Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

navigating conflict over the holidays

The holiday season is the perfect opportunity to meet new people and catch up with friends and family. 

It can provide a lot of fun and meaningful connection. Unfortunately, sometimes it can also lead to conflict, especially if you’ve got a lot of people with opposing views all crammed in the same room for a couple hours. Or maybe you’ve got that one family member who loves to debate (a little too much) during the annual reunion. Differing values and perspectives collide, voices get louder; throw in a few holiday drinks and tempers start flaring. Things can get heated.

You may feel tempted at times to avoid holiday festivities altogether after these encounters, but before you give up on them entirely, consider testing out some new ways of handling the conflict. While it’s never necessary to force yourself to remain in dangerous situations, there may be some arguments worth having and some relationships worth sticking around for.

To navigate conflict in a healthy way, it helps to consider how to balance giving yourself a voice in the situation, while also maintaining the relationship itself. Here are some tips on how to engage and also how to disengage if the situation starts getting out of hand:

Ways to Engage:

Stay calm:

When you stay calm, collected, and respectful, it makes it easier for the other person to hear what you’re saying without getting defensive. And even if they still get heated, it speaks volumes to others when you don’t allow yourself to get baited into a toxic exchange.

Be patient:

If you’re around people who hold harmful views, keep in mind that changing someone’s perspective takes time. This doesn’t have to be the conversation that completely changes someone’s mind once and for all. There may need to be many, many conversations before that happens. That’s okay. Sharing your perspective patiently over time can still influence others, or at least help them to eventually better understand those who think differently from them.

Avoid character attacks:

Especially if the other person is already doing this, it can be tempting to throw in a few witty, cutting remarks. While this can sometimes make you feel like you’re winning or lead others to perceive you as the winner of the debate, it doesn’t usually persuade the person you’re arguing with. If anything, it just leads them to dig in their heels and hold to their stance more firmly than before.

Say what you’re not saying:

Sometimes, even when you do your best to remain respectful and kind, the other person will still take what you’re saying the wrong way and assume you’re attacking their character even if that’s not your intention. This is natural, especially if they’re used to being judged for their opinions. To get around this, try stating exactly what you don’t mean before sharing your view. For example: “I’m not saying you’re a terrible person because you believe that, you seem like a decent person to me. I just don’t hold the same view because it doesn’t fit some of the values I prioritize most.”

Find common ground:

Disagreements can get exaggerated, and when that happens, people are more likely to jump to extremes, get defensive, and completely disconnect. To keep this from happening, try to find some common ground with the other person. Just one area of agreement can act like an anchor, reminding both of you that you can still connect even if you disagree in other areas.

Check that you’re understanding their viewpoint:

Be careful not to mindread or assume what the other person means by what they’re saying. Instead, ask for clarification whenever you hear something that doesn’t sit well with you. Try to summarize their points after listening to them speak, and ask if your summary was correct. This prevents further misunderstandings.

Choose when to speak and when to remain silent:

Pay attention to the level of tension in your body and in the room. Are you starting to feel too hot, overwhelmed, close to tears, or are your muscles tensing? Is the other person listening to and engaging with what you say, or are they continually talking past you, interrupting, or twisting things? Sometimes even if the other person isn’t in a place to understand your position, it still helps to state your view. Not only does this give you a voice, but it can also help inform others listening who may be too nervous to speak up, or who are still on the fence about a topic. Other times, staying silent may be wiser. If you feel like you’re about to explode and say something you’ll regret later, take a break. Or if you sense the other person is about to lose their temper and escalate, it’s okay to take a step back. You can always return to the topic at a later time if both of you wish to.

Ways to Disengage:

Excuse yourself for a moment:

It’s totally okay to take some space to recollect yourself when a debate is getting too personal or intense. Let the other person know you need to step out of the room for a while, or that you’d like a break or change of topic. If you’re open to discussing it at a later point, let them know that you want to continue the conversation, just not right now. Take some time to step outside, go somewhere private (the restroom is good for this!), or go for a drive to clear your mind. This gives both you and the other person time to cool down. Arguments are always easier to navigate when both people are calm.

Set boundaries and follow through:

If the other person is starting to use name calling, yelling, or other unhealthy behaviors, set a boundary. Plan ahead of time what you’re okay with, and what you’re not okay with. As soon as they’re starting to cross the line, give them some options to choose from. Let them know how you can best connect with them, and where you’ll have to disconnect. For example: “I value this conversation a lot and I want to talk this through with you. If we can do that calmly, I’d love to keep talking with you, but if you keep calling me that name, I’m going to need to take a break for a while.” Something like this gives the other person the option to either meet you halfway, or to reject your boundary. If they reject your boundary, follow through by getting some distance and protecting yourself.

Plan an exit strategy:

It’s easier to do this ahead of time rather than scrambling in the moment when you’re under a lot of stress and pressure. Consider what signs to look for that show it’s time to leave. If you can, take your own vehicle. Let supportive friends and family know if you might need some help getting space. Pick out some phrases you can use to de-escalate or disengage from the conversation.

Minimize Contact:

If you notice a pattern of unhealthy conflicts or someone continues to reject your boundaries, consider minimizing time spent with them. Instead of staying all day, only plan to be there for a couple hours. If you’re able to, find a separate place to stay so that you can naturally get some time away rather than being together 24/7. Minimizing contact can give you just enough time with them to catch up, connect peacefully, and then leave before anything gets too intense. That way you can still have a relationship but keep the peace at the same time.

Conflict drains a lot of energy, and there are other aspects of the holidays that can be stressful too. Take time to focus on what you enjoy, and plan some ways to recharge after events where conflict is most likely to occur. If you find that you’re very distressed after a conflict, let yourself feel for a while, and then give yourself permission to do something distracting so you don’t ruminate. Spend some time with the people you feel most comfortable with to help yourself relax again.

While opposing perspectives can be alarming sometimes, practicing healthy conflict can make a big difference. Try to notice when people surprise you. When do they shift a little bit in their perspective? When do they take in what you have to say, or respond more graciously than in the past? It may take a lot of time and many difficult conversations, but sometimes people will begin to understand your perspective better. As uncomfortable as it is, healthy conflict can help bring lasting change.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

i blame myself for everything

To some degree, self-blame is normal.

Most people wrestle with self-blame from time to time, especially when under high stress. Sometimes the self-blame is warranted, sometimes it isn’t. But when you struggle with chronic self-blame, it’s as if everything (including the actions, feelings, and motivations of other people) automatically gets categorized as “my responsibility” and therefore, “my fault.” The constant self-blame can feel like you’re always carrying around a tremendous weight, or under a crushing load of pressure. When you believe it’s your job to control everything, you easily end up feeling overwhelmed and out of control on a regular basis.

Chronic self-blame can arise for a lot of different reasons. For some people, it was regularly modeled by others in their lives, so they naturally picked up the habit. For others, self-blame may be learned through social, cultural, or religious circles where it gets equated with politeness or humility. However, in some cases, chronic self-blame can also stem from trauma and/or childhood attachment wounds.

In his book “Trauma Model Therapy,” Dr. Colin Ross refers to something called “the locus of control shift,” which happens specifically with trauma survivors who struggle with severe self-blame. Locus of control is a fancy term that essentially means “the location of control.”  An internal locus of control assigns control to “me” or to what’s inside/the self. An external locus of control assigns control to what is outside of “me,” such as other people or the environment.

Young kids naturally start out with a strong internal locus of control. Until their brains become more fully developed, they assume that everything centers around them and they control it all. This isn’t bad or narcissistic, it’s just a natural part of the developmental process. As they grow older, their internal locus of control starts to balance out more with an external locus of control. They learn that they can control some things (internal locus), but not everything (external locus). They have an easier time understanding many different perspectives at once, and noticing multiple factors beyond them that can influence a situation.

The problem is, when young kids grow up in unsafe environments with unsafe relationships – such as households where abuse, neglect, addiction, or severe mental illness are present – they end up having to face a situation where the very people they need in order to survive are also the same people who frighten or harm them. This can create so much inner conflict for a young child, and so much constant loss of control, that the internal locus of control gets overused as a survival mechanism.

Rather than face intense and constant feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, they learn to adapt by thinking, “What’s happening is my fault.” Claiming the blame automatically gives a sense of perceived control. For example, assuming, “I’m a bad kid, but if I try to be a good kid, I won’t get hurt anymore,” feels far less hopeless than, “I can’t trust these people and I’m in danger, but I’m trapped here because I’m only 6 years old.”

Kids who learn to adapt this way effectively ward off some of the intense emotions they aren’t equipped to handle yet on their own. The internal locus of control keeps them moving forward. However, later on in life, without much external locus of control to balance it out, they can go on to assume the blame for everything even when relationships and circumstances have changed. The internal locus of control gets overgeneralized. This can lead to a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, missing red flags, lacking boundaries, people-pleasing, feeling trapped, and feelings of shame and worthlessness.

The good news is, it’s never too late to begin balancing out an internal locus of control that’s become too strong. Part of trauma counseling involves shifting this perspective. In therapy, you can begin to better understand how your survival mechanisms benefitted you, and in what areas they may hold you back in the present. You can begin to safely explore where to let go of self-blame and embrace self-compassion instead. This is a process that can involve feeling anger and grief for the first time, but working through it often brings a tremendous sense of relief and freedom from shame. Self-blame at last gives way to a healthy and balanced sense of self-acceptance.

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

your holiday recovery plan

Finding yourself struggling after the holidays is a tough spot to be in.

There’s work or school to jump back into, but you might feel like no matter how hard you push, you can’t motivate yourself to move.

Maybe you’ve tried a lot of different tactics for eliminating stress during the holiday season. You cut back on events, budget for gifts, and prioritize time with the people you enjoy, but somehow you still feel overwhelmed. You may even plan a fun vacation, but as soon as you get back, you feel exhausted.
 
Managing stress over the holidays is important, but sometimes no matter what you do, it’s still going to take a toll – and that’s okay! Instead of pressuring yourself to come up with the perfect stress-free holiday season, it may help to take a gentler approach. Anticipate that it may be draining at times, and try building your own recovery plan to help you bounce back from it.
 
Here’s a template you can adjust to suit your needs:
1.      What will help me take time to recover?
·         Get home a day or two earlier than usual.
·         Say no to last-minute events.
·         Block off some free time in my schedule in advance.
·         Reframe rest as a necessary recharge instead of “lazy.”
·         Get family in on the recovery plan too.
 
2.      What can help my body slow down?
·         Take a walk
·         Spend some time in nature
·         Go to the park
·         Gardening
·         Gentle exercise
·         Go to bed early
·         Sleep in
·         Schedule a stay-at-home day
·         Plan some easy meals
·         Listen to soothing music or sounds, ex: rain, ocean waves, classical music, chillhop/lofi
·         Practice deep breathing
 
3.      What can help my mind catch up?
·         Reflect on what the holidays were like
·         Take inventory of what you need
·         Journal
·         Talk to a friend
·         Reflect on the past year
·         Express through creativity, ex: painting, drawing, music
·         Practice mindfulness, ex: yoga, meditation, grounding
·         Allow your mind to disengage for a bit, ex: watch a movie, read
 
4.      What can help me feel ready for routine again?
·         Plan a day for rest and a day to prepare
·         Jot down future goals
·         Make a to-do list
·         Talk to others for ideas, support, or accountability
·         Complete some easy tasks for a quick sense of accomplishment
·         Ease back in
Just like managing stress during the holiday season, your recovery plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Give yourself permission to experiment and tweak your plan when needed. Keep it flexible. Also keep in mind that recharging looks different for everybody – some people need a couple hours of alone time in a quiet space, others need time to vent or decompress with friends. Your plan doesn’t have to look the same as everyone else’s. Do what works best for you.
 
If you feel unmotivated to get back into the routine, that’s okay too! Whether you didn’t get to do everything you wanted over the holidays, transitions in general are hard for you, or you had such a great experience you don’t want it to end yet, give yourself some space to feel what you feel. A recovery plan is about giving yourself the time and resources you need to adjust. And that adjustment is allowed to look messy! You may find it much more sustainable in the long run than jumping from one busy season straight into the next.
 
If you find that the holidays brought up far more emotions than you expected, or you’re still having trouble managing your motivation, consider reaching out for support. A therapist can help you discover more tools for recovery.  
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

holiday guilt

With so many joyful songs and celebratory events, there can come the unspoken expectation that the holidays should be full of cheer.

But what if you just don’t feel happy?

Sometimes the holidays are complicated. Being far away from home, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing a past relationship or phase of life, and difficult family interactions are just a handful of the kinds of circumstances that can contribute to the holiday blues. Then guilt over not feeling happy enough adds to the pile of uncomfortable emotions.
 
It can be tempting to try to push all the unwanted emotions away, but sometimes that can backfire. Tears come out of nowhere, you snap at someone unintentionally, or you start feeling cranky and wonder if you’re turning into a grinch.
 
It can help to reduce the pressure on yourself: let your feelings come and go naturally. The holiday season doesn’t have to come with a rule that everyone must feel happy at all times. When you’re no longer spending so much energy on trying to push the feelings away, that gives your body more energy to process them and begin to transition into a different mindset. It’s a bit of a paradox, but letting yourself feel the difficult emotions for a little while can actually bring the happy, calm, and peaceful emotions back online too.
 
On the flip side, maybe you’re going through a lot and feel guilty for enjoying yourself at all over the holidays. Sometimes feelings of happiness are jarring when they come in the middle of a season of grief or chronic stress – but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Moments of happiness can give you a brief break and the fuel you need to weather the next wave.
 
It’s common to feel mixed emotions, or to go back and forth between feeling cheerful and upbeat, to feeling down and depleted, especially over a season that is filled with so many plans, social engagements, and changes in routine. All emotions cycle through. That’s normal. And all are natural, even over the holidays.
 
No matter where you find yourself emotionally this holiday season, practice allowing yourself to accept what you’re experiencing without putting the pressure on yourself to feel something you don’t yet. Give yourself time, take breaks when you feel overwhelmed, and reach out for support when you need to. Sometimes reducing the pressure is all that’s needed for a shift to take place.
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

should i go no contact with family?

You don’t get to choose your family, so it’s natural that you may not get along with every single member.

Each family comes with its own set of struggles, and for some families that means members with toxic ways of relating to others. Interacting with them can be tiring at best. At worst, these relationships can threaten to completely overwhelm you.

Social media can sometimes promote a “no-negativity” approach that urges cutting off the relationships that don’t work for you. As simple as this solution may sound, it isn’t always that easy.
Every situation is unique, and you may find that totally cutting off contact with family isn’t the answer for you – but neither is continuing in the same hurtful patterns of relating with them.
 
Deciding what to do when you’re dealing with a complex family situation is rarely simple, so it’s totally okay if you need time to carefully weigh the available options. Here are just a few to consider:
 

Boundaries

 
Setting boundaries with family means clearly and calmly communicating how they can best connect with you. Boundaries are essentially requests. If the other person refuses those requests, have a plan for what to do to protect yourself.
 
For example, that may mean letting the other person know you’re open to communicating only if there’s no name-calling or shouting involved. If they continue to do so, let them know you have to leave and can continue the conversation when tempers have cooled.
 
If family members agree to meet you halfway or show respect for your boundaries, let them know how much you appreciate them. Foster the kind of connection you wish to have with them.
 

Distance

 
Boundaries can take time for family members to warm up to. It’s natural if you experience some pushback at first. But there may also be some relationships where no matter how many boundaries you set, the other person will keep barreling through them. Or worse, they may see the boundaries as a challenge and intensify their efforts to bait you into unproductive conflicts.
 
In those situations, getting some distance may be the more realistic option. It’s okay to call or text less. Keep interactions short. Instead of visiting for a whole week, stay for only two or three days. Distance can help provide time to recover and prepare for your next interaction.
 
Getting more distance in the relationship can also help when cutting off one family member would mean losing many other relationships that you’re not wanting to give up.
 

Temporary Separation

 
Perhaps the options above didn’t work and you’re reaching a point where you have to try something different. Or perhaps your family has changed for the better over time, but every time you’re around them, you experience very intense emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks or depression. If breaking off contact with family would bring more pain and trouble than it’s worth, consider taking a short break from them instead.
 
Get some time to heal first. You may need to work through past hurts or grieve the relationship you wish you had with them before you can reach a point of acceptance. Or you may simply need more time to recover between interactions in order to still function from day to day. Cutting off communication can help, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.
 

No-Contact

 
Sometimes no matter what you do to try to change the pattern, it’s simply too dangerous to keep the relationship going. Some family situations are too unpredictable, hostile, and damaging to warrant putting yourself in harm’s way. You may also be worried about family interactions compromising the safety of your loved ones, such as your partner or kids. Going no-contact may be what’s necessary to protect yourself and to keep from enabling the toxic behaviors of others.
 
When you cut off all contact with family, you may experience instant relief. It’s also natural to go through grief and strong feelings of guilt too – that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
 
There are many different reasons why people may decide that going no-contact is the safest course of action. There are also all sorts of reasons – financial, religious, cultural, etc. – why people may choose to remain in contact with family members who consistently demonstrate harmful behaviors.
 
No matter what you choose to do, finding support either from other family members or friends is crucial. All the different options come with their own benefits and downsides, and it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of unease or self-doubt regardless of the decision you make.  
 
If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a tough family relationship and would like some additional support, consider scheduling an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com. Sometimes having an outside perspective can bring some much-needed clarity. We’d love to help!
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

why can’t i remember what happened?

Sometimes after you’ve been through trauma, you might find it difficult to recall what took place.

Maybe you remember fragments or flashes of it, but none of it feels connected or in order. It’s like someone picked up a bunch of puzzle pieces and scattered them all over the room – everything is out of sorts. Even when you do get an image, feeling, or sensation connected to what happened, it’s hard to put the story into words.

Sometimes it isn’t just the details that go missing – it’s whole gaps of time. For example, you may have trouble remembering anything at all from before the age of 10. Or all of grade 4 is somehow missing in your memory even though you can still recall grades 3 and 5. A gap doesn’t always mean trauma occurred, but for some people, memories of trauma get blocked out. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your brain isn’t broken. In fact, it was doing exactly its job when the trauma occurred.

When all is well, our brains encode the memories most important to our survival in ways that allow us to recount the memory in words and in chronological order. We can make sense and meaning out of our memories. But when trauma occurs, memory doesn’t get encoded the same way.

This is because the parts of our brain (such as the amygdala), that deal with threat are prioritized and kicked into high gear. Our body and brains go into an automatic response mode. Just like when you touch a hot surface and instantly pull your hand back – you don’t have to think about how to respond, because your body’s automatic functions take over.

What that means, though, is that during a traumatic experience, the parts of the brain (such as the frontal lobe), that deal with planning and analyzing go offline. And the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that helps with memory and time sequencing, also gets impaired in the moment. Your body becomes fully focused on survival instead.

Missing some details and memories after trauma is natural. However, when you can’t remember precisely what happened, and you find yourself experiencing intense emotions and reactions to triggers, it can be tempting to dismiss what you’re going through as irrational just because you don’t have an orderly, chronological story of what happened to connect everything to.

Sometimes people get caught up trying to do a memory hunt. But memory, even when encoded normally, is often imperfect. Especially when it comes to trauma, diving into the details and memories of what happened doesn’t always help, and it doesn’t always validate as much as we think it will. More often, it tends to confuse and overwhelm us instead.

If you’re missing memories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be lost forever. Sometimes old memories you haven’t thought of in forever come back when something in the environment triggers the memory – like revisiting a place from childhood, or seeing an old friend again after many years apart. Memories can come back naturally without you having to search for them.

Sometimes memories don’t come back, and that’s okay too. It can be frustrating not being able to recall a piece of your history, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from beginning to recover. The good news is, you don’t have to remember everything perfectly in order to heal from trauma.

Trauma therapy isn’t about digging up every detail from the past. It’s not about putting you on trial to assess whether or not what you went through matters. Trauma therapy is about processing the emotions related to the trauma, making them more manageable, and learning how to feel safe in the present moment. It involves beginning to find and create meaning again, regardless of what you do or don’t remember.

For more on how trauma impacts the body and brain, check out Bessel van der Kolk’s book, “The Body Keeps the Score.”
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

setting boundaries with yourself after trauma

Part of healing from relational trauma involves learning how to set healthy boundaries with others.

Those boundaries help keep us safe, and they allow us to communicate to others what we need in order to stay connected with them. Another important step in recovery, though, is learning how to set boundaries with yourself.

Relational trauma plays a big role in damaging our understanding of how to properly care for ourselves. You may find yourself swinging between two opposite extremes: either you’re too hard on yourself and never rest, or you’re so focused on giving yourself a break that you never complete important tasks. The first leads to burnout, and the second leads to a perpetual sense of falling behind.

Boundaries teach us how to re-prioritize. To set healthy boundaries with yourself, begin by asking the question: “What would be most helpful and least harmful to me in this moment?” Most situations are both helpful and harmful in some ways, but this question gives us the opportunity to discern what choices would be most sustainable for us in the long run.  

Setting boundaries with ourselves sometimes involves doing something we don’t like. For example, when you’re in that mode where you feel like you have to be productive at all costs in order to be worthy, telling yourself, “It’s time to take a 15-minute break,” can feel threatening. Or on the opposite end, when you’ve come out of a controlling relationship and have been enjoying the freedom to do whatever you want, telling yourself, “It’s time to get some work done,” can be triggering.

It may help in those moments to remind yourself that boundaries aren’t a form of punishment. The goal of setting boundaries with yourself is to care for, nurture, and challenge yourself in ways that most benefit you. That means building yourself up, not tearing down or shaming yourself.

It’s totally okay if you go to set a boundary with yourself and it brings up feelings of fear, discomfort, anger, and distress. You’re allowed to dislike slowing down, completing tasks, and even the boundaries themselves. Validate your emotions. Give them some space. Then do whatever it is you need to do to best take care of yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Trauma tries to take away confidence and replace it with self-doubt, but boundaries remind you that you aren’t abandoned or unseen. They take some practice and definitely some getting used to, but over time, healthy boundaries rebuild self-trust. There’s a greater sense of freedom that comes from knowing even trauma can’t take that away.

For a extra boost of self confidence check out this short 5-minute meditation for boosting self-confidence video.
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

shame spirals

Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.

Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.

Sound familiar? If you’ve experienced a shame spiral before, you know how paralyzing they can be. Feelings of shame are hard enough to manage on their own at times, but a shame spiral occurs when constant feelings of shame spin us out of control. The bottom of this spiral looks different for everybody, but it can result in a panic attack, over or undereating, withdrawing from others, a depressive episode, or even self-harming thoughts and behaviors.
 
When shame spirals hit, they keep us stuck. They limit us and prevent us from moving forward by convincing us that we’re out of options. They give us feelings of hopelessness and the belief that nothing will solve our problems because we are the problem.

The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:

 
·         What happens when you’ve reached the bottom? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors show you that your shame spiral has reached a critical point?
 
·         Right before you’ve hit the bottom, what signs in your body show you that you’re almost to that point? Which muscles may feel tense or numb? Do you feel shaky or out of breath? Is your mind racing or going blank?
 
·         Taking a step up the spiral from there, what thoughts, emotions, and sensations are you experiencing? Are you more or less talkative? Are you just beginning to feel anxious or depressed?
 
·         Then at the top of your spiral: how do you know when you’re just beginning to feel a sense of shame? Are you more irritable? Do you get a sinking sensation in your chest or start focusing on a specific thought such as, “I shouldn’t be this way.”
Once you map out your shame spirals, it takes practice catching them early and discovering which methods give you some relief. The earlier you catch it, the faster you can take a break, recharge, call a friend, get some sleep, or do something else to help soothe or distract yourself until you’re in a better frame of mind.
 
When you’re not in a shame spiral, it’s so much easier to return to the original issue and begin problem-solving. It’s easier to think and consider your options. You can figure out what in the situation you can control vs. what you can’t control and make a plan from there.
For an extra activity you can use to decrease shame, try this short, 5-minute meditation on extending loving kindness to self and others: 5-minute meditation
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Stacey

Silver Lining

It sounds good…” just look for the silver lining in that dark cloud”, “think happy thoughts”.

We as a culture are slowly surfacing from this well of toxic positivity, we are finding freedom within the dark places.
 
Freedom meaning: the freedom to feel, not free from our present issue or the Mount Everest hovering over us. Finding relationships which allow expression of our gut feelings and emotions, sitting with ourselves and with others in spaces that are mentally draining and uncomfortable, this is where we find our true selves.  This is where we notice emotional growth.
 
Toxic positivity eliminates what we need most during a difficult time: validation, acceptance, and empathy. Toxic positivity is the easy way out to brush past one’s current state, toxic positivity is selfish, and it is unnatural.

I often wonder how certain people sit in their own dark spaces with all the silver linings swirling around them.

Never worked for me, in fact someone pointing out positives usually creates a state of anger and distrust in that person. I want to surround myself with people who will withstand the storm with me, no matter how long that storm may last. 
 
Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Kate

Toxic Positivity teaches children that the way we deal with difficult emotions is not to give our feelings space and work through them to acceptance. 

Instead, it teaches them to shove our true feelings down and put a superficial spin on them in the moment. i.e., those girls are being mean to you because they are intimidated by your beauty and confidence. Instead of saying, you feel hurt and disappointed that you didn’t get invited to the party when most of the girls in your class did.

Making space for these feelings teaches children that their feelings are valid.

After they explore their feelings then they can come up with a plan that makes them feel better like inviting friends from their YMCA soccer team for a sleepover that night and coming up with a ‘script’ together with mom to tell the other girls how being left out made her feel, if it will likely be accepted by the other girls. 

In the differently abled community, there’s a lot of the “you’re so strong, you never complain” kind of sentiments when it would help to know that it is ok to be tired and frustrated by compensating for neurodivergence or physical disability.

Navigating a world that wasn’t built for the body and/or brain that you have isn’t always a fun adventure and it is important to be able to ask for the support you need and to be confident you’ll be met with understanding and not empty, pseudo positive, spin. 

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

toxic positivity and why we hate it…according to Morgan

3 positivity statements and why I hate them. 

The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.

This statement is not only unrealistic but promises an outcome that’s not true.  I’m wondering if the person wrote this has any family members at all. Or has been in public spaces?  Negative people are everywhere.  We can all probably name someone in our family who has been negative at times.  We can all think of a time WE have been negative at times. 

What is it like to just not respond to negative people? Does it give you more peace? I think it’s possible to find peace by picking your battles with people. But this is usually with people you aren’t in regular contact with or aren’t in a long-term relationship with-like your grandma or neighbor. 

Another issue with this statement is that it can be enabling someone to continue their pattern of negativity, which steals your peace overtime. It wears down your serene bubble until it bursts and you’re more tense, angry and hurt than ever before.  So maybe responding to someone’s negativity actually brings you more peace???

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy.

This one makes me want to 🤢.  Should I just leave it at that?  For anyone who has seen hardship of any kind, this can be tone deaf to our experience. 

We all struggle with how to be grateful for what we have.  We want to see the beauty in our everyday life, but it’s not at the exclusion of the difficulty, the struggle.  It’s an oversimplification of life and makes it seem like there is a space of happiness we confined if we just look.  I.E., if you’re not happy, you’re not trying hard enough. 

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

I have so many problems with this.  Do YOU always feel like sunshine? Does your best friend always feel like sunshine?  

First of all, this is (obviously) unrealistic, but secondly, it’s encouraging us to distance ourselves from those who challenge us.  If everyone did this, no one would grow or change and no one would to to therapy. 

Surrounding ourselves with people who are kind and caring is important, but friction in relationships helps to sharpen us. It is a sign of maturity to have the emotional resilience to withstand conflict and challenge in relationships.

Toxic positivity is based in an assumption that we can go through life without struggle, without friction, without uncertainty, and without pain.

Toxic positivity attempts to sidestep all of these so we can find real peace, happiness, and sunshine. This works as long as you don’t go through anything hard. But as soon as you face something that hurts like when a friend betrays you or someone says a negative comment, you realize you can’t find all those happy feelings. 

What’s worse, you begin to blame yourself for losing touch with that peace, that happiness and that sunshine. It also becomes a problem when you act contrary to these mantras. Like when YOU ARE the negative person in someone’s life, or when YOU ARE causing someone else to feel unhappy, and you ARE NOT the sunshine that someone needs.

We shame ourselves for being “negative and ungrateful” and feel inferior to others. Toxic positivity does so much damage to us. Even as I googled these images, I was feeling pretty good about myself. But the more I saw, I see that it doesn’t offer any real hope. A joy-filled, gritty, messy, but fulfilling life is really what I’m after.

At East Dallas Therapy we hope that you can find those people in your life who give you constructive feedback and support- not negativity.  We hope that you can show gratitude (generally) but don’t force yourself to feel happy all the time.


We hope that you show grace to others when they can’t be all you need.

Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

What You Resist, Persists

It’s a paradox but it’s true. The more we try to push something away the more is seems to follow us. We do this with negative thoughts or bad memories. We feel it coming on and we try to push past it. Depending on how you’re wired, you might struggle against those thoughts. Or you might give in and let them flood you. Either way, it is persisting in your mind, sometimes getting caught in your body.
 
I struggle with self-doubt. Sometimes I feel not good enough. I strive to be better and be more. I feel like I need to earn my rest, and I think I have to prove that I belong.
 
These kinds of thoughts pop up all the time. I have let anxiety take me under in times of my life. And I have wrestled with it and tried to rise above it in other times in my life. But after trying both of these, I can tell you, my fears and limiting beliefs still persisted.
 
I have discovered that what seems to take the power out of these thoughts is acceptance as I’ve read about acceptance and commitment therapy created by Dr Russ Harris. These thoughts are like a giant scary monster towering over me, when I choose acceptance rather than to wrestle, the air is released, and it deflates.
 

A few things about acceptance:

  • It doesn’t mean you are letting yourself live according to that belief, fear or though.
  • It doesn’t mean it will never change.
  • It won’t make you feel instantly happier.

But what acceptance DOES DO:

  • It regulates the nervous system so you can make choices rather than reacting out of emotions.
  • After acceptance you can commit to a different action, behavior or thought.
  • It helps you accept where you are now, then commit to changing.
  • You build self-compassion rather than shaming yourself.
Wanna know more about this??
Read The Happiness Trap
 
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