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Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Are you gaslighting yourself?

It’s normal and healthy to question your own judgment sometimes. Nobody is perfect when it comes to decision-making, so it’s wise to consult with others and consider alternative perspectives. But when does self-questioning evolve into anxiety-inducing self-doubt?

A lot of different factors can lead to chronic self-doubt, but one major contributor is a toxic relationship where gaslighting is the norm. Gaslighting occurs when someone attempts to deceive you into believing that what you’ve seen, experienced, heard, or felt isn’t true. It’s essentially saying, “That never happened, you’re just imagining things!”
 
This isn’t the same thing as correcting a misunderstanding or attempting to explain a different perspective on an issue. Gaslighting is when someone knowingly lies about reality. Often people will gaslight to avoid taking responsibility for a wrongdoing. To distract from their behaviors, they claim that others are crazy or delusional.
 
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship – whether with a romantic partner, parent, friend, boss, or even system within society itself. But the more often it occurs in the relationship, the more likely the person on the receiving end will begin to experience self-doubt. This is because gaslighting plays on our natural instinct to check and make sure we’re doing the right thing. When someone else is constantly questioning you, it’s easy to begin second-guessing everything you do!

That’s when gaslighting gets internalized. Pretty soon, the person doing the gaslighting doesn’t even have to be around anymore for the self-doubt to persist, because you begin gaslighting yourself:

                “Was that person rude? No, I’m probably being too sensitive again.”

                “I don’t think this career is right for me. Of course, I’m probably just

                 taking things too seriously.”

                “I shouldn’t feel this way. Why do I always have to be so dramatic?”

The messages you end up telling yourself are that you’re not capable, not good enough, and not trustworthy. But even if you’ve experienced gaslighting, you’re not doomed to remain stuck in self-doubt forever. Part of healing is learning how to trust your gut again.
Here are some steps you can take to rebuild trust in yourself:
1.       If you catch yourself gaslighting your own experience, ask yourself, “where did I first learn this message?”
2.       Think about times in your life when you’ve made decisions for yourself that turned out well.
3.       Follow through on your word to yourself. For example, if you tell yourself you’re going to take a break after a busy day, make sure you take a break.
4.       Listen to your body’s needs. Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full. Stay hydrated. Check your energy levels and get good rest.
5.       Check with people you trust to see if they agree with your judgment. The words of people who are validating can help replace the words of the person gaslighting.

For more information about gaslighting, read this article on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

What You Resist, Persists

It’s a paradox but it’s true. The more we try to push something away the more is seems to follow us. We do this with negative thoughts or bad memories. We feel it coming on and we try to push past it. Depending on how you’re wired, you might struggle against those thoughts. Or you might give in and let them flood you. Either way, it is persisting in your mind, sometimes getting caught in your body.
 
I struggle with self-doubt. Sometimes I feel not good enough. I strive to be better and be more. I feel like I need to earn my rest, and I think I have to prove that I belong.
 
These kinds of thoughts pop up all the time. I have let anxiety take me under in times of my life. And I have wrestled with it and tried to rise above it in other times in my life. But after trying both of these, I can tell you, my fears and limiting beliefs still persisted.
 
I have discovered that what seems to take the power out of these thoughts is acceptance as I’ve read about acceptance and commitment therapy created by Dr Russ Harris. These thoughts are like a giant scary monster towering over me, when I choose acceptance rather than to wrestle, the air is released, and it deflates.
 

A few things about acceptance:

  • It doesn’t mean you are letting yourself live according to that belief, fear or though.
  • It doesn’t mean it will never change.
  • It won’t make you feel instantly happier.

But what acceptance DOES DO:

  • It regulates the nervous system so you can make choices rather than reacting out of emotions.
  • After acceptance you can commit to a different action, behavior or thought.
  • It helps you accept where you are now, then commit to changing.
  • You build self-compassion rather than shaming yourself.
Wanna know more about this??
Read The Happiness Trap
 
Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Discovering Your Relationship Values

If you struggle with trusting yourself when it comes to finding a healthy romantic relationship, here’s an exercise you can use to tune in to what’s most important to you:

1. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns.

2. Title the first column: “Red Flags”

In this column, make a list of warning signs that show you somebody probably isn’t right for you. Consider what traits or qualities about past relationships you didn’t like. Red flags can include certain words or phrases, character qualities, specific behaviors, or lack thereof. You can also include things you just don’t prefer in a partner.

Examples: “rarely apologizes” “lack of affection,” “tells me I’m too sensitive,” “criticizes my appearance,” “doesn’t like sports,” “always wants to stay at home,” “always wants to go out,” “doesn’t like my friends”.

Begin comparing potential partners to this list. The more red flags you notice, the more likely the relationship won’t be rewarding for you in the long run.

3. Title the second column: “Green Flags”

For green flags, list what you’re looking for in a partner. What values are important to you that you want them to share? What character qualities make you feel safe to be yourself? If you have trouble coming up with any, think about friends, family members, or others in your life who you’ve felt safe with in the past. What led you to feel that way? Remember, these are the things you value and prefer. It’s okay if your list doesn’t look the same as someone else’s. 

Examples: “honest,” “loves animals,” “good listener,” “kind,” “let’s me know how they feel,” “gives good hugs,” “enjoys traveling,” “likes the same music,” “works hard,” “volunteers for similar causes,” “laughs easily”

You may not find someone who shows every green flag on your list, but the more green flags you notice, the better!

4. Title the third column: “Dealbreakers”

Dealbreakers are similar to red flags, but much more serious. You may meet someone who has one or two red flags, but they have so many green flags the relationship is still worth pursuing. Dealbreakers, however, are your signs that the relationship must end immediately. The person can have all the green flags in the world, but if they cross even one of these lines, it’s over. Dealbreakers are the qualities and behaviors you absolutely cannot live with.

Examples: “hates my family,” “physically abusive,” “manipulative,” “wants me to quit my job and move,” “doesn’t want to start a family,” “controlling,” “refuses to work,” “criminal behaviors,” “compulsive liar,” “unwilling to travel”

 Note that some of the examples, such as not wanting to start a family, are personal preferences. Again, your dealbreakers don’t have to look like everybody else’s. Think about what you specifically wouldn’t be able to tolerate in a relationship.

Identifying what you personally value in relationships can help you begin to develop an internal compass and point you in a more intentional direction.

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