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Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is the point of therapy?

The point, my friend – is to become a friend to yourself.

You come in with pain, right? All sorts of aches and pains, nervous systems screaming at you; sleepless nights, or detached days, where nothing really feels alive anymore, and you wonder: is this what living is supposed to be? You compare your insides to others’ outsides, and you think, I’m a freak, I’m a loser, I’m a weirdo. You feel alone, like no one else seems to have these feelings, these problems. You feel compulsive, apathetic, insecure, enraged at traffic, or you shout expletives at your spouse, AGAIN, and you’re just… tired.

We get lots of tired people in therapy.

Because everyone’s tired. The human condition is tiring. Interpersonal neurobiology tells us that the brain is wired to detect threats. Something bad happens and we’re wired to, at least, attempt to save ourselves from it happening again. So we attempt, and attempt, and attempt, until all that energy poured into attempting becomes a black hole. We sink down into it. It rends us limb from limb, into oblivion.

Interpersonal neurobiology also tells us about social baseline theory: Humans “find it easier and less energetically taxing to regulate emotion and act when in proximity to familiar and predictable others.” 1 In short, this exhaustion, this black hole collapsing on us- becomes less taxing simply by having a relationship at our side.  So we get to therapy, we cultivate a relationship with a stable other, and then the exhaustion lightens
up. Just enough so we can take a good look at it.

And once we look at it, we become the stable other to the exhaustion itself. We befriend it. We learn to love it. And behind that exhaustion, is the fear of pain. So what do we do next? We befriend the fear of pain. That fear wants to spare us, doesn’t it? But it does so in ineffective ways. So we learn to love the fear as we would a small, panicked child.  We calmly and lovingly accept and soothe that child.

And then what next? With the fear soothed, we are calm enough take a square look at our pain, and… learn to love the pain. The pain is initially blinding, and we’re afraid it’ll sear us, but we take one breath, and then two, and we discover that our pain is far more intricate, far more complex, brilliant and… alive than we imagined. It’s a force of nature inside of us. The pain brings messages to us. It teaches us what we love, what we care about most. It tells us what we value. To encounter the pain, with the calming presence of a stable other, with the tools we’ve learned in therapy at our side, that actually …brings us to life.

And then the thing that felt impossible actually happens: we encounter our joy. The joy that is our birthright. The joy that’s just as much a part of the human condition, but ever so much quieter. The joy that is free. The joy that is intertwined with pain and grief, but also with delight, vitality, passion, and realness. The joy that leads to honest, resilient, courageous and interconnected living.

So to befriend ourselves, in all our pain and our joy. In a nutshell – I think that’s the point of therapy.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

direct therapy

There are different kinds of help we all need.

Sometimes, we need the help of being listened to, being understood, being heard, being in a space with someone who will hold us in our pain and give us room to find our own way through the process. There are other times where we need someone who will actively engage us – maybe question us
in ways we’ve never considered, or challenge us when we feel stagnant, or acknowledge something in us we’re not aware of and bring it to light. What kind of support are you looking for?

Therapists can provide both kinds, and often, they go hand in hand. But some therapists tend to be more direct and active in helping you make change, and some therapists tend to be more indirect – trusting your change to unfold without needing to directly form it.

What’s important for you as the client is to become aware of what you’re needing in session. If you’ve been with a therapist for two years, two weeks, or two minutes – know a good therapist will care about what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to directly address your therapist regarding how they are helping you. Are you looking for more engagement from your therapist? More direction? Do you need some concrete help along your pathway of growth? Or are you feeling afraid of input and need the space to find what you experience with an affirming presence ? Maybe you wonder if it’s possible for your therapist to sit back and observe together where your own intuition and exploration takes you.

With a good therapist, there’s always, always, always an open invitation for you to express your desires for what kind of therapeutic relationship you’re wanting. Take ownership of your therapy and ask for what you need! A good therapist will encounter your desires with openness, receptivity, and a willingness to help you gain the support you’re looking for.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
About, Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

benefits of acceptance and commitment therapy

CBT is probably the type of therapy you’ve heard the most about. It’s the one that has been researched the most so doctors recommend it. And it is really affective! It helps people change their behaviors by changing the way they think.

Our very own Stacey Shoemaker uses this approach in her therapy with kids, teens and adults. Check out her method here!  I have recently been on a journey to learn more about a new (to me) approach to therapy. If you are a client, you’ve heard me beat this drum every session! 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is just as affective at helping clients see change in their lives.

But what I love about it is it considers a persons deepest motivations and how to create a more meaningful life (not just more happiness). It’s a joy to see clients move toward a set of values that they can see in their day to day life. Sometimes therapy can feel ethereal and all in your head. ACT therapy makes it a bit more concrete so that you can see change in your life. But it also helps with those thoughts and beliefs that block you from getting to where you want to go. 

Here are a couple books I love that use ACT:

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris Get it here!

The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris Get it here!

Then if you want to read a bit more about it, see below:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are both evidence-based approaches to psychotherapy, and their efficacy often depends on the condition being treated, the individual’s preferences, and the context in which the therapy is delivered. Below is a comparison based on existing research:

 Efficacy of CBT

-Strengths: CBT is highly effective for treating anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mood-related conditions. It is also well-supported in treating eating disorders and substance use disorders.

– Mechanism: CBT focuses on identifying and modifying maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. It helps individuals recognize unhealthy thought patterns and develop healthier, more constructive thinking patterns.

– Evidence: CBT has a robust evidence base from decades of clinical trials and is often considered the “gold standard” for many mental health conditions.

Efficacy of ACT

– Strengths: ACT is particularly effective for chronic pain, stress, burnout, and conditions involving emotional avoidance or psychological flexibility, such as PTSD and some forms of depression and anxiety. It is also used effectively in workplace wellness and in addressing general quality-of-life issues.

– Mechanism: ACT focuses on increasing psychological flexibility by helping individuals accept their internal experiences, commit to values-based actions, and not being controlled by limiting beliefs.

– Evidence: ACT has a growing evidence base and is considered equally effective as CBT for many conditions, such as anxiety and depression, according to several meta-analyses. It often excels in helping individuals with issues related to meaning and values.

Key Differences in Approach

– Focus on Change vs. Acceptance: CBT emphasizes changing negative thought patterns, while ACT emphasizes accepting them and focusing on values-driven behavior.

– Skills Development: CBT often involves more structured skills training, while ACT encourages experiential and mindfulness-based processes.

Comparison in Research

– Equally Effective for Many Conditions: For depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders, meta-analyses suggest that ACT and CBT are equally effective.

– ACT’s Strength in Comorbid and Chronic Conditions: ACT is sometimes preferred for conditions involving comorbidities, chronic pain, or when fostering psychological flexibility is a priority.

– Long-Term Outcomes: Some studies suggest ACT may lead to more sustained changes in psychological flexibility over time, whereas CBT may have slightly faster symptom reduction initially.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

trapped in an anxiety loop

Anxiety is a powerful word that describes a wide range of behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

When it’s working for us, anxiety is a great tool that helps us get things done and manage future outcomes. A little touch of anxiety can get us going on an important deadline, muster the courage to have a difficult conversation or manage a full schedule. Turn up the volume a little bit and anxiety will get us through an emergency injury for one of our children, engage in a conflict we didn’t expect, or resist injustices in our society, school, or workplace. But turn up the volume even more and anxiety quickly turns from helping us control outcomes to quickly controlling us.

Many of us get stuck in that high volume setting, due to distressing events that asked the managerial part of our brains to keep going, and keep going, and keep going… and suddenly the noise of anxiety became so loud we found ourselves unable to do anything else. It’s as if our brain and body are in overdrive and we can no longer access anything but this accelerated state. Often, even noticing this induces more distress – and then we’re applying more control and rigidity to reduce these painful feelings… which leads to even more anxiety! Signs of this can include being unable to sleep well, an inability to focus, racing heart, a sense of hyperactivity, or panic attacks.

When you feel trapped in an anxious loop, it is useful to ground yourself in your body and remind yourself that anxiety is a tool for managing the future…. Not the present. Ask yourself: what needs attention right now? Likely the answer to that is you. Take a moment to pay attention to yourself. What signs are showing you that you’re in overdrive? Can you compassionately witness your anxiety and look at it with loving eyes? What do you see? Listen to your mind and your body for a moment – what do you need in this very moment?

Even with these questions, it can be hard to calm down during this cognitive practice of self-compassion. So we turn toward the body: using grounding and breathing techniques we can invite a sense of physical calm:

1) Notice you’re anxious. Acknowledge the anxiety, just that it’s there. No need to fix it.

2) Notice the room around you, your environment, what colors, shapes, textures there are, and describe them to yourself. Notice your body and how it feels – what your hands feel like, what your feet feel like, what your back and shoulders and face feel like.

3) Notice your breath and use it as a tool to calm your nervous system. When you intentionally slow your breathing, taking a longer exhale than inhale, your brain sees that as a cue to send out safety signals to your body and engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of us that calms down). Try to breathe in for four and out for six. Do this several times slowly until it feels more natural and calming.

4) Get back into the present with some sort of activity that requires no analysis. Listening to music, dancing, going for a walk, taking a bath, spending time with a pet are all good examples.

Anxiety is a helpful emotion, and it tells us something external needs our attention. But too much anxiety robs of the opportunity to be present with ourselves as it insists on external action instead of internal presence. Gently thank your anxiety for being there for you, but get back in charge by allowing yourself to compassionately connect with the present moment.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt

are you living in fear?

Are you living in fear? Transforming Fear into Confidence

1. Self-Doubt = Fear

Fear can really mess with our decision-making, often pushing us away from what we truly want. When we let fear drive our choices, we end up reacting to it rather than moving forward intentionally. For instance, you might avoid being open with your partner because you’re scared of getting hurt, or you might hold back your opinions on social issues because you’re afraid of being judged.

Research supports that acknowledging your fears can help reduce their power. For example, a study published in the *Journal of Anxiety, Stress & Coping* found that naming and confronting fears can significantly decrease their intensity and improve emotional resilience (Roemer & Orsillo, 2009). By naming your fears—like saying, “I’m scared of being vulnerable because I might be rejected,” or “I worry that sharing my views on social justice will make me seem judgmental”—it can make them feel less overwhelming and more manageable.

2. Challenge the Inner Critic: Disobeying Limiting Beliefs**

We all have that little voice inside that tells us what we “should” do or not do, often limiting our potential. This inner critic might say things like, “You shouldn’t speak up in meetings,” or “You should keep your opinions to yourself.” Following these rules can really box us in and keep us from growing.

Research suggests that these self-imposed limits can increase anxiety and reduce self-efficacy. The *Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry* highlights that strict self-restrictions often contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety (Hofmann et al., 2012). To break free, try ignoring that inner critic every now and then. If you feel you “shouldn’t” share your thoughts, go ahead and speak up anyway. By challenging these internal restrictions, you can boost your confidence and feel more empowered.

3. Distinguish Between Fear and Wisdom: Making Informed Decisions**

It’s important to tell the difference between fear and wisdom when making decisions. Fear often makes things seem worse than they are, projecting negative outcomes into the future and distorting reality. On the other hand, wisdom involves careful thinking, being open to new information, and taking risks wisely.

Studies have shown that wisdom involves evaluating risks realistically and combining cognitive and emotional insights for better decision-making. Research published in the *Journal of Decision Making* emphasizes that wisdom includes gathering information, consulting others, and trusting your instincts (Schaie & Willis, 2018). By focusing on wisdom rather than fear, you’ll be able to make decisions that are both thoughtful and confident.

In short, overcoming self-doubt means facing your fears head-on, challenging the rules you set for yourself, and choosing wisdom over fear. By doing these things, you’ll find yourself making more confident, deliberate choices in your life.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

 I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.
 

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

shame spirals

Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.

Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.

Sound familiar? If you’ve experienced a shame spiral before, you know how paralyzing they can be. Feelings of shame are hard enough to manage on their own at times, but a shame spiral occurs when constant feelings of shame spin us out of control. The bottom of this spiral looks different for everybody, but it can result in a panic attack, over or undereating, withdrawing from others, a depressive episode, or even self-harming thoughts and behaviors.
 
When shame spirals hit, they keep us stuck. They limit us and prevent us from moving forward by convincing us that we’re out of options. They give us feelings of hopelessness and the belief that nothing will solve our problems because we are the problem.

The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:

 
·         What happens when you’ve reached the bottom? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors show you that your shame spiral has reached a critical point?
 
·         Right before you’ve hit the bottom, what signs in your body show you that you’re almost to that point? Which muscles may feel tense or numb? Do you feel shaky or out of breath? Is your mind racing or going blank?
 
·         Taking a step up the spiral from there, what thoughts, emotions, and sensations are you experiencing? Are you more or less talkative? Are you just beginning to feel anxious or depressed?
 
·         Then at the top of your spiral: how do you know when you’re just beginning to feel a sense of shame? Are you more irritable? Do you get a sinking sensation in your chest or start focusing on a specific thought such as, “I shouldn’t be this way.”
Once you map out your shame spirals, it takes practice catching them early and discovering which methods give you some relief. The earlier you catch it, the faster you can take a break, recharge, call a friend, get some sleep, or do something else to help soothe or distract yourself until you’re in a better frame of mind.
 
When you’re not in a shame spiral, it’s so much easier to return to the original issue and begin problem-solving. It’s easier to think and consider your options. You can figure out what in the situation you can control vs. what you can’t control and make a plan from there.
For an extra activity you can use to decrease shame, try this short, 5-minute meditation on extending loving kindness to self and others: 5-minute meditation
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

mastering the madness: confronting anxiety and racing thoughts

Ever feel like there’s a relentless and chaotic storm brewing inside you?

That’s how it feels for me. It’s as if this unceasing tempest is constantly whirling, making it hard to find calm or clarity.  Imagine an endless list of worries or a barrage of terrible outcomes that disrupt your sleep and trigger a deep sense of panic, overwhelming your mind with fear and uncertainty and threatening to gobble up your entire life.

If this is something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Anxiety is something more and more of us are grappling with it. Recognizing that you’re facing an issue is a significant first step. The path that follows can feel challenging, filled with therapy sessions, medications, and self-help techniques, all with one goal—getting the reins of your whirling thoughts and intense emotions back in your hands.

Let’s Talk about Your High Standards and Feelings of Inadequacy

Anxiety might seem complex, but it often starts with a straightforward narrative—I’m not enough. These self-esteem-crushing feelings can be fueled by sky-high expectations imposed by others or ourselves. Maybe it’s an insatiable pursuit of perfection, an impossible standard set by others, or a deep-rooted belief that you’re destined to fail unless you’re extraordinary.

These persistently lofty standards are a breeding ground for anxiety and racing thoughts. When life becomes an ongoing test with an unreachable passing score, it’s not surprising that our minds start sprinting, scared of the fallout of perceived failure.

The Birthplace of Anxiety and Racing Thoughts

Several factors can ignite anxiety, like genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. For some, it ignites during childhood when their parents hammer in the need to excel and succeed. Others might be genetically disposed to anxiety disorders, which makes them more likely to develop them when they encounter stressful situations.

Racing thoughts, a regular symptom of anxiety, surface when our minds scramble to cope with severe feelings of fear and worry. They make it immensely hard to relax, focus, or even carry on a conversation. In severe cases, racing thoughts can trigger panic attacks, a terrifying experience
that feels like everything is spiraling into chaos.

Ways to Tackle Racing Thoughts

Dealing with racing thoughts is all about having tested tools ready to help refocus your mind and break the cycle of fear and worry.

Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation

Cultivating mindfulness can transform the way you manage anxiety. By directing your attention to the present moment through meditation, you learn to observe the flurry of thoughts in your mind without getting carried away. This habit can distance you from the relentless wave of racing thoughts, providing a much-needed moment of clarity and peace.

Set a Worry Time

Designating a specific “worry time” is a psychological technique to curb racing thoughts. Pick a time each day when you’ll focus entirely on your anxieties. If anxious thoughts sneak up for the rest of the day, remind yourself to address them during your worry time. Having a fixed time for
worries helps you dictate and manage those thoughts rather than allowing them to control you.

Integrate Relaxation Techniques

Incorporate relaxation techniques into your day to combat racing thoughts. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises and indulging in pleasurable hobbies can help reduce your overall stress. Regularly practicing these methods can teach your body to chill out more effectively when anxiety strikes.

What’s Next?

Anxiety and racing thoughts can feel debilitating, but they aren’t unbeatable. By identifying the triggers and effects of anxiety and equipping yourself with practical tools, you can start to regain control over your mental health. Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Therapy can serve as a support system and a catalyst for growth, empowering you to rewrite your anxiety story and take control of your life.

By taking one step, one thought at a time, you can lead a calmer life, free from the overpowering influence of anxiety and racing thoughts. The silence you”ll experience in a mind that once was in a constant race is a blessing—a free space that lets contentment and joy flourish. You deserve nothing less when it comes to your health and well-being.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!
Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what now?

So, you have graduated college and now onto  the world of “adulting”! 

I have checked all of the boxes. Now, I update my resume and  apply for the job I have always wanted and so deserve because I have worked so diligently to get where I am today.  Three months have passed and I still do not have a job. What now?  How did this happen to me?  Where did I go wrong?
 
Sound familiar?  The world is a much larger place than it appeared while you were a college student,  possibly “ living your best life”.  Coming to the realization of being a new college graduate is not always easy. In fact, it can be overwhelming, increase your anxiety, cause depression, and even self-doubt. You are not alone. 
 
Facing the reality of job searching is not what the college years prepared you for.  Researching  career paths and applying for jobs is like a part time job in itself. It takes persistence and confidence, which yours may be wavering at this point.  If you are feeling lost in what to do next or where to turn for help; you are not alone. I work with many college graduates who have been right where you are today.  Through a therapeutic relationship, we build on your strengths, learn to recognize what your are passionate about, and navigate this unexpected journey together. 
 

Reach out today so we can find the next step for you! 

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what if they don’t accept my boundaries?

Healthy boundaries help maintain respect, mutuality, and connection in relationships.

You get to decide which boundaries are most important for you to set with others.

For instance, you can choose to set physical boundaries around who you feel comfortable accepting affection from. Or you may choose to set boundaries on your time by declining to attend one event, while prioritizing another commitment elsewhere.
 
In relationships with people who are generally healthy and safe, setting boundaries may feel more effortless. They already accept your limits and are open about theirs as well. Negotiating and making compromises with them takes place naturally and doesn’t feel like you’re tiptoeing around a landmine.
 
Unfortunately, the people you need to set boundaries with most are often those who are least likely to respect them. You tell them you’re busy, they show up anyway. You ask them not to bring up a sensitive topic, and they talk about it at every opportunity. That may leave you wondering, what’s the point in setting boundaries at all?

It’s important to remember that boundaries are requests, not demands.

 
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior, it’s about keeping  yourself safe and managing your resources wisely. People can (and often do) say no when you try to set boundaries with them.
 
When it comes to those in your life who tend to ignore, dismiss, or reject your boundaries, make sure you have a plan. You can’t control their behavior, but you can come up with ideas for how to better protect yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Then, present your boundaries to the other person in the form of options.
 
For example:
 
“I want to figure this out with you, but I feel overwhelmed when you call me names. If you can talk about it without calling me that, I can stay on the phone, but otherwise I’m going to hang up and take a break for now.”
 
“Could you please not do that when I’m in the room? I start to panic whenever this happens, so if it continues, I’ll have to leave until I can calm down. I don’t mind staying otherwise, as long as this stops.”
 
Let the person know how they can best connect with you in the situation and what you’ll do if they choose not to accept your boundaries. Then – and this is key – make sure you follow through! If you tell them you have to go home if they continue to cross your boundaries, go home if they continue. If you don’t follow through on what you say, the person will assume you’re not serious and they’ll keep pushing past your limits. The more you stick to what you say, the more likely they will be to adjust to your requests in the future.
 
Of course, you’ll also come into contact with some people who push your boundaries constantly. If you can get distance from them, that’s great, but in some situations that isn’t always possible. For example, maybe there’s someone at work or school that you have to interact with on a regular basis. Maybe you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing a boundary every five minutes. Realistically, catching them on every single thing may be exhausting or even impossible. Choose your battles. Take time to consider which boundaries you’re willing to let slide at times and which are non-negotiables for you.
 
Especially if you’re not used to doing it, setting healthy boundaries takes practice. Consider working with a professional for extra support. 
You can also check out this free workbook for more tools on how to set boundaries: Workbook
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

healthy boundaries while staying connected with your teen

It can be hard to know how to setup healthy boundaries with your teen. You don’t want to invade their space, but you want to make sure they are safe. We get this question a lot in therapy. How do I setup healthy boundaries for my teen, respect their boundaries, but stay connected to them?

Respecting their privacy/space

Teens prefer to have time and space either alone or with friends. Parents can be on the lookout for opportunities to engage with their teenager.  Oftentimes, these are late at night or when you least expect it. Practice asking open ended questions and limit questions right after school. Be open and honest (within reason) regarding your teenage years, this will help build trust between you and your teen. Get to know your teen’s friends. Invite them over and cook a meal, order pizza, or make brownies. A creative parent can engage with teenagers while still maintaining the desired privacy of a teenager’s world.

Influence in decision making

Adolescents are in the process of maturing and becoming independent. Creating opportunities for teens to participate in decision making will help shape their critical thinking skills, build rapport between parent and teen, and demonstrate respect within the relationship.

Example: discussion of curfew in high school years. Make list of pros and cons regarding proposed times. Evaluate options and make a plan. Possibly allow for extended curfew on special occasions/improved grades/respectful attitude among family members. Ongoing communication is key!

Establishing healthy boundaries during the teen years takes practice and requires much patience. Expect there to be ups and downs, be willing to make changes as needed, and know that it’s okay to make mistakes. Parents that choose to hold their teens accountable within a loving environment foster responsibility and resilience.

Withdrawn vs typical teen behavior

Teenagers often display big feelings and reactions! What is considered normal? When do we need to seek help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents? It is normal for teenagers to sleep more, make poor choices in eating habits, display “moody” behavior, and at times turn your world upside down. Watching for changes in these normal adolescent behaviors can help parents identify when it might be time to seek help. The adolescent brain is working in overtime as transformation is taking place and studies show half of all genetic mental disorders begin to develop by age 14.

Here is what anxiety/depression can look like:

Overall disruption within family dynamics
Changes in friend groups/having no plans with friends
Withdrawn more than usual
Not turning in assignments/drop in overall grades
Changes in eating habits
Sleeping more than normal or not being able to fall or stay asleep
Angry outbursts over small matters

If your teenager is exhibiting any of these signs and your gut tells you something seems “off” it is time to find support. Normal adolescent behavior vs. possible signs of a mood disorder can be determined by a mental health therapist. Working alongside families with teenagers, meeting with teens on an individual basis, and providing additional education and resources is something I am passionate about. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker!
Reach out today to book with Stacey!
Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

how emotions help us

Emotions sometimes get a bad reputation.

Telling someone they’re being “emotional,” for instance, usually implies that they’ve lost control of their ability to express their feelings in an appropriate way.

And emotions do have a way of taking control sometimes. Sadness can turn into a depression casting everything in a negative light. Anger can turn into a rage where you say or do things you never intended.
 
But emotions themselves aren’t bad. They’re neutral. Everybody has emotions, and what matters most is what you choose to do with them. All emotions give us useful information about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. Sometimes emotions tell us things that aren’t exactly true, but even then, the information and energy they give us can be helpful.
 

Here are some examples:

 
  • Anger – alerts us to injustice, fills us with energy we can use to stay safe or accomplish tasks, shows us when a boundary is being crossed, gives us courage to advocate for ourselves and others.
  • Sadness – shows us what we value and love, alerts us to when we’ve lost something important, tells us what we need to seek out that we’re currently lacking, helps others know when we need support.
  • Fear – alerts us to immediate danger, fills us with energy we can use to get to safety, shows us what we may need to change or avoid staying safe, warns us of toxic environments.
  • Anxiety – alerts us to a possible future threat, helps us prepare for or prevent danger, fills us with energy to accomplish tasks, keeps us aware of the environment so we can react quickly if needed.
  • Guilt – lets us know when we’ve gone against our own values, tells us when we may need to make a repair in a relationship, shows us where we may need to grow and change.
  • Happiness – refreshes us, helps us recharge so we have more energy to face things later, fills us with energy to accomplish tasks and connect with others, helps us stay open to new possibilities.
 
Tuning into our emotions gives us more control, because it gives us the option of choosing to use the information productively. For example, when you take time to notice that you feel angry instead of stuffing it down or immediately exploding, you may come to realize the message it’s giving you is that a boundary has been crossed. After taking time to cool down, you can then use all the adrenaline anger gave you as courage to calmly and assertively set a boundary where needed.
 
Our emotions don’t have to disrupt our ability to make beneficial decisions. Given some time and non-judgmental attention, they can aid us in better understanding ourselves and others.
For more on emotions, check out Brene Brown’s book: “Atlas of the Heart.” (click here)
 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC
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