Part of healing from relational trauma involves learning how to set healthy boundaries with others.
Those boundaries help keep us safe, and they allow us to communicate to others what we need in order to stay connected with them. Another important step in recovery, though, is learning how to set boundaries with yourself.
Relational trauma plays a big role in damaging our understanding of how to properly care for ourselves. You may find yourself swinging between two opposite extremes: either you’re too hard on yourself and never rest, or you’re so focused on giving yourself a break that you never complete important tasks. The first leads to burnout, and the second leads to a perpetual sense of falling behind.
Boundaries teach us how to re-prioritize. To set healthy boundaries with yourself, begin by asking the question: “What would be most helpful and least harmful to me in this moment?” Most situations are both helpful and harmful in some ways, but this question gives us the opportunity to discern what choices would be most sustainable for us in the long run.
Setting boundaries with ourselves sometimes involves doing something we don’t like. For example, when you’re in that mode where you feel like you have to be productive at all costs in order to be worthy, telling yourself, “It’s time to take a 15-minute break,” can feel threatening. Or on the opposite end, when you’ve come out of a controlling relationship and have been enjoying the freedom to do whatever you want, telling yourself, “It’s time to get some work done,” can be triggering.
It may help in those moments to remind yourself that boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. The goal of setting boundaries with yourself is to care for, nurture, and challenge yourself in ways that most benefit you. That means building yourself up, not tearing down or shaming yourself.
It’s totally okay if you go to set a boundary with yourself and it brings up feelings of fear, discomfort, anger, and distress. You’re allowed to dislike slowing down, completing tasks, and even the boundaries themselves. Validate your emotions. Give them some space. Then do whatever it is you need to do to best take care of yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Trauma tries to take away confidence and replace it with self-doubt, but boundaries remind you that you aren’t abandoned or unseen. They take some practice and definitely some getting used to, but over time, healthy boundaries rebuild self-trust. There’s a greater sense of freedom that comes from knowing even trauma can’t take that away.
