Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

The Holiday Overload

The tinsel, the lights, the wrapping of gifts, the overload of food and cheersing ourselves into oblivion. 

 If ever there is a time of sensory overload it is the holidays. 

Too much to take in with our eyes:  the lights, the wish lists, decorations in every spare space.

With our ears: holiday songs on repeat, kids screeching excitedly or fully melting down, dogs howling at the fireworks

With our noses: heavy holiday foods, holiday candles of every possible concoction including winter sweater and Christmas sugar cookie, fire… did I leave something in the oven or is that just the fireplace?

With our mouths: sugary treats, savory delights, candy being offered to us and our kids at every turn, holiday greetings hoping we remembered to ask about the right things and people and didn’t step in it by asking about the boyfriend who didn’t make it past thanksgiving! 

With our hands: checking off lists, baking, wrapping gifts, shopping. Judging which sweater is just the right weight for her, wiping tears off cheeks, soothing disappointed kids, and grieving loved ones. Carefully cleaning up broken ornaments, hot candle wax dripping onto our hands as we try to stop and remember the sacred in the midst of the chaotic.

After all of this, it seems as though a rest might be in order but instead our culture demands we set aside our noise makers and glasses of champagne and decide our goals for the new year: GET FIT! GET ORGANIZED! GET THAT PROMOTION! THIS IS YOUR YEAR!

This may be your year to truly hustle and get all those goals accomplished before the calendar turns to February, but maybe you, like me, need to slow down and re-group before you start crushing your goals.

Maybe for you January looks like:

-Slowly take down all your holiday decorations and let things be a little barer around your home than it is the rest of the year, to give your eyes a rest. 

-Spending time in silence, either as a spiritual practice or just giving your mind and ears a rest. Instead of listening to a podcast on your way to work or kid music in the morning, maybe it would help to make space for silence. 

-Eating simple meals made at home to enjoy more slowly and to have less clean up. 

-Consider putting some of your gifts away out of sight until you can use them. If you got several books for Christmas but only put the one you’re reading on your nightstand and put the rest away. Or if you got a new candle but the one on the side of your tub still has a lot of life in it, put the new one in the cabinet and it will be a fun treat later in the year. Rotating toys, some in the closet, some in the toybox can make playing more enjoyable for kids, even though it may be hard on the front end. 

-Lastly, make a list of the things that help you feel rested and add some of them into your January. These things might be: Sunday afternoon naps, Family movie night, having your home professionally cleaned twice a month, walks by the lake, reading books regularly. Take some time in January to figure out what you and your family need to feel rested and then set clear goals for the new year.

Wishing you and yours a calm and contented 2023.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Your child’s teacher thinks they have ADHD… now what?

Some things to consider before jumping to labels or medication:

–Breathe, relax. A teacher recommending getting a child assessed for ADHD isn’t the same thing as your child receiving a diagnosis. This doesn’t mean that your child is already labeled with this diagnosis. You are allowed to question them, take some time to determine what is best for you, AND get a second opinion outside the school.

–You might want to talk to someone you trust who either has ADHD or has a child with ADHD to get a more personal take of what it looks and feels like for them. It is true that ADHD exists on a spectrum and different people experience it differently, but it can help to get a ‘real life’ perspective and see how it resonates with you at all. 

–Talk to people in other settings and get their experience with your child. The indicators of ADHD have to be present in at least 2 settings for it to be diagnosable. If your child only shows those behaviors at school, for example, then you might be talking about a different issue. These people could be grandparents, your kid’s soccer coach or their teacher from last year. 

–Make a list of all of your questions and your fears, no matter how catastrophic or trivial they might seem. Then decide what you really want to know and bring them to a professional you trust to assess your child. Often counselors will do a discovery call, or introduction call to see if they are a good fit for you. (Read more about our approach here)

–Be honest about what you want or need in getting your child assessed.  If you are strongly opposed to medicine, be clear about that. Or if you have a full schedule, be clear about what therapies, coaching or tutoring you can commit to in order to address ADHD. 

At EDT we understand that even the suggestion that your child may be differently wired or need a diagnosis can be scary or overwhelming. We are happy to speak with you about your family’s needs and explain how our assessment process works. If we are the right fit for your child, we would be honored to walk through this experience with you and your child.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Holistic options for ADHD

At East Dallas Therapy, we believe our clients have many solutions to their problems. In our practice we think we’re in a unique position as family counselors to give you and your child the attention you need to provide an in-depth evaluation and assessment. After we provide an assessment, we coach parents on their communication and help kids learn to express, identify and regulate their emotions.  As we often tell clients here there are many stops on the bus before we get to medication.

Check out some of these holistic aids for ADHD:

Occupational Therapy:

ADHD is a neurological difference and occupational therapy helps activate positive chemicals in the brain using physical exercise and cranial-sacral therapy. For our child clients, we have seen occupational therapy help with concentration, calming big emotions like anxiety and build their organization and planning skills. We highly recommend North Texas Therapy Innovations, a family OT clinic that has been active in this community for decades. Check out this article about occupational therapy for children with ADHD

Supplements:

Your child’s pediatrician or occupational therapist will be able to recommend which supplements may be appropriate and helpful. Like many differences in the body and brain, ADHD exists on a spectrum and different people struggle more profoundly with certain elements of ADHD (i.e. attention, planning, focus, emotional regulation, etc.). A doctor who knows your child’s specific needs can help you decide how to use supplements.  Look at this article on the positive effects of supplements. 

Get moving:

It is often hard for ADHD kids to remain still for long periods of time so if you know they’re going to have to sit through a long church service take them outside to move and play before going inside and have fidget toys available for them during this time. 

It’s important to have family dinners. If your child struggles to stay in their seat, we recommend getting your child a yoga ball to sit on during dinner so they can move. When you introduce this to your child, talk about what is ok, and what is not ok with the ball. 

ADHD can often lead to anxiety and shame. Sometimes a child can get stuck in that negative self-talk. In this case, your role as a parent is to teach them to regulate. Here are a few tools for regulating big emotions: 

  • have your child walk outside barefoot for at least 20 minutes
  • sleep with a weighted blanket
  • use a brown noise machine
  • have your child write a letter to their worries and then tear up the letter or burn it (with parent supervision!). 

If these and many other supports do not work, medication may be the answer for your child. We know that sometimes medication is the best support for families. We believe that you have so many tools in your toolbox as parents, and there is no shame in using medication as one of many ways to care for your child.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Our favorite ADHD Tools for time management and organization!

To help with ADHD time fog:

  1. Colorful analog timers. These work well for children, teens and adults. It gives a visual representation of time for a given task. This will help your child stay on schedule and complete tasks in a timely manner with less guilt and frustration for everyone.
    1. Here is one option.
    2. Another cute one!

2.  Create a Shower Playlist. ADHD kids can easily lose track of time in the shower. It’s such a big parenting moment when your kids can finally bathe themselves. But parents often are frustrated because their kids spend forever in the bathroom forgetting to do things like washing their bodies or shampooing their hair. You may find yourself asking, “What have you been doing in here?!” Using Playlists can help you stay on track. Choose from a playlist on Spotify such as “Songs to Sing in the Shower.”

Listen Here

Additionally, some parents laminate a list of shower tasks (that can also be placed in a Ziplock bag):

3. Structure for Success-Think ahead, create visual cues, and auditory guides. It helps to do as much as you can ahead of time and having things near the door to get ready to go but sometimes things can still get left behind. We recommend door organizers which are pockets that hang on the back of your door to help you remember things that often get forgotten like a water bottle, a friend’s book that needs to be returned or a permission slip that was signed the night before when your kiddos backpack was upstairs. Such as: this doorknob organizer or this over the door organizer 

4.  If your child is more of an auditory learner, try these 30 second recording buttons that can be recorded and re-recorded over and over for reminder. They can be placed anywhere in the house. 

Please let us know if we can help you on your ADHD journey or also let us know what great ADHD hacks & tools you have found, we would love to hear from you.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma

Avoidance

After a traumatic experience, it may feel like triggers are everywhere. Sights, sounds, smells, places, or even thoughts that remind you of what happened can suddenly send you spiraling. If you get too heavily triggered, you may even flashback and feel as if the traumatic event is happening all over again.

No wonder avoiding triggers can become a habit. Nobody wants to be retraumatized. At least to some degree, avoidance can be necessary and helpful at times, but what happens when it becomes your main strategy for coping with triggers?

When we avoid things that cause us anxiety, we’re essentially teaching our brains that we can’t handle whatever it is we’re avoiding. Your brain learns the following:

Triggers = Anxiety
Avoidance = Instant Relief

Instead of draining triggers of their power to cause panic, avoidance heightens the association between triggers and danger, which increases anxiety and makes you want to avoid even more. And the more you avoid, the more limited your life becomes.   

So how do you keep avoidance from taking over your life without getting overwhelmed and retraumatized by all the triggers? It takes a balance. By working with a therapist, you can begin learning new tools for managing triggers, that way avoidance is no longer the only means of relief.

For more information, contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Self-Care, Uncategorized

Cleaning Out Our Emotional Backpacks

Have you ever let your kid’s backpack go too long without being cleaned out? It’s like the creature from the black lagoon’s habitat in there! There’s no telling what you may find but you can be pretty sure it will be horrifying.


Kids also need to clean out there emotional backpacks on the regular! 

I got caught talking so my teacher wrote my name on the board.
So I stuff embarrassment, anger and injustice (because my friend started the conversation) into my emotional backpack.

I finally figured out that math concept I’ve been faking that I understood for days but couldn’t celebrate because I wanted everyone (including my teacher) to think I already got it.
So I stuff frustration, deferred pride & self-hatred into my emotional backpack.

My best friends were pulled for a special project and I wasn’t so I had to hustle all of recess to find new kids to play with.
So I stuff sadness, loneliness and feelings of inferiority into my emotional backpack.

Some kids like to verbally unpack their emotional backpacks and a feelings chart can be helpful. You can ask which of these feelings did you feel today? Encourage them to list more than one and then say, “It was important enough for you to carry (enter their feeling word here) with you all day & you brought them home. What do they want to say?”

Some kids like to creatively unpack their emotional backpacks. Encourage them to build paint or journal their feelings. A prompt that might help would be, “It sounds like you felt really proud of yourself today but you didn’t get to shine. Can you show me that shine with your markers & glitter or magnet tiles.”
PSA: Playdough is great for cleaning up glitter 

Some kids like to physically clean out their emotional backpacks. You can offer the opportunity to write out difficult feelings and tape them to a punching bag, trampoline or bury them in the back yard.

Cleaning out our emotional backpacks should help mitigate meltdowns, sibling squabbles and rigidity after school.
Parents might want to try cleaning out their emotional work bags too!

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Our Most Recommended Books By Age Group

Littles and Pre-K Kids

No Drama Discipline – By Daniel J. J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson 

  • This is a parenting book on how to stay calm when your child isn’t calm. This book helps you combine connection and clear limits every time your child needs discipline.

The Way I Feel – By Janan Cain

  • A simple book on feelings. We like to read it to our kid clients and ask them about times they’ve felt those feelings.

Charlotte and the Quiet Place – By Deborah Sosin and Sara Woolley 

  • A great description of what it feels like when you’re overstimulated and overwhelmed and what they can do about it.

Moody Cow Meditates – By Kerry Lee MacLean

  • This books is really cute and I think many parents with more “outspoken” kids will relate to it! It does a really good job describing anger and how to calm the internal storm.

Elementary

Jabari Jumps – By Gaia Cornwall

  • This is an inspiring story of a kid struggling with anxiety around trying a new skill, his dad supported him and celebrated with him when he did it. 

Sitting Still Like a Frog – By Eline Snel

  • This book introduces mindfulness techniques in a child-friendly way

Blessing of a Skinned Knee – By Wendy Mogel, PhD

  • This book is helpful for parents struggling with over-parenting, wanting to raise self-controlled, self-reliant children.

Whole Brain Child – By Daniel Siegel & Tina Bryson

  • This book explains the Interpersonal Neurobiology of Children and how to work with them to help regulate their emotions and enjoy childhood more mindfully. 

9-12 Tweens

Brainstorm – By Daniel J Siegel

  • This explains the changes that happen in the adolescent brain and it also provides discussion guides for parents and children. 

Untangled – By Lisa Damour, PhD

  • This book guides parents through seven important transitions from childhood to womanhood addressing a girl’s inner and outer world. 

The Care and Keeping of You (Revised): The Body Book for Younger Girls – By Valorie Schaefer

  • This book is forthright description of a girls changing body. I recommend parents read it first so that they’re prepared to answer questions and discuss the topics further with their girls.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Stressed About What Others Think

Sometimes unhealthy relationships give you weird skills. For instance, you may realize you pick up on the tiniest changes in facial expressions. Others don’t even notice, but you’re already registering someone else’s body language and slight variations in tone. You can guess what others are thinking and feeling before they even say a word.

That’s called mindreading, and many people do it. In fact, sometimes people expect you to do it. That’s how you acquired the skill in the first place. Maybe you grew up in a family where direct communication was discouraged. If you didn’t guess what people wanted before they said something, you got in trouble or were accused of not loving them enough to figure it out.

Or maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship that required a lot of mindreading. You may have gotten used to constantly scanning conversations for warning signs of the next meltdown or blowup. In any case, mindreading helped you avoid danger. You learned to read the cues so you could either step in to prevent something bad from happening or run away from it.

As useful as it is, though, mindreading comes with its own problems. For one thing, accurately guessing what others think 100% of the time is impossible! Spending so much energy on reading between the lines can be exhausting. Plus, the more you try to guess what other people think, the more likely you are to eventually misunderstand them.

While mindreading may have been a useful tool to have in a toxic relationship, it may no longer work as well in other relationships. This is because abusive relationships teach you to expect the negative. For example, if a friend doesn’t reply to your text, you automatically assume the negative – they don’t like you anymore – rather than assuming the positive – they’re just busy and will get back to you later.

When you feel tempted to mindread, it can be helpful to remind yourself:

·         Mindreading helped me survive…

·         …but it’s an impossible task that puts too much pressure on me.

·         It’s not my responsibility to guess what others want/think/feel.

·         If others want something, they can clearly communicate their needs to me.

·         Instead of stressing and guessing, I can ask others what they think.

Mindreading can happen so automatically you don’t notice when you’re doing it. If you’d like some help figuring out how to let go of stressing over what others think, set up an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com or contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com.

Depression, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Trauma

When parents bring their kids to therapy it’s usually for these reasons:

We support families in East Dallas in all sorts of ways.

Kids sometimes need someone to talk to other than their parents. And parents need a sounding board, a support person in helping their kids be a success. We like to bring families more peace in their homes. We help you focus your parenting strategy and build consistency and security in your family.

Here are some reasons families come to us for counseling:

  1. Parent coaching
  2. A child has a mental health diagnosis: ADD, ADHD, Spectrum Disorders, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD 
  3. A child is differently abled and needs help coping with big feelings
  4. A family is grieving a loss or a recent trauma
  5. A child needs help being assertive
  6. A child needs learn to calm down anger outbursts or other big emotions

Kate Miller, LPC is our family therapist and can meet your kid where they’re at and give them the tools they need to succeed. Read more about her here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Grief According to Developmental Age for Young Children

Death and loss are not things that we talk about openly as a society, so when we (as adults) are faced with loss we feel confused and overwhelmed. If the adults are sad and confused children are too. Here are some quick tips about how grief works at different ages to (hopefully) help you as you parent during a time of profound loss. It may be helpful for you to read the age/stage right above and/or below your child’s age because there is overlap in behaviors, especially when a child has significant regression. We are so sorry for your loss. Please reach out if we can help in any way.

 

 

Babies and Toddlers (0-2 years)

“Children are great observers and horrible interpreters.”

– Terry Kottman

Even very young babies know when their caregivers are grieving because they regulate their body and brain to their grown-up. People often say things like, “Oh, she’s so little. She won’t remember.” She likely won’t remember but she will still be affected so here are some tips if you have a baby or toddler in your home while you are grieving.

-Connection is everything. Make sure your little one has plenty of skin to skin, nursing, baths and naps with you. It’s okay to express your emotions around your little ones just make sure they have lots of verbal and physical reassurance, “Mommy is sad right now. Sad isok. Sad isn’t forever. I love you. You are safe.”

-Try to keep your child as warm as possible. Warm= safe for little ones.

-Recognize that they may regress (having trouble self-soothing, talking, etc.)

This is normal as long as it doesn’t last too long. Consult your PCP if you are concerned about your child.For remembrance: Keep photos of the person your child has lost on their eye level so they can continue to connect with them.

 

 

Preschoolers (3-4 years)

A lot of what was explained for babies and toddlers will hold true for preschoolers, so please read above. Preschoolers will struggle with the permanence of the loss. It is normal for them to ask things like when their loved one is going to come back from Heaven or Is it time for Daddy to move back home yet, even when they can articulate everything you told them about the loss and it seems like they understand. They understand enough to repeat the facts back to you but reality doesn’t make sense to them yet. Try to give concise, consistent answers. You may feel like a broken record but the repetition helps your preschooler make sense out of his world. For remembrance: Give a blanket that once belonged to your person who has died to your child to help them feel close to the one they miss and this will help to keep them warm. Or make a blanket together with photos of your person on it for your child. If your child continues to ask these questions consistently and isn’t able to make sense out of them after the rest of your family seems to have moved toward acceptance, it may be time to seek play therapy for your child. 

 

 

Early Elementary (5-8 years)

Around age 5 or 6 children begin to understand the concept of death both that it is permanent and that it happens to everyone, it will even happen to them. This is often very frightening. Speak to them simply but honestly about death. If you have a faith tradition you may want to meet with your spiritual leader about how to explain death and the afterlife to children. If you don’t have a faith tradition be true to your own beliefs and values with your child but try to explain it as simply as possible. Your child may feel a sense of responsibility or guilt for this loss. Reassure them that they did not cause their person to die or for Mom to move out, etc. Your child may need therapy to release their feelings of guilt. For remembrance: Your child will have their own important memories of their person. Help them put together a photo album that they can keep in their room. They may choose photos that you wouldn’t choose like photos from the funeral or of their loved one’s gravestone. It is ok to let them keep these. If your child seems to be stuck in fear or overly fixated on morbid things for an extended period of time, it maybe time to seek play therapy. 

 

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Stop Being the Ref in Your Family

Sibling relationships are incredibly important and intensely frustrating! Having a brother or sister teaches kids important things like:
Love is not scarce. It is wide and expansive. Just because Mom and Dad brought home a new baby, it doesn’t mean they love me less. Siblings teach us that love grows. 

A sibling can be a built in support system for the times that life is disappointing all the way through life from standing up to a bully on the playground for their sibling to supporting each other as adults when you their parents decline and age. 

So, if having a sibling is so wonderful, why is it such a nightmare day to day?
1. Kids are new to this social skill. They need you to teach them assertiveness. Your daughter may say, “Mom, Avery took my Barbie. Tell her to give it back!” Instead of being the Barbie ref, help your daughter learn to advocate for herself.

Say something like:

It sounds like you’re really frustrated that Avery took your Barbie. Take some deep breaths to get calm and then use your strong and respectful voice to get Avery to give the Barbie back.

2. Instead of intervening in the conflict, put on your sportscaster hat.

Rather than you making the decision (Sara gets the Barbie or Avery gets the Barbie or goodwill gets the Barbie), provide feedback on what you observe- similar to a sportscaster.

I hear that you guys are both really frustrated.

Sara, you feel like Avery took the Barbie from you

Avery you feel like you have every right to play with the Barbie because it is yours.

Allow them to come up with a solution or give up and play respectfully anyways. 

3. If you don’t have time or patience to be the sportscaster, set a boundary.

There are times when you don’t have the time or the patience to be the sportscaster and you just need the bickering to STOP! In cases like this it is ok for you to set clear boundaries:

If you guys cannot work this out together in 30 seconds you’re both going to be sent to your rooms for quiet time until my meeting is over.

Then after the meeting give your kids the chance to work out the issue from before, if it still seems important to them. Either way take the time to explain to them that when they choose to have conflict respectfully they choose to continue playing. When they don’t, they choose to have to go to their rooms for quiet time.

If you have questions about sibling rivalry or would like to schedule a sibling session contact: kate@eastdallastherapy.com

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