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Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

i blame myself for everything

To some degree, self-blame is normal.

Most people wrestle with self-blame from time to time, especially when under high stress. Sometimes the self-blame is warranted, sometimes it isn’t. But when you struggle with chronic self-blame, it’s as if everything (including the actions, feelings, and motivations of other people) automatically gets categorized as “my responsibility” and therefore, “my fault.” The constant self-blame can feel like you’re always carrying around a tremendous weight, or under a crushing load of pressure. When you believe it’s your job to control everything, you easily end up feeling overwhelmed and out of control on a regular basis.

Chronic self-blame can arise for a lot of different reasons. For some people, it was regularly modeled by others in their lives, so they naturally picked up the habit. For others, self-blame may be learned through social, cultural, or religious circles where it gets equated with politeness or humility. However, in some cases, chronic self-blame can also stem from trauma and/or childhood attachment wounds.

In his book “Trauma Model Therapy,” Dr. Colin Ross refers to something called “the locus of control shift,” which happens specifically with trauma survivors who struggle with severe self-blame. Locus of control is a fancy term that essentially means “the location of control.”  An internal locus of control assigns control to “me” or to what’s inside/the self. An external locus of control assigns control to what is outside of “me,” such as other people or the environment.

Young kids naturally start out with a strong internal locus of control. Until their brains become more fully developed, they assume that everything centers around them and they control it all. This isn’t bad or narcissistic, it’s just a natural part of the developmental process. As they grow older, their internal locus of control starts to balance out more with an external locus of control. They learn that they can control some things (internal locus), but not everything (external locus). They have an easier time understanding many different perspectives at once, and noticing multiple factors beyond them that can influence a situation.

The problem is, when young kids grow up in unsafe environments with unsafe relationships – such as households where abuse, neglect, addiction, or severe mental illness are present – they end up having to face a situation where the very people they need in order to survive are also the same people who frighten or harm them. This can create so much inner conflict for a young child, and so much constant loss of control, that the internal locus of control gets overused as a survival mechanism.

Rather than face intense and constant feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, they learn to adapt by thinking, “What’s happening is my fault.” Claiming the blame automatically gives a sense of perceived control. For example, assuming, “I’m a bad kid, but if I try to be a good kid, I won’t get hurt anymore,” feels far less hopeless than, “I can’t trust these people and I’m in danger, but I’m trapped here because I’m only 6 years old.”

Kids who learn to adapt this way effectively ward off some of the intense emotions they aren’t equipped to handle yet on their own. The internal locus of control keeps them moving forward. However, later on in life, without much external locus of control to balance it out, they can go on to assume the blame for everything even when relationships and circumstances have changed. The internal locus of control gets overgeneralized. This can lead to a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, missing red flags, lacking boundaries, people-pleasing, feeling trapped, and feelings of shame and worthlessness.

The good news is, it’s never too late to begin balancing out an internal locus of control that’s become too strong. Part of trauma counseling involves shifting this perspective. In therapy, you can begin to better understand how your survival mechanisms benefitted you, and in what areas they may hold you back in the present. You can begin to safely explore where to let go of self-blame and embrace self-compassion instead. This is a process that can involve feeling anger and grief for the first time, but working through it often brings a tremendous sense of relief and freedom from shame. Self-blame at last gives way to a healthy and balanced sense of self-acceptance.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

i still haven’t found “the one”

How to Cope with Being Single When That Wasn’t Your Plan

So many people have dreamt about what it will be like to meet “The One” and settle down. You have an idea of this person, this relationship, in your head, and you can’t wait for it to happen. But what if it doesn’t?

Watching your friends and peers around you settle down is exciting, but can feel weird when you’ve always imagined that that would be you by now. It’s not like you haven’t tried to make your relationships work. After a certain point, you might start to think about giving up, moving on from the stress and chaos of dating and the pressure you put on yourself to find your person. 

At the same time, maybe there’s a part of you that isn’t ready to give up. After all, there’s no harm in trying a little bit longer and holding out hope. But it’s hard: the longer you hold out hope, the longer you can continue to feel let down. You want to know what will be best for you.

Being single when you don’t necessarily want to be is a complex situation. People who want a long-term partner but cannot seem to find them can often fluctuate between wanting to give up so they can move on, and wanting to hold out hope of finding what, or who, they’ve been looking for. We can look at this as an ambiguous loss: a type of loss in which there isn’t a clear way to find closure. Ambiguous losses can make it hard for people to grieve and move on, because they are often still looking for answers or clarity. In this case, you had an idea for what you thought your life might look like. You have an idea of a partner that has existed in your head, but they don’t yet exist in your life.

 

So how can you cope with this? What should you do?

1. Practice dialectical thinking. This means noticing that 2 opposite things can be true at once.

  • “I feel the burden of not having a partner right now, AND I can find ways to have a fulfilling life outside of a partnership”
  • “There are things I don’t like about being single, AND I enjoy certain parts about being single as well”

2. Find ways to fulfill other areas of your life.

  • Do you have a hobby or a way you enjoy spending your time?
  • Can you nurture other meaningful relationships in your life? Family, friends, or even volunteering might be good places to start finding fulfillment in other relationships

3. Give yourself permission to grieve

  • Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel disappointed and conflicted. Something that you truly thought would happen by now, hasn’t happened- that’s disappointing.
  • Let yourself be okay with the ambiguity. You don’t have to decide “once and for all” to give up on love. It’s okay not to have an answer right now.

4. Consider seeking additional support in a peer group or with a professional.

  • Whether you find support from a peer group or a therapist, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone!
  • Although therapists are not dating coaches or matchmakers, they are trained in helping people cope with complex situations and stress. It might be helpful to have a safe space to explore your feelings.

Navigating an ambiguous loss can be tricky. Know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are not “wrong”! Consider reaching out to East Dallas Therapy for more support.

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

 

Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

my loved one has trauma

While some people may choose to disclose what they’ve been through, there are many who don’t talk about the trauma they’ve experienced.

And this isn’t because they’re trying to keep secrets or trick anybody. A lot of times, just talking about it can bring up overwhelming symptoms like flashbacks or panic attacks, or maybe they fear being the “odd one out” if they bring up something intense that happened to them.

But even if someone doesn’t tell you the full story, when they’ve been through a lot of trauma and you’re a close friend, spouse, or family member, you will often see signs of it anyway. Sometimes they become extremely irritable about the smallest change in plans. They may withdraw suddenly for long periods of time or display unexpected explosions of emotion. Tasks that may seem simple to those around them don’t always come easily to them – even things like eating regular meals, taking a shower, or going to the store. They seem anxious and like they’re always “on,” or ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

Supporting a loved one who has been through trauma is hard, especially if you’re unfamiliar with how trauma works and what it tends to do to people and relationships. This doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. What makes it difficult is all the misunderstandings, confusion, sudden outbursts or shutdowns, all the ways you try to connect with the person that somehow don’t turn out the way you’d intended.

This isn’t their fault – and it’s not yours either. But when neither of you knows that trauma is the culprit, it can be easy to point fingers at each other. The person who has been through trauma may accuse you of not understanding or not loving them if you don’t avoid triggering them at all costs. You may end up feeling controlled and like there are too many unspoken rules in the relationship to keep track of. Miss one, and suddenly everything is falling apart. And when it does, your loved one may jump to conclusions and worry that you’re going to leave them forever.

Trauma strains friendships and relationships because it convinces both of you that you’re not enough and you’re not doing enough for the other person. Sometimes what may seem like a “red flag” in the relationship is actually trauma lurking under the surface, making it difficult for both of you to relate the way you want to.

What will help the relationship? For one, trauma treatment. The care of a trauma-informed professional can help the person who has been through trauma recognize how it’s impacted them, and how to work through the shame trauma tends to heap onto survivors. Treatment can be a slow process, sometimes very slow, taking several years depending on the length and severity of the trauma. What does help it go faster, though, is when the person has a good support system in place – and you’re a part of that!

Supporting someone who has been through trauma takes patience, perseverance to work through misunderstandings and shame spirals, and reassurance that even when it gets rough, you’re in it together for the long haul. It takes both of you learning how to work together, focusing on trauma as the main problem in the room, not each other.

The thing about trauma, though, is that it demands a deep dive. When you’re one of the main supports for someone with trauma, it challenges both of you to really get to know yourselves, your emotions, your limits, and your values. For the person recovering from trauma, it takes a lot of detangling old, painful messages and confronting uncomfortable feelings. For you, living in the reality of what happened to them may evoke very strong emotions like anger and grief. Supporting them can also mean learning how to set healthy boundaries, and how to show up for them at times when both of you feel scared and confused.

It’s okay if you don’t always have the answers or know what to do. Sometimes if you ask the other person, they may be able to help you learn. Other times, they may feel just as confused or too exhausted to explain. This is why the best thing both of you can do is get support.

When you both have a healthy support network in place, it eases some of the pressure trauma can put on both of you. The person who has been through trauma needs support to recover, but it is also just as important that you get the support you need. Trauma has a way of pushing past your limits, and if you aren’t careful, both you and your loved one can go through some serious burnout.

If you’ve got someone close to you who has been through trauma and you’re noticing that it’s impacting your relationship with them, consider speaking with a trained professional. A trauma-informed counselor can provide education, skills and tips for managing the impact, and they can also provide you with a safe space to check in with yourself and process what you’re going through as you face this with your loved one.

You’re not alone. There are ways to work through the impact of past trauma – it doesn’t have to signal the end of the relationship. In fact, you may find that as you work through it together, your connection will deepen, and you’ll both come out the other side having learned a whole lot more about yourselves and each other.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

trapped in an anxiety loop

Anxiety is a powerful word that describes a wide range of behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

When it’s working for us, anxiety is a great tool that helps us get things done and manage future outcomes. A little touch of anxiety can get us going on an important deadline, muster the courage to have a difficult conversation or manage a full schedule. Turn up the volume a little bit and anxiety will get us through an emergency injury for one of our children, engage in a conflict we didn’t expect, or resist injustices in our society, school, or workplace. But turn up the volume even more and anxiety quickly turns from helping us control outcomes to quickly controlling us.

Many of us get stuck in that high volume setting, due to distressing events that asked the managerial part of our brains to keep going, and keep going, and keep going… and suddenly the noise of anxiety became so loud we found ourselves unable to do anything else. It’s as if our brain and body are in overdrive and we can no longer access anything but this accelerated state. Often, even noticing this induces more distress – and then we’re applying more control and rigidity to reduce these painful feelings… which leads to even more anxiety! Signs of this can include being unable to sleep well, an inability to focus, racing heart, a sense of hyperactivity, or panic attacks.

When you feel trapped in an anxious loop, it is useful to ground yourself in your body and remind yourself that anxiety is a tool for managing the future…. Not the present. Ask yourself: what needs attention right now? Likely the answer to that is you. Take a moment to pay attention to yourself. What signs are showing you that you’re in overdrive? Can you compassionately witness your anxiety and look at it with loving eyes? What do you see? Listen to your mind and your body for a moment – what do you need in this very moment?

Even with these questions, it can be hard to calm down during this cognitive practice of self-compassion. So we turn toward the body: using grounding and breathing techniques we can invite a sense of physical calm:

1) Notice you’re anxious. Acknowledge the anxiety, just that it’s there. No need to fix it.

2) Notice the room around you, your environment, what colors, shapes, textures there are, and describe them to yourself. Notice your body and how it feels – what your hands feel like, what your feet feel like, what your back and shoulders and face feel like.

3) Notice your breath and use it as a tool to calm your nervous system. When you intentionally slow your breathing, taking a longer exhale than inhale, your brain sees that as a cue to send out safety signals to your body and engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of us that calms down). Try to breathe in for four and out for six. Do this several times slowly until it feels more natural and calming.

4) Get back into the present with some sort of activity that requires no analysis. Listening to music, dancing, going for a walk, taking a bath, spending time with a pet are all good examples.

Anxiety is a helpful emotion, and it tells us something external needs our attention. But too much anxiety robs of the opportunity to be present with ourselves as it insists on external action instead of internal presence. Gently thank your anxiety for being there for you, but get back in charge by allowing yourself to compassionately connect with the present moment.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

resolving never ending conflict

In marriage, conflicts can often feel like a tug-of-war, 

where both partners end up in a cycle of frustration and disconnection, trying to be heard but feeling misunderstood. Arguments sometimes become about “being right” rather than truly understanding each other, and that pursuit of validation can push partners further apart. What may start as a small disagreement over taking out the trash can turn into a feeling that the relationship itself is under threat. This pattern, as I’ve seen countless times, often leaves both partners feeling alone, even when they’re right next to each other.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us to look beyond the surface of these arguments and  dive into the emotional needs that lie beneath. Instead of getting caught up in “who’s right,”  EFT encourages couples to ask questions like, “What do I need to feel safe and connected?” or “What story am I telling myself about my partner right now?” Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, reminds us, “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” When couples recognize this vulnerability, they can acknowledge
that conflicts often stem from a place of fear or hurt, rather than malice. By sharing these feelings with each other—“I feel scared that I’m not important to you” or “I’m afraid you’re pulling away”—couples can begin to see each other as allies rather than adversaries.

Repairing connection doesn’t mean proving a point or rehashing past grievances; instead, it involves offering comfort and understanding, even when the details are hazy or memories differ.  Partners can learn to say, “I may not remember exactly what happened, but I’m sorry if I hurt you. I want us to feel close and safe.”  By focusing on mutual reassurance and showing empathy, couples can transform arguments into moments of healing. As partners learn to create this emotional safety, they develop a relationship where both feel deeply valued and understood. If you and your partner want to break free from old patterns and rediscover the love that first brought you together, I’d love to help guide you on that journey toward a stronger, more emotionally fulfilling connection.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

your holiday recovery plan

Finding yourself struggling after the holidays is a tough spot to be in.

There’s work or school to jump back into, but you might feel like no matter how hard you push, you can’t motivate yourself to move.

Maybe you’ve tried a lot of different tactics for eliminating stress during the holiday season. You cut back on events, budget for gifts, and prioritize time with the people you enjoy, but somehow you still feel overwhelmed. You may even plan a fun vacation, but as soon as you get back, you feel exhausted.
 
Managing stress over the holidays is important, but sometimes no matter what you do, it’s still going to take a toll – and that’s okay! Instead of pressuring yourself to come up with the perfect stress-free holiday season, it may help to take a gentler approach. Anticipate that it may be draining at times, and try building your own recovery plan to help you bounce back from it.
 
Here’s a template you can adjust to suit your needs:

1.      What will help me take time to recover?
·         Get home a day or two earlier than usual.
·         Say no to last-minute events.
·         Block off some free time in my schedule in advance.
·         Reframe rest as a necessary recharge instead of “lazy.”
·         Get family in on the recovery plan too.
 
2.      What can help my body slow down?
·         Take a walk
·         Spend some time in nature
·         Go to the park
·         Gardening
·         Gentle exercise
·         Go to bed early
·         Sleep in
·         Schedule a stay-at-home day
·         Plan some easy meals
·         Listen to soothing music or sounds, ex: rain, ocean waves, classical music, chillhop/lofi
·         Practice deep breathing
 
3.      What can help my mind catch up?
·         Reflect on what the holidays were like
·         Take inventory of what you need
·         Journal
·         Talk to a friend
·         Reflect on the past year
·         Express through creativity, ex: painting, drawing, music
·         Practice mindfulness, ex: yoga, meditation, grounding
·         Allow your mind to disengage for a bit, ex: watch a movie, read
 
4.      What can help me feel ready for routine again?
·         Plan a day for rest and a day to prepare
·         Jot down future goals
·         Make a to-do list
·         Talk to others for ideas, support, or accountability
·         Complete some easy tasks for a quick sense of accomplishment
·         Ease back in

Just like managing stress during the holiday season, your recovery plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Give yourself permission to experiment and tweak your plan when needed. Keep it flexible. Also keep in mind that recharging looks different for everybody – some people need a couple hours of alone time in a quiet space, others need time to vent or decompress with friends. Your plan doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else’s. Do what works best for you.
 
If you feel unmotivated to get back into the routine, that’s okay too! Whether you didn’t get to do everything you wanted over the holidays, transitions in general are hard for you, or you had such a great experience you don’t want it to end yet, give yourself some space to feel what you feel. A recovery plan is about giving yourself the time and resources you need to adjust. And that adjustment is allowed to look messy! You may find it much more sustainable in the long run than jumping from one busy season straight into the next.
 
If you find that the holidays brought up far more emotions than you expected, or you’re still having trouble managing your motivation, consider reaching out for support. A therapist can help you discover more tools for recovery.  

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

holiday guilt

With so many joyful songs and celebratory events, there can come the unspoken expectation that the holidays should be full of cheer.

But what if you just don’t feel happy?

Sometimes the holidays are complicated. Being far away from home, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing a past relationship or phase of life, and difficult family interactions are just a handful of the kinds of circumstances that can contribute to the holiday blues. Then guilt over not feeling happy enough adds to the pile of uncomfortable emotions.
 
It can be tempting to try to push all the unwanted emotions away, but sometimes that can backfire. Tears come out of nowhere, you snap at someone unintentionally, or you start feeling cranky and wonder if you’re turning into a grinch.
 
It can help to reduce the pressure on yourself: let your feelings come and go naturally. The holiday season doesn’t have to come with a rule that everyone must feel happy at all times. When you’re no longer spending so much energy on trying to push the feelings away, that gives your body more energy to process them and begin to transition into a different mindset. It’s a bit of a paradox, but letting yourself feel the difficult emotions for a little while can actually bring the happy, calm, and peaceful emotions back online too.
 
On the flip side, maybe you’re going through a lot and feel guilty for enjoying yourself at all over the holidays. Sometimes feelings of happiness are jarring when they come in the middle of a season of grief or chronic stress – but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Moments of happiness can give you a brief break and the fuel you need to weather the next wave.
 
It’s common to feel mixed emotions, or to go back and forth between feeling cheerful and upbeat, to feeling down and depleted, especially over a season that is filled with so many plans, social engagements, and changes in routine. All emotions cycle through. That’s normal. And all are natural, even over the holidays.
 
No matter where you find yourself emotionally this holiday season, practice allowing yourself to accept what you’re experiencing without putting the pressure on yourself to feel something you don’t yet. Give yourself time, take breaks when you feel overwhelmed, and reach out for support when you need to. Sometimes reducing the pressure is all that’s needed for a shift to take place.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Deconstruction, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

resilience during times of adversity

Many families encounter various trials and hardships, some more than others.

During difficult times , each family member’s experience is unique and becomes and integral part of their life narrative.

  • Relocating/New school
  • Traumatic event
  • Changing of parental roles
  • Divorce
  • Terminal illness
  • Financial stress
  • Death of a loved one
  • Mental illness in parent/sibling

Resilience has been described as the ability to successfully adapt and overcome extremely adverse life experiences (Happer, Brown, & Sharma-Patel, 2017). Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes and does not have to be extreme to make an imprint. The individual, their families, and their social environment all play an important role in the development and nurturing of resilience. In addition, each person’s individual genetic makeup dictates how one reacts and navigates through adversity.

Recognizing opportunities to foster resilience within your child or adolescent plays an important role in parenting. Allowing your child the freedom to make mistakes enables them to rely on their inner strength and tenacity- which promotes independence. Children that possess a healthy sense
of control within normal limits and protective measures in place can flourish in this type of environment.

As parents, we can help shape our child’s negative experiences into lifetime lessons. Children are resilient by nature yet at the same time are deeply impacted by positive and negative factors which exist within their upbringing.

Consider these characteristics found in resilience:

  • Possessing a sense of purpose
  • The ability to set and maintain goals
  • Perseverance
  • Self-motivation

What life experiences has your family endured? Where did you notice resilience within yourself?  What characteristics of resilience do you see within your child/adolescent?

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

should i go no contact with family?

You don’t get to choose your family, so it’s natural that you may not get along with every single member.

Each family comes with its own set of struggles, and for some families that means members with toxic ways of relating to others. Interacting with them can be tiring at best. At worst, these relationships can threaten to completely overwhelm you.

Social media can sometimes promote a “no-negativity” approach that urges cutting off the relationships that don’t work for you. As simple as this solution may sound, it isn’t always that easy.
Every situation is unique, and you may find that totally cutting off contact with family isn’t the answer for you – but neither is continuing in the same hurtful patterns of relating with them.
 
Deciding what to do when you’re dealing with a complex family situation is rarely simple, so it’s totally okay if you need time to carefully weigh the available options. Here are just a few to consider:
 

Boundaries

 
Setting boundaries with family means clearly and calmly communicating how they can best connect with you. Boundaries are essentially requests. If the other person refuses those requests, have a plan for what to do to protect yourself.
 
For example, that may mean letting the other person know you’re open to communicating only if there’s no name-calling or shouting involved. If they continue to do so, let them know you have to leave and can continue the conversation when tempers have cooled.
 
If family members agree to meet you halfway or show respect for your boundaries, let them know how much you appreciate them. Foster the kind of connection you wish to have with them.
 

Distance

 
Boundaries can take time for family members to warm up to. It’s natural if you experience some pushback at first. But there may also be some relationships where no matter how many boundaries you set, the other person will keep barreling through them. Or worse, they may see the boundaries as a challenge and intensify their efforts to bait you into unproductive conflicts.
 
In those situations, getting some distance may be the more realistic option. It’s okay to call or text less. Keep interactions short. Instead of visiting for a whole week, stay for only two or three days. Distance can help provide time to recover and prepare for your next interaction.
 
Getting more distance in the relationship can also help when cutting off one family member would mean losing many other relationships that you’re not wanting to give up.
 

Temporary Separation

 
Perhaps the options above didn’t work and you’re reaching a point where you have to try something different. Or perhaps your family has changed for the better over time, but every time you’re around them, you experience very intense emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks or depression. If breaking off contact with family would bring more pain and trouble than it’s worth, consider taking a short break from them instead.
 
Get some time to heal first. You may need to work through past hurts or grieve the relationship you wish you had with them before you can reach a point of acceptance. Or you may simply need more time to recover between interactions in order to still function from day to day. Cutting off communication can help, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.
 

No-Contact

 
Sometimes no matter what you do to try to change the pattern, it’s simply too dangerous to keep the relationship going. Some family situations are too unpredictable, hostile, and damaging to warrant putting yourself in harm’s way. You may also be worried about family interactions compromising the safety of your loved ones, such as your partner or kids. Going no-contact may be what’s necessary to protect yourself and to keep from enabling the toxic behaviors of others.
 
When you cut off all contact with family, you may experience instant relief. It’s also natural to go through grief and strong feelings of guilt too – that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
 
There are many different reasons why people may decide that going no-contact is the safest course of action. There are also all sorts of reasons – financial, religious, cultural, etc. – why people may choose to remain in contact with family members who consistently demonstrate harmful behaviors.
 
No matter what you choose to do, finding support either from other family members or friends is crucial. All the different options come with their own benefits and downsides, and it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of unease or self-doubt regardless of the decision you make.  
 
If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a tough family relationship and would like some additional support, consider scheduling an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com. Sometimes having an outside perspective can bring some much-needed clarity. We’d love to help!

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

 I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.
 

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

i’m bored

Summertime is finally here! 

School is out, no more tests, and the next thing parents hear from kid is “ I’m bored”!   Although summer is a time for relaxing, kids thrive on routine. It is important as a family to find a balance that works, especially during the summer months.

When kids become grumpy, frustrated, annoying a sibling, going against rules, or simply just wandering around, it’s time to suggest an option. Having a “bag of tricks” so to speak is key in helping your child find constructive things to do when bored. Providing choices enables your child to have ownership in how their time is spent.
Formulating a simple daily routine at home will foster responsibility and help curb the inevitable feeling of boredom. Below are some helpful tips:
 
~ map out a predictable routine together as a family and post it in kitchen
~ brainstorm simple tasks or activities kids can do alone and write down on
small pieces of colored paper. Place in a jar and when someone asks”
what can I do?” the Summer fun time jar will be waiting!
~ make a chore chart and earn small amounts of money for each chore.
This builds independence and kids can practice their math skills !

Examples of tasks/activities:

  • Board game
  • Puzzle
  • Find toys to donate
  • Call a relative
  • Help a neighbor
  • Go to the public library
  • Build something with random items
  • Organize something
  • Write someone a letter

Staying connected as a family and avoiding Summer time stress is important! Reach out to us at East Dallas Therapy for additional support. We look forward to working with our ongoing clients once school is back and can’t wait to meet someone new that may want to give therapy a try!

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

setting boundaries with yourself after trauma

Part of healing from relational trauma involves learning how to set healthy boundaries with others.

Those boundaries help keep us safe, and they allow us to communicate to others what we need in order to stay connected with them. Another important step in recovery, though, is learning how to set boundaries with yourself.

Relational trauma plays a big role in damaging our understanding of how to properly care for ourselves. You may find yourself swinging between two opposite extremes: either you’re too hard on yourself and never rest, or you’re so focused on giving yourself a break that you never complete important tasks. The first leads to burnout, and the second leads to a perpetual sense of falling behind.

Boundaries teach us how to re-prioritize. To set healthy boundaries with yourself, begin by asking the question: “What would be most helpful and least harmful to me in this moment?” Most situations are both helpful and harmful in some ways, but this question gives us the opportunity to discern what choices would be most sustainable for us in the long run.  

Setting boundaries with ourselves sometimes involves doing something we don’t like. For example, when you’re in that mode where you feel like you have to be productive at all costs in order to be worthy, telling yourself, “It’s time to take a 15-minute break,” can feel threatening. Or on the opposite end, when you’ve come out of a controlling relationship and have been enjoying the freedom to do whatever you want, telling yourself, “It’s time to get some work done,” can be triggering.

It may help in those moments to remind yourself that boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. The goal of setting boundaries with yourself is to care for, nurture, and challenge yourself in ways that most benefit you. That means building yourself up, not tearing down or shaming yourself.

It’s totally okay if you go to set a boundary with yourself and it brings up feelings of fear, discomfort, anger, and distress. You’re allowed to dislike slowing down, completing tasks, and even the boundaries themselves. Validate your emotions. Give them some space. Then do whatever it is you need to do to best take care of yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Trauma tries to take away confidence and replace it with self-doubt, but boundaries remind you that you aren’t abandoned or unseen. They take some practice and definitely some getting used to, but over time, healthy boundaries rebuild self-trust. There’s a greater sense of freedom that comes from knowing even trauma can’t take that away.

For a extra boost of self confidence check out this short 5-minute meditation for boosting self-confidence video.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

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