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Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Uncategorized

couples therapy

I was talking to a friend, who was wondering aloud about what her part was in her
marriage troubles.

“Why is my marriage so hard? There’s gotta be something wrong that
I’m doing and I want to find out what it is so I can fix it.”

I wouldn’t be a therapist if I didn’t immediately have the impulse to validate that sentiment. Love the humility, friend. Love the willingness to own your part, to change yourself, to do the hard self-study required to make a relationship its best. And also – I wish it was that easy. Can’t we just see what’s wrong with our take on things and fix it?

There are simple fixes sometimes: stop cheating on your spouse, stop putting him down, stop triangulating with your family, stop shutting your partner out of your experience. But how often can we stop behaviors just because we’re told to, or just because we know we ought to? A better road to actually fixing a problem isn’t just stopping it, it’s noticing and then questioning it. Question your need to get admiration elsewhere, question your need to condescend, question your need to get someone else on your side, question your need for protecting your peace so hard. When you question something, you allow yourself to acknowledge you don’t know the answer and then you open up space to find something new. To see realities or processes or possibilities that
weren’t available under previous behaviors. That opening of space provides so much more space for marriages to grow than just a simple fix of what’s wrong. “Fixing” what’s wrong actually often involves making space with your questions for what’s right to bloom, in its own time.

Healing for marriages isn’t made up of obvious aha moments and doing 180s on behaviors. It’s listening, wondering, questioning, thinking about yourself and your processes, looking for what sounds kind not just for one but both of you, listening for why you settle for scraps when you could have feasts, listening for why protection and isolation and control feel more in reach than trust, connection, or freedom. 

Couples therapy provides the space for that process of noticing, questioning, listening, learning a million times over. It’s those little movements, rather than one big movement, that you do within your relationship over, and over, and over again. And after a while of noticing, questioning, and finding something new, little by little, you look up. It turns out you’re finally living the relationship you’ve always wanted: Courageous, connected, and full of answers you never even knew you had.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Uncategorized

exploring attachment styles

If you notice yourself repeating unhelpful patterns in your relationships, even with different partners, it can sometimes be helpful to explore your attachment style.

 

So what exactly does that mean?

It can first be helpful to understand a little bit about attachment theory. In the 1950’s, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby theorized that a child’s attachment or bond with their caregivers forms a “template” for how they view connection in future relationships, even later on in life as an adult. 

Connection and attachment is necessary for survival. As infants and children, we look to our parents to soothe us, comfort us, and keep us safe. The way that our parents or caregivers respond to our needs and act toward us at an early age sets the stage for how we view and show up in close relationships later on. This can be categorized into attachment styles:

-> If your parents consistently met your needs, recognized when you were distressed and cared for you in the way you needed, it is likely that you formed a secure attachment to them. You learned that people will show up for you, and that you can trust them.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like being able to balance independence and personal space with intimacy and closeness with your partner. 

-> If your parents or caregivers inconsistently met your needs, you may have developed an anxious attachment style. If your parents sometimes soothed you when you cried, but other times let you self-soothe (intentionally or not), you may have learned that your parents are unpredictable in meeting your needs.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like fearing abandonment, or needing frequent reassurance from your partner.

-> If as a child your parents were emotionally distant, or dismissed your needs, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style. You may have learned that you cannot (or don’t want to) count on others, and you must be highly-self sufficient and independent.

– In an adult relationship, this may look like prioritizing independence or avoiding emotional closeness. It may also look like withdrawing or leaving during conflict or when things feel too close.

-> And finally, if as a child your caregivers were both a source of comfort and simultaneously a source of fear (such as in the case of trauma or abuse), you may have developed a disorganized attachment style. You learned to both desire and also fear emotional closeness

– In an adult relationship, this can look like traits of both an avoidant and an anxious attachment style. Your reaction to emotional closeness might be different one situation to the next, or your relationships patterns look “back and forth” or inconsistent.

So now that you know about attachment styles, what’s next?

First, it’s important to know that there isn’t a “bad” attachment style. You formed these views on relationships based on your experience at a young age. So, the way you show up in relationships makes sense!

Next, know that these are not rigid. You can have different attachments to different caregivers! Similarly, just because you identify with one attachment style, doesn’t mean you can’t show any secure traits at all. These attachment styles are general descriptions, not absolute definitions, so not all of the traits may apply to you.

Finally, be aware that this is not a life sentence. If you decide you would like to do the work to change your attachment patterns, know that it is absolutely possible. You are not doomed to continue repeating patterns that you want to change!

Attending therapy can be a great way to start the process of identifying how you show up in relationships. If you’re interested in this topic, reach out to Kate at East Dallas Therapy today!

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

resolving never ending conflict

In marriage, conflicts can often feel like a tug-of-war, 

where both partners end up in a cycle of frustration and disconnection, trying to be heard but feeling misunderstood. Arguments sometimes become about “being right” rather than truly understanding each other, and that pursuit of validation can push partners further apart. What may start as a small disagreement over taking out the trash can turn into a feeling that the relationship itself is under threat. This pattern, as I’ve seen countless times, often leaves both partners feeling alone, even when they’re right next to each other.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us to look beyond the surface of these arguments and  dive into the emotional needs that lie beneath. Instead of getting caught up in “who’s right,”  EFT encourages couples to ask questions like, “What do I need to feel safe and connected?” or “What story am I telling myself about my partner right now?” Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, reminds us, “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” When couples recognize this vulnerability, they can acknowledge
that conflicts often stem from a place of fear or hurt, rather than malice. By sharing these feelings with each other—“I feel scared that I’m not important to you” or “I’m afraid you’re pulling away”—couples can begin to see each other as allies rather than adversaries.

Repairing connection doesn’t mean proving a point or rehashing past grievances; instead, it involves offering comfort and understanding, even when the details are hazy or memories differ.  Partners can learn to say, “I may not remember exactly what happened, but I’m sorry if I hurt you. I want us to feel close and safe.”  By focusing on mutual reassurance and showing empathy, couples can transform arguments into moments of healing. As partners learn to create this emotional safety, they develop a relationship where both feel deeply valued and understood. If you and your partner want to break free from old patterns and rediscover the love that first brought you together, I’d love to help guide you on that journey toward a stronger, more emotionally fulfilling connection.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!

Anxiety, Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?

A previous post explored the dysfunctional relationship roles described by Dr. Stephen Karpman’s “Drama Triangle” – the perpetrator, victim, and rescuer. People can get stuck in these roles especially when they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Thankfully, there’s a way out of the dysfunction. The “Empowerment Triangle” explains how to jump off the Drama Triangle and into healthier ways of connecting with others:

1. The Challenger:

  • Is no longer a perpetrator
  • Becomes assertive rather than aggressive
  • Stands up for their own needs and the needs of others
  • Takes responsibility for their own actions and consequences

2. The Creator:

  • No longer overgeneralizes victimization
  • Recognizes when they do have control
  • Begins making their own choices
  • Pursues dreams and goals to create the life they want to live

3. The Coach:

  • No longer rescues by enabling
  • Recognizes their own needs and practices self-care
  • Supports others by empowering them and teaching them skills
  • Encourages others by reminding them of their own strengths

Unlike the Drama Triangle roles, everyone on the Empowerment Triangle has learned how to take responsibility for their own emotions and problems. This leads to a healthy way of relating that involves mutual respect, support, and deeper connection.

Jumping from the Drama Triangle to the Empowerment Triangle can be tricky at first while you’re still learning how to differentiate the two. The more you practice, the easier it gets. However, just because you successfully jump off the Drama Triangle doesn’t mean everyone else on the triangle is automatically going to follow suit.

Sometimes they’ll notice the changes you make, and they’ll want to change too. But you may also run into people who have no intention of leaving their dysfunctional role. When that happens, they may even intensify their efforts to get you back onto the Drama Triangle, because otherwise it becomes unbalanced.  

Which of the Empowerment Triangle roles do you identify with the most? And who in your life have you noticed consistently practicing one of the healthy roles? You can use the Drama Triangle and Empowerment Triangle to figure out who fits best into your support network.

For more information on the Drama Triangle as well as healthy roles, read this article by Lynne Namka: https://lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/drama-triangle/

Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Parenting, Relationships, Trauma

Are You in a Drama Triangle?

After growing up in a highly dysfunctional household, you may find yourself repeatedly engaging in the same relationship patterns later in life without knowing how you got there.

Dr. Stephen Karpman devised a simple way to understand how these kinds of relationships typically work. He calls it the “Drama Triangle.”

The Drama Triangle consists of 3 roles that each relate dysfunctionally to each other:

1. The Perpetrator:

  • Believes they have all the power and control
  • Bullies and blames to get what they want
  • is aggressive/passive-aggressive
  • Scapegoats the Victim and ropes the Rescuer into covering for them

2. The Victim:

  • Believes they have no control
  • Gives up on making their own choices
  • Feels worthless and helpless
  • Feels powerless against the Perpetrator and dependent on the Rescuer

3. The Rescuer:

  • Focuses only on others’ needs
  • Ignores their own needs
  • Tries to control how others feel
  • enables the Victim and makes excuses for the Perpetrator

Different family members will usually gravitate toward one or two of the roles, but over time the roles can start to flip around too. For example, the rescuer in the family may get so burnt out trying to help the family victim, that they start to feel victimized themselves, and begin to view the victim as a perpetrator.

Or the victim may begin to see the rescuer as a perpetrator if the rescuer gets too drained, leaving the victim feeling abandoned. Sometimes the perpetrator may also play the victim role to try to get someone else to rescue them from the consequences of their own actions.

What do all three roles have in common? Everyone on the triangle neglects to take responsibility for their own emotions. The perpetrator blames others, the victim waits to be rescued, and the rescuer focuses on saving others from their emotions instead of acknowledging their own.

Unless someone else is around to consistently model healthy relationship roles, kids born into highly dysfunctional families can grow up to assume all relationships follow this same unhealthy pattern. Then when they encounter similar relationships as an adult, they easily fall back into old familiar roles. It feels normal. When you don’t know what healthy roles look like, it’s also possible to accidentally assume someone is being a perpetrator, victim, or rescuer when they’re actually relating in a healthy way.

In a future post, I’ll talk about what healthy relationship patterns look like in comparison to the Drama Triangle. Stay tuned!

You can check out this quiz if you’re curious to see which role you fall into most: https://cdn.website-editor.net/848c74c539684751972b4649bf55aae7/files/uploaded/Drama%2520triangle%2520quiz.pdf

Anxiety, Couples Counseling, Depression, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

Restoring Trust

If the integrity of your relationship has been violated due to a harmful choice or behavior by either party, there are steps that you can take to restore trust and intimacy within the relationship. 

There is no one size fits all approach for handling a trust violation in a relationship, however, there are ways to begin the process of repairing the relationship. 

Here are 4 actionable steps that you can take to begin the process of healing:

Step 1:
Take 100% accountability. 

Accountability is twofold. Accountability includes (1) acknowledgement of your wrongdoings and (2) not offering excuses to suggest that you couldn’t help doing what you did. 

Developing empathy in a relationship is crucial. The most effective way to do so is to imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes. Ask yourself, how did my actions affect my partner’s life? Did my behavior cause damage to their sense of self-worth? 

Taking accountability for your mistakes and acknowledging the impact helps you to avoid invalidating your partner’s emotions. 

Step 2:
Offering an apology and asking your partner what can be done to rectify the situation and repair the damage. 

Create an amends plan or contract to demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. An amends plan is a guide for navigating a breach of trust or betrayal; it  generally includes an outline for what changes will be made on a personal and relational level. It will include actions and activities that indirectly restore your partner’s faith and trust in you.  

For example, “Allow access to social media passwords, computer, phone, etc.” “Increase quality time with my partner and enjoy a date night every Friday.” 

Your amends plan will need to be tailored to your relationship’s specific needs. Including your partner in the creation of the plan helps to show your devotion to your partner’s needs. 

Step 3:
Making a promise to not betray your partner in the future and to follow-through with the actions you have promised. 

Relationship check-ins at various intervals can help keep you on track and provide you with more of an understanding of what relationship needs are not being met and what promises have not been kept. 

Step 4:
Communicating with your partner if you feel you are unable to follow through with promises made. 

Increasing communication and vulnerability with your partner promotes emotional connection and intimacy. In order to repair and reconnect, you have to give your partner something to connect to. Secrecy, blame, anger, disengagement, and control do not provide connection points for repairing trust and faith in a relationship.

 In seeking to mend a fractured relationship, the willingness to work on the relationship and reconstruct the trust that was broken is crucial.

Couples Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Relationships

How to bring back spontaneity in your relationship

It takes ongoing effort to keep a relationship fresh and lively. In today’s society, it can be easy to become critical of our own relationship when we focus on what others are doing and how others are prioritizing their relationships. 

If you find yourself comparing your relationship to others’ and their relationships often seem more exciting or fulfilling than yours, this can lead to an overall dissatisfaction in your own relationship. We all know the saying, “the grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.” Watering our own grass requires a more mindful approach to nurturing our relationship. Rather than focusing on what is missing in the relationship, we make a conscious choice to devote our time and energy to finding ways in which we can enhance our relationship. 

One way that we can begin mindfully pouring into our relationship is by planning spontaneous activities that break us out of our old mold. If you are looking to increase spontaneity and rekindle the flame, try this strategy:

  • 1. Make a list of things that you and your partner have done that he or she considered romantic, exciting, or fun.
  • 2. Find articles online for things to do with your partner, focusing on novelty, variety, and romance. Write down the ideas that you would consider doing.
  • 3. Once a week, get out your list and look it over for inspiration. Plan a time to surprise your partner with your activity.
  • 4. Get your partner in on the action and together, add to the list any ideas you have for spending quality time with one another.

Our favorite links to ideas:

17 fun things to do as a couple

30 things to do with your partner other than binge-ing Netflix

For more relationship advice, reach out to Hollie! Read more about her here.

Marriage Counseling, Trauma

How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Partner

“Oh no, it’s happening again. I want to tell him I’m upset, but I can’t seem to speak.”

“I just threw a tantrum over nothing, like some little kid. I feel so silly! What’s wrong with me?”

 

 

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not crazy. It’s common for childhood trauma to show up in unexpected ways, especially in close relationships with others. A certain tone or phrase from your partner can trigger an intense reaction that feels out of place in the moment. Even if you know your partner didn’t mean any harm, you may find yourself overwhelmed with such strong emotions that you feel out of control. Often, these feelings stem from the past. Even if they’re buried deep down, unprocessed emotions have a tendency of leaking out again when we least expect it.

 

 

Because childhood trauma so often involves our earliest relationships, it makes sense that old patterns of coping show up in our most intimate relationships. Your mind is always vigilant, ready to protect you from any perceived relational threat. Even if your partner is supportive, your trauma may convince you that you don’t deserve their love. If your partner has a hard time understanding, invalidating messages like “you’re too sensitive” or “stop being so emotional” can trigger you all over again. So how do you keep past trauma from wreaking havoc in the here and now?

 

 

This is why it’s so important to find a counselor you feel safe with. Working with a trauma counselor can help you identify old relational patterns and triggers, and cope with the overwhelming emotions that follow. When you experience new ways of relating in the context of a safe relationship, old patterns begin to change, promoting healthier relationships with others. Past trauma affects the present – but it doesn’t always have to. 

If you would like to hear more about how childhood trauma can affect your relationship with your partner, you can contact Summer Greenlee, LPC Associate.

Here is the link to learn more about Summer:

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