Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Morgan

3 positivity statements and why I hate them. 

The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.

This statement is not only unrealistic but promises an outcome that’s not true.  I’m wondering if the person wrote this has any family members at all. Or has been in public spaces?  Negative people are everywhere.  We can all probably name someone in our family who has been negative at times.  We can all think of a time WE have been negative at times. 

What is it like to just not respond to negative people? Does it give you more peace? I think it’s possible to find peace by picking your battles with people. But this is usually with people you aren’t in regular contact with or aren’t in a long-term relationship with-like your grandma or neighbor. 

Another issue with this statement is that it can be enabling someone to continue their pattern of negativity, which steals your peace overtime. It wears down your serene bubble until it bursts and you’re more tense, angry and hurt than ever before.  So maybe responding to someone’s negativity actually brings you more peace???

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

This one makes me want to 🤢.  Should I just leave it at that?  For anyone who has seen hardship of any kind, this can be tone deaf to our experience. 

We all struggle with how to be grateful for what we have.  We want to see the beauty in our everyday life, but it’s not at the exclusion of the difficulty, the struggle.  It’s an oversimplification of life and makes it seem like there is a space of happiness we confined if we just look.  I.E., if you’re not happy, you’re not trying hard enough. 

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

I have so many problems with this.  Do YOU always feel like sunshine? Does your best friend always feel like sunshine?  

First of all, this is (obviously) unrealistic, but secondly, it’s encouraging us to distance ourselves from those who challenge us.  If everyone did this, no one would grow or change and no one would to to therapy. 

Surrounding ourselves with people who are kind and caring is important, but friction in relationships helps to sharpen us. It is a sign of maturity to have the emotional resilience to withstand conflict and challenge in relationships.

Toxic positivity is based in an assumption that we can go through life without struggle, without friction, without uncertainty, and without pain.

Toxic positivity attempts to sidestep all of these so we can find real peace, happiness, and sunshine. This works as long as you don’t go through anything hard. But as soon as you face something that hurts like when a friend betrays you or someone says a negative comment, you realize you can’t find all those happy feelings. 

What’s worse, you begin to blame yourself for losing touch with that peace, that happiness and that sunshine. It also becomes a problem when you act contrary to these mantras. Like when YOU ARE the negative person in someone’s life, or when YOU ARE causing someone else to feel unhappy, and you ARE NOT the sunshine that someone needs.

We shame ourselves for being “negative and ungrateful” and feel inferior to others. Toxic positivity does so much damage to us. Even as I googled these images, I was feeling pretty good about myself. But the more I saw, I see that it doesn’t offer any real hope. A joy-filled, gritty, messy, but fulfilling life is really what I’m after.

At East Dallas Therapy we hope that you can find those people in your life who give you constructive feedback and support- not negativity.  We hope that you can show gratitude (generally) but don’t force yourself to feel happy all the time.


We hope that you show grace to others when they can’t be all you need.

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Are you gaslighting yourself?

It’s normal and healthy to question your own judgment sometimes. Nobody is perfect when it comes to decision-making, so it’s wise to consult with others and consider alternative perspectives. But when does self-questioning evolve into anxiety-inducing self-doubt?

A lot of different factors can lead to chronic self-doubt, but one major contributor is a toxic relationship where gaslighting is the norm. Gaslighting occurs when someone attempts to deceive you into believing that what you’ve seen, experienced, heard, or felt isn’t true. It’s essentially saying, “That never happened, you’re just imagining things!”
 
This isn’t the same thing as correcting a misunderstanding or attempting to explain a different perspective on an issue. Gaslighting is when someone knowingly lies about reality. Often people will gaslight to avoid taking responsibility for a wrongdoing. To distract from their behaviors, they claim that others are crazy or delusional.
 
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship – whether with a romantic partner, parent, friend, boss, or even system within society itself. But the more often it occurs in the relationship, the more likely the person on the receiving end will begin to experience self-doubt. This is because gaslighting plays on our natural instinct to check and make sure we’re doing the right thing. When someone else is constantly questioning you, it’s easy to begin second-guessing everything you do!

That’s when gaslighting gets internalized. Pretty soon, the person doing the gaslighting doesn’t even have to be around anymore for the self-doubt to persist, because you begin gaslighting yourself:

                “Was that person rude? No, I’m probably being too sensitive again.”

                “I don’t think this career is right for me. Of course, I’m probably just

                 taking things too seriously.”

                “I shouldn’t feel this way. Why do I always have to be so dramatic?”

The messages you end up telling yourself are that you’re not capable, not good enough, and not trustworthy. But even if you’ve experienced gaslighting, you’re not doomed to remain stuck in self-doubt forever. Part of healing is learning how to trust your gut again.
Here are some steps you can take to rebuild trust in yourself:
1.       If you catch yourself gaslighting your own experience, ask yourself, “where did I first learn this message?”
2.       Think about times in your life when you’ve made decisions for yourself that turned out well.
3.       Follow through on your word to yourself. For example, if you tell yourself you’re going to take a break after a busy day, make sure you take a break.
4.       Listen to your body’s needs. Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full. Stay hydrated. Check your energy levels and get good rest.
5.       Check with people you trust to see if they agree with your judgment. The words of people who are validating can help replace the words of the person gaslighting.

For more information about gaslighting, read this article on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

What You Resist, Persists

It’s a paradox but it’s true. The more we try to push something away the more is seems to follow us. We do this with negative thoughts or bad memories. We feel it coming on and we try to push past it. Depending on how you’re wired, you might struggle against those thoughts. Or you might give in and let them flood you. Either way, it is persisting in your mind, sometimes getting caught in your body.
 
I struggle with self-doubt. Sometimes I feel not good enough. I strive to be better and be more. I feel like I need to earn my rest, and I think I have to prove that I belong.
 
These kinds of thoughts pop up all the time. I have let anxiety take me under in times of my life. And I have wrestled with it and tried to rise above it in other times in my life. But after trying both of these, I can tell you, my fears and limiting beliefs still persisted.
 
I have discovered that what seems to take the power out of these thoughts is acceptance as I’ve read about acceptance and commitment therapy created by Dr Russ Harris. These thoughts are like a giant scary monster towering over me, when I choose acceptance rather than to wrestle, the air is released, and it deflates.
 

A few things about acceptance:

  • It doesn’t mean you are letting yourself live according to that belief, fear or though.
  • It doesn’t mean it will never change.
  • It won’t make you feel instantly happier.

But what acceptance DOES DO:

  • It regulates the nervous system so you can make choices rather than reacting out of emotions.
  • After acceptance you can commit to a different action, behavior or thought.
  • It helps you accept where you are now, then commit to changing.
  • You build self-compassion rather than shaming yourself.
Wanna know more about this??
Read The Happiness Trap
 
Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

Discovering Your Relationship Values

If you struggle with trusting yourself when it comes to finding a healthy romantic relationship, here’s an exercise you can use to tune in to what’s most important to you:

1. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns.

2. Title the first column: “Red Flags”

In this column, make a list of warning signs that show you somebody probably isn’t right for you. Consider what traits or qualities about past relationships you didn’t like. Red flags can include certain words or phrases, character qualities, specific behaviors, or lack thereof. You can also include things you just don’t prefer in a partner.

Examples: “rarely apologizes” “lack of affection,” “tells me I’m too sensitive,” “criticizes my appearance,” “doesn’t like sports,” “always wants to stay at home,” “always wants to go out,” “doesn’t like my friends”.

Begin comparing potential partners to this list. The more red flags you notice, the more likely the relationship won’t be rewarding for you in the long run.

3. Title the second column: “Green Flags”

For green flags, list what you’re looking for in a partner. What values are important to you that you want them to share? What character qualities make you feel safe to be yourself? If you have trouble coming up with any, think about friends, family members, or others in your life who you’ve felt safe with in the past. What led you to feel that way? Remember, these are the things you value and prefer. It’s okay if your list doesn’t look the same as someone else’s. 

Examples: “honest,” “loves animals,” “good listener,” “kind,” “let’s me know how they feel,” “gives good hugs,” “enjoys traveling,” “likes the same music,” “works hard,” “volunteers for similar causes,” “laughs easily”

You may not find someone who shows every green flag on your list, but the more green flags you notice, the better!

4. Title the third column: “Dealbreakers”

Dealbreakers are similar to red flags, but much more serious. You may meet someone who has one or two red flags, but they have so many green flags the relationship is still worth pursuing. Dealbreakers, however, are your signs that the relationship must end immediately. The person can have all the green flags in the world, but if they cross even one of these lines, it’s over. Dealbreakers are the qualities and behaviors you absolutely cannot live with.

Examples: “hates my family,” “physically abusive,” “manipulative,” “wants me to quit my job and move,” “doesn’t want to start a family,” “controlling,” “refuses to work,” “criminal behaviors,” “compulsive liar,” “unwilling to travel”

 Note that some of the examples, such as not wanting to start a family, are personal preferences. Again, your dealbreakers don’t have to look like everybody else’s. Think about what you specifically wouldn’t be able to tolerate in a relationship.

Identifying what you personally value in relationships can help you begin to develop an internal compass and point you in a more intentional direction.

Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry for Being Sorry

Do you ever find yourself over-apologizing?

 In his book on complex PTSD, Pete Walker tells the story of a time he accidentally ran into a chair and found himself apologizing to it. That moment opened his eyes to a deeper issue: constantly apologizing even when unnecessary.

If this sounds like your experience, you may find yourself apologizing for many things that are totally outside your control. Family and friends may call you out on it just to hear the response once more: “I’m sorry!”

While there can be many different causes to this issue, chronic over-apologizing can also be a sign of a trauma response. For those who have been through relational trauma in particular, the underlying message of “sorry” is often

“I’m sorry for being here. I’m such a problem. I’m sorry for being me.”

It can initially develop as a survival skill when you’re stuck in a toxic relationship. The apologies involve blaming yourself to appease the other person and prevent their rage, punishment, or neglectful behaviors. Sometimes this survival skill works, or at least lessens the damage. However, it often becomes overgeneralized. Due to the constant fear of getting in trouble, you find yourself apologizing everywhere you go, no matter who you’re with. And after blaming yourself for everything so many times, shame sets in.

When you’ve been over-apologizing for so long, how do you break the habit? The first thing to do is notice yourself apologizing. Whenever you catch yourself saying sorry, take a moment to ask yourself some questions:

  • What am I apologizing for?
  • Would I expect someone else to apologize for the same thing?
  • What do I want my apology to accomplish?
  • How do I feel right now?
  • What do I sense I need most in this moment?

These questions can help you figure out if you’re apologizing for healthy reasons (such as for missing a deadline or losing your temper with a friend) or if it’s because you’re triggered. And once you know you’re triggered, you can begin taking steps to help calm your nervous system and re-regulate.

The shame messages underlying chronic over-apologizing can be tough to combat. For more strategies, read Pete Walker’s book: “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.” You can also schedule a session with a counselor at eastdallastherapy.com.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

6 Places to Make Friends

I have noticed a trend in the last few years as a therapist.  So many people talk about feeling isolated and lonely. I think we don’t know how to make friends as adults! It’s like dating, but with less social structure around it.
 
Finding a new friend requires you to show up to “dates” with new friends (strangers), not knowing what they are like. It can feel vulnerable, boring, and time consuming! So, this is your encouragement to keep trying!  Commit to those people in your life regularly. Convenience is sometimes more important than finding someone you perfectly click with.
 
Relationships are based in shared experiences. That means you have to show up over and over and build those memories together.  There are people out there with the same desires as you. I KNOW people in your community want connection and real relationships that will last a lifetime just like you do. None of us want to go into the next few decades of your life as an island trying to be self-sufficient.

Here are some easy ways to meet new friends.

1. Join a running club or workout group. Some of my faves are: Caulfield Dance, Bar Method, and Dallas Running Club
2. Attend an artsy workshop- Rachel Larlee Creates, Dallasites list of art workshops
3. Attend an art opening or lecture- Art House Dallas has so many amazing events
4. Start a book club in your neighborhood (remember convenience is important!)
5. Throw a patio party. Invite who you know and have them invite someone else!
6. For new moms, join your neighborhood moms’ group- most areas have one that holds events for you with or without babies.
With most of these activities this won’t launch you into deep relationships. It will take you stepping out and engaging with people. So, after getting comfortable in some of these settings ask if people to do something else. It WILL NOT feel natural at first, but it will grow over time.

I want to normalize how weird this process is as an adult! But it’s possible to build a community that brings you fulfillment and connection.

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

It Wasn’t That Bad

Some days you might look at your symptoms and triggers and think to yourself, “I’ve been through so much it’s overwhelming!”

Trauma feels like the perfect word to describe it. But then the next day or even the next hour rolls around, and you find yourself thinking the total opposite: “I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” After all, you can easily point to someone else who’s had it worse.  

You feel like a ping pong ball, going back and forth about what happened to you. At this point, you may assume that if you can’t settle on whether your experience was that bad, it must not be. Wouldn’t someone with real trauma feel certain about what happened to them?

Actually, no.

It’s very common for people who have experienced trauma – whether mild, moderate, or severe – to question whether anything significant really happened to them. Even those who have endured years of violence and abuse find themselves discounting their experiences.

In some ways, this is highly adaptive. Sometimes people develop a part of themselves that pretends nothing occurred so they can go on with normal life for a time. It’s too hard to feel grief, shame, or fear while you’re trying to work or study in school. Denying the trauma helps.

However, usually the person has another part of themselves that still feels all those difficult emotions, and even if that part is hidden away for a time, it never really goes away. The result can feel like an inner battle. One part of you functions well in day-to-day life by ignoring the trauma, and the other part feels crushed by the trauma and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge it.

Whenever you’re feeling divided like that, take a moment to notice which side seems to be winning out and which side is getting stifled.

Try not to judge either one. Remind yourself that both parts have helped you in the past and it’s normal to have doubts. What feelings might you be avoiding? Are there other ways you can get through the day without invalidating the hurt you still feel? Lean into your support network while you focus on bridging the gap between the two sides.  

If you want to read more about how reconcile different parts of yourself in the aftermath of trauma, check out Janina Fisher’s book: “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.”

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

A New State of Grace

The crisp smell of Autumn brings a newness to my senses each year. 

It is during these early mornings where I find my greatest hideaway. Taking a walk and feeling the leaves crunching under my boots, breathing the cool air, and closing my eyes helps me to re-center my thoughts for that moment.  Anxiety and depression so often tend to resurface for many of us during this season.  Tasks to be completed, friends we want to spend time with, complex family dynamics, planning get togethers, work functions, family/kid schedules, all are part of our lives but can steadily begin to feel burdensome and overwhelming. 

Allowing ourselves to step away from our daily schedules, even if for 10 minutes can allow our mind and body the freedom to recharge. From here, we may gain new perspectives, feel the uncomfortable, and grant ourselves the grace to just exist. By creating a regular practice of self-care, we can begin to push away tendencies such as negative self-talk, getting stuck in the details, or comparing ourselves to others.  Self-care does not have to be a bathtub with candles and a book, instead self-care can be quite simple! 

Here are a few of my favorite calming practices, coupled with some input from the 20 something’s in my life:

  1. Gardening
  2. Driving with the windows down and my dog in the back seat, listening to music

  3. Organizing

  4. Playing guitar

  5. Crafting

  6. Playing piano

  7. Walk in nature

  8. Meditative Mind on Spotify

  9. Yoga

  10.  Looking at old photos

  11. Hot tea

  12. Reading a new book

During this holiday season, I encourage you to discover what calms you, what makes you feel light, and begin to let go of toxic expectations we tend to place on ourselves.  

Anxiety, Parenting, postpartum, Self-Care

Self-care… What does that even mean??

“Self-Care” has become a buzz word. It can mean so many different things. I have seen some people talk about spa days being self-care, and others talking about deeper self-care, like finding freedom from old ways of thinking or healing from past trauma as self care. 

As a therapist, my perspective is that self-care is all about asking for what you need. It’s about learning to show up fully in your life and not let other’s agenda, expectations, or your own people pleasing get in the way of you living a full and joyful life. I have created a step by step guide to self-care that dives into habits, scripts for how to ask for what you need, and even a visual activity that helps you think about those relationships in your life that are restorative and those that are draining. 

Download it below!

Download the Self-Care PDF

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Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

The Holiday Overload

The tinsel, the lights, the wrapping of gifts, the overload of food and cheersing ourselves into oblivion. 

 If ever there is a time of sensory overload it is the holidays. 

Too much to take in with our eyes:  the lights, the wish lists, decorations in every spare space.

With our ears: holiday songs on repeat, kids screeching excitedly or fully melting down, dogs howling at the fireworks

With our noses: heavy holiday foods, holiday candles of every possible concoction including winter sweater and Christmas sugar cookie, fire… did I leave something in the oven or is that just the fireplace?

With our mouths: sugary treats, savory delights, candy being offered to us and our kids at every turn, holiday greetings hoping we remembered to ask about the right things and people and didn’t step in it by asking about the boyfriend who didn’t make it past thanksgiving! 

With our hands: checking off lists, baking, wrapping gifts, shopping. Judging which sweater is just the right weight for her, wiping tears off cheeks, soothing disappointed kids, and grieving loved ones. Carefully cleaning up broken ornaments, hot candle wax dripping onto our hands as we try to stop and remember the sacred in the midst of the chaotic.

After all of this, it seems as though a rest might be in order but instead our culture demands we set aside our noise makers and glasses of champagne and decide our goals for the new year: GET FIT! GET ORGANIZED! GET THAT PROMOTION! THIS IS YOUR YEAR!

This may be your year to truly hustle and get all those goals accomplished before the calendar turns to February, but maybe you, like me, need to slow down and re-group before you start crushing your goals.

Maybe for you January looks like:

-Slowly take down all your holiday decorations and let things be a little barer around your home than it is the rest of the year, to give your eyes a rest. 

-Spending time in silence, either as a spiritual practice or just giving your mind and ears a rest. Instead of listening to a podcast on your way to work or kid music in the morning, maybe it would help to make space for silence. 

-Eating simple meals made at home to enjoy more slowly and to have less clean up. 

-Consider putting some of your gifts away out of sight until you can use them. If you got several books for Christmas but only put the one you’re reading on your nightstand and put the rest away. Or if you got a new candle but the one on the side of your tub still has a lot of life in it, put the new one in the cabinet and it will be a fun treat later in the year. Rotating toys, some in the closet, some in the toybox can make playing more enjoyable for kids, even though it may be hard on the front end. 

-Lastly, make a list of the things that help you feel rested and add some of them into your January. These things might be: Sunday afternoon naps, Family movie night, having your home professionally cleaned twice a month, walks by the lake, reading books regularly. Take some time in January to figure out what you and your family need to feel rested and then set clear goals for the new year.

Wishing you and yours a calm and contented 2023.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

On Humans and Holidays

Take a moment to think about what it’s like being human. What is it that makes you human? There’s your physical body. You also possess certain gifts that come with being human, like the ability to reason, plan, and relate with others. Then there are shortcomings all humans face. For example, you’ve only got a limited amount of strength, time, and resources.

This may all seem pretty obvious, but it can be easy at times to forget about being human. Instead, we begin operating in one of two ways:

  1. Superhuman: Take the holiday season, for instance. You may experience an enormous amount of pressure to operate outside of your limits: stretch the finances, attend every event, make everybody happy, do everything just right to create the perfect memories. And those aren’t bad things to desire – the only problem is that if we push ourselves to perform at a superhuman capacity, eventually our resources hit rock bottom, and that’s when feelings of failure and shame can creep in. The message we keep telling ourselves is, “You should be more than this!”
  2. Subhuman: When you struggle to meet expectations for yourself, or if you were treated poorly growing up or in important relationships, you can find yourself falling into a mindset that you’re somehow less than other people. Feeling subhuman can also happen during the holiday season, especially if we’re around others who put us down or bulldoze over boundaries. We may end up avoiding setting boundaries at all or try to fade into the background as guilt and shame set in. The message we end up telling ourselves here is, “You’ll never be enough.”   

Giving yourself the time and space to be human can be liberating. Instead of reaching for unattainable perfection or feeling so much despair you avoid reaching for anything at all, you get to be you. Being human means, you’re allowed to make mistakes without it being a sign of total personal failure. You also have the right to dignity and respect. The message for ourselves and everyone around us becomes, “It’s okay to be you.”

Pete Walker has a list on his website of specific rights all humans have: http://www.pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm.  If you take a moment to skim through the list, what stands out to you? Which rights are easiest for you to claim? Which ones do you wrestle with? Think about which human rights you want to keep in mind this holiday season as you relate to others and to yourself.

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Your child’s teacher thinks they have ADHD… now what?

Some things to consider before jumping to labels or medication:

–Breathe, relax. A teacher recommending getting a child assessed for ADHD isn’t the same thing as your child receiving a diagnosis. This doesn’t mean that your child is already labeled with this diagnosis. You are allowed to question them, take some time to determine what is best for you, AND get a second opinion outside the school.

–You might want to talk to someone you trust who either has ADHD or has a child with ADHD to get a more personal take of what it looks and feels like for them. It is true that ADHD exists on a spectrum and different people experience it differently, but it can help to get a ‘real life’ perspective and see how it resonates with you at all. 

–Talk to people in other settings and get their experience with your child. The indicators of ADHD have to be present in at least 2 settings for it to be diagnosable. If your child only shows those behaviors at school, for example, then you might be talking about a different issue. These people could be grandparents, your kid’s soccer coach or their teacher from last year. 

–Make a list of all of your questions and your fears, no matter how catastrophic or trivial they might seem. Then decide what you really want to know and bring them to a professional you trust to assess your child. Often counselors will do a discovery call, or introduction call to see if they are a good fit for you. (Read more about our approach here)

–Be honest about what you want or need in getting your child assessed.  If you are strongly opposed to medicine, be clear about that. Or if you have a full schedule, be clear about what therapies, coaching or tutoring you can commit to in order to address ADHD. 

At EDT we understand that even the suggestion that your child may be differently wired or need a diagnosis can be scary or overwhelming. We are happy to speak with you about your family’s needs and explain how our assessment process works. If we are the right fit for your child, we would be honored to walk through this experience with you and your child.

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