Marriage Counseling, Trauma

How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Partner

“Oh no, it’s happening again. I want to tell him I’m upset, but I can’t seem to speak.”

“I just threw a tantrum over nothing, like some little kid. I feel so silly! What’s wrong with me?”

 

 

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not crazy. It’s common for childhood trauma to show up in unexpected ways, especially in close relationships with others. A certain tone or phrase from your partner can trigger an intense reaction that feels out of place in the moment. Even if you know your partner didn’t mean any harm, you may find yourself overwhelmed with such strong emotions that you feel out of control. Often, these feelings stem from the past. Even if they’re buried deep down, unprocessed emotions have a tendency of leaking out again when we least expect it.

 

 

Because childhood trauma so often involves our earliest relationships, it makes sense that old patterns of coping show up in our most intimate relationships. Your mind is always vigilant, ready to protect you from any perceived relational threat. Even if your partner is supportive, your trauma may convince you that you don’t deserve their love. If your partner has a hard time understanding, invalidating messages like “you’re too sensitive” or “stop being so emotional” can trigger you all over again. So how do you keep past trauma from wreaking havoc in the here and now?

 

 

This is why it’s so important to find a counselor you feel safe with. Working with a trauma counselor can help you identify old relational patterns and triggers, and cope with the overwhelming emotions that follow. When you experience new ways of relating in the context of a safe relationship, old patterns begin to change, promoting healthier relationships with others. Past trauma affects the present – but it doesn’t always have to. 

If you would like to hear more about how childhood trauma can affect your relationship with your partner, you can contact Summer Greenlee, LPC Associate.

Here is the link to learn more about Summer:

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Depression, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Trauma

When parents bring their kids to therapy it’s usually for these reasons:

We support families in East Dallas in all sorts of ways.

Kids sometimes need someone to talk to other than their parents. And parents need a sounding board, a support person in helping their kids be a success. We like to bring families more peace in their homes. We help you focus your parenting strategy and build consistency and security in your family.

Here are some reasons families come to us for counseling:

  1. Parent coaching
  2. A child has a mental health diagnosis: ADD, ADHD, Spectrum Disorders, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD 
  3. A child is differently abled and needs help coping with big feelings
  4. A family is grieving a loss or a recent trauma
  5. A child needs help being assertive
  6. A child needs learn to calm down anger outbursts or other big emotions

Kate Miller, LPC is our family therapist and can meet your kid where they’re at and give them the tools they need to succeed. Read more about her here.

Kids Mental Health, Parenting

Grief According to Developmental Age for Young Children

Death and loss are not things that we talk about openly as a society, so when we (as adults) are faced with loss we feel confused and overwhelmed. If the adults are sad and confused children are too. Here are some quick tips about how grief works at different ages to (hopefully) help you as you parent during a time of profound loss. It may be helpful for you to read the age/stage right above and/or below your child’s age because there is overlap in behaviors, especially when a child has significant regression. We are so sorry for your loss. Please reach out if we can help in any way.

 

 

Babies and Toddlers (0-2 years)

“Children are great observers and horrible interpreters.”

– Terry Kottman

Even very young babies know when their caregivers are grieving because they regulate their body and brain to their grown-up. People often say things like, “Oh, she’s so little. She won’t remember.” She likely won’t remember but she will still be affected so here are some tips if you have a baby or toddler in your home while you are grieving.

-Connection is everything. Make sure your little one has plenty of skin to skin, nursing, baths and naps with you. It’s okay to express your emotions around your little ones just make sure they have lots of verbal and physical reassurance, “Mommy is sad right now. Sad isok. Sad isn’t forever. I love you. You are safe.”

-Try to keep your child as warm as possible. Warm= safe for little ones.

-Recognize that they may regress (having trouble self-soothing, talking, etc.)

This is normal as long as it doesn’t last too long. Consult your PCP if you are concerned about your child.For remembrance: Keep photos of the person your child has lost on their eye level so they can continue to connect with them.

 

 

Preschoolers (3-4 years)

A lot of what was explained for babies and toddlers will hold true for preschoolers, so please read above. Preschoolers will struggle with the permanence of the loss. It is normal for them to ask things like when their loved one is going to come back from Heaven or Is it time for Daddy to move back home yet, even when they can articulate everything you told them about the loss and it seems like they understand. They understand enough to repeat the facts back to you but reality doesn’t make sense to them yet. Try to give concise, consistent answers. You may feel like a broken record but the repetition helps your preschooler make sense out of his world. For remembrance: Give a blanket that once belonged to your person who has died to your child to help them feel close to the one they miss and this will help to keep them warm. Or make a blanket together with photos of your person on it for your child. If your child continues to ask these questions consistently and isn’t able to make sense out of them after the rest of your family seems to have moved toward acceptance, it may be time to seek play therapy for your child. 

 

 

Early Elementary (5-8 years)

Around age 5 or 6 children begin to understand the concept of death both that it is permanent and that it happens to everyone, it will even happen to them. This is often very frightening. Speak to them simply but honestly about death. If you have a faith tradition you may want to meet with your spiritual leader about how to explain death and the afterlife to children. If you don’t have a faith tradition be true to your own beliefs and values with your child but try to explain it as simply as possible. Your child may feel a sense of responsibility or guilt for this loss. Reassure them that they did not cause their person to die or for Mom to move out, etc. Your child may need therapy to release their feelings of guilt. For remembrance: Your child will have their own important memories of their person. Help them put together a photo album that they can keep in their room. They may choose photos that you wouldn’t choose like photos from the funeral or of their loved one’s gravestone. It is ok to let them keep these. If your child seems to be stuck in fear or overly fixated on morbid things for an extended period of time, it maybe time to seek play therapy. 

 

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