In marriage, conflicts can often feel like a tug-of-war,
where both partners end up in a cycle of frustration and disconnection, trying to be heard but feeling misunderstood. Arguments sometimes become about “being right” rather than truly understanding each other, and that pursuit of validation can push partners further apart. What may start as a small disagreement over taking out the trash can turn into a feeling that the relationship itself is under threat. This pattern, as I’ve seen countless times, often leaves both partners feeling alone, even when they’re right next to each other.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us to look beyond the surface of these arguments and dive into the emotional needs that lie beneath. Instead of getting caught up in “who’s right,” EFT encourages couples to ask questions like, “What do I need to feel safe and connected?” or “What story am I telling myself about my partner right now?” Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, reminds us, “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” When couples recognize this vulnerability, they can acknowledge
that conflicts often stem from a place of fear or hurt, rather than malice. By sharing these feelings with each other—“I feel scared that I’m not important to you” or “I’m afraid you’re pulling away”—couples can begin to see each other as allies rather than adversaries.
Repairing connection doesn’t mean proving a point or rehashing past grievances; instead, it involves offering comfort and understanding, even when the details are hazy or memories differ. Partners can learn to say, “I may not remember exactly what happened, but I’m sorry if I hurt you. I want us to feel close and safe.” By focusing on mutual reassurance and showing empathy, couples can transform arguments into moments of healing. As partners learn to create this emotional safety, they develop a relationship where both feel deeply valued and understood. If you and your partner want to break free from old patterns and rediscover the love that first brought you together, I’d love to help guide you on that journey toward a stronger, more emotionally fulfilling connection.
