Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Stressed About What Others Think

Sometimes unhealthy relationships give you weird skills. For instance, you may realize you pick up on the tiniest changes in facial expressions. Others don’t even notice, but you’re already registering someone else’s body language and slight variations in tone. You can guess what others are thinking and feeling before they even say a word.

That’s called mindreading, and many people do it. In fact, sometimes people expect you to do it. That’s how you acquired the skill in the first place. Maybe you grew up in a family where direct communication was discouraged. If you didn’t guess what people wanted before they said something, you got in trouble or were accused of not loving them enough to figure it out.

Or maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship that required a lot of mindreading. You may have gotten used to constantly scanning conversations for warning signs of the next meltdown or blowup. In any case, mindreading helped you avoid danger. You learned to read the cues so you could either step in to prevent something bad from happening or run away from it.

As useful as it is, though, mindreading comes with its own problems. For one thing, accurately guessing what others think 100% of the time is impossible! Spending so much energy on reading between the lines can be exhausting. Plus, the more you try to guess what other people think, the more likely you are to eventually misunderstand them.

While mindreading may have been a useful tool to have in a toxic relationship, it may no longer work as well in other relationships. This is because abusive relationships teach you to expect the negative. For example, if a friend doesn’t reply to your text, you automatically assume the negative – they don’t like you anymore – rather than assuming the positive – they’re just busy and will get back to you later.

When you feel tempted to mindread, it can be helpful to remind yourself:

·         Mindreading helped me survive…

·         …but it’s an impossible task that puts too much pressure on me.

·         It’s not my responsibility to guess what others want/think/feel.

·         If others want something, they can clearly communicate their needs to me.

·         Instead of stressing and guessing, I can ask others what they think.

Mindreading can happen so automatically you don’t notice when you’re doing it. If you’d like some help figuring out how to let go of stressing over what others think, set up an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com or contact summer@eastdallastherapy.com.

Depression, Kids Mental Health, Parenting

When parents bring their kids to therapy it’s usually for these reasons:

We support families in East Dallas in all sorts of ways.

Kids sometimes need someone to talk to other than their parents. And parents need a sounding board, a support person in helping their kids be a success. We like to bring families more peace in their homes. We help you focus your parenting strategy and build consistency and security in your family.

Here are some reasons families come to us for counseling:

  1. Parent coaching
  2. A child has a mental health diagnosis: ADD, ADHD, Spectrum Disorders, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD 
  3. A child is differently abled and needs help coping with big feelings
  4. A family is grieving a loss or a recent trauma
  5. A child needs help being assertive
  6. A child needs learn to calm down anger outbursts or other big emotions

Kate Miller, LPC is our family therapist and can meet your kid where they’re at and give them the tools they need to succeed. Read more about her here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Grief According to Developmental Age for Young Children

Death and loss are not things that we talk about openly as a society, so when we (as adults) are faced with loss we feel confused and overwhelmed. If the adults are sad and confused children are too. Here are some quick tips about how grief works at different ages to (hopefully) help you as you parent during a time of profound loss. It may be helpful for you to read the age/stage right above and/or below your child’s age because there is overlap in behaviors, especially when a child has significant regression. We are so sorry for your loss. Please reach out if we can help in any way.

 

 

Babies and Toddlers (0-2 years)

“Children are great observers and horrible interpreters.”

– Terry Kottman

Even very young babies know when their caregivers are grieving because they regulate their body and brain to their grown-up. People often say things like, “Oh, she’s so little. She won’t remember.” She likely won’t remember but she will still be affected so here are some tips if you have a baby or toddler in your home while you are grieving.

-Connection is everything. Make sure your little one has plenty of skin to skin, nursing, baths and naps with you. It’s okay to express your emotions around your little ones just make sure they have lots of verbal and physical reassurance, “Mommy is sad right now. Sad isok. Sad isn’t forever. I love you. You are safe.”

-Try to keep your child as warm as possible. Warm= safe for little ones.

-Recognize that they may regress (having trouble self-soothing, talking, etc.)

This is normal as long as it doesn’t last too long. Consult your PCP if you are concerned about your child.For remembrance: Keep photos of the person your child has lost on their eye level so they can continue to connect with them.

 

 

Preschoolers (3-4 years)

A lot of what was explained for babies and toddlers will hold true for preschoolers, so please read above. Preschoolers will struggle with the permanence of the loss. It is normal for them to ask things like when their loved one is going to come back from Heaven or Is it time for Daddy to move back home yet, even when they can articulate everything you told them about the loss and it seems like they understand. They understand enough to repeat the facts back to you but reality doesn’t make sense to them yet. Try to give concise, consistent answers. You may feel like a broken record but the repetition helps your preschooler make sense out of his world. For remembrance: Give a blanket that once belonged to your person who has died to your child to help them feel close to the one they miss and this will help to keep them warm. Or make a blanket together with photos of your person on it for your child. If your child continues to ask these questions consistently and isn’t able to make sense out of them after the rest of your family seems to have moved toward acceptance, it may be time to seek play therapy for your child. 

 

 

Early Elementary (5-8 years)

Around age 5 or 6 children begin to understand the concept of death both that it is permanent and that it happens to everyone, it will even happen to them. This is often very frightening. Speak to them simply but honestly about death. If you have a faith tradition you may want to meet with your spiritual leader about how to explain death and the afterlife to children. If you don’t have a faith tradition be true to your own beliefs and values with your child but try to explain it as simply as possible. Your child may feel a sense of responsibility or guilt for this loss. Reassure them that they did not cause their person to die or for Mom to move out, etc. Your child may need therapy to release their feelings of guilt. For remembrance: Your child will have their own important memories of their person. Help them put together a photo album that they can keep in their room. They may choose photos that you wouldn’t choose like photos from the funeral or of their loved one’s gravestone. It is ok to let them keep these. If your child seems to be stuck in fear or overly fixated on morbid things for an extended period of time, it maybe time to seek play therapy. 

 

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Stop Being the Ref in Your Family

Sibling relationships are incredibly important and intensely frustrating! Having a brother or sister teaches kids important things like:
Love is not scarce. It is wide and expansive. Just because Mom and Dad brought home a new baby, it doesn’t mean they love me less. Siblings teach us that love grows. 

A sibling can be a built in support system for the times that life is disappointing all the way through life from standing up to a bully on the playground for their sibling to supporting each other as adults when you their parents decline and age. 

So, if having a sibling is so wonderful, why is it such a nightmare day to day?
1. Kids are new to this social skill. They need you to teach them assertiveness. Your daughter may say, “Mom, Avery took my Barbie. Tell her to give it back!” Instead of being the Barbie ref, help your daughter learn to advocate for herself.

Say something like:

It sounds like you’re really frustrated that Avery took your Barbie. Take some deep breaths to get calm and then use your strong and respectful voice to get Avery to give the Barbie back.

2. Instead of intervening in the conflict, put on your sportscaster hat.

Rather than you making the decision (Sara gets the Barbie or Avery gets the Barbie or goodwill gets the Barbie), provide feedback on what you observe- similar to a sportscaster.

I hear that you guys are both really frustrated.

Sara, you feel like Avery took the Barbie from you

Avery you feel like you have every right to play with the Barbie because it is yours.

Allow them to come up with a solution or give up and play respectfully anyways. 

3. If you don’t have time or patience to be the sportscaster, set a boundary.

There are times when you don’t have the time or the patience to be the sportscaster and you just need the bickering to STOP! In cases like this it is ok for you to set clear boundaries:

If you guys cannot work this out together in 30 seconds you’re both going to be sent to your rooms for quiet time until my meeting is over.

Then after the meeting give your kids the chance to work out the issue from before, if it still seems important to them. Either way take the time to explain to them that when they choose to have conflict respectfully they choose to continue playing. When they don’t, they choose to have to go to their rooms for quiet time.

If you have questions about sibling rivalry or would like to schedule a sibling session contact: kate@eastdallastherapy.com

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health

What does kid’s anxiety look like?

Parents, I know back to school is a stressful time for everyone. ESPECIALLY right now, we’re all facing fears and changes that aren’t easy.

When your kid isn’t coping very well- it can be tough to figure out what’s going on.

  • Is it anxiety?
  • Is it just worry?
  • Is it rebellion?

We want to clarify what anxiety looks like in kids. Anxiety in kids looks different than it does in adults. Our in house child therapist, Kate Miller, explains the difference…

Anxiety can look like hyperactivity

Anxiety in kids (especially young kids) can look like the inability to be still (in ways that are usually normal for them) and the inability to focus. This can sometimes be identified as ADD or ADHD when it is really anxiety. 

Anxiety can look like regression.

Anxiety in kids can look like regression in development, which can be, having accidents after being consistently potty trained, returning to baby talk or renewed separation anxiety.

Anxiety can look like becoming withdrawn or frozen.

Anxiety in kids can look like a lack of interest in the things that they used to be important to them. This can be school, sports or friendships. 

So what can you do about it?

It’s important to try to identify what’s going on with your kid. Sometimes we see the “negative” behaviors our kids have and think it’s an attitude problem or something that needs to be corrected. But if you see these more specific behaviors, it may be anxiety. As a parent when your kid is anxious what they need most is someone to listen- even to the irrational fears. “My teacher hates me” or “I’m never going back to school!” They can try to release that tension in irrational ways- but if we can respond with compassion first, they will feel heard. When a kid feels heard, it’s much easier for them to calm down. Once they’re calm, you can talk about how to express their emotions differently, you can bring in consequences (it’s ok to feel anxious about going back to school, but it’s not ok to refuse to get in the car in the morning).

One more thing to remember: when you’re dealing with your kid’s mental health, always reach out for more help! Ask the school counselor or talk to a family therapist.