Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt

are you living in fear?

Are you living in fear? Transforming Fear into Confidence

1. Self-Doubt = Fear

Fear can really mess with our decision-making, often pushing us away from what we truly want. When we let fear drive our choices, we end up reacting to it rather than moving forward intentionally. For instance, you might avoid being open with your partner because you’re scared of getting hurt, or you might hold back your opinions on social issues because you’re afraid of being judged.

Research supports that acknowledging your fears can help reduce their power. For example, a study published in the *Journal of Anxiety, Stress & Coping* found that naming and confronting fears can significantly decrease their intensity and improve emotional resilience (Roemer & Orsillo, 2009). By naming your fears—like saying, “I’m scared of being vulnerable because I might be rejected,” or “I worry that sharing my views on social justice will make me seem judgmental”—it can make them feel less overwhelming and more manageable.

2. Challenge the Inner Critic: Disobeying Limiting Beliefs**

We all have that little voice inside that tells us what we “should” do or not do, often limiting our potential. This inner critic might say things like, “You shouldn’t speak up in meetings,” or “You should keep your opinions to yourself.” Following these rules can really box us in and keep us from growing.

Research suggests that these self-imposed limits can increase anxiety and reduce self-efficacy. The *Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry* highlights that strict self-restrictions often contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety (Hofmann et al., 2012). To break free, try ignoring that inner critic every now and then. If you feel you “shouldn’t” share your thoughts, go ahead and speak up anyway. By challenging these internal restrictions, you can boost your confidence and feel more empowered.

3. Distinguish Between Fear and Wisdom: Making Informed Decisions**

It’s important to tell the difference between fear and wisdom when making decisions. Fear often makes things seem worse than they are, projecting negative outcomes into the future and distorting reality. On the other hand, wisdom involves careful thinking, being open to new information, and taking risks wisely.

Studies have shown that wisdom involves evaluating risks realistically and combining cognitive and emotional insights for better decision-making. Research published in the *Journal of Decision Making* emphasizes that wisdom includes gathering information, consulting others, and trusting your instincts (Schaie & Willis, 2018). By focusing on wisdom rather than fear, you’ll be able to make decisions that are both thoughtful and confident.

In short, overcoming self-doubt means facing your fears head-on, challenging the rules you set for yourself, and choosing wisdom over fear. By doing these things, you’ll find yourself making more confident, deliberate choices in your life.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

Written by: Margaret Barrett

Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

shame spirals

Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.

Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.

Sound familiar? If you’ve experienced a shame spiral before, you know how paralyzing they can be. Feelings of shame are hard enough to manage on their own at times, but a shame spiral occurs when constant feelings of shame spin us out of control. The bottom of this spiral looks different for everybody, but it can result in a panic attack, over or undereating, withdrawing from others, a depressive episode, or even self-harming thoughts and behaviors.

When shame spirals hit, they keep us stuck. They limit us and prevent us from moving forward by convincing us that we’re out of options. They give us feelings of hopelessness and the belief that nothing will solve our problems because we are the problem.

The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:

· What happens when you’ve reached the bottom? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors show you that your shame spiral has reached a critical point?

· Right before you’ve hit the bottom, what signs in your body show you that you’re almost to that point? Which muscles may feel tense or numb? Do you feel shaky or out of breath? Is your mind racing or going blank?

· Taking a step up the spiral from there, what thoughts, emotions, and sensations are you experiencing? Are you more or less talkative? Are you just beginning to feel anxious or depressed?

· Then at the top of your spiral: how do you know when you’re just beginning to feel a sense of shame? Are you more irritable? Do you get a sinking sensation in your chest or start focusing on a specific thought such as, “I shouldn’t be this way.”

Once you map out your shame spirals, it takes practice catching them early and discovering which methods give you some relief. The earlier you catch it, the faster you can take a break, recharge, call a friend, get some sleep, or do something else to help soothe or distract yourself until you’re in a better frame of mind.

When you’re not in a shame spiral, it’s so much easier to return to the original issue and begin problem-solving. It’s easier to think and consider your options. You can figure out what in the situation you can control vs. what you can’t control and make a plan from there.

For an extra activity you can use to decrease shame, try this short, 5-minute meditation on extending loving kindness to self and others: 5-minute meditation

Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Reach out today to book with Summer!

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

mastering the madness: confronting anxiety and racing thoughts

Ever feel like there’s a relentless and chaotic storm brewing inside you?

That’s how it feels for me. It’s as if this unceasing tempest is constantly whirling, making it hard to find calm or clarity. Imagine an endless list of worries or a barrage of terrible outcomes that disrupt your sleep and trigger a deep sense of panic, overwhelming your mind with fear and uncertainty and threatening to gobble up your entire life.

If this is something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Anxiety is something more and more of us are grappling with it. Recognizing that you’re facing an issue is a significant first step. The path that follows can feel challenging, filled with therapy sessions, medications, and self-help techniques, all with one goal—getting the reins of your whirling thoughts and intense emotions back in your hands.

Let’s Talk about Your High Standards and Feelings of Inadequacy

Anxiety might seem complex, but it often starts with a straightforward narrative—I’m not enough. These self-esteem-crushing feelings can be fueled by sky-high expectations imposed by others or ourselves. Maybe it’s an insatiable pursuit of perfection, an impossible standard set by others, or a deep-rooted belief that you’re destined to fail unless you’re extraordinary.

These persistently lofty standards are a breeding ground for anxiety and racing thoughts. When life becomes an ongoing test with an unreachable passing score, it’s not surprising that our minds start sprinting, scared of the fallout of perceived failure.

The Birthplace of Anxiety and Racing Thoughts

Several factors can ignite anxiety, like genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. For some, it ignites during childhood when their parents hammer in the need to excel and succeed. Others might be genetically disposed to anxiety disorders, which makes them more likely to develop them when they encounter stressful situations.

Racing thoughts, a regular symptom of anxiety, surface when our minds scramble to cope with severe feelings of fear and worry. They make it immensely hard to relax, focus, or even carry on a conversation. In severe cases, racing thoughts can trigger panic attacks, a terrifying experience
that feels like everything is spiraling into chaos.

Ways to Tackle Racing Thoughts

Dealing with racing thoughts is all about having tested tools ready to help refocus your mind and break the cycle of fear and worry.

Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation

Cultivating mindfulness can transform the way you manage anxiety. By directing your attention to the present moment through meditation, you learn to observe the flurry of thoughts in your mind without getting carried away. This habit can distance you from the relentless wave of racing thoughts, providing a much-needed moment of clarity and peace.

Set a Worry Time

Designating a specific “worry time” is a psychological technique to curb racing thoughts. Pick a time each day when you’ll focus entirely on your anxieties. If anxious thoughts sneak up for the rest of the day, remind yourself to address them during your worry time. Having a fixed time for
worries helps you dictate and manage those thoughts rather than allowing them to control you.

Integrate Relaxation Techniques

Incorporate relaxation techniques into your day to combat racing thoughts. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises and indulging in pleasurable hobbies can help reduce your overall stress. Regularly practicing these methods can teach your body to chill out more effectively when anxiety strikes.

What’s Next?

Anxiety and racing thoughts can feel debilitating, but they aren’t unbeatable. By identifying the triggers and effects of anxiety and equipping yourself with practical tools, you can start to regain control over your mental health. Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Therapy can serve as a support system and a catalyst for growth, empowering you to rewrite your anxiety story and take control of your life.

By taking one step, one thought at a time, you can lead a calmer life, free from the overpowering influence of anxiety and racing thoughts. The silence you”ll experience in a mind that once was in a constant race is a blessing—a free space that lets contentment and joy flourish. You deserve nothing less when it comes to your health and well-being.

Written by: Avis Strong

Reach out today to book with Avis!

Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what now?

So, you have graduated college and now onto the world of “adulting”!

I have checked all of the boxes. Now, I update my resume and apply for the job I have always wanted and so deserve because I have worked so diligently to get where I am today. Three months have passed and I still do not have a job. What now? How did this happen to me? Where did I go wrong?

Sound familiar? The world is a much larger place than it appeared while you were a college student, possibly “ living your best life”. Coming to the realization of being a new college graduate is not always easy. In fact, it can be overwhelming, increase your anxiety, cause depression, and even self-doubt. You are not alone.

Facing the reality of job searching is not what the college years prepared you for. Researching career paths and applying for jobs is like a part time job in itself. It takes persistence and confidence, which yours may be wavering at this point. If you are feeling lost in what to do next or where to turn for help; you are not alone. I work with many college graduates who have been right where you are today. Through a therapeutic relationship, we build on your strengths, learn to recognize what your are passionate about, and navigate this unexpected journey together.

Reach out today so we can find the next step for you!

Written by: Stacey Shoemaker

Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

what if they don’t accept my boundaries?

Healthy boundaries help maintain respect, mutuality, and connection in relationships.

You get to decide which boundaries are most important for you to set with others.

For instance, you can choose to set physical boundaries around who you feel comfortable accepting affection from. Or you may choose to set boundaries on your time by declining to attend one event, while prioritizing another commitment elsewhere.

In relationships with people who are generally healthy and safe, setting boundaries may feel more effortless. They already accept your limits and are open about theirs as well. Negotiating and making compromises with them takes place naturally and doesn’t feel like you’re tiptoeing around a landmine.

Unfortunately, the people you need to set boundaries with most are often those who are least likely to respect them. You tell them you’re busy, they show up anyway. You ask them not to bring up a sensitive topic, and they talk about it at every opportunity. That may leave you wondering, what’s the point in setting boundaries at all?

It’s important to remember that boundaries are requests, not demands.

A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior, it’s about keeping yourself safe and managing your resources wisely. People can (and often do) say no when you try to set boundaries with them.

When it comes to those in your life who tend to ignore, dismiss, or reject your boundaries, make sure you have a plan. You can’t control their behavior, but you can come up with ideas for how to better protect yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Then, present your boundaries to the other person in the form of options.

For example:

“I want to figure this out with you, but I feel overwhelmed when you call me names. If you can talk about it without calling me that, I can stay on the phone, but otherwise I’m going to hang up and take a break for now.”

“Could you please not do that when I’m in the room? I start to panic whenever this happens, so if it continues, I’ll have to leave until I can calm down. I don’t mind staying otherwise, as long as this stops.”

Let the person know how they can best connect with you in the situation and what you’ll do if they choose not to accept your boundaries. Then – and this is key – make sure you follow through! If you tell them you have to go home if they continue to cross your boundaries, go home if they continue. If you don’t follow through on what you say, the person will assume you’re not serious and they’ll keep pushing past your limits. The more you stick to what you say, the more likely they will be to adjust to your requests in the future.

Of course, you’ll also come into contact with some people who push your boundaries constantly. If you can get distance from them, that’s great, but in some situations that isn’t always possible. For example, maybe there’s someone at work or school that you have to interact with on a regular basis. Maybe you’re dealing with someone who’s crossing a boundary every five minutes. Realistically, catching them on every single thing may be exhausting or even impossible. Choose your battles. Take time to consider which boundaries you’re willing to let slide at times and which are non-negotiables for you.

Especially if you’re not used to doing it, setting healthy boundaries takes practice. Consider working with a professional for extra support.

You can also check out this free workbook for more tools on how to set boundaries: Workbook

Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Reach out today to book with Summer!

Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

healthy boundaries while staying connected with your teen

It can be hard to know how to setup healthy boundaries with your teen. You don’t want to invade their space, but you want to make sure they are safe. We get this question a lot in therapy. How do I setup healthy boundaries for my teen, respect their boundaries, but stay connected to them?

Respecting their privacy/space

Teens prefer to have time and space either alone or with friends. Parents can be on the lookout for opportunities to engage with their teenager. Oftentimes, these are late at night or when you least expect it. Practice asking open ended questions and limit questions right after school. Be open and honest (within reason) regarding your teenage years, this will help build trust between you and your teen. Get to know your teen’s friends. Invite them over and cook a meal, order pizza, or make brownies. A creative parent can engage with teenagers while still maintaining the desired privacy of a teenager’s world.

Influence in decision making

Adolescents are in the process of maturing and becoming independent. Creating opportunities for teens to participate in decision making will help shape their critical thinking skills, build rapport between parent and teen, and demonstrate respect within the relationship.

Example: discussion of curfew in high school years. Make list of pros and cons regarding proposed times. Evaluate options and make a plan. Possibly allow for extended curfew on special occasions/improved grades/respectful attitude among family members. Ongoing communication is key!

Establishing healthy boundaries during the teen years takes practice and requires much patience. Expect there to be ups and downs, be willing to make changes as needed, and know that it’s okay to make mistakes. Parents that choose to hold their teens accountable within a loving environment foster responsibility and resilience.

Withdrawn vs typical teen behavior

Teenagers often display big feelings and reactions! What is considered normal? When do we need to seek help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents? It is normal for teenagers to sleep more, make poor choices in eating habits, display “moody” behavior, and at times turn your world upside down. Watching for changes in these normal adolescent behaviors can help parents identify when it might be time to seek help. The adolescent brain is working in overtime as transformation is taking place and studies show half of all genetic mental disorders begin to develop by age 14.

Here is what anxiety/depression can look like:

Overall disruption within family dynamics
Changes in friend groups/having no plans with friends
Withdrawn more than usual
Not turning in assignments/drop in overall grades
Changes in eating habits
Sleeping more than normal or not being able to fall or stay asleep
Angry outbursts over small matters

If your teenager is exhibiting any of these signs and your gut tells you something seems “off” it is time to find support. Normal adolescent behavior vs. possible signs of a mood disorder can be determined by a mental health therapist. Working alongside families with teenagers, meeting with teens on an individual basis, and providing additional education and resources is something I am passionate about. Reach out today for afternoon and evening sessions.

Written by: Stacey Shoemaker!

Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

how emotions help us

Emotions sometimes get a bad reputation.

Telling someone they’re being “emotional,” for instance, usually implies that they’ve lost control of their ability to express their feelings in an appropriate way.

And emotions do have a way of taking control sometimes. Sadness can turn into a depression casting everything in a negative light. Anger can turn into a rage where you say or do things you never intended.

But emotions themselves aren’t bad. They’re neutral. Everybody has emotions, and what matters most is what you choose to do with them. All emotions give us useful information about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. Sometimes emotions tell us things that aren’t exactly true, but even then, the information and energy they give us can be helpful.

Here are some examples:

Anger – alerts us to injustice, fills us with energy we can use to stay safe or accomplish tasks, shows us when a boundary is being crossed, gives us courage to advocate for ourselves and others.
Sadness – shows us what we value and love, alerts us to when we’ve lost something important, tells us what we need to seek out that we’re currently lacking, helps others know when we need support.
Fear – alerts us to immediate danger, fills us with energy we can use to get to safety, shows us what we may need to change or avoid staying safe, warns us of toxic environments.
Anxiety – alerts us to a possible future threat, helps us prepare for or prevent danger, fills us with energy to accomplish tasks, keeps us aware of the environment so we can react quickly if needed.
Guilt – lets us know when we’ve gone against our own values, tells us when we may need to make a repair in a relationship, shows us where we may need to grow and change.
Happiness – refreshes us, helps us recharge so we have more energy to face things later, fills us with energy to accomplish tasks and connect with others, helps us stay open to new possibilities.

Tuning into our emotions gives us more control, because it gives us the option of choosing to use the information productively. For example, when you take time to notice that you feel angry instead of stuffing it down or immediately exploding, you may come to realize the message it’s giving you is that a boundary has been crossed. After taking time to cool down, you can then use all the adrenaline anger gave you as courage to calmly and assertively set a boundary where needed.

Our emotions don’t have to disrupt our ability to make beneficial decisions. Given some time and non-judgmental attention, they can aid us in better understanding ourselves and others.

For more on emotions, check out Brene Brown’s book: “Atlas of the Heart.” (click here)

Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Reach out today to book with Summer!

Two women sitting in front of a lake, possibly discussing an apology.

Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

apologies

Apologies are a glue that helps hold relationships together.

No matter what kind of relationship it is, it’s only a matter of time before a misunderstanding occurs or one or both people make a mistake that leads to feelings of hurt.

Those feelings can be ignored, and issues can get swept under the rug in the name of keeping the peace, but in the long term, unaddressed problems tend to persist and show up again later down the road. Apologies open up a conversation. They give us the chance to genuinely reconnect, and in some cases even enhance connection.

The thing is apologizing can be hard. Especially if you’ve never seen a good model for what a healthy apology looks like, the very act can feel threatening.

It can be misconstrued as:

Declaring yourself inferior and the other person superior
Shame messages (Ex: “I’m a bad person.”)
Taking all the blame regardless of whether/how much you were in the wrong
Weakness

In reality, apologizing takes a lot of strength and courage. It’s a sign of responsibility and maturity. So, what does a healthy apology look like? Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” gets the point across and both people come away content and ready to move on. However, some relationship ruptures are more serious. In those cases, a thoughtful apology can go a long way to rebuild trust.

Here are some tips:

1. State specifically what you’re sorry for. Ex: “I really regret (specific words/actions). It was wrong because…”

Remember: this isn’t the same as apologizing for your existence!

2. Validate the other person’s feelings. Ex: “I can understand if you feel (angry/hurt/sad/scared).”

3. Say what you’re willing do in the future to make things better or to prevent the same thing from happening again. You can also ask them for suggestions to consider. Ex: “Next time, I’ll do (specific actions) instead. Do you think that would help?”

4. Let them know if there’s anything you still need from them. Ex: “When you do (specific words/actions), I feel…”

5. Express care for the person and reaffirm your relationship. Ex: “I really value our relationship and want to make this work.”

This kind of apology balances respect for the other person with self-respect. It’s not the same as groveling or diminishing yourself, and it shows you’re capable of change, growth, and intimacy with others.

Even if you apologize well and sincerely, the other person may not always be in a place to accept your apology. You may not agree on what went wrong or what should be done about it. That’s okay. The apology is still important because of what it says about you and what you value. And in many cases, it’s a great way to lay a foundation for mutual appreciation, understanding, and reconciliation.

Associated Media: More tips for starting difficult conversations and resolving conflicts: (click here)

Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

managing holiday expectations

The holiday season is here. The Holidays leave more opportunities for disappointment for unmet expectations than almost any other time of the year.

This can be true for kids: “That wasn’t the toy I asked Santa for”, “This toy looked so cool on you tube but it’s not fun in real life”, “My sister didn’t like the gift I worked hard to make”, “The adults lied about Santa”, etc.

This can be true for parents: I worked so long to make Christmas special and instead we all have a stomach virus, I was so excited for my parents to visit, and they’ve done nothing but criticize us since they got here, I want to give my kids picture perfect holidays but we’re going to have to max out our credit cards to do it and the list goes on…

This can be true for couples: People pressuring them to have a baby or even cracking jokes about why they don’t have kids or work less and enjoy their ‘empty nest’ since their kids went to college and the transition has been hard.

This can be true for single people: Who are still relegated to the kid’s table or are pressured to be set up with Aunt Margie’s neighbor and whose offer to host a holiday isn’t taken seriously.

This can be true for college students and emerging adults: whose presence and views aren’t taken seriously yet again by those whose acceptance is personally important. Or they are suddenly categorized as ‘an adult’ for cooking or gift giving and they may not have the finances to be able to contribute like others do.

This can be true for those grieving a loss. They feel the reality that even in the most ‘Hallmark’ moments of the season your person who is missing is amplified and you feel like breaking down in the midst of the merriment.

In order to manage expectations:

1. Fill your calendar intentionally. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and overscheduled this time of year. Make it a point as early as possible to put every holiday event or party on your calendar and to add in the appropriate time for tasks related to these events like cleaning, shopping, cooking/baking, gift-wrapping, commuting to and from these events, etc. so you have a more realistic picture of what you are committing to do. This will lead to a more calm and less stressed and resentful atmosphere overall because you have the resources to commit to the things you have agreed to do.

2. Talk to the people in your life about what matters most to you and what matters most to them. Sometimes we do things because we’ve always done them when really the kids are bored by driving around looking at Christmas lights or because we think things are really important to our partner (like their company Holiday party, when actually, it doesn’t matter that much to them). If you or your family/partner are wanting to have a paired down holiday season this year or just to be more focused, intentionally making a prioritized list of all the events and then eliminating a select number can be a helpful process.

3. Have a script or answer for difficult questions or moments.

If you know you’re going to be facing the “When are y’all going to have a baby question” maybe you want a quippy boundary setter like, “Not in the next 9 months, I can tell you that!” or maybe you need to set a firmer line, “When and if I/we choose to have a baby is personal, please respect our privacy.”

4. Have built in quiet moments or self-care moments.

Even the most laid-back person can become overwhelmed by the busy schedule, crowded parties, shops and traffic, the rich foods and constant barrage of holiday music. Make time to be in quiet spaces and to take care of yourself and your family in whatever way that looks like for you.

5. Focus on what you can do and make those things really fun. Some of the things we love are the big (expensive) events: great seats at the Nutcracker, a lavish Christmas dinner, ICE! at the Gaylord but some of the smaller events that pass us by are just as important if not more for our core memories. Making safganiyot (donuts for Hanukkah) with your kids using your Bubbe’s recipe, singing Silent Night at the candlelight service on Christmas eve, having a festive cocktail while you and your bestie wrap gifts for your families.

The bottom line is the holidays can be just as memorable and perhaps even more so, when you intentionally choose how to spend your time, finances and emotional energy instead of over-scheduling and over-spending. This provides more room for gratitude and peace and hopefully less room for burnout and disappointment.

Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

am i too sensitive

Do you feel your emotions very deeply? Do you find yourself easily irritated or overstimulated by loud noises, certain textures, bright lights, or crowded rooms? Is your pain tolerance very low compared to those around you?

If your answer is yes to all the above, there’s a chance you may have what Dr. Elaine Aron refers to as Sensory Processing Sensitivity. In her book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” she talks about research that’s shown a small proportion of the population is born with a higher level of sensitivity. That means these individuals have very finely tuned senses, enabling them to pick up a lot more information from the environment than others do. Sight, sound, smell, taste, touch – all are experienced at a higher intensity. Not only are these individuals more physically sensitive, but they also tend to enjoy deep emotional, relational, and spiritual experiences.

Heightened sensitivity can be very useful in many ways. It can allow you to connect more deeply with others, sense danger faster, observe details others miss, and find an abundance of fuel for meaningful creative expression. However, it can also have its downsides. Higher sensitivity can also mean it’s easier for you to feel overwhelmed by your surroundings – especially if they are noisy, crowded, and emotionally charged.

You may feel at times like you don’t belong, especially if you’re used to living in a family, community, or culture where the most prized characteristics are being physically tough and emotionally unaffected. You may feel pressured by others to change.

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you can’t change how your brain is wired. Sensitivity is not something you can just turn off. What you can do is learn how you best function and take care to prevent and manage the overwhelm that so often accompanies high sensitivity. To some extent, you can increase your tolerance to uncomfortable sensory experiences. But managing life as a highly sensitive person also means learning when you’ve pushed hard enough, and when it’s time to be gentle with yourself.

The highly sensitive person tends to appreciate the little things in life to a greater degree. A warm cup of your favorite tea, space to journal and self-reflect, a walk out in nature, time spent snuggling a pet – these kinds of things, when incorporated into your routine, can help tremendously when you’re feeling overwhelmed. The more time you get to fully recharge, the more time you can spend doing what you do best with the unique strengths you have as a highly sensitive person.

To take the highly sensitive person self-test, visit Dr. Elaine Aron’s website: https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is emotional abuse

Emotional abuse has a sneaky side. It can slip by unnoticed, especially if it was something you got used to experiencing growing up or in a long-term relationship.

But just because it isn’t always obvious, that doesn’t mean it can’t cause a lot of damage. Emotional abuse – even without any other forms of abuse present – can lead to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other issues over time.

Pinpointing emotional abuse can also be tough because the term itself is a little vague, leading to plenty of misconceptions. But here’s what emotional abuse doesn’t mean:

· Experiencing or expressing emotions that upset other people

· Taking a step back from providing emotional support for others when you’re feeling too drained

· Telling someone “No”

·Having a disagreement or argument

·Making normal mistakes in relationships at times (ex: losing your temper, saying something you don’t really mean, snapping when you’re feeling hangry, getting defensive first before apologizing, etc.)

Emotional abuse is insidious, and different from the natural ups and downs experienced in most relationships. It’s when someone consistently and actively tries to emotionally harm someone else. Here’s what it can look like:

· Manipulation

· Controlling behaviors such as how you spend your time or who you spend time with

· Constant criticism

· Passive-aggressive jokes and put-downs

· Gaslighting – convincing you that what you experience and/or feel isn’t real or didn’t happen

· Triangulating you against others and vice versa

· Frequent lying

· Emotional invalidation

· Shaming

· Purposefully humiliating you in front of others

· Constant blaming instead of taking responsibility for their own actions

· Name calling and frequent insults

· Threatening

· Baiting you into arguments

These are just a few examples. Sometimes one or two of the above behaviors can show up briefly in a relationship, such as in times of stress or during major conflicts, but then get resolved. It’s when these behaviors become persistent, frequent, and prolonged that they can really begin to take a major toll.

Those who have suffered under prolonged emotional abuse can develop many of the same symptoms as those who have experienced physical abuse – including hypervigilance, low self-worth, self-harm, suicidality, eating disorders, flashbacks, nightmares, social anxiety, panic attacks, and difficulty trusting others.

When emotional abuse is experienced on a repetitive basis, it can turn you against yourself. The barrage of guilt messages and invalidation can get internalized to the point where even when you’re free from an emotionally abusive relationship, you end up telling yourself those same messages.

What helps? For starters, experiencing safe, healthy relationships. That may mean a relationship with a partner, family, friends, or a counselor – people who can begin to help you rewrite the negative messages you received from the emotional abuse you experienced. This takes time and repetition, but in the long term brings renewed confidence and connection.

Associated media for more signs and symptoms of emotional abuse: https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#what-to-do

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