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Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry for Being Sorry

Do you ever find yourself over-apologizing?

 In his book on complex PTSD, Pete Walker tells the story of a time he accidentally ran into a chair and found himself apologizing to it. That moment opened his eyes to a deeper issue: constantly apologizing even when unnecessary.

If this sounds like your experience, you may find yourself apologizing for many things that are totally outside your control. Family and friends may call you out on it just to hear the response once more: “I’m sorry!”

While there can be many different causes to this issue, chronic over-apologizing can also be a sign of a trauma response. For those who have been through relational trauma in particular, the underlying message of “sorry” is often

“I’m sorry for being here. I’m such a problem. I’m sorry for being me.”

It can initially develop as a survival skill when you’re stuck in a toxic relationship. The apologies involve blaming yourself to appease the other person and prevent their rage, punishment, or neglectful behaviors. Sometimes this survival skill works, or at least lessens the damage. However, it often becomes overgeneralized. Due to the constant fear of getting in trouble, you find yourself apologizing everywhere you go, no matter who you’re with. And after blaming yourself for everything so many times, shame sets in.

When you’ve been over-apologizing for so long, how do you break the habit? The first thing to do is notice yourself apologizing. Whenever you catch yourself saying sorry, take a moment to ask yourself some questions:

  • What am I apologizing for?
  • Would I expect someone else to apologize for the same thing?
  • What do I want my apology to accomplish?
  • How do I feel right now?
  • What do I sense I need most in this moment?

These questions can help you figure out if you’re apologizing for healthy reasons (such as for missing a deadline or losing your temper with a friend) or if it’s because you’re triggered. And once you know you’re triggered, you can begin taking steps to help calm your nervous system and re-regulate.

The shame messages underlying chronic over-apologizing can be tough to combat. For more strategies, read Pete Walker’s book: “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.” You can also schedule a session with a counselor at eastdallastherapy.com.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

6 Places to Make Friends

I have noticed a trend in the last few years as a therapist.  So many people talk about feeling isolated and lonely. I think we don’t know how to make friends as adults! It’s like dating, but with less social structure around it.
 
Finding a new friend requires you to show up to “dates” with new friends (strangers), not knowing what they are like. It can feel vulnerable, boring, and time consuming! So, this is your encouragement to keep trying!  Commit to those people in your life regularly. Convenience is sometimes more important than finding someone you perfectly click with.
 
Relationships are based in shared experiences. That means you have to show up over and over and build those memories together.  There are people out there with the same desires as you. I KNOW people in your community want connection and real relationships that will last a lifetime just like you do. None of us want to go into the next few decades of your life as an island trying to be self-sufficient.

Here are some easy ways to meet new friends.

1. Join a running club or workout group. Some of my faves are: Caulfield Dance, Bar Method, and Dallas Running Club
2. Attend an artsy workshop- Rachel Larlee Creates, Dallasites list of art workshops
3. Attend an art opening or lecture- Art House Dallas has so many amazing events
4. Start a book club in your neighborhood (remember convenience is important!)
5. Throw a patio party. Invite who you know and have them invite someone else!
6. For new moms, join your neighborhood moms’ group- most areas have one that holds events for you with or without babies.
With most of these activities this won’t launch you into deep relationships. It will take you stepping out and engaging with people. So, after getting comfortable in some of these settings ask if people to do something else. It WILL NOT feel natural at first, but it will grow over time.

I want to normalize how weird this process is as an adult! But it’s possible to build a community that brings you fulfillment and connection.

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

It Wasn’t That Bad

Some days you might look at your symptoms and triggers and think to yourself, “I’ve been through so much it’s overwhelming!”

Trauma feels like the perfect word to describe it. But then the next day or even the next hour rolls around, and you find yourself thinking the total opposite: “I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” After all, you can easily point to someone else who’s had it worse.  

You feel like a ping pong ball, going back and forth about what happened to you. At this point, you may assume that if you can’t settle on whether your experience was that bad, it must not be. Wouldn’t someone with real trauma feel certain about what happened to them?

Actually, no.

It’s very common for people who have experienced trauma – whether mild, moderate, or severe – to question whether anything significant really happened to them. Even those who have endured years of violence and abuse find themselves discounting their experiences.

In some ways, this is highly adaptive. Sometimes people develop a part of themselves that pretends nothing occurred so they can go on with normal life for a time. It’s too hard to feel grief, shame, or fear while you’re trying to work or study in school. Denying the trauma helps.

However, usually the person has another part of themselves that still feels all those difficult emotions, and even if that part is hidden away for a time, it never really goes away. The result can feel like an inner battle. One part of you functions well in day-to-day life by ignoring the trauma, and the other part feels crushed by the trauma and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge it.

Whenever you’re feeling divided like that, take a moment to notice which side seems to be winning out and which side is getting stifled.

Try not to judge either one. Remind yourself that both parts have helped you in the past and it’s normal to have doubts. What feelings might you be avoiding? Are there other ways you can get through the day without invalidating the hurt you still feel? Lean into your support network while you focus on bridging the gap between the two sides.  

If you want to read more about how reconcile different parts of yourself in the aftermath of trauma, check out Janina Fisher’s book: “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.”

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