You don’t get to choose your family, so it’s natural that you may not get along with every single member.

Social media can sometimes promote a “no-negativity” approach that urges cutting off the relationships that don’t work for you. As simple as this solution may sound, it isn’t always that easy.

Every situation is unique, and you may find that totally cutting off contact with family isn’t the answer for you – but neither is continuing in the same hurtful patterns of relating with them.

 

Deciding what to do when you’re dealing with a complex family situation is rarely simple, so it’s totally okay if you need time to carefully weigh the available options. Here are just a few to consider:

 

 

Setting boundaries with family means clearly and calmly communicating how they can best connect with you. Boundaries are essentially requests. If the other person refuses those requests, have a plan for what to do to protect yourself.

 

For example, that may mean letting the other person know you’re open to communicating only if there’s no name-calling or shouting involved. If they continue to do so, let them know you have to leave and can continue the conversation when tempers have cooled.

 

If family members agree to meet you halfway or show respect for your boundaries, let them know how much you appreciate them. Foster the kind of connection you wish to have with them.

 

 

Boundaries can take time for family members to warm up to. It’s natural if you experience some pushback at first. But there may also be some relationships where no matter how many boundaries you set, the other person will keep barreling through them. Or worse, they may see the boundaries as a challenge and intensify their efforts to bait you into unproductive conflicts.

 

In those situations, getting some distance may be the more realistic option. It’s okay to call or text less. Keep interactions short. Instead of visiting for a whole week, stay for only two or three days. Distance can help provide time to recover and prepare for your next interaction.

 

Getting more distance in the relationship can also help when cutting off one family member would mean losing many other relationships that you’re not wanting to give up.

 

 

Perhaps the options above didn’t work and you’re reaching a point where you have to try something different. Or perhaps your family has changed for the better over time, but every time you’re around them, you experience very intense emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks or depression. If breaking off contact with family would bring more pain and trouble than it’s worth, consider taking a short break from them instead.

 

Get some time to heal first. You may need to work through past hurts or grieve the relationship you wish you had with them before you can reach a point of acceptance. Or you may simply need more time to recover between interactions in order to still function from day to day. Cutting off communication can help, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.

 

 

Sometimes no matter what you do to try to change the pattern, it’s simply too dangerous to keep the relationship going. Some family situations are too unpredictable, hostile, and damaging to warrant putting yourself in harm’s way. You may also be worried about family interactions compromising the safety of your loved ones, such as your partner or kids. Going no-contact may be what’s necessary to protect yourself and to keep from enabling the toxic behaviors of others.

 

When you cut off all contact with family, you may experience instant relief. It’s also natural to go through grief and strong feelings of guilt too – that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

 

There are many different reasons why people may decide that going no-contact is the safest course of action. There are also all sorts of reasons – financial, religious, cultural, etc. – why people may choose to remain in contact with family members who consistently demonstrate harmful behaviors.

 

No matter what you choose to do, finding support either from other family members or friends is crucial. All the different options come with their own benefits and downsides, and it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of unease or self-doubt regardless of the decision you make.  

 

If you’re trying to figure out how to navigate a tough family relationship and would like some additional support, consider scheduling an appointment at eastdallastherapy.com. Sometimes having an outside perspective can bring some much-needed clarity. We’d love to help!