Uncategorized

Calming Anxiety by getting out of your head

[The] Present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.

Thich nhat hanh


I love to think of mindfulness in this way. Mindfulness has become a buzz word lately and we have overcomplicated its meaning. It seems like we’re all trying to achieve this kind of joy by being more present, but the funny thing is, being mindful is one of the most intuitive parts of our human nature.

I was walking on a South Carolina beach recently thinking about how people who live near a beach must not struggle to figure out mindfulness. It’s built into their lifestyle. To experience beautiful spaces is to live with constant opportunities for mindfulness. But we don’t have to live near a beach to experience this. We can embrace the beauty in our lives and experience the the intoxicating effects of sitting squarely in your present setting. We can all think of times we have been fully present in the moment and it usually involves something beautiful or something that reminds us of our place in the world. I also like to think of mindfulness as a way of engaging our senses.

To experience beautiful spaces is to live with constant opportunities for mindfulness.

Here are a few ways to practice mindfulness and to get in touch with that part of your nature that wants to be present. Start with engaging your senses…

Sight: This can be as simple as stopping and looking your husband in the eye when he walks in the door and remembering why you love him. It can also be sitting at the lake and watching the water move and the clouds fade.

Hearing or sound: Sitting near any body of water can lull you just like our white noise machines in our bedrooms. I found myself sitting in the next room during the holidays listening to all the voices and the fullness of the house we were staying in. Sitting on your back porch and listening for birds or someone walking and crunching the gravel in the leaves. This can be turning music up so loud that it fills your body with vibration.

Taste: Have you ever noticed when you can take your time cooking a meal? It can be the most relaxing thing to have those activities that engages every sense. You’re smelling the fragrance, you’re seeing the colors and the shiny oils covering your food, you’re tasting each note of flavor you’ve added, you’re holding smooth carrots and a warm pan in your hand. If you don’t have time to cook, you can also do a chocolate meditation. One of my clients told me she does this locked in her pantry so her kids don’t get any!
Here’s a link to a chocolate meditation

Smell: This is smelling the oils emerging from your diffuser or sitting with your daughter and smelling her hair. This is going for a walk and taking a deep breath, allowing the smell of pine to relax your body.

Touch: There are many ways to be mindful with touch. You can pause and use a stress ball to squeeze and feel the sensation on your hands or you can use meditation to notice the sensations you feel in your body.
Here is a link to one of my favorites. Notice the places in your body that feel the most tension from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. You then place your hand there, connecting your sense of touch to that tension. I like to go a step further and name what that tension is. It might
be fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.

I hope that we can all learn to make mindfulness a way of life. I think we can over complicate it, thinking we need a retreat in the woods or an hour yoga session to be mindful. But it is a moment by moment practice of being aware of your body and the ways that you take in the world around you.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt

Family and COVID and Boundaries and Christmas

I wrote on this topic last year. I am just coming back to look over what I wrote for Christmas 2020, and it strikes me how much has changed. So much of our emotional experience has had to stay beneath the surface since the world turned upside down. We haven’t had the chance to process all that we have just experienced. But those emotions are still there: the uncertainty about the future, the self-doubt in our decisions, the fear, and the outrage at other’s decisions about politics or wearing a mask. 

Not only are we processing the Covid-world, but the holidays always stir up our past family experiences. We can be sent back to that child-version of ourselves when we get around family. (You can read more about this in my post about this from last year) As we try to make plans for the holiday this year, it can leave us feeling frozen in making decisions, or wanting to run away, or wanting to say yes to everything to please everyone. 

If there was EVER a time to get clear about what you need (your boundaries), it’s now.

So I encourage you to take a minute and listen to your own voice- what you need. I list a few ways to do this below. It can be so easy to get swept away in our family’s plans or our own fears. So when you think about how to handle the holidays, where to spend your time, or what to say no to, take a pause before you respond. If you’ve already responded and regret it, it’s ok to change your mind. Of course we have to consider our physical health and other’s health. But then make sure to consider emotional health. What your heart might need this year is to celebrate with people safely or what you may need is a quiet holiday with a few loved ones. It’s ok to speak up for those needs. 

This year will be the ultimate test in boundaries for us all.

You are forced to speak up for what you need knowing you might disappoint people. You might take more risks and face the judgement of friends. Or you might be more cautious and face judgement from family. But listening to your needs will ultimately lead you to a place of confidence and security. You’ll feel happier and more authentic in your relationships. You’ll be able to be present during this beautiful and restorative season.

If we can be reflective and slow down, we can embrace this season with our whole hearts. So when you have a quiet moment of reflection, here are some ways to acknowledge your emotions during the holidays without letting them run the show:

  • In a safe, quiet place (so probably not in the laundry room while everyone is waiting for you to come back so they can open presents), try to identify your fears, anxieties, and needs.
  • Remind yourself you are not that child anymore. You have more tools, more control, and more awareness now.
  • Reflect on what your own nuclear family needs and make space for those needs.
  • Open up your hand to what the holiday can be now so you don’t get stuck in what it used to be or what you imagined it would be. Stay flexible.
  • Know the difference between wisdom and fear. Wisdom can take a calculated risk- it can image a positive outcome, as well as an unfortunate outcome. Wisdom is slow and reflective. Fear is reactive and visceral. It can’t image a positive outcome and gives you tunnel vision. Wisdom is the path that leads to more joy even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes. Fear leads to anxiety and hiding.

If you need to process wisdom and fear in your life, reach out. We want to hear your story. Email me morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or click here to book an appointment.

Anxiety, Self-Care

How to stress less during the holidays

How do you relax when you…

Have family expecting things of you, have kids running around, messes everywhere, your diet is off, you aren’t exercising, you’re trying not to feel guilty for what you’re eating, you’re taking off work, you’re trying to work and take off work, you’re financially stressed, you’re physically stressed, you’re emotionally stressed AND you’re mentally stressed!!!

We’re all facing stress this year like no other year. It feels like every decision we make could have detrimental consequences and yet many of us are so ready to be with family and relax and celebrate during a season of (supposed) joy!

Over on our Instagram I spoke with a local chiropractor, Dr. Bethany Roggendorf at Family Wellness at White Rock about how to reduce our stress during this season. She talked about how stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol aren’t “bad” but they can be overactive in our bodies and it’s our job to regulate them.

Here are some of her tips for relaxation:

  1. Take time for your freakin self! However that looks for you!
  2. Give yourself grace with your diet and consider not weighing at all during this season.
  3. Remember its not what you do in one day that matters as much as what you do DAILY. So one day (as in Christmas Day) won’t break your health, it’s those daily choices throughout the year.
  4. Think about getting OUTSIDE to walk or exercise
  5. Do low tech or no tech activities.

Some helpful resources on stress

From Dr. Roggendorf

Read more about Dr. Roggendorf here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Stop Being the Ref in Your Family

Sibling relationships are incredibly important and intensely frustrating! Having a brother or sister teaches kids important things like:
Love is not scarce. It is wide and expansive. Just because Mom and Dad brought home a new baby, it doesn’t mean they love me less. Siblings teach us that love grows. 

A sibling can be a built in support system for the times that life is disappointing all the way through life from standing up to a bully on the playground for their sibling to supporting each other as adults when you their parents decline and age. 

So, if having a sibling is so wonderful, why is it such a nightmare day to day?
1. Kids are new to this social skill. They need you to teach them assertiveness. Your daughter may say, “Mom, Avery took my Barbie. Tell her to give it back!” Instead of being the Barbie ref, help your daughter learn to advocate for herself.

Say something like:

It sounds like you’re really frustrated that Avery took your Barbie. Take some deep breaths to get calm and then use your strong and respectful voice to get Avery to give the Barbie back.

2. Instead of intervening in the conflict, put on your sportscaster hat.

Rather than you making the decision (Sara gets the Barbie or Avery gets the Barbie or goodwill gets the Barbie), provide feedback on what you observe- similar to a sportscaster.

I hear that you guys are both really frustrated.

Sara, you feel like Avery took the Barbie from you

Avery you feel like you have every right to play with the Barbie because it is yours.

Allow them to come up with a solution or give up and play respectfully anyways. 

3. If you don’t have time or patience to be the sportscaster, set a boundary.

There are times when you don’t have the time or the patience to be the sportscaster and you just need the bickering to STOP! In cases like this it is ok for you to set clear boundaries:

If you guys cannot work this out together in 30 seconds you’re both going to be sent to your rooms for quiet time until my meeting is over.

Then after the meeting give your kids the chance to work out the issue from before, if it still seems important to them. Either way take the time to explain to them that when they choose to have conflict respectfully they choose to continue playing. When they don’t, they choose to have to go to their rooms for quiet time.

If you have questions about sibling rivalry or would like to schedule a sibling session contact: kate@eastdallastherapy.com

Uncategorized

Our search for meaning

When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.” -Viktor Frankl

Viktor Emil Frankl (26 March 1905 – 2 September 1997) was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist. A Holocaust survivor, he was the founder of logotherapy (literally “healing through meaning”)–– a meaning-centered school of psychotherapy… (from Wikipedia)

This quote from Dr. Frankl feels like a gut punch to me. The pandemic has been a season of shifting and re-prioritizing what bring us all meaning. We’ve lost many of those “pleasures” that were a welcome distraction before the pandemic. And so much of our meaning makers have been taken away- time with friends, travel with our family, carefree time together. It’s been put on hold indefinitely.

What do we do when it feels like the rug has been ripped out from under us?

It’s a scary place to be. We have a choice to cling on to those pleasures hoping they keep us afloat until we find normalcy again (if we find normalcy again). Or we can reflect.

What is my purpose in life?

What can I contribute?

What can I give back to my family, my community?

We can start with what we have and what we value in life. And then do something small with it.

Finding meaning in your life is THE BIG QUESTION. I wonder if we’ll all look back on this season and see it as a turning point for in our lives. For now, we can spend some time reflecting on this questions.

Uncategorized

What does burn out feel like?

By Morgan Myers, LPC

Like you’re under water. You’re paddling just to survive. It’s impossible to think about what’s best, what you need, where you’re headed. It’s a stress-filled reactive place. It’s fear and it’s survival mode. And yet it’s the temptation to run away or quit. It’s discouraged and yet not enough energy to come up with a new plan. It’s a horrible place to be stuck.

In the world we live in now, burn out is everywhere. How can we not be burned out with all the taxes on our energy leaving us exhausted. While the joys of our lives were whisked away with the rising pandemic numbers. Many of us processing our big life choices now too! All while trying to survive, keep our jobs, keep our sanity.

The only thing to do with burn out is rest. It’s not time to quit and run away, at least yet. It’s not time to make drastic changes. It’s not time shame ourselves into just TRYING HARDER. Yeah right.

Rest. Read that again. Rest. When you read that, what barriers come up to you resting? What blocks do you have?

It’s so hard to carve out space for this but it’s so important to remind yourself of the quiet and constant moments of your life. Whether that’s time at the lake, a walk, a night away in a hotel, a long drive.

If you need to talk more about burnout, contact me morgan@eastdallastherapy.com.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health

What does kid’s anxiety look like?

Parents, I know back to school is a stressful time for everyone. ESPECIALLY right now, we’re all facing fears and changes that aren’t easy.

When your kid isn’t coping very well- it can be tough to figure out what’s going on.

  • Is it anxiety?
  • Is it just worry?
  • Is it rebellion?

We want to clarify what anxiety looks like in kids. Anxiety in kids looks different than it does in adults. Our in house child therapist, Kate Miller, explains the difference…

Anxiety can look like hyperactivity

Anxiety in kids (especially young kids) can look like the inability to be still (in ways that are usually normal for them) and the inability to focus. This can sometimes be identified as ADD or ADHD when it is really anxiety. 

Anxiety can look like regression.

Anxiety in kids can look like regression in development, which can be, having accidents after being consistently potty trained, returning to baby talk or renewed separation anxiety.

Anxiety can look like becoming withdrawn or frozen.

Anxiety in kids can look like a lack of interest in the things that they used to be important to them. This can be school, sports or friendships. 

So what can you do about it?

It’s important to try to identify what’s going on with your kid. Sometimes we see the “negative” behaviors our kids have and think it’s an attitude problem or something that needs to be corrected. But if you see these more specific behaviors, it may be anxiety. As a parent when your kid is anxious what they need most is someone to listen- even to the irrational fears. “My teacher hates me” or “I’m never going back to school!” They can try to release that tension in irrational ways- but if we can respond with compassion first, they will feel heard. When a kid feels heard, it’s much easier for them to calm down. Once they’re calm, you can talk about how to express their emotions differently, you can bring in consequences (it’s ok to feel anxious about going back to school, but it’s not ok to refuse to get in the car in the morning).

One more thing to remember: when you’re dealing with your kid’s mental health, always reach out for more help! Ask the school counselor or talk to a family therapist. 

Anxiety, Faith, Self-doubt

What does over-moralizing feeling like? (scrupulosity)

I remember growing up in the church having this idea that every decision I made was a path toward sin or righteousness. Even the clothes I wore were seen as bad or good. A value statement was put on what movies I watched (I’m talking like Disney movies, not X rated), we had to be careful about what we wore and what slang words we used (oh my gosh was too close to oh my god). I started to view my life like I was preparing for judgement. Whether before God or before the people around me- my community, my leaders. It was all about my performance, the choices I made were a sign of whether I was devoted enough my christianity.

I think this is a common experience in the modern church. The message you receive is that your choices and your behavior prove whether I belong (more on belonging in the church later…). This over-scrupulousness is what can attach itself to us, even after we’ve moved out of that kind of religious culture. It can feel like there is one narrow path you must walk down to be “enough” or to be “good enough.”

Our past religious experiences teaches us to submit to a moral and virtuous life. As I have walked with clients through these experiences, I see there is so much value in letting your life be guided by a moral code and by the love of a higher power. I think it can lead to growth and health and a love for your God. It’s also is an important part of your story and identity.

But I have also seen people deeply wounded by the church of their past. Sometimes the church can engulf our sense of self and holds us to an impossible standard in order to belong.

Many of my clients process this kind of inner conflict. In therapy we work on letting go of legalism and self-criticism, and holding on to those beliefs that bring hope and healing. It’s a necessary step in taking ownership of our faith as adults.

I talk more about deconstructing your faith and how to handle doubt here.

Written by Morgan Myers, LPC

A little about me… I help women who feel boxed in by self-doubt, criticism and the expectations of others. Some women come to me burned out and wanting to understand where they went wrong. Sometimes women come in to process their past pain from church and religion- rejection, dark night of the soul, legalism, or doubt in God. It can be so difficult to even know what we need, let alone asking for those needs to be met. Many of my clients are trying to cope with depression or stress from this season of life. Sometimes we work on healing their past pain so they can grow and move on. More about me here.

I WALK ALONG SIDE YOU THROUGH THE PAIN AND SELF-AWARENESS INTO A HAPPIER MORE HOPEFUL LIFE.

I also have a side-project called Motherlift. I founded it alongside my Doula sister- Macy Morrow. Motherlift is an educational platform for mothers in every stage of motherhood. We help women from pregnancy through parenting cope with all the changes, chaos, and challenges that come with the role of motherhood. It’s a total blast! Check it out here.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-doubt

3 Ways to release the self-doubt that holds you back

1. Self-doubt=fear- Let go of fear by naming it for what it is.

And no one ever made a good decision out of fear.

It’s easy to let our lives take the shape of whatever we’re reacting to, whatever we’re retreating from. Like being afraid to take a risk in a relationship and feeling more isolated, afraid to speak up for what you believe and let the conversation continue while you’re feeling more and more unconfortable. Being led by fear inevitably leads you down path you never intended to go down. If you want to change course, you have to release your fear first. This looks like naming it. “I’m afraid to be vulnerable with my husband because he may reject me.” “I’m afraid to say what I think about social justice because I’ll be labeled as liberal or judgmental.” Sometimes just naming your fears to yourself can be freeing.

2. Disobey that voice inside that says you “should _________”

In an effort to grow or change, we cut ourselves off at the knees and box ourselves in. One little life-hack I like to do is disobey that little voice. We all have the subconscious rules for ourselves- we can only speak for so long in conversations, we can’t disagree with someone, we aren’t the kind of person who speaks up for what we need. This can really begin to box you in. Try to disobey these rules sometimes and see how it feels! If your self-doubt keeps you from speaking up, try disobeying it. If you have a rule about how much you speak in a conversation, go on talking!

3. Know the difference between fear and wisdom.

Fear overgeneralizes, projects into the future (when we actually have no idea what the future holds), fear has a negative bias about the possibilities and our capabilities. Wisdom sounds like cautious consideration and openness. Wisdom does it’s due diligence but is willing to take risks. Wisdom is usually found by asking around, doing research, AND trusting your gut.Does this make sense? Does this hit home?

A little about me:

A little about me… I help women who feel boxed in by self-doubt, criticism and the expectations of others. Some women come to me burned out and wanting to understand where they went wrong. Sometimes women come in to process their past pain from church and religion- rejection, dark night of the soul, legalism, or doubt in God. It can be so difficult to even know what we need, let alone asking for those needs to be met. Many of my clients are trying to cope with depression or stress from this season of life. Sometimes we work on healing their past pain so they can grow and move on. More about me here.

I walk along side you through the pain and self-awareness into a happier more hopeful life.

I also have a side-project called Motherlift. I founded it alongside my Doula sister- Macy Morrow. Motherlift is an educational platform for mothers in every stage of motherhood. We help women from pregnancy through parenting cope with all the changes, chaos, and challenges that come with the role of motherhood. It’s a total blast! Check it out here.

Parenting, postpartum, Self-Care

3 Things to Remember as Your Kids Get Back to School

By Morgan Myers, LPC therapist to burned out mamas (read more about Morgan here)

1. Your kids are as anxious as you are!

We’re all anxious as we think about the risks of returning to school during a pandemic! The visual of walking up to your kids school, everyone in a mask, no one social distancing, germs, and coughing and all of it! It’s overwhelming! Your kids are taking in all of that too. They are processing the fact that they haven’t been in a classroom for 6 months. We all know what our anxiety feels and looks like. Kid’s anxiety can look like:

  • Whining and complaining
  • Fixating on the plan and the variables
  • Wanting to escape
  • Getting aggressive
  • Extra tired
  • Overly emotional
  • Bigger fits and meltdowns

2. Your kids NEED socialization

Whether you’ve decided to send your kids back in person or keeping them home until the risk lessens, we’re all having to juggle all of our kid’s needs. Obviously their physical health is really important, but consider their emotional health and social development. In case you’re feeling guilty about planning play dates, or getting them back in school, they will benefit from being with other kids. Their brains need to be reminded about social skills, self-control in the classroom, not being bossy (speaking from experience!), learning competence, etc etc. So as their parent, remember not to leave out this aspect of their little bodies and brains! It’s easy to focus on the physical risks, but there are benefits to being around other kids too!

3. In light of all of this above, be kind to your self and show your kids some grace.

We’re all taking in A LOT of change right now! Our lives are almost unrecognizable from what it was this time last year. So show yourself some grace, and when your kid is balling on the floor, or whining for another snack, or trying to control the outcome of everything, give them some grace too. This is how kids respond to situations out of their control (and I would guess its the way we respond to situations out of our control too).

For more on parenting and motherhood, check out my side project @Motherlift on instagram.

Parenting, Self-Care, Uncategorized

5 Tips for Talking to Your Child about their Differences

You (& your child) get to decide how and when to share your child’s diagnosis and details related to their functioning with people even when they ask. Being curious doesn’t entitle someone to an answer. It can be helpful to have a planned response for such times, such as: “ Thanks for being concerned/interested in (child’s name). We choose not to discuss that with you right now.” 

1. Have an “elevator pitch answer” ready to go.

Sometimes people will ask about your child’s difference and you may want a quick way to explain it. Think of this like the elevator pitch that salespeople learn. They have a speech where they can pitch their product in the time it takes the elevator to get them to their floor. I have Cerebral Palsy and my elevator speech to a curious adult is, “Thanks for asking. My diagnosis is Cerebral Palsy. It is a neurological problem caused by premature birth and it affects my balance and the tightness of the muscles in my legs.” I also explain this to kids a lot, in the playroom at work and in public places like the grocery store. I usually say something like this, “ You’re really paying attention! You noticed that I walk differently from other people. I have Cerebral Palsy, that means that my brain which is like a big computer has a little difference. Instead of telling my muscles to work like most people’s do, my brain tells my muscles to be tight all the time and my body is always a little off balance.”

2. Look to your child to see how much is appropriate to share.

If your child is able, discuss with them how and when they want to discuss their difference with friends, classmates, etc. If they are unable to communicate verbally, pay attention to the ways they do communicate with you to gauge their awareness and level of comfort with these conversations and adjust accordingly. 

3. Sometimes it’s helpful to officially share about your child’s differences

For some families, it feels most helpful to have the child address their class at the beginning of the school year and explain their difference so that they can have some more control over how their difference is understood. 

4. This isn’t the end all be all, you can adjust the way you communicate at each developmental stage.

These conversations will need to be tweaked over time as your child grows both developmentally and socially. Sometimes different people or situations will require different conversations. Be willing to shape and change your explanations, as it feels right to you, your child and your family. Trust yourself and your child when navigating these situations. Also, be patient with yourself and your child. These conversations may bring up difficult feelings or painful interactions. 

5. Remember to prioritize self-care!

Having conversations where you or your kid explain their difference can be difficult but even when they are good conversations they can still leave you feeling depleted. Self-care is important. This could be journaling, going for a run or making time to talk to trusted friends. Your child also needs self-care during this time. It can be time alone doing a favorite activity  or  engaging with family or friends to play or talk through their feelings. 

Book an appointment with Kate Miller, LPC
Parenting

Life doesn’t always look like a scene from “The Sandlot”

By Kate Miller, LPC

As adults, it is easy to edit our childhood memories to an idyllic time in our lives. It’s true there are things about childhood that are wonderful: having long summer days to play, ride bikes, play Barbies or get lost in the Harry Potter series until your parents tell you to come home to eat a dinner you didn’t have to plan, cook, or pay for. You could just be a kid. 

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always look like a scene from the movie The Sandlot. The reality of childhood often looks different from our rose-colored memories. There are lots of challenges and transitions that children feel deeply leaving them feeling: disconnected, frustrated, scared, anxious or afraid. There are many challenges that children face and just as some adults handle changes differently the same is true for children. So, while for some the transition from one school to another is exciting and new friends are made easily, other children will struggle to find their place there. Your best friend’s oldest child may have easily transitioned from being the only child to being the big sister and took on her new role with excitement. However, your child is throwing multiple tantrums every day (maybe even after you thought the tantrum phase was over) and trying to send the new baby back to the hospital (or worse)! You may find yourself wondering what you’re doing wrong, that your child cannot adjust to normal life transitions.

Childhood may have brought challenges to your child’s life that even you struggle to understand and accept. Maybe your child has a been diagnosed with a disability or ADD, anxiety or another child mental health disorder. You may find yourself grappling with how to help your child. It’s so easy to have endless what-ifs, doctor’s appointments…

It is often the case that when a child is given a serious diagnosis all of the family’s focus and energy goes to the child with the diagnosis and the sibling or siblings can feel lost and forgotten. You may find yourself feeling completely unprepared to parent in these circumstances.

For your family this may not be ‘a difficult season’ but ‘your ongoing reality’ and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed.

If you found yourself resonating with any of these scenarios, take courage, there is help and hope. Your child is not ruined or lost forever. They need support to find their voice, process their pain and find their own way to connect and contribute to others. Play therapy can help children and parents on this journey. They will not have the idyllic childhood of our edited memories (because those childhoods are only real in our imaginations) but there are moments of connection and fulfillment yet to come. 

Play therapy is a developmentally appropriate way for children to process what is going on in their lives. We are highly trained and ready to meet with you. Read more about our child therapist here.

Read more about us