN, and you’re just… tired.

We get lots of tired people in therapy.

Because everyone’s tired. The human condition is tiring. Interpersonal neurobiology tells us that the brain is wired to detect threats. Something bad happens and we’re wired to, at least, attempt to save ourselves from it happening again. So we attempt, and attempt, and attempt, until all that energy poured into attempting becomes a black hole. We sink down into it. It rends us limb from limb, into oblivion.

Interpersonal neurobiology also tells us about social baseline theory: Humans “find it easier and less energetically taxing to regulate emotion and act when in proximity to familiar and predictable others.” 1 In short, this exhaustion, this black hole collapsing on us- becomes less taxing simply by having a relationship at our side.  So we get to therapy, we cultivate a relationship with a stable other, and then the exhaustion lightens
up. Just enough so we can take a good look at it.

And once we look at it, we become the stable other to the exhaustion itself. We befriend it. We learn to love it. And behind that exhaustion, is the fear of pain. So what do we do next? We befriend the fear of pain. That fear wants to spare us, doesn’t it? But it does so in ineffective ways. So we learn to love the fear as we would a small, panicked child.  We calmly and lovingly accept and soothe that child.

And then what next? With the fear soothed, we are calm enough take a square look at our pain, and… learn to love the pain. The pain is initially blinding, and we’re afraid it’ll sear us, but we take one breath, and then two, and we discover that our pain is far more intricate, far more complex, brilliant and… alive than we imagined. It’s a force of nature inside of us. The pain brings messages to us. It teaches us what we love, what we care about most. It tells us what we value. To encounter the pain, with the calming presence of a stable other, with the tools we’ve learned in therapy at our side, that actually …brings us to life.

And then the thing that felt impossible actually happens: we encounter our joy. The joy that is our birthright. The joy that’s just as much a part of the human condition, but ever so much quieter. The joy that is free. The joy that is intertwined with pain and grief, but also with delight, vitality, passion, and realness. The joy that leads to honest, resilient, courageous and interconnected living.

So to befriend ourselves, in all our pain and our joy. In a nutshell – I think that’s the point of therapy.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

direct therapy

There are different kinds of help we all need.

Sometimes, we need the help of being listened to, being understood, being heard, being in a space with someone who will hold us in our pain and give us room to find our own way through the process. There are other times where we need someone who will actively engage us – maybe question us
in ways we’ve never considered, or challenge us when we feel stagnant, or acknowledge something in us we’re not aware of and bring it to light. What kind of support are you looking for?

Therapists can provide both kinds, and often, they go hand in hand. But some therapists tend to be more direct and active in helping you make change, and some therapists tend to be more indirect – trusting your change to unfold without needing to directly form it.

What’s important for you as the client is to become aware of what you’re needing in session. If you’ve been with a therapist for two years, two weeks, or two minutes – know a good therapist will care about what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to directly address your therapist regarding how they are helping you. Are you looking for more engagement from your therapist? More direction? Do you need some concrete help along your pathway of growth? Or are you feeling afraid of input and need the space to find what you experience with an affirming presence ? Maybe you wonder if it’s possible for your therapist to sit back and observe together where your own intuition and exploration takes you.

With a good therapist, there’s always, always, always an open invitation for you to express your desires for what kind of therapeutic relationship you’re wanting. Take ownership of your therapy and ask for what you need! A good therapist will encounter your desires with openness, receptivity, and a willingness to help you gain the support you’re looking for.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

i still haven’t found “the one”

How to Cope with Being Single When That Wasn’t Your Plan

So many people have dreamt about what it will be like to meet “The One” and settle down. You have an idea of this person, this relationship, in your head, and you can’t wait for it to happen. But what if it doesn’t?

Watching your friends and peers around you settle down is exciting, but can feel weird when you’ve always imagined that that would be you by now. It’s not like you haven’t tried to make your relationships work. After a certain point, you might start to think about giving up, moving on from the stress and chaos of dating and the pressure you put on yourself to find your person. 

At the same time, maybe there’s a part of you that isn’t ready to give up. After all, there’s no harm in trying a little bit longer and holding out hope. But it’s hard: the longer you hold out hope, the longer you can continue to feel let down. You want to know what will be best for you.

Being single when you don’t necessarily want to be is a complex situation. People who want a long-term partner but cannot seem to find them can often fluctuate between wanting to give up so they can move on, and wanting to hold out hope of finding what, or who, they’ve been looking for. We can look at this as an ambiguous loss: a type of loss in which there isn’t a clear way to find closure. Ambiguous losses can make it hard for people to grieve and move on, because they are often still looking for answers or clarity. In this case, you had an idea for what you thought your life might look like. You have an idea of a partner that has existed in your head, but they don’t yet exist in your life.

 

So how can you cope with this? What should you do?

1. Practice dialectical thinking. This means noticing that 2 opposite things can be true at once.

  • “I feel the burden of not having a partner right now, AND I can find ways to have a fulfilling life outside of a partnership”
  • “There are things I don’t like about being single, AND I enjoy certain parts about being single as well”

2. Find ways to fulfill other areas of your life.

  • Do you have a hobby or a way you enjoy spending your time?
  • Can you nurture other meaningful relationships in your life? Family, friends, or even volunteering might be good places to start finding fulfillment in other relationships

3. Give yourself permission to grieve

  • Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel disappointed and conflicted. Something that you truly thought would happen by now, hasn’t happened- that’s disappointing.
  • Let yourself be okay with the ambiguity. You don’t have to decide “once and for all” to give up on love. It’s okay not to have an answer right now.

4. Consider seeking additional support in a peer group or with a professional.

  • Whether you find support from a peer group or a therapist, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone!
  • Although therapists are not dating coaches or matchmakers, they are trained in helping people cope with complex situations and stress. It might be helpful to have a safe space to explore your feelings.

Navigating an ambiguous loss can be tricky. Know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are not “wrong”! Consider reaching out to East Dallas Therapy for more support.

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

 

Anxiety, Uncategorized

a poem about anxiety

Who created this abyss inside me…

The further down I go
Unearthing thought after cause after effect after reason
The more black it gets
The longer this takes
The less air I’ve got
The darkness consumes
I’m free falling and there’s no bottom
I’ll finally lose it I’ll turn inside out I’ll howl into nothingness

– An eternal gasp –

Someone grabs my hand and I recoil away, you can’t help me now
But they hold on tight and I feel my fingers are so cold against their warmth
I finally return the grasp (help me!) and grab on
…the roughness of the callouses in their hand, the bend of their knuckles, the strength
of their grip pulls me
shoulders drop, relying on their grasp I let my arms go
Back stretching, breath slowing, sides lengthening, legs reaching
It’s dark,
I can’t
I won’t
what if….
My legs a panicked cycling until I reach one toe out and feel

….. a surface

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

About, Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

benefits of acceptance and commitment therapy

CBT is probably the type of therapy you’ve heard the most about. It’s the one that has been researched the most so doctors recommend it. And it is really affective! It helps people change their behaviors by changing the way they think.

Our very own Stacey Shoemaker uses this approach in her therapy with kids, teens and adults. Check out her method here!  I have recently been on a journey to learn more about a new (to me) approach to therapy. If you are a client, you’ve heard me beat this drum every session! 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is just as affective at helping clients see change in their lives.

But what I love about it is it considers a persons deepest motivations and how to create a more meaningful life (not just more happiness). It’s a joy to see clients move toward a set of values that they can see in their day to day life. Sometimes therapy can feel ethereal and all in your head. ACT therapy makes it a bit more concrete so that you can see change in your life. But it also helps with those thoughts and beliefs that block you from getting to where you want to go. 

Here are a couple books I love that use ACT:

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris Get it here!

The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris Get it here!

Then if you want to read a bit more about it, see below:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are both evidence-based approaches to psychotherapy, and their efficacy often depends on the condition being treated, the individual’s preferences, and the context in which the therapy is delivered. Below is a comparison based on existing research:

 Efficacy of CBT

-Strengths: CBT is highly effective for treating anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mood-related conditions. It is also well-supported in treating eating disorders and substance use disorders.

– Mechanism: CBT focuses on identifying and modifying maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. It helps individuals recognize unhealthy thought patterns and develop healthier, more constructive thinking patterns.

– Evidence: CBT has a robust evidence base from decades of clinical trials and is often considered the “gold standard” for many mental health conditions.

Efficacy of ACT

– Strengths: ACT is particularly effective for chronic pain, stress, burnout, and conditions involving emotional avoidance or psychological flexibility, such as PTSD and some forms of depression and anxiety. It is also used effectively in workplace wellness and in addressing general quality-of-life issues.

– Mechanism: ACT focuses on increasing psychological flexibility by helping individuals accept their internal experiences, commit to values-based actions, and not being controlled by limiting beliefs.

– Evidence: ACT has a growing evidence base and is considered equally effective as CBT for many conditions, such as anxiety and depression, according to several meta-analyses. It often excels in helping individuals with issues related to meaning and values.

Key Differences in Approach

– Focus on Change vs. Acceptance: CBT emphasizes changing negative thought patterns, while ACT emphasizes accepting them and focusing on values-driven behavior.

– Skills Development: CBT often involves more structured skills training, while ACT encourages experiential and mindfulness-based processes.

Comparison in Research

– Equally Effective for Many Conditions: For depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders, meta-analyses suggest that ACT and CBT are equally effective.

– ACT’s Strength in Comorbid and Chronic Conditions: ACT is sometimes preferred for conditions involving comorbidities, chronic pain, or when fostering psychological flexibility is a priority.

– Long-Term Outcomes: Some studies suggest ACT may lead to more sustained changes in psychological flexibility over time, whereas CBT may have slightly faster symptom reduction initially.

Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

my loved one has trauma

While some people may choose to disclose what they’ve been through, there are many who don’t talk about the trauma they’ve experienced.

And this isn’t because they’re trying to keep secrets or trick anybody. A lot of times, just talking about it can bring up overwhelming symptoms like flashbacks or panic attacks, or maybe they fear being the “odd one out” if they bring up something intense that happened to them.

But even if someone doesn’t tell you the full story, when they’ve been through a lot of trauma and you’re a close friend, spouse, or family member, you will often see signs of it anyway. Sometimes they become extremely irritable about the smallest change in plans. They may withdraw suddenly for long periods of time or display unexpected explosions of emotion. Tasks that may seem simple to those around them don’t always come easily to them – even things like eating regular meals, taking a shower, or going to the store. They seem anxious and like they’re always “on,” or ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

Supporting a loved one who has been through trauma is hard, especially if you’re unfamiliar with how trauma works and what it tends to do to people and relationships. This doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. What makes it difficult is all the misunderstandings, confusion, sudden outbursts or shutdowns, all the ways you try to connect with the person that somehow don’t turn out the way you’d intended.

This isn’t their fault – and it’s not yours either. But when neither of you knows that trauma is the culprit, it can be easy to point fingers at each other. The person who has been through trauma may accuse you of not understanding or not loving them if you don’t avoid triggering them at all costs. You may end up feeling controlled and like there are too many unspoken rules in the relationship to keep track of. Miss one, and suddenly everything is falling apart. And when it does, your loved one may jump to conclusions and worry that you’re going to leave them forever.

Trauma strains friendships and relationships because it convinces both of you that you’re not enough and you’re not doing enough for the other person. Sometimes what may seem like a “red flag” in the relationship is actually trauma lurking under the surface, making it difficult for both of you to relate the way you want to.

What will help the relationship? For one, trauma treatment. The care of a trauma-informed professional can help the person who has been through trauma recognize how it’s impacted them, and how to work through the shame trauma tends to heap onto survivors. Treatment can be a slow process, sometimes very slow, taking several years depending on the length and severity of the trauma. What does help it go faster, though, is when the person has a good support system in place – and you’re a part of that!

Supporting someone who has been through trauma takes patience, perseverance to work through misunderstandings and shame spirals, and reassurance that even when it gets rough, you’re in it together for the long haul. It takes both of you learning how to work together, focusing on trauma as the main problem in the room, not each other.

The thing about trauma, though, is that it demands a deep dive. When you’re one of the main supports for someone with trauma, it challenges both of you to really get to know yourselves, your emotions, your limits, and your values. For the person recovering from trauma, it takes a lot of detangling old, painful messages and confronting uncomfortable feelings. For you, living in the reality of what happened to them may evoke very strong emotions like anger and grief. Supporting them can also mean learning how to set healthy boundaries, and how to show up for them at times when both of you feel scared and confused.

It’s okay if you don’t always have the answers or know what to do. Sometimes if you ask the other person, they may be able to help you learn. Other times, they may feel just as confused or too exhausted to explain. This is why the best thing both of you can do is get support.

When you both have a healthy support network in place, it eases some of the pressure trauma can put on both of you. The person who has been through trauma needs support to recover, but it is also just as important that you get the support you need. Trauma has a way of pushing past your limits, and if you aren’t careful, both you and your loved one can go through some serious burnout.

If you’ve got someone close to you who has been through trauma and you’re noticing that it’s impacting your relationship with them, consider speaking with a trained professional. A trauma-informed counselor can provide education, skills and tips for managing the impact, and they can also provide you with a safe space to check in with yourself and process what you’re going through as you face this with your loved one.

You’re not alone. There are ways to work through the impact of past trauma – it doesn’t have to signal the end of the relationship. In fact, you may find that as you work through it together, your connection will deepen, and you’ll both come out the other side having learned a whole lot more about yourselves and each other.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

trapped in an anxiety loop

Anxiety is a powerful word that describes a wide range of behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

When it’s working for us, anxiety is a great tool that helps us get things done and manage future outcomes. A little touch of anxiety can get us going on an important deadline, muster the courage to have a difficult conversation or manage a full schedule. Turn up the volume a little bit and anxiety will get us through an emergency injury for one of our children, engage in a conflict we didn’t expect, or resist injustices in our society, school, or workplace. But turn up the volume even more and anxiety quickly turns from helping us control outcomes to quickly controlling us.

Many of us get stuck in that high volume setting, due to distressing events that asked the managerial part of our brains to keep going, and keep going, and keep going… and suddenly the noise of anxiety became so loud we found ourselves unable to do anything else. It’s as if our brain and body are in overdrive and we can no longer access anything but this accelerated state. Often, even noticing this induces more distress – and then we’re applying more control and rigidity to reduce these painful feelings… which leads to even more anxiety! Signs of this can include being unable to sleep well, an inability to focus, racing heart, a sense of hyperactivity, or panic attacks.

When you feel trapped in an anxious loop, it is useful to ground yourself in your body and remind yourself that anxiety is a tool for managing the future…. Not the present. Ask yourself: what needs attention right now? Likely the answer to that is you. Take a moment to pay attention to yourself. What signs are showing you that you’re in overdrive? Can you compassionately witness your anxiety and look at it with loving eyes? What do you see? Listen to your mind and your body for a moment – what do you need in this very moment?

Even with these questions, it can be hard to calm down during this cognitive practice of self-compassion. So we turn toward the body: using grounding and breathing techniques we can invite a sense of physical calm:

1) Notice you’re anxious. Acknowledge the anxiety, just that it’s there. No need to fix it.

2) Notice the room around you, your environment, what colors, shapes, textures there are, and describe them to yourself. Notice your body and how it feels – what your hands feel like, what your feet feel like, what your back and shoulders and face feel like.

3) Notice your breath and use it as a tool to calm your nervous system. When you intentionally slow your breathing, taking a longer exhale than inhale, your brain sees that as a cue to send out safety signals to your body and engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of us that calms down). Try to breathe in for four and out for six. Do this several times slowly until it feels more natural and calming.

4) Get back into the present with some sort of activity that requires no analysis. Listening to music, dancing, going for a walk, taking a bath, spending time with a pet are all good examples.

Anxiety is a helpful emotion, and it tells us something external needs our attention. But too much anxiety robs of the opportunity to be present with ourselves as it insists on external action instead of internal presence. Gently thank your anxiety for being there for you, but get back in charge by allowing yourself to compassionately connect with the present moment.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

resolving never ending conflict

In marriage, conflicts can often feel like a tug-of-war, 

where both partners end up in a cycle of frustration and disconnection, trying to be heard but feeling misunderstood. Arguments sometimes become about “being right” rather than truly understanding each other, and that pursuit of validation can push partners further apart. What may start as a small disagreement over taking out the trash can turn into a feeling that the relationship itself is under threat. This pattern, as I’ve seen countless times, often leaves both partners feeling alone, even when they’re right next to each other.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us to look beyond the surface of these arguments and  dive into the emotional needs that lie beneath. Instead of getting caught up in “who’s right,”  EFT encourages couples to ask questions like, “What do I need to feel safe and connected?” or “What story am I telling myself about my partner right now?” Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, reminds us, “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” When couples recognize this vulnerability, they can acknowledge
that conflicts often stem from a place of fear or hurt, rather than malice. By sharing these feelings with each other—“I feel scared that I’m not important to you” or “I’m afraid you’re pulling away”—couples can begin to see each other as allies rather than adversaries.

Repairing connection doesn’t mean proving a point or rehashing past grievances; instead, it involves offering comfort and understanding, even when the details are hazy or memories differ.  Partners can learn to say, “I may not remember exactly what happened, but I’m sorry if I hurt you. I want us to feel close and safe.”  By focusing on mutual reassurance and showing empathy, couples can transform arguments into moments of healing. As partners learn to create this emotional safety, they develop a relationship where both feel deeply valued and understood. If you and your partner want to break free from old patterns and rediscover the love that first brought you together, I’d love to help guide you on that journey toward a stronger, more emotionally fulfilling connection.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

your holiday recovery plan

Finding yourself struggling after the holidays is a tough spot to be in.

There’s work or school to jump back into, but you might feel like no matter how hard you push, you can’t motivate yourself to move.

Maybe you’ve tried a lot of different tactics for eliminating stress during the holiday season. You cut back on events, budget for gifts, and prioritize time with the people you enjoy, but somehow you still feel overwhelmed. You may even plan a fun vacation, but as soon as you get back, you feel exhausted.
 
Managing stress over the holidays is important, but sometimes no matter what you do, it’s still going to take a toll – and that’s okay! Instead of pressuring yourself to come up with the perfect stress-free holiday season, it may help to take a gentler approach. Anticipate that it may be draining at times, and try building your own recovery plan to help you bounce back from it.
 
Here’s a template you can adjust to suit your needs:

1.      What will help me take time to recover?
·         Get home a day or two earlier than usual.
·         Say no to last-minute events.
·         Block off some free time in my schedule in advance.
·         Reframe rest as a necessary recharge instead of “lazy.”
·         Get family in on the recovery plan too.
 
2.      What can help my body slow down?
·         Take a walk
·         Spend some time in nature
·         Go to the park
·         Gardening
·         Gentle exercise
·         Go to bed early
·         Sleep in
·         Schedule a stay-at-home day
·         Plan some easy meals
·         Listen to soothing music or sounds, ex: rain, ocean waves, classical music, chillhop/lofi
·         Practice deep breathing
 
3.      What can help my mind catch up?
·         Reflect on what the holidays were like
·         Take inventory of what you need
·         Journal
·         Talk to a friend
·         Reflect on the past year
·         Express through creativity, ex: painting, drawing, music
·         Practice mindfulness, ex: yoga, meditation, grounding
·         Allow your mind to disengage for a bit, ex: watch a movie, read
 
4.      What can help me feel ready for routine again?
·         Plan a day for rest and a day to prepare
·         Jot down future goals
·         Make a to-do list
·         Talk to others for ideas, support, or accountability
·         Complete some easy tasks for a quick sense of accomplishment
·         Ease back in

Just like managing stress during the holiday season, your recovery plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Give yourself permission to experiment and tweak your plan when needed. Keep it flexible. Also keep in mind that recharging looks different for everybody – some people need a couple hours of alone time in a quiet space, others need time to vent or decompress with friends. Your plan doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else’s. Do what works best for you.
 
If you feel unmotivated to get back into the routine, that’s okay too! Whether you didn’t get to do everything you wanted over the holidays, transitions in general are hard for you, or you had such a great experience you don’t want it to end yet, give yourself some space to feel what you feel. A recovery plan is about giving yourself the time and resources you need to adjust. And that adjustment is allowed to look messy! You may find it much more sustainable in the long run than jumping from one busy season straight into the next.
 
If you find that the holidays brought up far more emotions than you expected, or you’re still having trouble managing your motivation, consider reaching out for support. A therapist can help you discover more tools for recovery.  

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

holiday guilt

With so many joyful songs and celebratory events, there can come the unspoken expectation that the holidays should be full of cheer.

But what if you just don’t feel happy?

Sometimes the holidays are complicated. Being far away from home, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing a past relationship or phase of life, and difficult family interactions are just a handful of the kinds of circumstances that can contribute to the holiday blues. Then guilt over not feeling happy enough adds to the pile of uncomfortable emotions.
 
It can be tempting to try to push all the unwanted emotions away, but sometimes that can backfire. Tears come out of nowhere, you snap at someone unintentionally, or you start feeling cranky and wonder if you’re turning into a grinch.
 
It can help to reduce the pressure on yourself: let your feelings come and go naturally. The holiday season doesn’t have to come with a rule that everyone must feel happy at all times. When you’re no longer spending so much energy on trying to push the feelings away, that gives your body more energy to process them and begin to transition into a different mindset. It’s a bit of a paradox, but letting yourself feel the difficult emotions for a little while can actually bring the happy, calm, and peaceful emotions back online too.
 
On the flip side, maybe you’re going through a lot and feel guilty for enjoying yourself at all over the holidays. Sometimes feelings of happiness are jarring when they come in the middle of a season of grief or chronic stress – but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Moments of happiness can give you a brief break and the fuel you need to weather the next wave.
 
It’s common to feel mixed emotions, or to go back and forth between feeling cheerful and upbeat, to feeling down and depleted, especially over a season that is filled with so many plans, social engagements, and changes in routine. All emotions cycle through. That’s normal. And all are natural, even over the holidays.
 
No matter where you find yourself emotionally this holiday season, practice allowing yourself to accept what you’re experiencing without putting the pressure on yourself to feel something you don’t yet. Give yourself time, take breaks when you feel overwhelmed, and reach out for support when you need to. Sometimes reducing the pressure is all that’s needed for a shift to take place.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Deconstruction, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

resilience during times of adversity

Many families encounter various trials and hardships, some more than others.

During difficult times , each family member’s experience is unique and becomes and integral part of their life narrative.

  • Relocating/New school
  • Traumatic event
  • Changing of parental roles
  • Divorce
  • Terminal illness
  • Financial stress
  • Death of a loved one
  • Mental illness in parent/sibling

Resilience has been described as the ability to successfully adapt and overcome extremely adverse life experiences (Happer, Brown, & Sharma-Patel, 2017). Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes and does not have to be extreme to make an imprint. The individual, their families, and their social environment all play an important role in the development and nurturing of resilience. In addition, each person’s individual genetic makeup dictates how one reacts and navigates through adversity.

Recognizing opportunities to foster resilience within your child or adolescent plays an important role in parenting. Allowing your child the freedom to make mistakes enables them to rely on their inner strength and tenacity- which promotes independence. Children that possess a healthy sense
of control within normal limits and protective measures in place can flourish in this type of environment.

As parents, we can help shape our child’s negative experiences into lifetime lessons. Children are resilient by nature yet at the same time are deeply impacted by positive and negative factors which exist within their upbringing.

Consider these characteristics found in resilience:

  • Possessing a sense of purpose
  • The ability to set and maintain goals
  • Perseverance
  • Self-motivation

What life experiences has your family endured? Where did you notice resilience within yourself?  What characteristics of resilience do you see within your child/adolescent?

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
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