fbpx
About, Anxiety, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

welcome to your journey of healing: my approach with EMDR therapy

Hi there! I’m so glad you’re here. If you’re feeling tangled up in anxiety, weighed down by depression, or finding it tricky to build healthy relationships, I want you to know that it’s okay, and more importantly, there’s a hopeful path ahead. Often, these struggles are linked to past experiences that haven’t been fully processed, leaving a lasting imprint on our lives.
 
This is where my approach with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help. EMDR is a unique and powerful method that allows us to dive deep into those difficult memories and emotions. It’s like taking a compassionate journey back through time to heal old wounds, allowing you to find relief and a new perspective in the present.
 
As your therapist, I see my role as a guide and a supportive companion on this journey.  Together, we’ll navigate the challenging terrain of your memories and emotions. I’ll offer a safe and nurturing space where you can explore, understand, and transform the experiences holding you back. My goal is to help you move through the process with empathy, care, and the expertise that comes from a deep understanding of how EMDR can unlock pathways to healing.
 
In our sessions, we won’t just address the symptoms you’re experiencing; we will work on changing the root causes. By gently reprocessing those painful memories, we can start to shift the deep-seated beliefs and feelings that contribute to your anxiety, depression, and relationship challenges. This isn’t about forgetting the past but changing how it lives within you, empowering you to lead a life filled with more peace, understanding, and connection.
 
Embarking on EMDR therapy is a courageous step towards a future where you feel more in control and fulfilled. You won’t be alone; I’ll be with you every step of the way, offering my knowledge, support, and compassion. Together, we’ll work towards revisiting the past and reshaping it into a strong, healthy foundation for a brighter tomorrow.
 
So, if you’re ready to explore this path of healing and change, I’m here to walk it with you. Let’s start this journey together, transforming challenges into stepping stones towards a more joyful and connected life. Your story awaits its next beautiful chapter, and I’m excited to help you write it.
Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

my family rules

As a kid (and even as an adult child) there is so much that we learn from our parents and our families.

They teach us qualities:  Be kind, be hardworking, be respectful

They teach us tasks:  How to do laundry, how to change a flat tire, how to cook scrambled eggs. 

They teach us rules:  We don’t hit our brothers, we brush our teeth before bed, we eat our vegetables at dinner if we want dessert. 

In order to be a “part” of the family (ie. “you’re a Smith- we don’t give up!”) you learn and follow the rules. Sometimes, though, they are not so clearly stated.

An explicit rule is described above: “we do not hit.”

An implicit rule is different. Nobody tells you that it’s a rule. But somehow, you learn it. Nobody talks about it, but it becomes a part of you.

Examples of implicit rules:

  • We don’t share about our problems
  • Nobody should ever upset little brother
  • We always act like a perfect family in front of Grandma
  • We don’t feel __ because that is weak

These are things that your family probably didn’t teach you directly– but you know to follow this rule anyways. 

Take for example, somebody who grew up in a family where nobody talked about their feelings. Maybe the family got in a fight, everybody went to their rooms to calm down, then pretended it didn’t happen.

As a kid, you learned: we don’t talk about bad feelings. We leave it alone and pretend it didn’t happen. As an adult, you may notice that you still follow this rule. Now, you shut down during conflict. Maybe you physically leave, and act like everything is normal once you return. You (still) don’t talk about bad feelings.

Is there a rule that you can think of that your family follows subconsciously? How does this show up in your life now, as an adult?

The thing is, implicit rules aren’t always bad. They help maintain balance in the family, and give the family a sense of unity, of being on the same team. “Our family” versus “others.”

The trouble comes when these rules no longer serve you, and start causing problems. Using the example above: while you were growing up, ignoring conflict helped you fit in

with your family. But now, it makes your partner question if you can work through issues together!

So, now that I know what implicit family rules are, what do I do about it?

  1. Notice them! These are implicit rules, so many of them are beyond awareness. The first step is to pay attention to what rules there may be in your family, and which rules are causing you trouble.
  2. Baby steps! After noticing which rules you’d like to see change, start taking steps to counteract them when they show up. This could be within your family itself, or in other areas of your life that they show up in. It’s natural for there to be pushback to changing a lifelong rule, so start slow and manage your expectations!
  3. Meeting with a therapist can be a good strategy to deeply explore your family dynamics. Sometimes it can be hard to notice these things by yourself, and a trained family therapist (like Kate at East Dallas Therapy 😉) can help you dig deep into understanding what family rules may still be showing up in your adult life.

Recognizing and changing our family dynamics can be a tricky task! Often, though, it can be an essential and rewarding part of self-growth. East Dallas Therapy is rooting for you on your journey!

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

 

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is the point of therapy?

The point, my friend – is to become a friend to yourself.

You come in with pain, right? All sorts of aches and pains, nervous systems screaming at you; sleepless nights, or detached days, where nothing really feels alive anymore, and you wonder: is this what living is supposed to be? You compare your insides to others’ outsides, and you think, I’m a freak, I’m a loser, I’m a weirdo. You feel alone, like no one else seems to have these feelings, these problems. You feel compulsive, apathetic, insecure, enraged at traffic, or you shout expletives at your spouse, AGAIN, and you’re just… tired.

We get lots of tired people in therapy.

Because everyone’s tired. The human condition is tiring. Interpersonal neurobiology tells us that the brain is wired to detect threats. Something bad happens and we’re wired to, at least, attempt to save ourselves from it happening again. So we attempt, and attempt, and attempt, until all that energy poured into attempting becomes a black hole. We sink down into it. It rends us limb from limb, into oblivion.

Interpersonal neurobiology also tells us about social baseline theory: Humans “find it easier and less energetically taxing to regulate emotion and act when in proximity to familiar and predictable others.” 1 In short, this exhaustion, this black hole collapsing on us- becomes less taxing simply by having a relationship at our side.  So we get to therapy, we cultivate a relationship with a stable other, and then the exhaustion lightens
up. Just enough so we can take a good look at it.

And once we look at it, we become the stable other to the exhaustion itself. We befriend it. We learn to love it. And behind that exhaustion, is the fear of pain. So what do we do next? We befriend the fear of pain. That fear wants to spare us, doesn’t it? But it does so in ineffective ways. So we learn to love the fear as we would a small, panicked child.  We calmly and lovingly accept and soothe that child.

And then what next? With the fear soothed, we are calm enough take a square look at our pain, and… learn to love the pain. The pain is initially blinding, and we’re afraid it’ll sear us, but we take one breath, and then two, and we discover that our pain is far more intricate, far more complex, brilliant and… alive than we imagined. It’s a force of nature inside of us. The pain brings messages to us. It teaches us what we love, what we care about most. It tells us what we value. To encounter the pain, with the calming presence of a stable other, with the tools we’ve learned in therapy at our side, that actually …brings us to life.

And then the thing that felt impossible actually happens: we encounter our joy. The joy that is our birthright. The joy that’s just as much a part of the human condition, but ever so much quieter. The joy that is free. The joy that is intertwined with pain and grief, but also with delight, vitality, passion, and realness. The joy that leads to honest, resilient, courageous and interconnected living.

So to befriend ourselves, in all our pain and our joy. In a nutshell – I think that’s the point of therapy.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

direct therapy

There are different kinds of help we all need.

Sometimes, we need the help of being listened to, being understood, being heard, being in a space with someone who will hold us in our pain and give us room to find our own way through the process. There are other times where we need someone who will actively engage us – maybe question us
in ways we’ve never considered, or challenge us when we feel stagnant, or acknowledge something in us we’re not aware of and bring it to light. What kind of support are you looking for?

Therapists can provide both kinds, and often, they go hand in hand. But some therapists tend to be more direct and active in helping you make change, and some therapists tend to be more indirect – trusting your change to unfold without needing to directly form it.

What’s important for you as the client is to become aware of what you’re needing in session. If you’ve been with a therapist for two years, two weeks, or two minutes – know a good therapist will care about what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to directly address your therapist regarding how they are helping you. Are you looking for more engagement from your therapist? More direction? Do you need some concrete help along your pathway of growth? Or are you feeling afraid of input and need the space to find what you experience with an affirming presence ? Maybe you wonder if it’s possible for your therapist to sit back and observe together where your own intuition and exploration takes you.

With a good therapist, there’s always, always, always an open invitation for you to express your desires for what kind of therapeutic relationship you’re wanting. Take ownership of your therapy and ask for what you need! A good therapist will encounter your desires with openness, receptivity, and a willingness to help you gain the support you’re looking for.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

i still haven’t found “the one”

How to Cope with Being Single When That Wasn’t Your Plan

So many people have dreamt about what it will be like to meet “The One” and settle down. You have an idea of this person, this relationship, in your head, and you can’t wait for it to happen. But what if it doesn’t?

Watching your friends and peers around you settle down is exciting, but can feel weird when you’ve always imagined that that would be you by now. It’s not like you haven’t tried to make your relationships work. After a certain point, you might start to think about giving up, moving on from the stress and chaos of dating and the pressure you put on yourself to find your person. 

At the same time, maybe there’s a part of you that isn’t ready to give up. After all, there’s no harm in trying a little bit longer and holding out hope. But it’s hard: the longer you hold out hope, the longer you can continue to feel let down. You want to know what will be best for you.

Being single when you don’t necessarily want to be is a complex situation. People who want a long-term partner but cannot seem to find them can often fluctuate between wanting to give up so they can move on, and wanting to hold out hope of finding what, or who, they’ve been looking for. We can look at this as an ambiguous loss: a type of loss in which there isn’t a clear way to find closure. Ambiguous losses can make it hard for people to grieve and move on, because they are often still looking for answers or clarity. In this case, you had an idea for what you thought your life might look like. You have an idea of a partner that has existed in your head, but they don’t yet exist in your life.

 

So how can you cope with this? What should you do?

1. Practice dialectical thinking. This means noticing that 2 opposite things can be true at once.

  • “I feel the burden of not having a partner right now, AND I can find ways to have a fulfilling life outside of a partnership”
  • “There are things I don’t like about being single, AND I enjoy certain parts about being single as well”

2. Find ways to fulfill other areas of your life.

  • Do you have a hobby or a way you enjoy spending your time?
  • Can you nurture other meaningful relationships in your life? Family, friends, or even volunteering might be good places to start finding fulfillment in other relationships

3. Give yourself permission to grieve

  • Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel disappointed and conflicted. Something that you truly thought would happen by now, hasn’t happened- that’s disappointing.
  • Let yourself be okay with the ambiguity. You don’t have to decide “once and for all” to give up on love. It’s okay not to have an answer right now.

4. Consider seeking additional support in a peer group or with a professional.

  • Whether you find support from a peer group or a therapist, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone!
  • Although therapists are not dating coaches or matchmakers, they are trained in helping people cope with complex situations and stress. It might be helpful to have a safe space to explore your feelings.

Navigating an ambiguous loss can be tricky. Know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are not “wrong”! Consider reaching out to East Dallas Therapy for more support.

 Written by: Kate Hilton
Reach out today to book with Kate!

 

Anxiety, Uncategorized

a poem about anxiety

Who created this abyss inside me…

The further down I go
Unearthing thought after cause after effect after reason
The more black it gets
The longer this takes
The less air I’ve got
The darkness consumes
I’m free falling and there’s no bottom
I’ll finally lose it I’ll turn inside out I’ll howl into nothingness

– An eternal gasp –

Someone grabs my hand and I recoil away, you can’t help me now
But they hold on tight and I feel my fingers are so cold against their warmth
I finally return the grasp (help me!) and grab on
…the roughness of the callouses in their hand, the bend of their knuckles, the strength
of their grip pulls me
shoulders drop, relying on their grasp I let my arms go
Back stretching, breath slowing, sides lengthening, legs reaching
It’s dark,
I can’t
I won’t
what if….
My legs a panicked cycling until I reach one toe out and feel

….. a surface

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

About, Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

benefits of acceptance and commitment therapy

CBT is probably the type of therapy you’ve heard the most about. It’s the one that has been researched the most so doctors recommend it. And it is really affective! It helps people change their behaviors by changing the way they think.

Our very own Stacey Shoemaker uses this approach in her therapy with kids, teens and adults. Check out her method here!  I have recently been on a journey to learn more about a new (to me) approach to therapy. If you are a client, you’ve heard me beat this drum every session! 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is just as affective at helping clients see change in their lives.

But what I love about it is it considers a persons deepest motivations and how to create a more meaningful life (not just more happiness). It’s a joy to see clients move toward a set of values that they can see in their day to day life. Sometimes therapy can feel ethereal and all in your head. ACT therapy makes it a bit more concrete so that you can see change in your life. But it also helps with those thoughts and beliefs that block you from getting to where you want to go. 

Here are a couple books I love that use ACT:

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris Get it here!

The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris Get it here!

Then if you want to read a bit more about it, see below:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are both evidence-based approaches to psychotherapy, and their efficacy often depends on the condition being treated, the individual’s preferences, and the context in which the therapy is delivered. Below is a comparison based on existing research:

 Efficacy of CBT

-Strengths: CBT is highly effective for treating anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mood-related conditions. It is also well-supported in treating eating disorders and substance use disorders.

– Mechanism: CBT focuses on identifying and modifying maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. It helps individuals recognize unhealthy thought patterns and develop healthier, more constructive thinking patterns.

– Evidence: CBT has a robust evidence base from decades of clinical trials and is often considered the “gold standard” for many mental health conditions.

Efficacy of ACT

– Strengths: ACT is particularly effective for chronic pain, stress, burnout, and conditions involving emotional avoidance or psychological flexibility, such as PTSD and some forms of depression and anxiety. It is also used effectively in workplace wellness and in addressing general quality-of-life issues.

– Mechanism: ACT focuses on increasing psychological flexibility by helping individuals accept their internal experiences, commit to values-based actions, and not being controlled by limiting beliefs.

– Evidence: ACT has a growing evidence base and is considered equally effective as CBT for many conditions, such as anxiety and depression, according to several meta-analyses. It often excels in helping individuals with issues related to meaning and values.

Key Differences in Approach

– Focus on Change vs. Acceptance: CBT emphasizes changing negative thought patterns, while ACT emphasizes accepting them and focusing on values-driven behavior.

– Skills Development: CBT often involves more structured skills training, while ACT encourages experiential and mindfulness-based processes.

Comparison in Research

– Equally Effective for Many Conditions: For depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders, meta-analyses suggest that ACT and CBT are equally effective.

– ACT’s Strength in Comorbid and Chronic Conditions: ACT is sometimes preferred for conditions involving comorbidities, chronic pain, or when fostering psychological flexibility is a priority.

– Long-Term Outcomes: Some studies suggest ACT may lead to more sustained changes in psychological flexibility over time, whereas CBT may have slightly faster symptom reduction initially.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

trapped in an anxiety loop

Anxiety is a powerful word that describes a wide range of behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

When it’s working for us, anxiety is a great tool that helps us get things done and manage future outcomes. A little touch of anxiety can get us going on an important deadline, muster the courage to have a difficult conversation or manage a full schedule. Turn up the volume a little bit and anxiety will get us through an emergency injury for one of our children, engage in a conflict we didn’t expect, or resist injustices in our society, school, or workplace. But turn up the volume even more and anxiety quickly turns from helping us control outcomes to quickly controlling us.

Many of us get stuck in that high volume setting, due to distressing events that asked the managerial part of our brains to keep going, and keep going, and keep going… and suddenly the noise of anxiety became so loud we found ourselves unable to do anything else. It’s as if our brain and body are in overdrive and we can no longer access anything but this accelerated state. Often, even noticing this induces more distress – and then we’re applying more control and rigidity to reduce these painful feelings… which leads to even more anxiety! Signs of this can include being unable to sleep well, an inability to focus, racing heart, a sense of hyperactivity, or panic attacks.

When you feel trapped in an anxious loop, it is useful to ground yourself in your body and remind yourself that anxiety is a tool for managing the future…. Not the present. Ask yourself: what needs attention right now? Likely the answer to that is you. Take a moment to pay attention to yourself. What signs are showing you that you’re in overdrive? Can you compassionately witness your anxiety and look at it with loving eyes? What do you see? Listen to your mind and your body for a moment – what do you need in this very moment?

Even with these questions, it can be hard to calm down during this cognitive practice of self-compassion. So we turn toward the body: using grounding and breathing techniques we can invite a sense of physical calm:

1) Notice you’re anxious. Acknowledge the anxiety, just that it’s there. No need to fix it.

2) Notice the room around you, your environment, what colors, shapes, textures there are, and describe them to yourself. Notice your body and how it feels – what your hands feel like, what your feet feel like, what your back and shoulders and face feel like.

3) Notice your breath and use it as a tool to calm your nervous system. When you intentionally slow your breathing, taking a longer exhale than inhale, your brain sees that as a cue to send out safety signals to your body and engage your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of us that calms down). Try to breathe in for four and out for six. Do this several times slowly until it feels more natural and calming.

4) Get back into the present with some sort of activity that requires no analysis. Listening to music, dancing, going for a walk, taking a bath, spending time with a pet are all good examples.

Anxiety is a helpful emotion, and it tells us something external needs our attention. But too much anxiety robs of the opportunity to be present with ourselves as it insists on external action instead of internal presence. Gently thank your anxiety for being there for you, but get back in charge by allowing yourself to compassionately connect with the present moment.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Anxiety, Deconstruction, Self-Care, Self-doubt

are you living in fear?

Are you living in fear? Transforming Fear into Confidence

1. Self-Doubt = Fear

Fear can really mess with our decision-making, often pushing us away from what we truly want. When we let fear drive our choices, we end up reacting to it rather than moving forward intentionally. For instance, you might avoid being open with your partner because you’re scared of getting hurt, or you might hold back your opinions on social issues because you’re afraid of being judged.

Research supports that acknowledging your fears can help reduce their power. For example, a study published in the *Journal of Anxiety, Stress & Coping* found that naming and confronting fears can significantly decrease their intensity and improve emotional resilience (Roemer & Orsillo, 2009). By naming your fears—like saying, “I’m scared of being vulnerable because I might be rejected,” or “I worry that sharing my views on social justice will make me seem judgmental”—it can make them feel less overwhelming and more manageable.

2. Challenge the Inner Critic: Disobeying Limiting Beliefs**

We all have that little voice inside that tells us what we “should” do or not do, often limiting our potential. This inner critic might say things like, “You shouldn’t speak up in meetings,” or “You should keep your opinions to yourself.” Following these rules can really box us in and keep us from growing.

Research suggests that these self-imposed limits can increase anxiety and reduce self-efficacy. The *Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry* highlights that strict self-restrictions often contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety (Hofmann et al., 2012). To break free, try ignoring that inner critic every now and then. If you feel you “shouldn’t” share your thoughts, go ahead and speak up anyway. By challenging these internal restrictions, you can boost your confidence and feel more empowered.

3. Distinguish Between Fear and Wisdom: Making Informed Decisions**

It’s important to tell the difference between fear and wisdom when making decisions. Fear often makes things seem worse than they are, projecting negative outcomes into the future and distorting reality. On the other hand, wisdom involves careful thinking, being open to new information, and taking risks wisely.

Studies have shown that wisdom involves evaluating risks realistically and combining cognitive and emotional insights for better decision-making. Research published in the *Journal of Decision Making* emphasizes that wisdom includes gathering information, consulting others, and trusting your instincts (Schaie & Willis, 2018). By focusing on wisdom rather than fear, you’ll be able to make decisions that are both thoughtful and confident.

In short, overcoming self-doubt means facing your fears head-on, challenging the rules you set for yourself, and choosing wisdom over fear. By doing these things, you’ll find yourself making more confident, deliberate choices in your life.

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

don’t be afraid of what you think

“Don’t be afraid of what you think.”

Someone told me these words after college, a time when I was frequently challenged by ideas that were so different from my own.

 I had many beliefs, some religious, some philosophical, some about myself, some about others and… many of these beliefs weren’t working for me anymore. But I was afraid to challenge myself, afraid that I’d steer myself away from a secure path towards ultimate truth and purpose.
 

It can be easy to fear what you think. We cling to belief systems of so many kinds to keep ourselves grounded, to know what’s real, to decide how to act, and to live out who we want to be. These beliefs create real value, and they tell us a lot about what we treasure in our lives. Why would we want to dismantle any of the stability or assurance they bring?

But sometimes you can’t shake the nagging feeling that something isn’t working anymore. Maybe the cognitive dissonance has become too much to bear, and you constantly feel at war with yourself. Maybe you know you want to leave old patterns behind, but you have no clear path ahead of you and you’re scared to leave without a road map. Maybe you feel like you might lose connection with close ones if you no longer identify with a certain understanding of the world.

When a client is articulating thoughts like these, my first thought is to acknowledge that these fears are holding a person back from authenticity. Real costs are often borne when someone has to navigate a belief change, especially because there are not just private but public ramifications. It takes immense bravery to step out and admit to yourself first, much less others, that you might not actually believe certain things anymore. This admission may cost you relationships, communities, and inner certainty.

But there is also a part of you that feels caged, like you’ve outgrown what’s come before and you’re cramped, repressed, exhausted by being in a framework that doesn’t fit.

When clients are ready, I encourage them to admit first to themselves, in the safety of their journal, their private minds or the therapeutic room, what they really care about, and what they really believe. Therapy offers the privilege of cultivating a nonjudgmental space in which you can express anything and everything, and due to our confidentiality agreement none of those admissions will leave the room. The client must first establish the safety within themselves to take the “leap of faith” and admit to their true thoughts.

When that step is taken, it is remarkable to see the relief that comes simply from cultivating honesty in one’s own mind. And once this honesty is experienced, figuring out what one really does think and believe can come with greater ease because you aren’t hampered by external factors. Then the journey really gets good: you no longer have to conform to a pre-existing picture: you get to paint your own! In the therapeutic space, this occurs by processing life without censorship, practicing authenticity with yourself, asking the questions and thinking, feeling, discovering, evaluating, living your way into the answers. It’s where vitality, inspiration, and connection to yourself show up; it is where you get to discover who you are and what you really value. And when you do that inside, you can show up so much more authentically to your life with others.

The famous songwriter Leonard Cohen says in his song Anthem that “there’s cracks in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” Sometimes, we can feel like all we’re trying to do is plug those cracks in our mind before they start to break us apart. But we exhaust ourselves in the process, we preserve a false image of ourselves and we miss out on discovering our very own light. Trust the cracks, trust the voice that’s bringing them inside, and figure out where that light comes from. It won’t necessarily be an easy journey… but I promise you won’t be disappointed at the results.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!

Anxiety, Parenting, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

i’m divorced and our child is graduating

The end of the school year seems to be the most stressful time for busy families.

End of school parties, awards ceremonies, talent shows, exams, field day, graduation parties, high school graduations and college move outs and graduations. The calendars are full and if you are a parent who is divorced, your thoughts may be more focused on the navigation of these milestones and celebrations rather than the joy. Sound familiar?

Attending functions at your child’s school or attending a graduation are milestones parents do not want to miss. So how do parents embrace these sometimes difficult, awkward, yet necessary encounters? As a divorced parent, I have learned and am still learning what my kids most need during these times. Divorce is painfully complex and each member of the family unit carries a personal narrative- even young children. Leading up to an event may be dreadful and even seem unmanageable.
 
Remind yourself of the actual purpose of the occasion:

Who is it for?

What are we celebrating?

 

The joy and excitement of having family events is a privilege. Keep the focus on that. Set aside past hurts and resentment for the time being and focus on your child. Leave behind your vulnerability and insecurity during these moments.
For children of divorce, it can mean alot to merely see their parents exchanging a greeting or sitting near one another during a special event~ doesn’t mean the parents have to carry on a lengthy conversation. These small positive interactions slowly can begin to patch a child’s wounds from the traumatic experience of divorce. So, as a healthy parent not only are you healing pain and resentment within your own heart, you are allowing space for your children to begin the difficult journey of healing.
 
You will make mistakes, so plan on it; forgive yourself, apologize if necessary and continue to move forward. Hopefully, each encounter over the years will become a little easier, a new normal.

 Written by: Stacey Shoemaker
Reach out today to book with Stacey!

Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

shame spirals

Shame spirals always start with self-judgment.

Maybe you do something you’re not proud of, or a thought or emotion comes up that feels threatening. Sometimes a trigger will set it off. But the result is you begin doubting yourself big time. As the shame spiral progresses, you find yourself questioning your every move and motive. Suddenly you’re questioning your very being. Feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred set in.

Sound familiar? If you’ve experienced a shame spiral before, you know how paralyzing they can be. Feelings of shame are hard enough to manage on their own at times, but a shame spiral occurs when constant feelings of shame spin us out of control. The bottom of this spiral looks different for everybody, but it can result in a panic attack, over or undereating, withdrawing from others, a depressive episode, or even self-harming thoughts and behaviors.
 
When shame spirals hit, they keep us stuck. They limit us and prevent us from moving forward by convincing us that we’re out of options. They give us feelings of hopelessness and the belief that nothing will solve our problems because we are the problem.

The key to stopping a shame spiral is to catch it early before it really gets going. To do this, it helps to map out what your shame spirals typically look and feel like. If you don’t know how your shame spirals start, begin with mapping what the bottom is like and work your way back from there:

 
·         What happens when you’ve reached the bottom? What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors show you that your shame spiral has reached a critical point?
 
·         Right before you’ve hit the bottom, what signs in your body show you that you’re almost to that point? Which muscles may feel tense or numb? Do you feel shaky or out of breath? Is your mind racing or going blank?
 
·         Taking a step up the spiral from there, what thoughts, emotions, and sensations are you experiencing? Are you more or less talkative? Are you just beginning to feel anxious or depressed?
 
·         Then at the top of your spiral: how do you know when you’re just beginning to feel a sense of shame? Are you more irritable? Do you get a sinking sensation in your chest or start focusing on a specific thought such as, “I shouldn’t be this way.”

Once you map out your shame spirals, it takes practice catching them early and discovering which methods give you some relief. The earlier you catch it, the faster you can take a break, recharge, call a friend, get some sleep, or do something else to help soothe or distract yourself until you’re in a better frame of mind.
 
When you’re not in a shame spiral, it’s so much easier to return to the original issue and begin problem-solving. It’s easier to think and consider your options. You can figure out what in the situation you can control vs. what you can’t control and make a plan from there.

For an extra activity you can use to decrease shame, try this short, 5-minute meditation on extending loving kindness to self and others: 5-minute meditation

 Written by: Summer Greenlee, LPC