Marriage Counseling, Trauma

Under the Anger

Sometimes anger feels like a runaway train that has gone off the rails and is barreling into a village of innocent bystanders. Sometimes shame can creep in and envelop our whole world when we receive an offhand comment from a spouse, are left out by a group of friends, or don’t get the promotion we wanted. Rarely do these reactive emotions connect us to loved others. What Les Greenberg and Sue Johnson label as “secondary emotions,” are these feelings that come up as defensive and protective reactions to “primary emotions.” Vulnerable, primary emotions often lie under the surface, being shielded from our awareness because we don’t feel safe to experience emotions like hurt or fear. 


In relationships, secondary emotions can lead to defensive or aggressive behaviors that create distance rather than connection. So, why do we lash out when it would be more helpful to share vulnerably? Some of us have learned that it is not safe to share these tender feelings with others (in childhood or in other intimate relationships) because we tried and were ignored, shut down, or squashed in the process. Thus, shame, anger, and their friends stepped in to keep us a little safer and more distant from people in our lives. 


Because of the way our brains love to make strong pathways, these secondary emotions can feel automatic and guide so much of how we respond to others. Thus, we are left feeling isolated, guarded, and defensive. However, when we  can compassionately observe our true, primary feelings and share them vulnerably with trusted others, we can be heard, empathized with, and feel truly connected. 

If you want to learn more, you can contact brylee@eastdallastherapy.com or go to eastdallastherapy.com to set up an appointment. 

Uncategorized

Why didn’t I fight back?

You may have heard about the body’s danger responses: fight and flight. But there’s another secret weapon the body uses to defend itself: the freeze response.

The freeze response can make you feel paralyzed and numb. Instead of fighting or running away from a threat, you’re simply stuck, unmoving. You may panic on the inside and feel trapped in your head, or you may blank out, go limp, or feel like you’re floating away from yourself. In any case, the freeze response can also leave you riddled with self-blame, asking yourself, “Why didn’t I move? Why did I just let that happen to me?”

 

 

But the freeze response isn’t a conscious choice. It’s a totally automatic response to danger, just like fight or flight. When your body detects an immediate threat, it makes a split-second judgment on how to respond to best protect you.

For example, think about if you accidentally rest your hand on a hot stovetop. You don’t get a chance to stop and think about all your options while your hand burns. No, your body immediately jumps into action before you can blink! You may shout or pull your hand away before you realize what’s happening. The part of your brain that deals with planning and decision making doesn’t get a chance to figure out what to do in the situation – and that’s exactly what keeps your hand from getting burned even worse. Automatic responses are crucial to survival.  

 

 

The freeze response is the same way. It’s your body’s way of managing a threat it has judged as inescapable. Freezing can come in handy when you’re faced with a wild animal (holding still so maybe it ignores you) or an opponent much larger than you are (where fighting might just get you more hurt). In a hopeless situation, it can even protect you from feeling physical pain. Kids are especially likely to experience a freeze response when faced with a threat because they don’t have as much strength or as many options open to them as adults do.

But even as an adult faced with a situation where you can clearly get away or win a fight, your body might freeze instead. Again, it’s an automatic response your body chooses for you, not a conscious decision on your part. If your body is used to freezing to survive danger, it’s more likely to resort to that same familiar response.  

Others may have different automatic responses than you do to similar situations. It can be hard to resist the urge to compare, but one response isn’t better than any other. Fight, flight, and freeze are all necessary physical responses to threat.

If you want to learn more about what to do when you freeze, you can contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com or go to eastdallastherapy.com to set up an appointment. 

Self-Care, Trauma

Exhausted from Caretaking?

Caretaking is an others-focused way of living where you spend most of your time and energy trying to help people. On the surface, it may look a lot like caring, but there are some key differences. For one, caretaking behavior is accompanied by the nagging underlying belief that “I don’t matter.”

Consider whether any of these signs of caretaking apply to you: 

·         I never ask others for help. 

·         I tend to be the giver in all my relationships. 

·         I believe if I can fix somebody’s problem, I must. 

·         I find myself listening to everyone else’s problems, but I rarely talk about my own.

·         I feel guilty telling others “no.”  

·         I believe others matter more than I do.

·         I tend to ignore my own needs. 

People who struggle with caretaking come across as very selfless. They listen more than they speak. They are quick to empathize and lend a helping hand. They shower others with encouragement. But too often, the compassion they extend to others is not something they give to themselves. 

The result? Exhaustion. It is common for those who caretake to live in a constant cycle of burnout. When they have energy, it’s quickly spent on those who’ve come to depend on them. That can cause the person caretaking to feel depleted, fearful, depressed, or even resentful. They may isolate themselves from others until they finally have energy to spend again, only to be drained once more.  

There are many reasons why you might find yourself trapped in this cycle. Maybe you grew up in an environment that overemphasized self-sacrifice and labeled getting your needs met as selfish. Or maybe you took on the parentified role in your family, expected to look after your siblings or parents from a very young age. Caretaking is also a common result of trauma. Feelings of shame reside at the core of trauma, and often those who carry shame try to battle against it by people-pleasing to gain approval. But the sense of finally being good enough is always fleeting. 

So how do you break the cycle? Start to focus more on you. Putting forth the effort to heal and grow frees us up to be more caring to others! When we learn how to meet our own needs, there is less exhaustion, fear, and shame holding us back. 

It also helps to remember the motto, “never do for others what they can do for themselves.” Encouraging others to use the tools they have empowers people to feel more capable and confident in themselves. For example, rather than making it your life mission to cheer up a depressed friend, truly caring for them might still involve listening, but also reminding them of the things they can do that help them feel better.

You’ll be much better prepared to care for others when you’ve had time to tackle your own problems, recharge, and show compassion to yourself. Caretaking comes from a place of depletion, but caring comes from a place of wholeness.

Marriage Counseling, Trauma

How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Partner

“Oh no, it’s happening again. I want to tell him I’m upset, but I can’t seem to speak.”

“I just threw a tantrum over nothing, like some little kid. I feel so silly! What’s wrong with me?”

 

 

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not crazy. It’s common for childhood trauma to show up in unexpected ways, especially in close relationships with others. A certain tone or phrase from your partner can trigger an intense reaction that feels out of place in the moment. Even if you know your partner didn’t mean any harm, you may find yourself overwhelmed with such strong emotions that you feel out of control. Often, these feelings stem from the past. Even if they’re buried deep down, unprocessed emotions have a tendency of leaking out again when we least expect it.

 

 

Because childhood trauma so often involves our earliest relationships, it makes sense that old patterns of coping show up in our most intimate relationships. Your mind is always vigilant, ready to protect you from any perceived relational threat. Even if your partner is supportive, your trauma may convince you that you don’t deserve their love. If your partner has a hard time understanding, invalidating messages like “you’re too sensitive” or “stop being so emotional” can trigger you all over again. So how do you keep past trauma from wreaking havoc in the here and now?

 

 

This is why it’s so important to find a counselor you feel safe with. Working with a trauma counselor can help you identify old relational patterns and triggers, and cope with the overwhelming emotions that follow. When you experience new ways of relating in the context of a safe relationship, old patterns begin to change, promoting healthier relationships with others. Past trauma affects the present – but it doesn’t always have to. 

If you would like to hear more about how childhood trauma can affect your relationship with your partner, you can contact Summer Greenlee, LPC Associate.

Here is the link to learn more about Summer:

New About

Depression, Kids Mental Health, Parenting

When parents bring their kids to therapy it’s usually for these reasons:

We support families in East Dallas in all sorts of ways.

Kids sometimes need someone to talk to other than their parents. And parents need a sounding board, a support person in helping their kids be a success. We like to bring families more peace in their homes. We help you focus your parenting strategy and build consistency and security in your family.

Here are some reasons families come to us for counseling:

  1. Parent coaching
  2. A child has a mental health diagnosis: ADD, ADHD, Spectrum Disorders, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD 
  3. A child is differently abled and needs help coping with big feelings
  4. A family is grieving a loss or a recent trauma
  5. A child needs help being assertive
  6. A child needs learn to calm down anger outbursts or other big emotions

Kate Miller, LPC is our family therapist and can meet your kid where they’re at and give them the tools they need to succeed. Read more about her here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Grief According to Developmental Age for Young Children

Death and loss are not things that we talk about openly as a society, so when we (as adults) are faced with loss we feel confused and overwhelmed. If the adults are sad and confused children are too. Here are some quick tips about how grief works at different ages to (hopefully) help you as you parent during a time of profound loss. It may be helpful for you to read the age/stage right above and/or below your child’s age because there is overlap in behaviors, especially when a child has significant regression. We are so sorry for your loss. Please reach out if we can help in any way.

 

 

Babies and Toddlers (0-2 years)

“Children are great observers and horrible interpreters.”

– Terry Kottman

Even very young babies know when their caregivers are grieving because they regulate their body and brain to their grown-up. People often say things like, “Oh, she’s so little. She won’t remember.” She likely won’t remember but she will still be affected so here are some tips if you have a baby or toddler in your home while you are grieving.

-Connection is everything. Make sure your little one has plenty of skin to skin, nursing, baths and naps with you. It’s okay to express your emotions around your little ones just make sure they have lots of verbal and physical reassurance, “Mommy is sad right now. Sad isok. Sad isn’t forever. I love you. You are safe.”

-Try to keep your child as warm as possible. Warm= safe for little ones.

-Recognize that they may regress (having trouble self-soothing, talking, etc.)

This is normal as long as it doesn’t last too long. Consult your PCP if you are concerned about your child.For remembrance: Keep photos of the person your child has lost on their eye level so they can continue to connect with them.

 

 

Preschoolers (3-4 years)

A lot of what was explained for babies and toddlers will hold true for preschoolers, so please read above. Preschoolers will struggle with the permanence of the loss. It is normal for them to ask things like when their loved one is going to come back from Heaven or Is it time for Daddy to move back home yet, even when they can articulate everything you told them about the loss and it seems like they understand. They understand enough to repeat the facts back to you but reality doesn’t make sense to them yet. Try to give concise, consistent answers. You may feel like a broken record but the repetition helps your preschooler make sense out of his world. For remembrance: Give a blanket that once belonged to your person who has died to your child to help them feel close to the one they miss and this will help to keep them warm. Or make a blanket together with photos of your person on it for your child. If your child continues to ask these questions consistently and isn’t able to make sense out of them after the rest of your family seems to have moved toward acceptance, it may be time to seek play therapy for your child. 

 

 

Early Elementary (5-8 years)

Around age 5 or 6 children begin to understand the concept of death both that it is permanent and that it happens to everyone, it will even happen to them. This is often very frightening. Speak to them simply but honestly about death. If you have a faith tradition you may want to meet with your spiritual leader about how to explain death and the afterlife to children. If you don’t have a faith tradition be true to your own beliefs and values with your child but try to explain it as simply as possible. Your child may feel a sense of responsibility or guilt for this loss. Reassure them that they did not cause their person to die or for Mom to move out, etc. Your child may need therapy to release their feelings of guilt. For remembrance: Your child will have their own important memories of their person. Help them put together a photo album that they can keep in their room. They may choose photos that you wouldn’t choose like photos from the funeral or of their loved one’s gravestone. It is ok to let them keep these. If your child seems to be stuck in fear or overly fixated on morbid things for an extended period of time, it maybe time to seek play therapy. 

 

Uncategorized

Calming Anxiety by getting out of your head

[The] Present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.

Thich nhat hanh


I love to think of mindfulness in this way. Mindfulness has become a buzz word lately and we have overcomplicated its meaning. It seems like we’re all trying to achieve this kind of joy by being more present, but the funny thing is, being mindful is one of the most intuitive parts of our human nature.

I was walking on a South Carolina beach recently thinking about how people who live near a beach must not struggle to figure out mindfulness. It’s built into their lifestyle. To experience beautiful spaces is to live with constant opportunities for mindfulness. But we don’t have to live near a beach to experience this. We can embrace the beauty in our lives and experience the the intoxicating effects of sitting squarely in your present setting. We can all think of times we have been fully present in the moment and it usually involves something beautiful or something that reminds us of our place in the world. I also like to think of mindfulness as a way of engaging our senses.

To experience beautiful spaces is to live with constant opportunities for mindfulness.

Here are a few ways to practice mindfulness and to get in touch with that part of your nature that wants to be present. Start with engaging your senses…

Sight: This can be as simple as stopping and looking your husband in the eye when he walks in the door and remembering why you love him. It can also be sitting at the lake and watching the water move and the clouds fade.

Hearing or sound: Sitting near any body of water can lull you just like our white noise machines in our bedrooms. I found myself sitting in the next room during the holidays listening to all the voices and the fullness of the house we were staying in. Sitting on your back porch and listening for birds or someone walking and crunching the gravel in the leaves. This can be turning music up so loud that it fills your body with vibration.

Taste: Have you ever noticed when you can take your time cooking a meal? It can be the most relaxing thing to have those activities that engages every sense. You’re smelling the fragrance, you’re seeing the colors and the shiny oils covering your food, you’re tasting each note of flavor you’ve added, you’re holding smooth carrots and a warm pan in your hand. If you don’t have time to cook, you can also do a chocolate meditation. One of my clients told me she does this locked in her pantry so her kids don’t get any!
Here’s a link to a chocolate meditation

Smell: This is smelling the oils emerging from your diffuser or sitting with your daughter and smelling her hair. This is going for a walk and taking a deep breath, allowing the smell of pine to relax your body.

Touch: There are many ways to be mindful with touch. You can pause and use a stress ball to squeeze and feel the sensation on your hands or you can use meditation to notice the sensations you feel in your body.
Here is a link to one of my favorites. Notice the places in your body that feel the most tension from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. You then place your hand there, connecting your sense of touch to that tension. I like to go a step further and name what that tension is. It might
be fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.

I hope that we can all learn to make mindfulness a way of life. I think we can over complicate it, thinking we need a retreat in the woods or an hour yoga session to be mindful. But it is a moment by moment practice of being aware of your body and the ways that you take in the world around you.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt

Family and COVID and Boundaries and Christmas

I wrote on this topic last year. I am just coming back to look over what I wrote for Christmas 2020, and it strikes me how much has changed. So much of our emotional experience has had to stay beneath the surface since the world turned upside down. We haven’t had the chance to process all that we have just experienced. But those emotions are still there: the uncertainty about the future, the self-doubt in our decisions, the fear, and the outrage at other’s decisions about politics or wearing a mask. 

Not only are we processing the Covid-world, but the holidays always stir up our past family experiences. We can be sent back to that child-version of ourselves when we get around family. (You can read more about this in my post about this from last year) As we try to make plans for the holiday this year, it can leave us feeling frozen in making decisions, or wanting to run away, or wanting to say yes to everything to please everyone. 

If there was EVER a time to get clear about what you need (your boundaries), it’s now.

So I encourage you to take a minute and listen to your own voice- what you need. I list a few ways to do this below. It can be so easy to get swept away in our family’s plans or our own fears. So when you think about how to handle the holidays, where to spend your time, or what to say no to, take a pause before you respond. If you’ve already responded and regret it, it’s ok to change your mind. Of course we have to consider our physical health and other’s health. But then make sure to consider emotional health. What your heart might need this year is to celebrate with people safely or what you may need is a quiet holiday with a few loved ones. It’s ok to speak up for those needs. 

This year will be the ultimate test in boundaries for us all.

You are forced to speak up for what you need knowing you might disappoint people. You might take more risks and face the judgement of friends. Or you might be more cautious and face judgement from family. But listening to your needs will ultimately lead you to a place of confidence and security. You’ll feel happier and more authentic in your relationships. You’ll be able to be present during this beautiful and restorative season.

If we can be reflective and slow down, we can embrace this season with our whole hearts. So when you have a quiet moment of reflection, here are some ways to acknowledge your emotions during the holidays without letting them run the show:

  • In a safe, quiet place (so probably not in the laundry room while everyone is waiting for you to come back so they can open presents), try to identify your fears, anxieties, and needs.
  • Remind yourself you are not that child anymore. You have more tools, more control, and more awareness now.
  • Reflect on what your own nuclear family needs and make space for those needs.
  • Open up your hand to what the holiday can be now so you don’t get stuck in what it used to be or what you imagined it would be. Stay flexible.
  • Know the difference between wisdom and fear. Wisdom can take a calculated risk- it can image a positive outcome, as well as an unfortunate outcome. Wisdom is slow and reflective. Fear is reactive and visceral. It can’t image a positive outcome and gives you tunnel vision. Wisdom is the path that leads to more joy even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes. Fear leads to anxiety and hiding.

If you need to process wisdom and fear in your life, reach out. We want to hear your story. Email me morgan@eastdallastherapy.com or click here to book an appointment.

Anxiety, Self-Care

How to stress less during the holidays

How do you relax when you…

Have family expecting things of you, have kids running around, messes everywhere, your diet is off, you aren’t exercising, you’re trying not to feel guilty for what you’re eating, you’re taking off work, you’re trying to work and take off work, you’re financially stressed, you’re physically stressed, you’re emotionally stressed AND you’re mentally stressed!!!

We’re all facing stress this year like no other year. It feels like every decision we make could have detrimental consequences and yet many of us are so ready to be with family and relax and celebrate during a season of (supposed) joy!

Over on our Instagram I spoke with a local chiropractor, Dr. Bethany Roggendorf at Family Wellness at White Rock about how to reduce our stress during this season. She talked about how stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol aren’t “bad” but they can be overactive in our bodies and it’s our job to regulate them.

Here are some of her tips for relaxation:

  1. Take time for your freakin self! However that looks for you!
  2. Give yourself grace with your diet and consider not weighing at all during this season.
  3. Remember its not what you do in one day that matters as much as what you do DAILY. So one day (as in Christmas Day) won’t break your health, it’s those daily choices throughout the year.
  4. Think about getting OUTSIDE to walk or exercise
  5. Do low tech or no tech activities.

Some helpful resources on stress

From Dr. Roggendorf

Read more about Dr. Roggendorf here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Stop Being the Ref in Your Family

Sibling relationships are incredibly important and intensely frustrating! Having a brother or sister teaches kids important things like:
Love is not scarce. It is wide and expansive. Just because Mom and Dad brought home a new baby, it doesn’t mean they love me less. Siblings teach us that love grows. 

A sibling can be a built in support system for the times that life is disappointing all the way through life from standing up to a bully on the playground for their sibling to supporting each other as adults when you their parents decline and age. 

So, if having a sibling is so wonderful, why is it such a nightmare day to day?
1. Kids are new to this social skill. They need you to teach them assertiveness. Your daughter may say, “Mom, Avery took my Barbie. Tell her to give it back!” Instead of being the Barbie ref, help your daughter learn to advocate for herself.

Say something like:

It sounds like you’re really frustrated that Avery took your Barbie. Take some deep breaths to get calm and then use your strong and respectful voice to get Avery to give the Barbie back.

2. Instead of intervening in the conflict, put on your sportscaster hat.

Rather than you making the decision (Sara gets the Barbie or Avery gets the Barbie or goodwill gets the Barbie), provide feedback on what you observe- similar to a sportscaster.

I hear that you guys are both really frustrated.

Sara, you feel like Avery took the Barbie from you

Avery you feel like you have every right to play with the Barbie because it is yours.

Allow them to come up with a solution or give up and play respectfully anyways. 

3. If you don’t have time or patience to be the sportscaster, set a boundary.

There are times when you don’t have the time or the patience to be the sportscaster and you just need the bickering to STOP! In cases like this it is ok for you to set clear boundaries:

If you guys cannot work this out together in 30 seconds you’re both going to be sent to your rooms for quiet time until my meeting is over.

Then after the meeting give your kids the chance to work out the issue from before, if it still seems important to them. Either way take the time to explain to them that when they choose to have conflict respectfully they choose to continue playing. When they don’t, they choose to have to go to their rooms for quiet time.

If you have questions about sibling rivalry or would like to schedule a sibling session contact: kate@eastdallastherapy.com

Uncategorized

Our search for meaning

When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.” -Viktor Frankl

Viktor Emil Frankl (26 March 1905 – 2 September 1997) was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist. A Holocaust survivor, he was the founder of logotherapy (literally “healing through meaning”)–– a meaning-centered school of psychotherapy… (from Wikipedia)

This quote from Dr. Frankl feels like a gut punch to me. The pandemic has been a season of shifting and re-prioritizing what bring us all meaning. We’ve lost many of those “pleasures” that were a welcome distraction before the pandemic. And so much of our meaning makers have been taken away- time with friends, travel with our family, carefree time together. It’s been put on hold indefinitely.

What do we do when it feels like the rug has been ripped out from under us?

It’s a scary place to be. We have a choice to cling on to those pleasures hoping they keep us afloat until we find normalcy again (if we find normalcy again). Or we can reflect.

What is my purpose in life?

What can I contribute?

What can I give back to my family, my community?

We can start with what we have and what we value in life. And then do something small with it.

Finding meaning in your life is THE BIG QUESTION. I wonder if we’ll all look back on this season and see it as a turning point for in our lives. For now, we can spend some time reflecting on this questions.

Uncategorized

What does burn out feel like?

By Morgan Myers, LPC

Like you’re under water. You’re paddling just to survive. It’s impossible to think about what’s best, what you need, where you’re headed. It’s a stress-filled reactive place. It’s fear and it’s survival mode. And yet it’s the temptation to run away or quit. It’s discouraged and yet not enough energy to come up with a new plan. It’s a horrible place to be stuck.

In the world we live in now, burn out is everywhere. How can we not be burned out with all the taxes on our energy leaving us exhausted. While the joys of our lives were whisked away with the rising pandemic numbers. Many of us processing our big life choices now too! All while trying to survive, keep our jobs, keep our sanity.

The only thing to do with burn out is rest. It’s not time to quit and run away, at least yet. It’s not time to make drastic changes. It’s not time shame ourselves into just TRYING HARDER. Yeah right.

Rest. Read that again. Rest. When you read that, what barriers come up to you resting? What blocks do you have?

It’s so hard to carve out space for this but it’s so important to remind yourself of the quiet and constant moments of your life. Whether that’s time at the lake, a walk, a night away in a hotel, a long drive.

If you need to talk more about burnout, contact me morgan@eastdallastherapy.com.

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