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Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

my family rules

As a kid (and even as an adult child) there is so much that we learn from our parents and our families.

They teach us qualities:  Be kind, be hardworking, be respectful

They teach us tasks:  How to do laundry, how to change a flat tire, how to cook scrambled eggs. 

They teach us rules:  We don’t hit our brothers, we brush our teeth before bed, we eat our vegetables at dinner if we want dessert. 

In order to be a “part” of the family (ie. “you’re a Smith- we don’t give up!”) you learn and follow the rules. Sometimes, though, they are not so clearly stated.

An explicit rule is described above: “we do not hit.”

An implicit rule is different. Nobody tells you that it’s a rule. But somehow, you learn it. Nobody talks about it, but it becomes a part of you.

Examples of implicit rules:

  • We don’t share about our problems
  • Nobody should ever upset little brother
  • We always act like a perfect family in front of Grandma
  • We don’t feel __ because that is weak

These are things that your family probably didn’t teach you directly– but you know to follow this rule anyways. 

Take for example, somebody who grew up in a family where nobody talked about their feelings. Maybe the family got in a fight, everybody went to their rooms to calm down, then pretended it didn’t happen.

As a kid, you learned: we don’t talk about bad feelings. We leave it alone and pretend it didn’t happen. As an adult, you may notice that you still follow this rule. Now, you shut down during conflict. Maybe you physically leave, and act like everything is normal once you return. You (still) don’t talk about bad feelings.

Is there a rule that you can think of that your family follows subconsciously? How does this show up in your life now, as an adult?

The thing is, implicit rules aren’t always bad. They help maintain balance in the family, and give the family a sense of unity, of being on the same team. “Our family” versus “others.”

The trouble comes when these rules no longer serve you, and start causing problems. Using the example above: while you were growing up, ignoring conflict helped you fit in

with your family. But now, it makes your partner question if you can work through issues together!

So, now that I know what implicit family rules are, what do I do about it?

  1. Notice them! These are implicit rules, so many of them are beyond awareness. The first step is to pay attention to what rules there may be in your family, and which rules are causing you trouble.
  2. Baby steps! After noticing which rules you’d like to see change, start taking steps to counteract them when they show up. This could be within your family itself, or in other areas of your life that they show up in. It’s natural for there to be pushback to changing a lifelong rule, so start slow and manage your expectations!
  3. Meeting with a therapist can be a good strategy to deeply explore your family dynamics. Sometimes it can be hard to notice these things by yourself, and a trained family therapist (like Kate at East Dallas Therapy 😉) can help you dig deep into understanding what family rules may still be showing up in your adult life.

Recognizing and changing our family dynamics can be a tricky task! Often, though, it can be an essential and rewarding part of self-growth. East Dallas Therapy is rooting for you on your journey!

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

 

Deconstruction, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

resilience during times of adversity

Many families encounter various trials and hardships, some more than others.

During difficult times , each family member’s experience is unique and becomes and integral part of their life narrative.

  • Relocating/New school
  • Traumatic event
  • Changing of parental roles
  • Divorce
  • Terminal illness
  • Financial stress
  • Death of a loved one
  • Mental illness in parent/sibling

Resilience has been described as the ability to successfully adapt and overcome extremely adverse life experiences (Happer, Brown, & Sharma-Patel, 2017). Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes and does not have to be extreme to make an imprint. The individual, their families, and their social environment all play an important role in the development and nurturing of resilience. In addition, each person’s individual genetic makeup dictates how one reacts and navigates through adversity.

Recognizing opportunities to foster resilience within your child or adolescent plays an important role in parenting. Allowing your child the freedom to make mistakes enables them to rely on their inner strength and tenacity- which promotes independence. Children that possess a healthy sense
of control within normal limits and protective measures in place can flourish in this type of environment.

As parents, we can help shape our child’s negative experiences into lifetime lessons. Children are resilient by nature yet at the same time are deeply impacted by positive and negative factors which exist within their upbringing.

Consider these characteristics found in resilience:

  • Possessing a sense of purpose
  • The ability to set and maintain goals
  • Perseverance
  • Self-motivation

What life experiences has your family endured? Where did you notice resilience within yourself?  What characteristics of resilience do you see within your child/adolescent?

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

i’m bored

Summertime is finally here! 

School is out, no more tests, and the next thing parents hear from kid is “ I’m bored”!   Although summer is a time for relaxing, kids thrive on routine. It is important as a family to find a balance that works, especially during the summer months.

When kids become grumpy, frustrated, annoying a sibling, going against rules, or simply just wandering around, it’s time to suggest an option. Having a “bag of tricks” so to speak is key in helping your child find constructive things to do when bored. Providing choices enables your child to have ownership in how their time is spent.
Formulating a simple daily routine at home will foster responsibility and help curb the inevitable feeling of boredom. Below are some helpful tips:
 
~ map out a predictable routine together as a family and post it in kitchen
~ brainstorm simple tasks or activities kids can do alone and write down on
small pieces of colored paper. Place in a jar and when someone asks”
what can I do?” the Summer fun time jar will be waiting!
~ make a chore chart and earn small amounts of money for each chore.
This builds independence and kids can practice their math skills !

Examples of tasks/activities:

  • Board game
  • Puzzle
  • Find toys to donate
  • Call a relative
  • Help a neighbor
  • Go to the public library
  • Build something with random items
  • Organize something
  • Write someone a letter

Staying connected as a family and avoiding Summer time stress is important! Reach out to us at East Dallas Therapy for additional support. We look forward to working with our ongoing clients once school is back and can’t wait to meet someone new that may want to give therapy a try!

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

i’m divorced and our child is graduating

The end of the school year seems to be the most stressful time for busy families.

End of school parties, awards ceremonies, talent shows, exams, field day, graduation parties, high school graduations and college move outs and graduations. The calendars are full and if you are a parent who is divorced, your thoughts may be more focused on the navigation of these milestones and celebrations rather than the joy. Sound familiar?

Attending functions at your child’s school or attending a graduation are milestones parents do not want to miss. So how do parents embrace these sometimes difficult, awkward, yet necessary encounters? As a divorced parent, I have learned and am still learning what my kids most need during these times. Divorce is painfully complex and each member of the family unit carries a personal narrative- even young children. Leading up to an event may be dreadful and even seem unmanageable.
 
Remind yourself of the actual purpose of the occasion:

Who is it for?

What are we celebrating?

 

The joy and excitement of having family events is a privilege. Keep the focus on that. Set aside past hurts and resentment for the time being and focus on your child. Leave behind your vulnerability and insecurity during these moments.
For children of divorce, it can mean alot to merely see their parents exchanging a greeting or sitting near one another during a special event~ doesn’t mean the parents have to carry on a lengthy conversation. These small positive interactions slowly can begin to patch a child’s wounds from the traumatic experience of divorce. So, as a healthy parent not only are you healing pain and resentment within your own heart, you are allowing space for your children to begin the difficult journey of healing.
 
You will make mistakes, so plan on it; forgive yourself, apologize if necessary and continue to move forward. Hopefully, each encounter over the years will become a little easier, a new normal.

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

healthy boundaries while staying connected with your teen

It can be hard to know how to setup healthy boundaries with your teen. You don’t want to invade their space, but you want to make sure they are safe. We get this question a lot in therapy. How do I setup healthy boundaries for my teen, respect their boundaries, but stay connected to them?

Respecting their privacy/space

Teens prefer to have time and space either alone or with friends. Parents can be on the lookout for opportunities to engage with their teenager.  Oftentimes, these are late at night or when you least expect it. Practice asking open ended questions and limit questions right after school. Be open and honest (within reason) regarding your teenage years, this will help build trust between you and your teen. Get to know your teen’s friends. Invite them over and cook a meal, order pizza, or make brownies. A creative parent can engage with teenagers while still maintaining the desired privacy of a teenager’s world.

Influence in decision making

Adolescents are in the process of maturing and becoming independent. Creating opportunities for teens to participate in decision making will help shape their critical thinking skills, build rapport between parent and teen, and demonstrate respect within the relationship.

Example: discussion of curfew in high school years. Make list of pros and cons regarding proposed times. Evaluate options and make a plan. Possibly allow for extended curfew on special occasions/improved grades/respectful attitude among family members. Ongoing communication is key!

Establishing healthy boundaries during the teen years takes practice and requires much patience. Expect there to be ups and downs, be willing to make changes as needed, and know that it’s okay to make mistakes. Parents that choose to hold their teens accountable within a loving environment foster responsibility and resilience.

Withdrawn vs typical teen behavior

Teenagers often display big feelings and reactions! What is considered normal? When do we need to seek help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents? It is normal for teenagers to sleep more, make poor choices in eating habits, display “moody” behavior, and at times turn your world upside down. Watching for changes in these normal adolescent behaviors can help parents identify when it might be time to seek help. The adolescent brain is working in overtime as transformation is taking place and studies show half of all genetic mental disorders begin to develop by age 14.

Here is what anxiety/depression can look like:

Overall disruption within family dynamics
Changes in friend groups/having no plans with friends
Withdrawn more than usual
Not turning in assignments/drop in overall grades
Changes in eating habits
Sleeping more than normal or not being able to fall or stay asleep
Angry outbursts over small matters

If your teenager is exhibiting any of these signs and your gut tells you something seems “off” it is time to find support. Normal adolescent behavior vs. possible signs of a mood disorder can be determined by a mental health therapist. Working alongside families with teenagers, meeting with teens on an individual basis, and providing additional education and resources is something I am passionate about. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker!
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

parents who stay connected to their teens do this… 

In my practice I do a lot of teen therapy and I have noticed in a few issues many parents face. It can be hard to know what role to play when your child is growing up and needs more independent. I have outlined a few tips I’ve learned working with these types of clients.

Respecting your teens privacy and space.

Your teens prefer to have time and space either alone or with friends.  As parents you can be on the lookout for opportunities to engage with your teenager. 

Oftentimes, these are late at night or when you least expect it. Practice asking open ended questions and limit questions right after school.  Be open and honest (within reason) regarding your teenage years, this will help build trust between you and your teen.  Get to know your teen’s friends. Invite them over and cook a meal, order pizza, or make brownies. A creative parent can engage with teenagers while still maintaining the desired privacy of a teenager’s world. 

Influence in decision making.

Adolescents are in the process of maturing and becoming independence.

Creating opportunities for your teens to participate in decision making will help shape their critical thinking skills, build rapport, and demonstrate respect within the relationship.  

Example:  Discussion of curfew in high school years.  Make a list of pros and cons regarding proposed times. Evaluate options and make a plan. Possibly allow for extended curfew on special occasions/improved grades/respectful attitude among family members.  Ongoing communication is key!  

Establishing healthy boundaries during the teen years takes practice and requires much patience.  Expect there to be ups and downs, be willing to make changes as needed, and know that it’s okay to make mistakes.  Parents that choose to hold their teens accountable within a loving environment foster responsibility and resilience. 

Withdrawn vs typical teen behavior.

Teenagers often display big feelings and reactions! 

What is considered normal?  When do you need to seek help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents?   It is normal for teenagers to sleep more, make poor choices in eating habits, display “moody” behavior, and at times turn your world upside down.  Watching for changes in these normal adolescent behaviors can help you identify when it might be time to seek help. The adolescent brain is working in overtime as transformation is taking place and studies show half of all genetic mental disorders begin to develop by age 14. 

Here is what anxiety/depression can look like:

  • Changes in eating habits.
  • Sleeping more than normal or not being able to fall or stay asleep.
  • Angry outbursts over small matters.
  • Overall disruption within family dynamics.
  • Changes in friend groups/having no plans with friends.
  • Withdrawn more than usual.
  • Not turning in assignments/drop in overall grades.

If your teenager is exhibiting any of these signs and your gut tells you something seems “off” it is time to find support.  Normal adolescent behavior vs. possible signs of a mood disorder can be determined by a mental health therapist.  

Working alongside families with teenagers is something I’m passionate about. Whether it is meeting with teens on an individual basis or providing additional education and resources for parents, I meet my clients where they are. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.

Reach out today to book with Stacey!

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker, LCSW

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

strengthening the connection with your teen

Are you a parenting teen?

Navigating the teenage years can be a challenging yet transformative experience for both you and your teenager. As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers dealing with anxiety and trauma, I understand the importance of attunement in nurturing a healthy parent-teenager relationship. In this blog post, I’ll provide you with two concrete examples of how you can attune to your teenagers’ needs.

Example 1: Active Listening

Imagine your teenager comes home from school, visibly upset. They may have had a tough day dealing with academic pressures, social dynamics, or other challenges. Here’s how you can use active listening to attune to their emotions:

Create a Safe Space: Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you can talk without distractions. Let your teenager know you’re there to listen and support them.

Listen Actively: Pay full attention to what they’re saying. Maintain eye contact, nod, and use verbal cues like “I see” or “Tell me more” to show you’re engaged.

Avoid Judgment: Even if you don’t fully understand or agree with their perspective, refrain from passing judgment. This is a moment for them to express their feelings without fear of criticism.

Reflect Back: After they’ve shared, paraphrase what you’ve heard to ensure you understood correctly. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you had a tough time with your classmates today.”

By actively listening, you provide a safe and empathetic space for your teenager to express their emotions, fostering a stronger connection.

Example 2: Validation and Empathy

Teenagers often grapple with a range of emotions and self-discovery. Here’s how you can use validation and empathy to support them:

Acknowledge Their Feelings: When your teenager expresses their emotions, validate their feelings by saying something like, “I can see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now.”

Empathize with Their Experience: Share your understanding by saying, “I remember how tough it was when I was your age and dealing with similar situations.”

Avoid Minimizing or Dismissing: Refrain from saying things like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it.” Such responses can invalidate their emotions.

Offer Comfort: Sometimes, a simple, reassuring hug can convey your support and understanding when words may fall short.

By validating your teenager’s emotions and showing empathy, you let them know that their feelings are valid, which can significantly boost their self-esteem.

In conclusion, attuning to your teenagers is an essential aspect of nurturing a healthy parent-teenager relationship. By actively listening and validating their emotions, you create an environment where they feel heard and understood. Remember that it’s a continuous process, and building trust takes time. Be patient with yourself and your teenager as you work together to strengthen your connection.

Your role as a parent plays a crucial part in helping your teenager navigate the challenges of adolescence. Your attunement can provide them with the emotional support they need to cope with anxiety and trauma effectively, ultimately contributing to their sense of self-worth and well-being.

Keep these examples in mind as you continue your journey as a parent, and don’t hesitate to reach out for professional guidance if needed. Your commitment to attunement will make a significant difference in your teenager’s life.

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

anxiety and your teen

Anxiety, being a normal emotion, we all experience from time, has become a commonplace term within all families in our society today. The unfortunate reality is teenagers today are experiencing increased amounts of anxiety due to a variety of circumstances. Wading through the teenage years is challenging, and having a teen who struggles with anxiety adds yet another layer to the responsibility of being a wonderful parent.

So, how can I best support my teenager who is experiencing anxiety?

~Minimize extra-curricular activities.

Downtime is necessary and being bored is ok. Between play dates, carpool, soccer practice, grocery store, picking up a last-minute birthday gift, and dance class how do families find time to be together? Other than in the car.   If you find yourself out of breath, in a time crunch, losing your patience, volunteering for three committees at your child’s school, you name it…you are doing too much and so is your child. An over-scheduled child/teenager is an anxious one. Plain and simple. Attempt to let go of the parenting peer pressure of having your child in multiple activities/sports/groups. Placing limits will reduce anxiety for your entire family.

~Model self-care and healthy coping skills

Children and especially teenagers are watching you, listening to you and learning from you.  We all have bad days, say things we don’t mean, act immaturely, selfishly, etc. Acknowledging stress and taking time for yourself as a parent should not be an unusual occurrence within your home. If teenagers witness a parent experiencing something uncomfortable and then finding calm within that space- they learn resilience and gain understanding of how to navigate the ups and downs in life.

~ Create space for honest conversations.

First and foremost, be patient.  Teenagers tend to talk about things later at night and certainly not when they walk in the door from school! (Trust me, I am guilty of that one!). Another tip from personal experience: Have your teen’s friends over to hang out and eat snacks on a regular basis if possible.  I learned so many things while serving snacks and then cleaning my kitchen.  Sometimes I chimed in and was curious about their stories, other times I was just in the background slowly putting away clean dishes.  This is especially helpful when your teenager is not a talker; hearing about the daily drama in the life of a teenager is priceless.  It later opens doors from a parental perspective of “being in the know” or asking some follow up questions “how did that turn out? Or whatever happened with Kaeli and her boyfriend?”  Be aware: you may or may not get an answer.  No matter the outcome, you have shown your teen that you are available and possibly they may see you are not the dumbest parent on the planet!

~ Promote family time opportunities that reduce stress.

Weekly board game or movie night, work a puzzle, go for a walk together, volunteer in your community, make homemade pizzas or ice cream sundaes. Each of these examples increases “face time” which we so desperately need with each other. Teenagers may bawk at first; however, they will come around.  Spending 1-2 quality hours per week with family is not asking too much. Be intentional as a family, be selfish with your time together- you are making lasting and meaningful memories!

Lastly, if your teenager’s anxiety begins to affect your overall family dynamics, you notice their sleeping or eating habits change, grades in school decline etc. reach out for additional support.  Working alongside families with teenagers, meeting with teens on an individual basis, and providing additional education and resources is something I am passionate about. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

managing holiday expectations

The holiday season is here. The Holidays leave more opportunities for disappointment for unmet expectations than almost any other time of the year. 

This can be true for kids:  “That wasn’t the toy I asked Santa for”, “This toy looked so cool on you tube but it’s not fun in real life”, “My sister didn’t like the gift I worked hard to make”, “The adults lied about Santa”, etc.
This can be true for parents:  I worked so long to make Christmas special and instead we all have a stomach virus, I was so excited for my parents to visit, and they’ve done nothing but criticize us since they got here, I want to give my kids picture perfect holidays but we’re going to have to max out our credit cards to do it and the list goes on…
This can be true for couples:  People pressuring them to have a baby or even cracking jokes about why they don’t have kids or work less and enjoy their ‘empty nest’ since their kids went to college and the transition has been hard.
This can be true for single people:  Who are still relegated to the kid’s table or are pressured to be set up with Aunt Margie’s neighbor and whose offer to host a holiday isn’t taken seriously.
This can be true for college students and emerging adults: whose presence and views aren’t taken seriously yet again by those whose acceptance is personally important. Or they are suddenly categorized as ‘an adult’ for cooking or gift giving and they may not have the finances to be able to contribute like others do.
This can be true for those grieving a loss. They feel the reality that even in the most ‘Hallmark’ moments of the season your person who is missing is amplified and you feel like breaking down in the midst of the merriment.
In order to manage expectations:

1.  Fill your calendar intentionally. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and overscheduled this time of year. Make it a point as early as possible to put every holiday event or party on your calendar and to add in the appropriate time for tasks related to these events like cleaning, shopping, cooking/baking, gift-wrapping, commuting to and from these events, etc. so you have a more realistic picture of what you are committing to do. This will lead to a more calm and less stressed and resentful atmosphere overall because you have the resources to commit to the things you have agreed to do. 
2. Talk to the people in your life about what matters most to you and what matters most to them. Sometimes we do things because we’ve always done them when really the kids are bored by driving around looking at Christmas lights or because we think things are really important to our partner (like their company Holiday party, when actually, it doesn’t matter that much to them). If you or your family/partner are wanting to have a paired down holiday season this year or just to be more focused, intentionally making a prioritized list of all the events and then eliminating a select number can be a helpful process. 
3.  Have a script or answer for difficult questions or moments.
If you know you’re going to be facing the “When are y’all going to have a baby question” maybe you want a quippy boundary setter like, “Not in the next 9 months, I can tell you that!” or maybe you need to set a firmer line, “When and if I/we choose to have a baby is personal, please respect our privacy.”
4. Have built in quiet moments or self-care moments. 
Even the most laid-back person can become overwhelmed by the busy schedule, crowded parties, shops and traffic, the rich foods and constant barrage of holiday music. Make time to be in quiet spaces and to take care of yourself and your family in whatever way that looks like for you. 
5.  Focus on what you can do and make those things really fun. Some of the things we love are the big (expensive) events: great seats at the Nutcracker, a lavish Christmas dinner, ICE! at the Gaylord but some of the smaller events that pass us by are just as important if not more for our core memories. Making safganiyot (donuts for Hanukkah) with your kids using your Bubbe’s recipe, singing Silent Night at the candlelight service on Christmas eve, having a festive cocktail while you and your bestie wrap gifts for your families. 

The bottom line is the holidays can be just as memorable and perhaps even more so, when you intentionally choose how to spend your time, finances and emotional energy instead of over-scheduling and over-spending.  This provides more room for gratitude and peace and hopefully less room for burnout and disappointment.

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

disruptions

I recently moved and I experienced what so many other people experience when they move, I was holding on to a lot of stuff. 
 
Some of it totally made sense because it’s stuff I used everyday or it was family photos that I inherited when my mom died.  Some of it was a bathmat that I bought years ago, never really liked but just kept or there was the bottle of Tylenol that I kid you not, expired in 2014. 
 
The disruptive occasion of moving alerted me to the need to take stock of stuff.  I had to take physical boxes and decide what I wanted to keep, what I wanted to donate and what I wanted to keep but change to make it work in my new home or to make it fit the person I have become instead of the person I was when I first bought it.
 
There are moments in our lives that are disruptive and that draw our attention to the philosophical framework, spiritual beliefs and emotional histories that drive our present, whether we are cognizant of them or not. A disruption can be many things but here are some examples:
 
-Getting married
-Getting divorced
-Adopting or giving birth to a child
-Changing jobs
-Becoming a stay at home parent
-Having a teen or older child question your families beliefs or values
-The death or aging parent or loved one
-Buying a new home and either upsizing or downsizing
-Reaching an important milestone in your career
-Having a child reach a new milestone like last kid to kindergarten or first kid to college
 
We can get lost in the business of re-orienting ourselves in one of these times that knocks us off kilter and just strap everything we have accumulated to our hearts and minds and take it into the new season with us in the midst of our grief, excitement, anxiety, anticipation and many other emotions.
 
We can look at the framework we were given as children or the faith journey we have had so far or at parenting philosophies that were helpful when our kids were babies over a decade ago and think, what of this is my core self, what of this was helpful for a season but really doesn’t fit now and what of this was never really mine, but I carried it out of family obligation or social pressure?
 
These are big questions and sorting through these kinds of things can be a difficult process and therapy can help it all feel less overwhelming and you can rebuild a more intentional, purposeful life for yourself (and your family, if that fits).

Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

setting limits with teenagers

The unique and ever so challenging population of teenagers has desired independence for generations.

The freedom from outside control or support (Merriam-Webster, 2023) is an intimidating thought for any parent raising teens today. I like to think of independence as a process; one that is carefully nurtured from birth. From the time a child is born, believe it or not, our sole responsibility as a parent is to provide a safe and loving environment which instills emotional and physical growth within our tiny human.
 
We actually begin by letting go, piece by piece, step by step, in hopes of our child one day being a caring and responsible human being, who has the desire to give back to this world. Quite a job description!
 
So, how do we get from point A to Z you may be contemplating?  Parenting is beautiful, it’s complicated, and messy; not what you expect or plan for.  There will be ups and downs, mistakes, and lessons learned along the way.  All the while, we are providing more and more opportunities for our teen to become self- sufficient.
 
Teenagers want to be trusted, they beg and plead for this. “Trust me!”  How many times have I heard this as a parent?  Too many to count!  I recall conversations with my teenagers where I would explain there are certain things I can trust you with now, and there will be more things I can trust you with later.  I am by no means saying this was music to their ears, but finding areas where we as parents can say “yes” helps the “no’s” seem less restrictive.

So, let’s take technology as an example- that’s a big one, right?  I propose including your teenager while creating limits for your household.  Don’t worry, it’s not too late to start now I promise. We are fielding the world of technology as it comes, and even as adults it is a challenge!
 
You may be thinking, “Why would I include my teenager when I am the one setting the rules?”. Good question!  Allowing teenagers to have ownership within limit setting promotes responsibility and autonomy.  Put the responsibility on them by saying, “We are going to be making some new house rules for technology and I would really value your input”. 
 
So now, you have them thinking and wondering, “What in the world is going on with my parents?  They want to ask my opinion and my opinion might matter.”  Of course, expect the response, “I don’t need limits,” “I know how to set my screen time,” etc.”.  And yes, it is important to set your own limits and we want to keep the conversation going; however, as parents we have to walk the fine line of making the final decision and sticking to it whether they like it or not.
 
Once my third child was a teenager and in middle school, technology had drastically changed, and I realized the only way to protect him “after hours”, so to speak, was to remove all technology and have the plug in at the kitchen counter.  Initially, this did not go over so well and there was some arguing and some tears.  I gave a fair warning- meaning, the week before school starts or starting a week from now, the new limits will be in place.  I discussed how as his parent; it was my job to keep him safe and ensure a restful night’s sleep.
 
In the beginning, it was stressful to have to revisit the “Why,” and “my friends’ parents don’t do this”.  Hold your ground and be confident in your parenting ability.  Weekend nights might look different but on school nights- phone and computer in kitchen by 10:30. These limits seemed to work for us, and at times exceptions were made, like for late night sports games or a project that was due.  By the time my son was a junior in high school, I stopped removing the technology and would monitor his bedtime routine.

Is this recipe for every teenager or family?  No. Consider other factors such as your child’s homework load, their grades, do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Find what works for you and your teen!
 
Removing technology from tweens/teens on school nights fosters their own ability to later set healthy limits for themselves. My son, is now almost 20 and I asked him the other day this very question, “Do you feel that me taking your phone and computer away at night when you were younger has helped you later in setting limits?” I anticipated him responding with, “No it did nothing” or “Why do you want to know?” Surprisingly, he responded “Yes, absolutely”.
 
He went on to explain how the early technology limits evolved his thought process around technology, more specifically his phone. He went on to say, “It is difficult for younger people, even my age, to get off the phone in social settings”.  Shocking right?  By my third child, I suppose I had done at least one thing right!
 
So, independence – yes, they want it and will take it whenever it is granted. Parents, I encourage you to tread these waters with a loving confidence while allowing more chances for your child to prove their blooming independence!

Anxiety, Kids Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

self-compassion for parents

Parents in this generation are working hard to acknowledge their kids’ emotions and be understanding when something that might seem silly to us is big in their world.

So, when your daughter is excited to invite her friend to come over and play after school but feels disappointed when her friend can’t come today, you would not say, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, don’t be a baby and you absolutely cry in public. The only places you can cry are in the bathroom and alone in the car.” Any parent who said those things to their kid would realize that they owe their child an apology.                                                               

However, for many of us this is how we talk to ourselves when we face a disappointment or frustration. We are not allowed to have big feelings. We have to listen to that drill sergeant in our heads and bottle up those feelings until they spew and sometimes, they leave a huge mess in their wake. In order to parent from a place of love and belonging you must start from a place of love and belonging for yourself, imperfectly being patient with yourself as you learn and grow as a human and as a parent.

If you were supposed to have a date night and your spouse had an emergency at work and had to stay it’s ok to feel disappointed and even more so it’s ok for your kids to know that you were looking really forward to your date night tonight and now, it’s not going to happen. This gives you space to be a human with feelings and it normalizes feelings for your kids.  Even moms and dads sometimes feel disappointed or have to change things when they don’t want a change.

It’s also a great opportunity to let your child contribute and support you. They might offer you a hug, a special song or to take a walk, like you do with them when they feel like you do now. They get to practice empathy and see what it is like to process real emotions in a healthy way.

Be kind to yourself like you’re kind to your babies.