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Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

direct therapy

There are different kinds of help we all need.

Sometimes, we need the help of being listened to, being understood, being heard, being in a space with someone who will hold us in our pain and give us room to find our own way through the process. There are other times where we need someone who will actively engage us – maybe question us
in ways we’ve never considered, or challenge us when we feel stagnant, or acknowledge something in us we’re not aware of and bring it to light. What kind of support are you looking for?

Therapists can provide both kinds, and often, they go hand in hand. But some therapists tend to be more direct and active in helping you make change, and some therapists tend to be more indirect – trusting your change to unfold without needing to directly form it.

What’s important for you as the client is to become aware of what you’re needing in session. If you’ve been with a therapist for two years, two weeks, or two minutes – know a good therapist will care about what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to directly address your therapist regarding how they are helping you. Are you looking for more engagement from your therapist? More direction? Do you need some concrete help along your pathway of growth? Or are you feeling afraid of input and need the space to find what you experience with an affirming presence ? Maybe you wonder if it’s possible for your therapist to sit back and observe together where your own intuition and exploration takes you.

With a good therapist, there’s always, always, always an open invitation for you to express your desires for what kind of therapeutic relationship you’re wanting. Take ownership of your therapy and ask for what you need! A good therapist will encounter your desires with openness, receptivity, and a willingness to help you gain the support you’re looking for.

 Written by: Margaret Barrett
Reach out today to book with Margaret!
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

mastering the madness: confronting anxiety and racing thoughts

Ever feel like there’s a relentless and chaotic storm brewing inside you?

That’s how it feels for me. It’s as if this unceasing tempest is constantly whirling, making it hard to find calm or clarity.  Imagine an endless list of worries or a barrage of terrible outcomes that disrupt your sleep and trigger a deep sense of panic, overwhelming your mind with fear and uncertainty and threatening to gobble up your entire life.

If this is something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Anxiety is something more and more of us are grappling with it. Recognizing that you’re facing an issue is a significant first step. The path that follows can feel challenging, filled with therapy sessions, medications, and self-help techniques, all with one goal—getting the reins of your whirling thoughts and intense emotions back in your hands.

Let’s Talk about Your High Standards and Feelings of Inadequacy

Anxiety might seem complex, but it often starts with a straightforward narrative—I’m not enough. These self-esteem-crushing feelings can be fueled by sky-high expectations imposed by others or ourselves. Maybe it’s an insatiable pursuit of perfection, an impossible standard set by others, or a deep-rooted belief that you’re destined to fail unless you’re extraordinary.

These persistently lofty standards are a breeding ground for anxiety and racing thoughts. When life becomes an ongoing test with an unreachable passing score, it’s not surprising that our minds start sprinting, scared of the fallout of perceived failure.

The Birthplace of Anxiety and Racing Thoughts

Several factors can ignite anxiety, like genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. For some, it ignites during childhood when their parents hammer in the need to excel and succeed. Others might be genetically disposed to anxiety disorders, which makes them more likely to develop them when they encounter stressful situations.

Racing thoughts, a regular symptom of anxiety, surface when our minds scramble to cope with severe feelings of fear and worry. They make it immensely hard to relax, focus, or even carry on a conversation. In severe cases, racing thoughts can trigger panic attacks, a terrifying experience
that feels like everything is spiraling into chaos.

Ways to Tackle Racing Thoughts

Dealing with racing thoughts is all about having tested tools ready to help refocus your mind and break the cycle of fear and worry.

Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation

Cultivating mindfulness can transform the way you manage anxiety. By directing your attention to the present moment through meditation, you learn to observe the flurry of thoughts in your mind without getting carried away. This habit can distance you from the relentless wave of racing thoughts, providing a much-needed moment of clarity and peace.

Set a Worry Time

Designating a specific “worry time” is a psychological technique to curb racing thoughts. Pick a time each day when you’ll focus entirely on your anxieties. If anxious thoughts sneak up for the rest of the day, remind yourself to address them during your worry time. Having a fixed time for
worries helps you dictate and manage those thoughts rather than allowing them to control you.

Integrate Relaxation Techniques

Incorporate relaxation techniques into your day to combat racing thoughts. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises and indulging in pleasurable hobbies can help reduce your overall stress. Regularly practicing these methods can teach your body to chill out more effectively when anxiety strikes.

What’s Next?

Anxiety and racing thoughts can feel debilitating, but they aren’t unbeatable. By identifying the triggers and effects of anxiety and equipping yourself with practical tools, you can start to regain control over your mental health. Don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Therapy can serve as a support system and a catalyst for growth, empowering you to rewrite your anxiety story and take control of your life.

By taking one step, one thought at a time, you can lead a calmer life, free from the overpowering influence of anxiety and racing thoughts. The silence you”ll experience in a mind that once was in a constant race is a blessing—a free space that lets contentment and joy flourish. You deserve nothing less when it comes to your health and well-being.

 Written by: Avis Strong
Reach out today to book with Avis!
Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care

Feeling lost

So many of my clients have a common concern coming to therapy:

I don’t feel satisfied in life.

I just feel lost

I feel like I’m going through the motions throughout the day and then just wake up and do it all again.

These are all a signal to me of someone who hasn’t defined their values. We can easily live reacting to the things that life throws at us. Or just doing what others expect of us, or doing what is easiest. We get used to a low level of satisfaction and distract ourselves from the emptiness. I think many people are asleep to those things that make them come alive. Those things that make us come alive are our values.

Your values are the qualities that are most important to you. They can guide each of your choices in life. For example, one of our values in our family is learning and beauty. This means, we prioritize time to go to the museum when we go on family trips and we’ve collected art from local artists. We set aside time to do projects and listen to podcasts together on subjects we’re interested in.

Understanding your values will help you recognize areas of your life that need more attention, and what to prioritize in the future. You may notice some frustration around some values that haven’t been prioritized. Take a moment to look through the values listed below:

  • INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
  • SUCCESS
  • HUMOR
  • HONESTY & INTEGRITY
  • FUN & ENJOYMENT
  • FRIENDS & SOCIAL LIFE
  • FINANCIAL FREEDOM
  • TRUSTWORTHINESS
  • EDUCATION & LEARNING
  • CREATIVITY
  • COMMUNITY LIFE & CITIZENSHIP
  • CHANGE & VARIATION
  • BEAUTY & AESTHETICS
  • AUTHENTICITY
  • OPENNESS
  • RECREATION & LEISURE
  • WISDOM
  • STABILITY
  • CHALLENGE
  • COMPASSION
  • BOLDNESS
  • BEAUTY
  • BALANCE
  • AUTONOMY
  • AUTHORITY
  • ADVENTURE
  • ACHIEVEMENT
  • FRIENDSHIPS
  • HAPPINESS
  • FAITH
  • FAIRNESS
  • DETERMINATION
  • CURIOSITY
  • FUN
  • CONTRIBUTION
  • WORK & CAREER
  • SPIRITUALITY
  • MEANINGFUL WORK
  • LOYALTY
  • LOVE
  • LEARNING
  • LEADERSHIP
  • KNOWLEDGE
  • KINDNESS
  • JUSTICE
  • INNER HARMONY
  • INFLUENCE
  • GROWTH
  • POWER & AUTHORITY
  • PHYSICAL SELF-CARE & HEALTH
  • SERVICE
  • SECURITY
  • RESPONSIBILITY
  • RESPECT
  • RELIGION
  • POISE
  • PEACE

Understanding your values will help you recognize areas of your life that need more attention, and what to prioritize in the future. You may notice some frustration around some values that haven’t been prioritized.

  1. Take a moment to look through the values listed on the next page.
  2. Write down your top 5. If you are doing this activity with your spouse or partner: Each of you write down separately your values and then discuss what you think your shared values are for your family.
  3. Discuss or write next to each one how you have already seen these play out in your life and/or your family life.
  4. Discuss or write out the areas you want to prioritize.
  5. Commit to action: Write down one thing you could add or remove from your routine that would help prioritize this value.

To learn more about Values read The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

what is emotional abuse

Emotional abuse has a sneaky side. It can slip by unnoticed, especially if it was something you got used to experiencing growing up or in a long-term relationship.

But just because it isn’t always obvious, that doesn’t mean it can’t cause a lot of damage. Emotional abuse – even without any other forms of abuse present – can lead to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other issues over time.
Pinpointing emotional abuse can also be tough because the term itself is a little vague, leading to plenty of misconceptions. But here’s what emotional abuse doesn’t mean:

¡ Experiencing or expressing emotions that upset other people

· Taking a step back from providing emotional support for others when you’re feeling too drained

· Telling someone “No”

¡Having a disagreement or argument

·Making normal mistakes in relationships at times (ex: losing your temper, saying something you don’t really mean, snapping when you’re feeling hangry, getting defensive first before apologizing, etc.)

Emotional abuse is insidious, and different from the natural ups and downs experienced in most relationships. It’s when someone consistently and actively tries to emotionally harm someone else. Here’s what it can look like:

¡ Manipulation
¡ Controlling behaviors such as how you spend your time or who you spend time with
¡ Constant criticism
¡ Passive-aggressive jokes and put-downs
· Gaslighting – convincing you that what you experience and/or feel isn’t real or didn’t happen
¡ Triangulating you against others and vice versa
¡ Frequent lying
¡ Emotional invalidation
¡ Shaming
¡ Purposefully humiliating you in front of others
¡ Constant blaming instead of taking responsibility for their own actions
¡ Name calling and frequent insults
¡ Threatening
¡ Baiting you into arguments

These are just a few examples. Sometimes one or two of the above behaviors can show up briefly in a relationship, such as in times of stress or during major conflicts, but then get resolved. It’s when these behaviors become persistent, frequent, and prolonged that they can really begin to take a major toll.
Those who have suffered under prolonged emotional abuse can develop many of the same symptoms as those who have experienced physical abuse – including hypervigilance, low self-worth, self-harm, suicidality, eating disorders, flashbacks, nightmares, social anxiety, panic attacks, and difficulty trusting others.
When emotional abuse is experienced on a repetitive basis, it can turn you against yourself. The barrage of guilt messages and invalidation can get internalized to the point where even when you’re free from an emotionally abusive relationship, you end up telling yourself those same messages.
What helps? For starters, experiencing safe, healthy relationships. That may mean a relationship with a partner, family, friends, or a counselor – people who can begin to help you rewrite the negative messages you received from the emotional abuse you experienced. This takes time and repetition, but in the long term brings renewed confidence and connection.
Associated media for more signs and symptoms of emotional abuse:  https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#what-to-do

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

It Wasn’t That Bad

Some days you might look at your symptoms and triggers and think to yourself, “I’ve been through so much it’s overwhelming!”

Trauma feels like the perfect word to describe it. But then the next day or even the next hour rolls around, and you find yourself thinking the total opposite: “I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” After all, you can easily point to someone else who’s had it worse.  

You feel like a ping pong ball, going back and forth about what happened to you. At this point, you may assume that if you can’t settle on whether your experience was that bad, it must not be. Wouldn’t someone with real trauma feel certain about what happened to them?

Actually, no.

It’s very common for people who have experienced trauma – whether mild, moderate, or severe – to question whether anything significant really happened to them. Even those who have endured years of violence and abuse find themselves discounting their experiences.

In some ways, this is highly adaptive. Sometimes people develop a part of themselves that pretends nothing occurred so they can go on with normal life for a time. It’s too hard to feel grief, shame, or fear while you’re trying to work or study in school. Denying the trauma helps.

However, usually the person has another part of themselves that still feels all those difficult emotions, and even if that part is hidden away for a time, it never really goes away. The result can feel like an inner battle. One part of you functions well in day-to-day life by ignoring the trauma, and the other part feels crushed by the trauma and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge it.

Whenever you’re feeling divided like that, take a moment to notice which side seems to be winning out and which side is getting stifled.

Try not to judge either one. Remind yourself that both parts have helped you in the past and it’s normal to have doubts. What feelings might you be avoiding? Are there other ways you can get through the day without invalidating the hurt you still feel? Lean into your support network while you focus on bridging the gap between the two sides.  

If you want to read more about how reconcile different parts of yourself in the aftermath of trauma, check out Janina Fisher’s book: “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.”

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Uncategorized

A New State of Grace

The crisp smell of Autumn brings a newness to my senses each year. 

It is during these early mornings where I find my greatest hideaway. Taking a walk and feeling the leaves crunching under my boots, breathing the cool air, and closing my eyes helps me to re-center my thoughts for that moment.  Anxiety and depression so often tend to resurface for many of us during this season.  Tasks to be completed, friends we want to spend time with, complex family dynamics, planning get togethers, work functions, family/kid schedules, all are part of our lives but can steadily begin to feel burdensome and overwhelming. 

Allowing ourselves to step away from our daily schedules, even if for 10 minutes can allow our mind and body the freedom to recharge. From here, we may gain new perspectives, feel the uncomfortable, and grant ourselves the grace to just exist. By creating a regular practice of self-care, we can begin to push away tendencies such as negative self-talk, getting stuck in the details, or comparing ourselves to others.  Self-care does not have to be a bathtub with candles and a book, instead self-care can be quite simple! 

Here are a few of my favorite calming practices, coupled with some input from the 20 something’s in my life:

  1. Gardening
  2. Driving with the windows down and my dog in the back seat, listening to music

  3. Organizing

  4. Playing guitar

  5. Crafting

  6. Playing piano

  7. Walk in nature

  8. Meditative Mind on Spotify

  9. Yoga

  10.  Looking at old photos

  11. Hot tea

  12. Reading a new book

During this holiday season, I encourage you to discover what calms you, what makes you feel light, and begin to let go of toxic expectations we tend to place on ourselves.  

Depression, Relationships, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

When shutting down emotionally kept you safe

Movies make emotional expression look easy.  If a character feels something, they always clearly show it, whether by crying, balling their hands into fists, frowning, laughing, or smiling.

Now imagine taking all that away. You’re left with a character who displays a neutral facial expression, an even tone of voice, and zero body language. How do they communicate what they’re feeling? They may say, “I’m having a bad day,” but without any other cues, we’re left with a lot of questions. Exactly how bad was their day? Was it slightly irritating or absolutely devasting?

For many who have experienced relational trauma, shutting down emotionally happens all the time. They may say the words, “I’m sad” or “I’m not okay,” but their tone of voice and body language give no indication of how serious the situation is. In relationships, this can cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. They may feel like they’re communicating clearly, but the other person doesn’t know how to read the cues – because there aren’t any.

There’s a good reason for this reaction. Relational trauma teaches people that emotional expression isn’t safe. They quickly learn how to fly under the radar to keep out of danger. Shutting down emotionally — through facial expressions, tone, and body language — becomes a survival skill that, when practiced repeatedly over time, can become automatic. In a toxic relationship, hiding emotions is a great survival skill to have! The problem is, when the person tries to engage in healthy relationships later on, their body is still shut down. It’s hard to get emotions to show again.

Counseling can help bring emotional expression back online. But what do you do in the meantime when you’re trying to communicate how you feel to loved ones?

If you struggle with emotional expression, here are some tips you can try out:

  • Use an emotion chart to find words that express how you feel more precisely
  • Come up with a code (ex: green, yellow, red; or a number from 1-10) to tell the person how intensely you’re experiencing that emotion.
  • Give the person some ideas on how to best help you at each level of intensity (ex: green means you need a hug, red means you need time and space to recover).
  • Ask the other person for feedback on how they’re interpreting what you’re communicating and why.
  • Be kind to yourself. It’s frustrating when you want to express but struggle to do so. Remind yourself that your body has been trying to keep you safe and it just takes time for it to learn new patterns of relating.

Try using this emotion wheel: https://hilarioushumanitarian.com/products/wheel-of-emotions-sticker?variant=42917560484065&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjbyYBhCdARIsAArC6LJWARJk0aUxmUVIITuVVtxyuZ3KtxPHo06pzLnO-QXMvGg5zxAn534aAoI6EALw_wcB

 


Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care

The garden’s healing force

There seems to be a broad assumption that our internal world and our external world are two separate things. When struggling with depression, anxiety, or burnout, we often want to analyze ourselves, fix our thinking, or get some medication to help the brain function seamlessly. We walk around like a brain on a stick believing that when our mood changes, or we feel something we don’t want to feel, our brain can think its way out of it. We assume that a physical problem needs a physical solution and a mental problem needs a mental solution. It makes logical sense. But I want to propose another healing agent: the natural world around us. More specifically, the garden right outside your front door.

Being outdoors makes you feel good. Hearing the overlapping songs of birds swooping from trees, noticing the settlement of minerals in the rock formations of a canyon, plunging your hand in the soil to mix in compost, denting the surface to plant a seed. Is there anything more centering?

Human beings are the only living organisms that need to “go be in nature.” Most of us live in a tidy air-conditioned space, and when we’re ready to engage with nature, we plan a trip to a park, we go on a hike, get in a kayak, or plant a seed in the soil. But we have that wrong. We don’t visit nature; we are nature. It’s so simple, but we forget. There is a strong connection between our outer world, our relationship with the natural world, and our brain and body chemistry.

In my own life, I have been on a path toward understanding this more fully. It is a simple truth, that we are nature, and that nature can heal us. And yet, so many of us partition it off from our daily lives. This is why I decided to pursue horticultural therapy. To read the full article published in the Dallas Morning News, click here. (you have to have a DMN subscription to read it)  And see below for some simple garden activities to begin to engage with nature in a new way.

Here are two practices you can do in your garden space that may help you in your personal growth. For the purposes of this exercise, a garden space just means: your backyard, your back porch, your patio, your courtyard, or a balcony with a potted plant. It can be 12 square feet or half an acre. Remember that we don’t go into nature, we are nature. It is all around us and it is in us. Therefore, it is the most natural thing in the world to be present to your natural surroundings.

A practice for someone who is burned out, stressed or anxious.

Description: Burn-out and stress can be caused by a mismatch of your values and gifts, and what is asked of you in your daily life. We often have to devote our attention to a task that we are too tired or ill-equipped to handle. A person who is burned out and stressed out is longing for some restoration and mental rest. In nature, we can use “involuntary attention” to create a sense of relaxation. Involuntary attention is what happens when you sit on your patio watching the birds or mindlessly weed your garden. You are just aware enough of the task at hand, while the rest of your mind gets a breather.

Reflection:

Check in with your body as you begin this practice in nature. What are you carrying with you into this moment? Where do you feel it in your body? Try not to analyze yourself, or fixate too much, and try not to solve any problems mentally. Take a breath and picture breathing into those tense places in your body. After the nature activity, return to this exercise. See what has changed and check in with your body again.

Activity:

Go throughout your outdoor space finding leaves, flowers, sticks, and petals. Whatever material you see. See if you can get one piece of plant material for every item on your to do list. Or choose one to represent each burden you are carrying today. As you lay them out, think about how you can release your worries and open up your grip of control over your life. After you have finished laying out the design. Take a moment, then blow them all away as a symbol of letting go of your stress.

A practice for someone who is depressed or grieving.

Description:

Depression is a complete lack of hope for the future. There is a felt sense of permanence to it when you are in the middle of it. I often notice that the more a person attempts to pull themselves out of it by thinking more positively, it only shines light on how powerless they feel to do anything about it. For those reasons, this reflection and activity focuses on acceptance and acknowledgment of depression.

Reflection:

Take a moment to acknowledge your depression. It might feel like discouragement, sadness, grief, or disappointment. What does it feel like today? Write that word down. Let yourself feel it for a moment. Remember that emotions aren’t permanent, they come and go live the waves of the sea.

Activity:

For this activity you will need a seed or small plant, soil, small pot or space to plant and a small piece of paper towel or toilet paper.

On the piece of paper towel or toilet paper, write one hope you have about yourself even as you are experiencing depression. This can be something concrete: “I hope this plant grows.” Or a deeper longing: “I want my life back.”

Place your paper in the bottom of the pot or in a hole in the ground. Plant it in with the plant or seed. When you start to grow something you cultivate the seedlings, but you also have to trust that the water and sunlight will make it grow. In the same way, we set our intentions for our own growth and healing, but we have to trust that healing happens in its own time, and our body and mind will find a way through.

Morgan Myers is a family counselor in Dallas. She wrote this for The Dallas Morning News.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

For Us Givers at Heart

Some filtering questions for those of you who are Givers at heart (and maybe sometimes over-functioning) 🙂

Many of us (we therapists know we’re In this category too!) find ourselves giving beyond our means and in ways that are unsustainable. People sometimes take more than they give back. And there is always a need that arises among the people we care about. We can find ourselves running around trying to meet these needs and we can get so tired and drained! We sometimes don’t stop to think if it’s something we want to do or something we can do.

If you relate to this, here are a few questions to ask yourself that might help you filter through these situations. Sometimes you can give sacrificially to others and sometimes you may need to practice saying no to others and saying yes to yourself and your needs. 

Sidenote: We believe the end goal in our relationships is to be generous to others in a sustainable way.  We aren’t advocating for you to be self focused, but to tend to your needs so that you have more to give to those around you.

So ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is the person asking for your help? Sometimes when we hear about something difficult we want to fix it. But sometimes people don’t need anything from you than just to listen.
  2. Do you have it to give? Do you have the food in the pantry to be able to make someone a meal? Do you have the time to sit and listen to someone without being late something else? Do you have the patience and energy to give to this person without losing patience for those that you know you must give it to (aka your kids or spouse)
  3. Can you give joyfully? Without resentment or bitterness.
  4. Can you give without expecting something in return?

This feels like a sucker punch even as a write this, but when I’ve tried to follow my instincts with how much I can realistically give I end up feeling more rested and centered. Try this out and see how your emotional (and financial and mental) reserves seem to change.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Trauma

What if I Spiral?

“I know I’m supposed to let myself feel what I feel…but whenever I try, I get depressed for days.”


It’s true that processing your emotions means allowing yourself to feel them. But here’s the thing: when you’ve been stuffing down your feelings for so long, there can be so many intense emotions trapped on the inside that feeling them all at once leads to overwhelm.


And that can make you feel stuck. Stuffing your emotions means invalidating them, and that doesn’t feel good, but then feeling your emotions means inviting a flood of them so strong you either spiral downward or shut down entirely. That doesn’t feel good either.  Where does the relief come in?


If feeling your emotions tends to do this to you, that may be a sign to take things slower. You don’t have to feel everything at once. Take it step by step. Give yourself space to feel just a little piece at a time, and as soon as you’ve had a moment to feel a little bit, take a step back. Give yourself permission to take a break, recharge, and do something you enjoy. You can go back to feeling your emotions later when you’re feeling rejuvenated and ready again.


Here are some tips for how you can feel your emotions safely:

  • Write down what each step of your downward spiral looks like. Know the signs that you’re getting too overwhelmed and need a break.
  • Create a plan for how to recharge after feeling your emotions. What’s something that truly helps your body feel better? Do you need to take a walk? Listen to some upbeat music? Watch a favorite movie?
  • Set a timer for as long as you want – a minute, 5 minutes, 15, whatever feels safest and most doable for you. While the timer is running, notice your emotions and how they feel in your body. Allow them to be there without judging them. When the time is up, take a break.
  • Visualize putting your emotions away somewhere safe. You can imagine storing them in a vase, a treasure box, or some other container that marks them as precious and important.
  • Remind yourself that you can revisit them later.

You’ll notice that with repetition, the time you can spend feeling your emotions gets longer. The more you practice, the easier it gets!

Anxiety, Couples Counseling, Depression, Marriage Counseling, Relationships, Self-doubt, Trauma, Uncategorized

Restoring Trust

If the integrity of your relationship has been violated due to a harmful choice or behavior by either party, there are steps that you can take to restore trust and intimacy within the relationship. 

There is no one size fits all approach for handling a trust violation in a relationship, however, there are ways to begin the process of repairing the relationship. 

Here are 4 actionable steps that you can take to begin the process of healing:

Step 1:
Take 100% accountability. 

Accountability is twofold. Accountability includes (1) acknowledgement of your wrongdoings and (2) not offering excuses to suggest that you couldn’t help doing what you did. 

Developing empathy in a relationship is crucial. The most effective way to do so is to imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes. Ask yourself, how did my actions affect my partner’s life? Did my behavior cause damage to their sense of self-worth? 

Taking accountability for your mistakes and acknowledging the impact helps you to avoid invalidating your partner’s emotions. 

Step 2:
Offering an apology and asking your partner what can be done to rectify the situation and repair the damage. 

Create an amends plan or contract to demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. An amends plan is a guide for navigating a breach of trust or betrayal; it  generally includes an outline for what changes will be made on a personal and relational level. It will include actions and activities that indirectly restore your partner’s faith and trust in you.  

For example, “Allow access to social media passwords, computer, phone, etc.” “Increase quality time with my partner and enjoy a date night every Friday.” 

Your amends plan will need to be tailored to your relationship’s specific needs. Including your partner in the creation of the plan helps to show your devotion to your partner’s needs. 

Step 3:
Making a promise to not betray your partner in the future and to follow-through with the actions you have promised. 

Relationship check-ins at various intervals can help keep you on track and provide you with more of an understanding of what relationship needs are not being met and what promises have not been kept. 

Step 4:
Communicating with your partner if you feel you are unable to follow through with promises made. 

Increasing communication and vulnerability with your partner promotes emotional connection and intimacy. In order to repair and reconnect, you have to give your partner something to connect to. Secrecy, blame, anger, disengagement, and control do not provide connection points for repairing trust and faith in a relationship.

 In seeking to mend a fractured relationship, the willingness to work on the relationship and reconstruct the trust that was broken is crucial.

Anxiety, Depression, Self-Care, Self-doubt, Uncategorized

I’m in a Relationship, With My Emotions

Being a therapist has a lot of perks, one of those being the countless opportunities for introspection. Being able to sit with negative, painful, and intense emotions is a part of the job description. I will shamelessly admit that at one point, this was my Achilles heel. In my early days of therapy, witnessing clients experiencing difficult emotions was uncomfortable for me. My instinct was to “fix it.” I wanted to make it better, make it go away, paint over it with an inspiring phrase or motivational quote, deflect, or better yet, lighten the mood with a good ol’ joke. Not cool.
You see, the problem was that I had an unhealthy relationship with my own emotions. I was unable to tolerate distressing emotions and had in turn developed a number of strategies to avoid dealing with my emotions. This made me less understanding, empathetic, and emotionally available. Choosing to work on my relationship with my emotions has enabled me to better understand myself and others and has improved my capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.

When we attempt to avoid, suppress, control, numb, or deny the existence of our emotions, paradoxically, emotional distress is maintained and sometimes intensified. Maybe you have heard the saying, “don’t think about a pink elephant.” Ironic process theory states that deliberate attempts to suppress a thought often lead to an increase in having the thought. So, if you were told to not think about a pink elephant, ironic process theory predicts that you would experience an uptick in the amount of pink elephant related thoughts. This concept can be applied to emotions as well. When we attempt to avoid our emotions, we increase our own suffering. Haruki Murakami once said, “Pain in inevitable, suffering is optional.” 

So how do you cultivate a healthier relationship with your emotions? It begins with self-awareness and understanding your responses to negative emotions. By examining your own behaviors and looking out for clues that indicate your relationship with your emotions could use work, you can begin taking steps toward creating an emotionally enriched existence. Here are 2 warning signs that you may be on the outs with your emotions:

Overuse of distraction techniques.

I love a good distraction, but you know what they say, everything in moderation. Being busy can be a great thing, but the ‘why’ for your busyness is important. If you are keeping yourself busy in an attempt to avoid experiencing painful or negative emotions, you may be doing yourself a disservice. You can’t outrun your emotions. Emotional avoidance reinforces that idea that worry, doubt, anxiety, anger, sadness, discomfort, etc. are “dangerous” or “bad,” therefore we must avoid them or run away from them. This belief reduces your ability to tolerate pain associated with many of life’s challenges. 

You judge yourself harshly for feeling bad.

Feeling bad is a part of the human experience. You are allowed to have bad days, you are allowed to feel sad, angry, lonely, anxious, rejected, afraid, envious, or whatever emotion is coming up for you. Experiencing a difficult emotion does not make you “weak,” it makes you courageous for being vulnerable enough to own that experience. Growing up, were you told to “suck it up, get over it, man up, quit your crying, stop overreacting, just be happy,” or any version of these phrases? Many of us were, which has proven to be detrimental in adulthood. These phrases can communicate the belief that you shouldn’t feel how you feel and perhaps your feelings are “wrong.” These phrases can lead to an inability to trust your own emotions, believing that they will lead you astray if you give them a voice or acknowledge their existence. You are entitled to your emotions and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings can help to normalize your emotional experience and prevent further pain from self-criticism. 

Your relationship with your emotions is similar to any other relationship you have had. It is a relationship that requires kindness, attention, nurturing, curiosity, understanding, awareness, and respect. Improving your relationship with your emotions involves embracing the emotions that come and allowing them to be, which ultimately helps you to develop a capacity to tolerate unpleasant life experiences.

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