Sometimes it isn’t just the details that go missing – it’s whole gaps of time. For example, you may have trouble remembering anything at all from before the age of 10. Or all of grade 4 is somehow missing in your memory even though you can still recall grades 3 and 5. A gap doesn’t always mean trauma occurred, but for some people, memories of trauma get blocked out. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your brain isn’t broken. In fact, it was doing exactly its job when the trauma occurred.

When all is well, our brains encode the memories most important to our survival in ways that allow us to recount the memory in words and in chronological order. We can make sense and meaning out of our memories. But when trauma occurs, memory doesn’t get encoded the same way.

This is because the parts of our brain (such as the amygdala), that deal with threat are prioritized and kicked into high gear. Our body and brains go into an automatic response mode. Just like when you touch a hot surface and instantly pull your hand back – you don’t have to think about how to respond, because your body’s automatic functions take over.

What that means, though, is that during a traumatic experience, the parts of the brain (such as the frontal lobe), that deal with planning and analyzing go offline. And the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that helps with memory and time sequencing, also gets impaired in the moment. Your body becomes fully focused on survival instead.

Missing some details and memories after trauma is natural. However, when you can’t remember precisely what happened, and you find yourself experiencing intense emotions and reactions to triggers, it can be tempting to dismiss what you’re going through as irrational just because you don’t have an orderly, chronological story of what happened to connect everything to.

Sometimes people get caught up trying to do a memory hunt. But memory, even when encoded normally, is often imperfect. Especially when it comes to trauma, diving into the details and memories of what happened doesn’t always help, and it doesn’t always validate as much as we think it will. More often, it tends to confuse and overwhelm us instead.

If you’re missing memories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be lost forever. Sometimes old memories you haven’t thought of in forever come back when something in the environment triggers the memory – like revisiting a place from childhood, or seeing an old friend again after many years apart. Memories can come back naturally without you having to search for them.

Sometimes memories don’t come back, and that’s okay too. It can be frustrating not being able to recall a piece of your history, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from beginning to recover. The good news is, you don’t have to remember everything perfectly in order to heal from trauma.

Trauma therapy isn’t about digging up every detail from the past. It’s not about putting you on trial to assess whether or not what you went through matters. Trauma therapy is about processing the emotions related to the trauma, making them more manageable, and learning how to feel safe in the present moment. It involves beginning to find and create meaning again, regardless of what you do or don’t remember.